When is kindness enough?

[Ripe]

I am home.
Arrived yesterday.
My kids were ecstatic.
My wife and I greeted each other with two kisses in the cheek.
I avoided her the whole time, didn’t speak two words with her. The elephant in the room was huge.
She went to bed earlier. I joined her some time later. She asked if we could talk the day after, in the evening. I suggested in the morning, the sooner the better.
Today we went for a walk and she announced it: she wants the separation.
From the conversation it is obvious she thinks the kids will be ok and no big change in their lives will happen.
I will move and have to visit the kids on the weekends.
It was a civilized conversation.
Afterwards we went to the mass with the kids, my Mother and sister, as a family.
It was the last time in their lives this happens. It breaks my heart.
They read Ephesians 5,21-32:
“A wife should put her husband first, as she does the Lord.(…)
A husband should love his wife as much as Christ loved the church and gave his life for it.”
Most appropriate.
W already told the kids she is flying in two days because she needs to do some stuff.
This is the saddest day of my life, but I am focusing on my kids. The joy their eyes and smiles show is like a buoy in rough sea.
And then I remember what the youngest told me as soon as he had finished hugging me: "let's go looking for your girlfriend, she will be wanting a kiss from you."
Deep breath, as Zephyr sais (thank you for your kind words).

[2Times2Many]

Hello Ripe. I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. My heart goes out to you because I have recently had a very similar thing happen. My H and I were working on trying to rebuild and it all fell apart. (He tried to cross a boundary that he was well aware of and I said no.)

Ironically, in the ensuing aftermath, he announced he wouldn't be here for my upcoming birthday, as well - the first time in over 20 years. (He spends most of his time overseas, mostly by choice.)

I know how devastating it is to feel like you're making progress and see it all go up in smoke when your S suddenly reverses course and goes back to the "it's all about me" attitude.

However, please try not to get into a defeatist mindset, as in "this or that will never happen again." None of us know what tomorrow holds.

Last June my H and I were talking about D and how to divide things up. Then in February, we were trying to piece things back together (unsuccessfully ... at least, for the moment). But, you never know what tomorrow will bring.

Keep working on you. