Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 1,952
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 1,952
Originally Posted By: SPD72
We have laid out a schedule ..who takes them on what day etc etc... but on the days i dont take them..I still go to practices to support them...W knowing that schedules personal items during that time..salon..manipedis..


If you go in my thread, theres a post from Sandi2 copied from tkdmme's thread that I think is dead on about some of this stuff. It's really hard balancing "being a great dad" and "doing favors for a WW/WAW". Are you really going to support them or are you subconsciously trying to show W how much you care about them? I dont KNOW. Just posing the question to you. If it IS the latter, youre wasting your energy AND enabling her.

Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 461
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 461
SPD,

I feel for you. It seems you are ganged up on by the W and her family. My sitch is different in the fact that (in general) My W's family supports me and what im trying to do.

I have read many times on this site that you cant let other people's actions and negativity to effect what you are trying to accomplish.

I was at dinner some weeks back with the entire in-law family. My MIL basically insulted me in front of everyone and told me to grow up. I was so angry I had to leave the table. When is was returning I stopped short of the door and heard by BIL really letting his mother (My MIL) have it. I waited until things had calmed down. I then walked in and apologized to the MIL and excused myself for the night.

MIL later apologized to me.

I guess the point im trying to make is that anyone can say anything to anyone at anytime and it is out of our control. Even if its not true, there is no point in trying to defend ourselves.

Now, trying to figure out how to be a good dad without enabling your W is a very tricky deal. I have not come close to making this work and I constantly second guess myself. From the advise ive gotten here you got to do what's best for the kids no matter what. I try to pretend that my W and I are business partners at this point. And I try not to expect anything from her.

I hope this helps. I have a tendency to ramble.


M:39
W:40
S:10
S:7
D:12
BD:3/5/15
Separate BR:3/5/15
W moved out with kids 1/3/16
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 53
S
SPD72 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 53
Tkdemme,cadet,Azzork

Appreciate the reach out.
No worries on the rambling tdm ..I tend to do the same...just good to be able to share and get advice in these trying times.

Whats shocking is the situations may be different but the plays are all the same..on one hand I am angry at myself doing things the wrong way for so long..other hand glad i searched, found this board and people not only in similar situations but men willing to fight for their family life...

As for the balance between great dad and not being used by WAS..IT'S HARD MAN.

I try to see my kids daily...I don't see them if I have to work or if W made plans ..but we talk daily..

I got a second job, so that I can meet all my obligations ..and that makes it doubly hard..to answer your question Azzork I've always gone to every practice, it's not something I started since BD... I don't want to change my interactions with my kids because of the problems with W.

Gave this alot of thought last night perhaps too much...
Am I angry that she's using me as a babysitter so she can go and do whatever?
Should I even care..?.as I am around my kids and they happy to have me around..
She knows my kids are my life and soul..


Me:43 W:38
M:10 T:11
D:10 S:8
BD: 1/1/15
Sep:4/1/15
D filed: 8/12/15
1st court date: 9/22/15
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 1,952
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 1,952
Originally Posted By: SPD72
As for the balance between great dad and not being used by WAS..IT'S HARD MAN.

I try to see my kids daily...I don't see them if I have to work or if W made plans ..but we talk daily..

I got a second job, so that I can meet all my obligations ..and that makes it doubly hard..to answer your question Azzork I've always gone to every practice, it's not something I started since BD... I don't want to change my interactions with my kids because of the problems with W.

Unfortunately, your relationship IS going to change, at least somewhat. So it's time to prioritize.

Originally Posted By: spd72

Am I angry that she's using me as a babysitter so she can go and do whatever? Should I even care..?

It depends what your goals are. Is it to be married to her again?

If so, you may need to shift HOW you parent. You should not sacrifice being a great dad. But you may need to re-examine what it means to be a great dad.

Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 53
S
SPD72 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 53
Originally Posted By: Azzork
Originally Posted By: SPD72
As for the balance between great dad and not being used by WAS..IT'S HARD MAN.

I try to see my kids daily...I don't see them if I have to work or if W made plans ..but we talk daily..

I got a second job, so that I can meet all my obligations ..and that makes it doubly hard..to answer your question Azzork I've always gone to every practice, it's not something I started since BD... I don't want to change my interactions with my kids because of the problems with W.

Unfortunately, your relationship IS going to change, at least somewhat. So it's time to prioritize.

