I know how you feel. It is awful not being able to spend time with our children. My wife is using them as a tool to hurt me. She knows what she is doing is not what is best for the kids. I hope that the Judge will see what she is doing and change the temporary custody order. When she goes out of town the she does not even offer for the kids to be with me. She gives them to her mother who hates me and I find out the next week from the kids what happened. I am their dad for crying out loud. I am more important to them that you Mother.
What is you first court day for? Is it custody or financial?
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
I have to read up on your sitch....I thought I was the only one with extended family pushing for D and undermining M.
I feel your pain...as my MIL is pushing for me to have limited contact.. I'm sorry that you have to go through this senseless vindictiveness. ...
1st court date is for custody...I don't want to fight or create drama. I don't want some random person telling me when and how I can see my kids.. You would think the mother would want what's best for the kids.. And nowhere in her argument is there a kid reference or rational...it's all I don't want you to have that time What??..really? ? ...IM not asking for the world ..just equal time.. And I get "everytime you have them I won't have them..."
Contacted lawyer ..initial conference 9/8.. Have been GALing...and digging deep..the more I read the more I realize I have to truly decide whether I want to be married to my W or if it's just fear of befinning a chapter..
Yesterday was meet the teacher night..she called to get our ducks on a row..over the last 2 months or so that would have been a text..so?..slight shift in the glacier...it was her day to pick up the kids from the babysitter..but with the running around PT night and soccer..it was going to be tight...
I offered to get the kids..get dinner for them change for soccer etc etc.. She got of work late, so I went to my D10 conference alone..left them in my apartment..so she can take D10 to soccer and meet me for S8 conference. After I left I asked myself is this lighthouse or advantage?..
Had a good conference with D10 teacher..made notes for her too. She comes to S8 conference teary eyed.. I ask a few times what's the matter ..she blew me off and was on phone non stop texting back forth..getting visibly upset. I remained impassive..genial ..played with my S8..Listened to presentation. .paid her not much attention..
Conference ends I race to get D10 from soccer she takes S8 home. I get there she's I'm the garden on her phone..I pleasantly wish my D10 good night help her carry her bags halfway to th e driveway (I dont approach their new home which is basement of MIL house)
Ordinarily she doesn't come up the drive to say anything to me...tonight she does. .ushers the D10 inside..with I need to talk to daddy...not reading too much but surprised me as normally it's your dad.. Again I ask are you alright? (Again not sure if appropriate but am new and regardless of where we are she is still my wife ..I didn't marry her on a whim so I am still concerned about her)..
She starts crying .."no the washing machine broke and flooded the basement...it's been running for hours..mom called but I was busy..so she is pissed I didn't pick up.. (little back story..mom encouraged her to leave me with "you can have the basement"..because she isnt allowed to libe in the "main house, as the kids are messy..you need to train your dog etc etx "..she refurbished the basement..everything is new..drywall carpets ...stove fridge wd..the works. .on essentially my dime )
So she really starts sobbing ...I move to hug her ..she moves towards me then stops and says dont.."they're watching me and they will have some thing to say"...for a minute I was stumped. .and then I felt nothing..just a surge of relief ..a lifting of a weight..it was as if I finally understood..this isn't about me..well it is bit it isnt..if that makes sense..
She filled in the rest of the story..MIL went down to fix problem..fell hurt herself. .SFIL left work early to tend to her..W beside herself as at that time 8pm..she had not gone upstairs to "check on MIL..and ask how she was and thank her for trying to help and Thank SFIL for leaving work early. .etc etc
MIL worried that carpet will stink up her "whole house"...and all the work the that was done paid for by W and myself that is damaged.. I validate ..I can see how this would be very stressful.. Listened some more..then left. On the way home I thought wow...I can't hug my wife because my MIL and SFIL would give her [censored] about being weak and manipulated ...I laughed out loud..actually cackled at the absurdity of it all..like wow..isn't this some crazy &!&##�.
When I got home ..I sent her a text :Sorry I wasn't able to give you a hug tonight ..you looked like you could have used one.. Her:I could have. What time are you going to bed? I did see that for 30mins.. When I did I said just got into bed why what do you need.. Her : Was going to come over and do laundry Now bear in mind her sister lived equidistant away from MIL as I do.. And MIL had a laundry room upstairs. .
Don't get me wrong I'm not reading into this about me..I just feel bad for her..she allowed herself to for want of a better word to be used.. Anyway here is where I need help ...I sent this..: You can ...I can leave the door open tomorrow when I leave for work She says ok. This morning I wrote:Good morning ..door is open..I left my ***card on the table if you need it..my laptop is already open on netflix for D10. .if you take the iPad for s8 it should link up with the wifi Her :Ok, thank you..I didn't sleep at all Me: I can see that you have a lot to deal with.. No more contact for about 2 hours
Then: text..: I can't stop crying, why can't I pull it together? Me: I am truly sorry about the washing machine and the damage it caused..I can only imagine that the stress and worry can't be easy for you at all ..anything I can do to help let me know.. Her:Thank you for your support..Just tired.Tired of having to answer for everything
I haven't responded. ...I think I have validated enough...what else can I say...?..am I being too helpful.. I am happy to do what I can not to get her back but because most of that laundry is my kids..
Any advice from vets?..how did I handle it ..anything I could have ? Or can do better?..do I respond to her last comment?..as what point am I doing too much if there ever is a point..
Again I ask are you alright? (Again not sure if appropriate but am new and regardless of where we are she is still my wife ..I didn't marry her on a whim so I am still concerned about her)..
Why are you giving excuses or being defensive about why you asked her about her feelings? I think you felt it was something you should not pursue........but you wanted to........so you did.
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Her : Was going to come over and do laundry Now bear in mind her sister lived equidistant away from MIL as I do.. And MIL had a laundry room upstairs. .
[quote]Don't get me wrong I'm not reading into this about me..I just feel bad for her..she allowed herself to for want of a better word to be used..
You need to be honest with yourself.
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I haven't responded. ...I think I have validated enough...what else can I say...?..am I being too helpful.. I am happy to do what I can not to get her back but because most of that laundry is my kids..
Come on, SPD, get real with yourself.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm confused...should I not have helped her? Or should I not have questioned or defended why I helped her? If you were in her position..would you have wanted your H to help? told you to figure it out on your own? If if he did help in the way that I did..what would you have thought?
I know no 2 people think alike and situations are different.. Perhaps I am overanalyzing... I am aware to have no expectations..maybe I should have worded differently to say I know this act won't lead to a light bulb going off in her head and saying "oh I've done a dreadful thing".
I guess I wanted to know if I let my guard down so to speak..and she knows that some waterworks and I'm there to help even thought I was fired..
But really think. Why did you allow this? No judgment from us. But what was your true motivation?
My guess - she was in trouble and needed help, and you wanted to be a hero. Im not saying its wrong, but if you really wanted to only help your kids, you could have offered to take their laundry while you were at her house.
Also, you know theres a difference between saying: 1) you can come over and use the washing machine and 2) you can come over and use the washing machine. Here's my cc. I left the netflix and ipad up while you wait. Theres cookies and milk in the fridge. Make yourself at home.
Validation and solving someones problems are not the same thing. Validation and being someones shoulder to cry on are not the same thing. She did ask you to use the washing machine, so Im not sure if I would have said no in your shoes. But it certainly would have been valid to say you werent comfortable with it and suggest she go to a laundromat.
Ultimately, I think she was checking to see where you are, and based on this interaction, it LOOKS like you are still pretty much wrapped around her finger. You asked Sandi about what she would want if she were your W --- thats easy. Of COURSE she wants her husband to come rescue her. Who wouldnt want that person that is always chasing after you, trying to help, that you dont have to give anything back to? Instead of sitting in a laundromat for three hours, shes all set up at your house!
SPD - you cant "nice" your way back to your M. So really think about why you acted in this way.
Thank you for the 2x4.... It will take time to get out of the habit Of still trying to be a husband... I realize that I'm still in that mindset..
I was also reminded by S, telling me how inappropriate it was for her to be lying on my bed doing her laundry as we are getting divorced. And she doesnt want me to get the wrong impression or that i shouldn't get my hopes as we won't be fixing our marriage as she doesn't want to.
And she's seeing someone. So OP confirmed, although I already had a inkling. I felt numb...like every breath left my body. Here she was calmly saying I'm seeing someone...yet when she needed help...she asked me?.. Why not go to new Beau and use his WM...?
After a bout of tears and 3 or 5 stellas..I felt anger and resolve..anger at myself for letting myself down and thinking I wold be a lighthouse and show my W...you can count on me...all for what..in the vain hope that she returns.. Nope..all I got was ..can you watch the kids Sunday night ..I'm going to a party..
Resolve...because I really need to be honest with myself and figure out my motives for saving this marriage..is it because it's all I've known for the last decade of my life..?..and the unknown is scary?.. do I genuinely love her ?..what is love?
Do I want to stay with her after the hurtful things she's said..but more importantly after she's spilt our secrets and decided to be with another man? Alas here is where falter because am I being a hypocrite? ...I want her to forgive my faults and give me a second chance but am unwilling to forgive her faults?
Is my pride stopping me from doing the right thing..?..what is the right thing? She wants to leave....life would be wonderful now there is a built in babysitting service....I feel used..dirty and cheap...however I brought it on myself..my ego couldn't let me say no...I'll show her how take charge I am...darn rambling now...in the dark morning hours..I stretch out my hand..she's not there..throughout all the arguments my one constant was she was there... No longer..not for a long time..
No, b/c laundry is not an emergency, and her she could have gone to her sister's. Perhaps you aren't able to see how you went overboard with it (Azzork explained it very well).
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Or should I not have questioned or defended why I helped her?
Why do you feel the need to defend your decisions? Look, she has fired you as her H. So that means you no longer do the things that you would have done when living together as a couple. She has filed for a D and has OM. No, you should not rescue her whenever things don't go well for her.
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If you were in her position..would you have wanted your H to help? told you to figure it out on your own? If if he did help in the way that I did..what would you have thought?
Here's the issue. I was a WW, and your W is wayward. The mindset of a WW is shocking to the H. She is completely selfish, and she will use you for whatever she needs at that moment. The WW knows when she is wrapping the LBS around her little finger. She knows she can turn on the tears, and act "woe is me", and it's usually effective. Even if she expected her H to roll out the red carpet to the laundry room, her lack of respect for him demishes true appreciation for his help. In most cases, the WW has a sense of entitlement that outweighs any humbleness. The more he tries to help her while she's wayward, the more she disrespects him for allowing her to use him.
You don't have to be cold or hateful and tell her to figure it out for herself. However, she really needs to learn that you are not available for fixing her problems. She left you and the life you had together, so now, she needs to see how her life will be without you. Make sense? Again, I am not saying to be vindictive or punitive. I am saying that whenever you have a WW, you cannot use the more nice guy methods and think it's going to win her back.
I am not beating up on you, okay? I just wanted you to see how you were defending your actions. You have to learn, just like all newcomers. I think one of the more difficult things for them is finding balance as they learn.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
