Sleeping Beauty and the Jedi

[Pyrite]

WONKA, soory to hijack - but you can take a look see at Lost08's thread. He H is giving her the touchy feely mixed messages that Smothy's was and your early intervention may be useful. Thanks, Py

[CaliGuy]

Thank you everyone ... and Happy Monday.

Rather than quote every single person who has offered their words, just thought I would try to 'lay it out there', the best I can explain it... you all hit a nail on the head and there are a few nails that are up there showing and not flush, things I have been working on pounding out.

This 'piecing' business is tough, seems just as you get somewhat of a handle on how to DB this or that, really finding yourself, gaining what I referred to as 'center', even keel , not listing to the left or the right but remaining balanced... you really get a groove going, I was PMA, had my GALs set and they kept me busy, working on myself emotionally, physically, spiritually ... I was still doing this even after W said she wanted to work on the M because at that time nothing changed. Slowly I started seeing she really did want to work on the M, not by her words but by her actions. With this, all those hurts and pains that I disregarded because... well .. I was DBing my arse off ... like I explained I boxed them up and put them in storage, while going through and working things out with my W its like I was carefully pulling these boxes off the shelf and dealing with them slowly, one at a time, and all the sudden the ladder gave way, I fell and all of these things crashed down on me. I did not feel 'balanced' any more, not that I went back to Cali 1.0, to go full nerd, was like I needed to Ctrl-Alt-Delete but scared to as that new Operating system has yet to be tested with a full reboot ... would Cali 1.0 boot up, Cali 2.0 .. or would the thing fire off at all?

That's where I was at for a few weeks.. especially last week, trying to sort through ALL the things we go through, its easier when you can just run off and keep yourself busy, but I was not really looking at these things for what they were ... anchors attached to my legs not allowing me to walk. With that I was just not myself, not behind those walls I put up for protection .... there is a sense of that, that "She will never hurt me like that again ... I will not allow myself to feel that pain" ... all common, just like I had to accept the MLC and the A did in fact happen, I do not have to like it, just accept it ... same goes with the strange feelings that were creeping in and taking control of me, I do not have to like them, but accepting them for what they are, why they are there, was something I came to grips with this weekend.

So many issues, some old issues with our M, and the new ones the crisis brought. Along with that ... W too was dealing with her own mess of boxes as I was with mine. We talked very openly a couple times over the weekend ... not easy talks mind you, talking some serious sensitive underbelly stuff. What happened after all this for me ... was realizing I have come so far from where I was, and I continue to grow regardless of what is going on, the past weeks were some steps back that I had to do to strip that onion down a few layers and get to some root things I just did not deal with, things I could not deal with at the time I boxed em up.

Thank you all so much for your words, each of you hit something that I have been aware of, and am in agreement ... slowly I continue to grow, one thing at a time ... its easy to get buried in all this when it all comes flooding back at you, but some how I am still upright in the kayak and find myself currently in calmer waters.

[Ginger1]

It's all so normal. I've been separated/divorced for over 7 years, and while I have dated, there has not been one man integrated into my everyday life. I am honestly terrified (yet ready) to bring someone into my life. I've had so many years of my own GAL, my own work, by own journey of just surviving to actually living, and living with balance, I'm worried about the challenges and issues, ect. that might bring.

And you are doing this with your wife, while overcoming an A, and while she has her own issues to deal with. So this is going to be a tough, slow, sometimes backwards process. You just got to keep your eyes open, be aware of what makes you uncomfortable or reactive and work from there.

[CaliGuy]

TY Ginger ... yeah it is not easy nor for the faint of heart I think

So sitting here ... just wanted to share a couple things that happened... .Update if you will.