Originally Posted By: spd72

Am I angry that she's using me as a babysitter so she can go and do whatever? Should I even care..?

It depends what your goals are. Is it to be married to her again?

**I honestly don't know if I want to be with her anymore..the level of vitriol and historical revision not to mention her complete lack of accountability..her family's incessant undermining and whisper campaign...and her pollyanna disneyesque vision of relationships has at times driven me to think "good riddance to bad rubbish".

Her I was the "perfect wife" and "one day you'll regret me leaving" and " I'm in hell (at her mothers) and you put me here " speeches makes me seethe...

Before i came here i responded to all that fire for fire..I'm human..I just wabt to be treated fairly...my LDAs were 8 yrs ago..I did everyting she asked..when i tried to explain that thetr was no excuse for the choice i made it wasnt made in a vaccum...I was denounced as repulsive and lacking in character.
I know this is just the anger /ego phase, but it is also an honest reflection.

I am no saint I fully owned up to my shortcomings and fears. I was adopted, adopted family became blended..ADULTS made my early years horrendous..I researched my biologicals..found them nasically told "I dont want you messing up the life i have built" so i have a few issues regarding family dynamics.
***

If so, you may need to shift HOW you parent. You should not sacrifice being a great dad. But you may need to re-examine what it means to be a great dad.

***Can you explain further..due to my own experiences as a child I was always fully involved with my kids as I wanted them to know baring something drastic I WOULD BE THERE..***


Me:43 W:38
M:10 T:11
D:10 S:8
BD: 1/1/15
Sep:4/1/15
D filed: 8/12/15
1st court date: 9/22/15
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 53
S
SPD72 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 53
It depends what your goals are. Is it to be married to her again?

**I honestly don't know if I want to be with her anymore..the level of vitriol and historical revision not to mention her complete lack of accountability..her family's incessant undermining and whisper campaign...and her pollyanna disneyesque vision of relationships has at times driven me to think "good riddance to bad rubbish".

Her I was the "perfect wife" and "one day you'll regret me leaving" and " I'm in hell (at her mothers) and you put me here " speeches makes me seethe...

Before i came here i responded to all that fire for fire..I'm human..I just wabt to be treated fairly...my LDAs were 8 yrs ago..I did everyting she asked..when i tried to explain that thetr was no excuse for the choice i made it wasnt made in a vaccum...I was denounced as repulsive and lacking in character.
I know this is just the anger /ego phase, but it is also an honest reflection.

I am no saint I fully owned up to my shortcomings and fears. I was adopted, adopted family became blended..ADULTS made my early years horrendous..I researched my biologicals..found them nasically told "I dont want you messing up the life i have built" so i have a few issues regarding family dynamics.
***


Me:43 W:38
M:10 T:11
D:10 S:8
BD: 1/1/15
Sep:4/1/15
D filed: 8/12/15
1st court date: 9/22/15
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 1,952
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 1,952
Originally Posted By: SPD72
I honestly don't know if I want to be with her anymore..the level of vitriol and historical revision not to mention her complete lack of accountability..her family's incessant undermining and whisper campaign...and her pollyanna disneyesque vision of relationships has at times driven me to think "good riddance to bad rubbish".

Her I was the "perfect wife" and "one day you'll regret me leaving" and " I'm in hell (at her mothers) and you put me here " speeches makes me seethe...

Before i came here i responded to all that fire for fire..I'm human..I just wabt to be treated fairly...my LDAs were 8 yrs ago..I did everyting she asked..when i tried to explain that thetr was no excuse for the choice i made it wasnt made in a vaccum...I was denounced as repulsive and lacking in character.
I know this is just the anger /ego phase, but it is also an honest reflection.

I am no saint I fully owned up to my shortcomings and fears. I was adopted, adopted family became blended..ADULTS made my early years horrendous..I researched my biologicals..found them nasically told "I dont want you messing up the life i have built" so i have a few issues regarding family dynamics.

Nobody here wants their spouse as they currently are. Because they are walking away, they are going to do EVERYTHING in their power to turn YOU into the enemy. As such, they NEED you to ACT as the bad guy to alleviate their guilt and prove to them that they are making the right decision.

Who would want to be with that? Thats why the advice here is to take the focus off of her. Who cares if you want to be with her right now...since she doesnt want to be with you, that option is off of the table. Focus on you and become the SPD72 that only a fool would leave. Once she decides that she is interested in reconciling, only then do you need to worry about the crap that shes pulling right now.


