Noob here....have been lurking and picking up tips here and there...not sure how to proceed...lots of advice abound for women. .none for men...I'm glad I found this board....makes me feel less like I'm losing my mind.. My story...M 10y 12/14..had an EA turned PA 10/06 -6/07, nor making excuses ..found out W was communicating wit X and planning to visit..ego and pride took over(stupid i know)..Sep 12/07-12/08 (moved in w MIL - filed for D..rescinded 01/09)...Rec 01/09 - 03/15..MIL pissed...has been conductimg whisper campaign ever since... (MIL and i do not get along...married and divorced 4x..thinks nothing of just restarting over slightest slight)....M get gradually worse..usual up and downs seem to get more votriolic...W has promotion 6/14..I commented on the possibilty of her now gwtting green light...Sep 04/15...I try to be cordial ..did EVERYTHING RECOMMENDED NOT TO DO..BEGGED PLEADED..AFTER NIGHT OF TEXT ARGUING SHE FILES. D filed 8/15. I miss and my kids..think I've left it too late to do anything. .. How do you combat a MIL committed to destroying your M.? And a W who's firay instinct is to leave or tell tou to leave..I'm not perfect ..am I an idiot for trying ?..for wanting reciprocity? .. There's a lot I haven't said..first time posting and just unsure of what to do... Have seen lots of good advice..so any for me ?..thanks
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
A. was never truly reconciled...I was "told" what to do...let me see your phone anytime...computer etc etc..I agreed to all that...then....found out she was talking to her exes..whereupon i was told..I was trying to control her and keep her from her friends..and her mom abd friends agreed that she could talk to whomsoever she liked...and I can't stop her.. To be honest? I allowed it all as I felt guilty and felt it was my punishment for straying..I accepted years of no intimacy except when she felt like it..which was rare..but I loved her and wanted to make amends. Occasionally I would fall off the wagon and watch porn or go on social media sites for attention. ..then would come the.."you look at porn" I can't fathom having sex with you speech... .my umm we don't have any now..this is me keeping it at home...so long story short we were adept at sweeping under carpet. As for this time....she's been plotting leaving for awhile (my guess)..when she got a promotion in 6/14..I joked that I expected walking papers now she could be "financially independent"...she claimed then I was crazy ...there are lots of little things that I ignored. ..one day she came home and a colleague "agreed" with her that I didn't want her to lose weight as then other men would find her attractive and approach her....all because since I've known her the only time she gets a health kick is when she wants to impress someone usally male...
Sorry for long response..just I'm a private person..and feels good to get some off my chest...she on the other hand denigrated aND puts me down to everyone... I read sandi's rules...I have the book..and I realize I've been too logical and may have cock ed things up beyond repair. Prior to filing for D..she admitted it was a huge mistake moving into her mom's basement with the kids..that 50% of the reason she left was her mother..and it wasn't meant to go this far..she hoped I would miss her and the kids that I would do whatever ie be her doormat...
I know there are at least 3 EAS
Or emotional attachments. ..men that hear her side and agree she "can do better" her term...not sure about PA... I am trying to be calm...this week she took off work to be withe the kids...today she texts me what time are yu home...she wants to drop my kids off...as she has doctors appointment. ..hour later she texts and thenjoy going to dinner withe work friends....ordinarylying I would ask what friends ...I know who she works with and shes always said who is going...I responded ok...hour later she texts just drop the kids at home if I'm not there.."mom will be there". This is the woman who when I planned a Fri and Sat night away..just the two of us told her daughter.."I will never anything to help that man"...when I explained to my w...she just shat on our family..as a happy home is good for you me her grandkids..everyone. ..W agreed with MIL..saying she doesn't have to do anything...and you hate my mother... Any advice.....
Ps what is the HW..and I have th DR book..read through it all..just not sure of there's any point anymore1
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Dropped kids off..MIL came out and spoke to me for first time since sep...I guess now that D is filed. .she's feeling more "comfy"... She's never watched kids for W & I to have couples time...but now she can watch kids so W cam have dinner with "work friends". Am I reading too much in it ?
Need advice: W filed for D, I am reluctant to sign....she accused me of trying to sc**w her as now she has to spend more money, money that could be used for the kids..never mind she moved into her moms baseemnt and completely refurbished it ..to make it livable...my question is do i contest and prolong and hope she changes her mind ?...or do I just sign the papers and move on?...i dont want to get divorced..but i also dont want to antagonize her to the point that any changes arent recognized? or does that make me too needy..?
Need advice: W filed for D, I am reluctant to sign....she accused me of trying to sc**w her as now she has to spend more money, money that could be used for the kids..never mind she moved into her moms baseemnt and completely refurbished it ..to make it livable...my question is do i contest and prolong and hope she changes her mind ?...or do I just sign the papers and move on?...i dont want to get divorced..but i also dont want to antagonize her to the point that any changes arent recognized? or does that make me too needy..?
First, have you spoken to an attorney yet? I wouldn't sign anything until you get your own legal representation. It doesn't really benefit you to try and contest the D. If your goal is to eventually reconcile, that is not going to help a bit. Your W is marching full steam ahead with it, regardless of whether you like it or not. So definitely protect yourself legally and financially, but do not take measures to deliberately stall. You will likely have a few months even after signing where the D can be withdrawn, and many people are able to R even after the D is final. Remember, the legal D is just a piece of paper. Your W has already ended your M from a mental and emotional perspective. Try not to get hung up on the legal aspects of it too much.
Keep posting, and follow the advice given. It's never too late until you decide that you're done trying.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
In the process of working through my issues..I have a question...I had a LDEA that turned into a LDPA...perhaps spouses who were cheated on could help as my W never wanted to discuss the affair.....merely beat me over the head with it...I overreacted..I owned my mistake..nevertheless I wanted to address the issues that provoked the affair...
At what point was forgiveness freely given? How can an offending spouse be contrite, remorseful and willing to do anthing to make amends without being abused or a doormat..?
Any other Hs or Ws in a similar predicament with advice?