Friday night .... I think it was uR who said something about 'blowing off steam' for us both ... it does feel that way, like things we both have going on build up, might have little to do with the other person but teapot on the stove starts to whistle all on its own. I got home, W was already there .. RARE... I forgot she had a dental appt, as we arrived she had the dog and was just headed out for a walk. Invited us to join. I walked along, still miffed at 2 things she had said during the spew. She was all smiles and acting as if nothing happened ... this irked me more as in the old M, I might accept this but now, lesson learned .. sweeping things under just builds resentment. She asked what was wrong, I told her we could talk about it later (not in front of S).
Once back in the house, we talk. I simply and calmly told her how I felt, more about what she said and how I felt about it. She at first did as she always does, ultra defensive and went on the attack, I STFU, she kept on, again ... STFU ... then something seriously strange happened, I just STFU and she continued to talk, share, then started crying , more sharing, more tears .. Me .. STFU .. not a word, I am talking at least 20 minutes ... she just started pouring out things as I looked at her, not. saying. a. single. word. it was almost awkward but I kept zipped like watching a bottle get knocked over, the impulse is to do something, but there is something about letting it all spill out and empty itself.
If you are new ... even if you are in the middle, end whatever, STFU, LISTEN ... W shared things that were in her 'boxes' .. talking deep fears. She confessed she HATES the fact on Friday nights I go back to my place, that A book was a 'trigger', fears about me throwing in the towel, comments on how I deserve so much more than 'this' and how she can not take it back, fears she destroyed something women dream them could have. She apologized relentlessly not just for things recently said .. old stuff. Again .. I STFU. Then the time came I validated a bit, she asked me where I was, what I thought and to a point I shared a couple things, nothing huge, but some issues I have, concerns about 'repeating mistakes' from M1.0 ( I even called it that and laughed to myself as I had to explain it)
It was just a good talk. We shared. I took the dog out before I had to go to work, did my gig and came 'home' this time ... as in the past S was in the bed with her and I slept in his bed so I did not wake them. I typically get in about 2-3a.m. ... she woke and came into the room, we talked a bit .. hugged, and fell asleep. (She thanked me that night and again in the morning for coming 'home')

So ... Saturday woke early to go to the Post Session. Seemed all the sharing the day before felt like a clean slate, no pressure or angst. We arrive to the Session, the topic ... Intimacy/ Sexual Relationship. The couple sharing was the same couple from the weekend, Suffered from the H having a 15 month A with OW ... same story, refused to give OW up, W then dropped rope and pressed for D .. he woke up. The W told her story ... could have very well been me up there, so similar. Right down to her sharing her feelings of how she felt getting tested for STD's, in a way verbalizing some pain I have been feeling and could not put words to. Was a seriously intense session. How she came to terms with the A, all the hurt, the triggers after ... along with the H expressing all he then had to do for the h3ll he put her through, all the work it takes, and how backslides happen and what one can do.
After on the drive home W asked as usual, if I got much out of it, if so what, then I asked the same. I told her I did in fact get alot out of this one, did not really open up and share just asked her the same .... she opened up and said it was very eye-opening. We openly talked, much like Friday about intimacy and ... dare I say it .. sex. I confessed ... as much as I am a man and have needs, I am not ready. I know I am not ... I still have the Ghost of OM ... something the woman from the Session explained aloud PERFECTLY .... which made me feel at least I was not nuts ... but W and I did share things, things we want/need things that increase intimacy along with 'turn offs'. I then pointed out .. in 25 years we have NEVER had a conversation about OUR sex life, not open like that ... and what a shame it took all this, but on the same token I was happy to have this conversation with her.
Sunday ... low key ..I cooked an amazing breakfast for the family..church, shopping, and conversations focused on our family vacation...180 of mine .. Last Vaca was 9 years ago and now I plan on once a year.

[uRworthy]

First of all, hey Rick1963, my bro.

Luke, I have always written that people feel as they do. There are no wrong feelings..it's what you do with them that matter.

And I hope, in all this time that we have been corresponding, that you got from me that what you are feeling is completely normal. All of it.

I have seen what you are made of and I, too, don't think this is too much for you both to overcome if that's what you want.

So, I just want to say this. In order to reconcile, certain feelings that are perfectly understandable, need dealing with.

The way to peace (and to bacon ) is to work through each thing and then let it go.

You are right, dbing is completely different in piecing. SOme of the elements are the same, but, you need to open yourself up and with that comes some tough stuff.

This journey is amazing and crazy and difficult and all sorts of stuff in between. But man, it changes your life. It changes how you look at things and people. It changes your priorities and your beliefs. And I don't know about you, but even with all the tough stuff, I am grateful for it.

You are doing it, Luke, in your wonderful Cali way. I am amazed by how hard you've worked.

That's why I've challenged you, though, and it's why I've stuck by you.

Those shadows...the things we want to look away from..those are the things that are usually the most important to address.

Sometimes we have to back up, then take a running jump..to make it over the big puddle, yea?

You got this. I know it.

[CaliGuy]

You had me at Bacon.

Thank you uR ... I can not express how much I appreciate you, fuzzy 2x4 and all when I come off the tracks a bit.

You are right ... I reflected on some things yesterday, the journey to be specific ... even with all the 'issues' currently, I am much more grateful to be 'here' than where I was 6 months prior to BD, call me crazy but at least now these things are being addressed, living is taking place .. not just going through the motions as I once was.

[AJM]

Sounds like the sessions are helpful. Very happy to hear how other experiences can be helpful to you. I think you'll find that there will be more that is helpful as you keep steppin'

It was just a good talk. We shared

Sad as it is the path taken, if nothing else comes from this experience, it's good to know that after 25 years you can share with each other at a deep and intimate level.

And if you haven't noticed, that level of intimacy is the most priceless part. I know many people are surprised to find that sex or physical intimacy are far better (far far better) if shared with two very intimate people. Oddly, I recall my pre-marriage session with the pastor that married us. He said the same thing. I've known all along he was right, but haven't always known what it would it take to get that to the extent I've learned over the years.

Sex is easy. Casual relationships are easy. Deep, meaningful, intimate relationships like we all deep down crave? Those are priceless regardless how you get there.


It seems to me, an outsider of sorts, that you are learning skillz that you didn't have before. I think its normal to feel upside down and topsy-turvy while you re-tool. Enjoy the ride, amigo. You can see it's worth it now, can't you?


Enjoy the vacation!

AJ

[uRworthy]

Sorry to hijack, Luke...

Hey Ginger....just live, sweetie. Just be open to the possibilities. We aren't guaranteed happiness or a life without pain. We just have to go for it and see where we land with the knowledge that we lived through one of the most painful things we could and came out the other side.

It may be hard with someone, there may be challenges and issues....but there can also be incredible joy. And man, how lucky would he be to be with you.

Go for it, my friend. Just freakin go for it.

[Ginger1]

Sorry to hijack, Luke...

Hey Ginger....just live, sweetie. Just be open to the possibilities. We aren't guaranteed happiness or a life without pain. We just have to go for it and see where we land with the knowledge that we lived through one of the most painful things we could and came out the other side.

It may be hard with someone, there may be challenges and issues....but there can also be incredible joy. And man, how lucky would he be to be with you.

Go for it, my friend. Just freakin go for it.

You always make me feel worthy, ya know. And help me find my own worth.

When my time comes I know it's going to be scary and challenging and definitely not linear. But I'm going to embrace it and go for it, because leaving fears and challenges bring the best things in life.

And yes, AJ, sex and casual relationships are easy. But those deep intimate relationships are priceless and worth all the work in the world. Especially she. You have two people who want to work for it.

And Cali, your wife wants to work for it. And she is. It's easy to walk away and stay away. And she is coming back and facing her demons to make your M work. And you could have started over too and you are putting in amazing work.

I know, whatever the outcome, you will have no regrets.

[mleigh4]

Cali...I want to comment on something you have mentioned a few times, about not trading in this experience, as it makes you see and appreciate things differently. Something like that...

Anyway, on my marathon walk this weekend, I was looking at the sky, the clouds, the cute homes I was walking by, saying good morning to people on their own walk and jogs, and just truly seeing all the beauty around me. I was never that way and I know it is a result of my own experience.

Pretty amazing how this changes us. And to think, if we can carry this into our R, like the new M you are creating with W, it could be pretty amazing and eye opening, the little things around us, how beautiful they are