Originally Posted By: SPD72
Can you explain further..due to my own experiences as a child I was always fully involved with my kids as I wanted them to know baring something drastic I WOULD BE THERE..

All Im saying is that you wont be there 100% of the time for your kids. Your kid wakes up with a nightmare at 3 AM on your W's night...you arent going to be there.

With that in mind, you need to decide what is important to you. If you need to be at every soccer practice, your W is going to use that to her advantage (as you can see). Im sure that will extend to other things, and I fear you will find yourself becoming a babysitter more than you probably intend.

Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 53
S
SPD72 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 53
Good points Azzork. ..

As I miss my W...the pre metamorphosized version..

It's really good to have someone without an ax to grind objectively talking you down form the ledge...

Thought long and hard last night...
I need more GAL time and I need to start on my goals and cease worrying about Ws motives..

On separate note S8 is acting out not listening to W or MIL...being openly defiant..so had him over for a chat and sone ice cream last night...he hates being at grandma's house..hates sharing a room with his sister ...doesn't like that "they talk about you (me)..and they don't know I sit on the stairs and listen ".
And "why can't we live in the same house anymore?"

I told him to listen to mommy and grandma and he can always talk to me..I'll always be his dad..I'll always love him..then I almost lost it..he asks..."what if I do something bad..?"...I could just hold him and say daddy will always love you and be here...

Any advice on how to not handle..but defuse the situation?
We raise out kids to believer in the family unit... in redemption...that no matter what happens. .they'll be loved
Then they're world is ripped apart and a simple question
Why can't you just say I'm sorry and fix it is asked..

I'm lost for words...


Me:43 W:38
M:10 T:11
D:10 S:8
BD: 1/1/15
Sep:4/1/15
D filed: 8/12/15
1st court date: 9/22/15
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,693
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,693
Good morning SPD, I just read your thread. It seems to me that as a husband your path is to model good behavior and react to your wife's actions with good choices. On the other hand as a father you have much more leeway.

You like going to soccer, go to soccer. Why are you going? For the kids? For your wife? My guess is for the kids. Don't you think the kids feel good seeing you there. Your wife uses it to her advantage, big deal, the kids are the prize. In this moment your wife is not close to being the prize. Grab every opportunity your wife gives you to be with them. You should be grateful to your wife for strengthening your role as a father.

Focus on the kids, focus on yourself. Give all your love to your kids. Be there for them, be their rock. This is a scary time for them. It is in their best interest for you to model your best behavior as their father. You will never regret fully supporting your children. If not you who? Your wife? She's to busy melting down. Your MIL and SFIL? They don't want to, their babysitters.

I have no good advice about how to handle your wife accept what I said at the beginning. As this storm is raging over your family, let your kids see the calm in your eyes. At this time, this your path, they are your life. You will make an incredible difference in their lives.

You got something better to do?



“Character is destiny” Heraclitus
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 1,952
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 1,952
Originally Posted By: SPD72
Thought long and hard last night...
I need more GAL time and I need to start on my goals and cease worrying about Ws motives..

Yes. Good!


Originally Posted By: SPD72

On separate note S8 is acting out not listening to W or MIL...being openly defiant..so had him over for a chat and sone ice cream last night...he hates being at grandma's house..hates sharing a room with his sister ...doesn't like that "they talk about you (me)..and they don't know I sit on the stairs and listen ".
And "why can't we live in the same house anymore?"

I told him to listen to mommy and grandma and he can always talk to me..I'll always be his dad..I'll always love him..then I almost lost it..he asks..."what if I do something bad..?"...I could just hold him and say daddy will always love you and be here...

Any advice on how to not handle..but defuse the situation?
We raise out kids to believer in the family unit... in redemption...that no matter what happens. .they'll be loved
Then they're world is ripped apart and a simple question
Why can't you just say I'm sorry and fix it is asked..

I'm lost for words...

It's tough. My kids havent asked exactly the same questions, but pretty similar. All you can do is explain as clearly and simply as possible about whats going on - sometimes grown ups decide they dont want to be married anymore, but that doesnt change how we feel about you...youll always be my son/daughter, and I will always be here for you and love you.

I would NOT give them too many details yet about whats going on actually. I would NOT try to pin your W as the "bad guy".

You may want to investigate some kind of professional counseling.

Page 3 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard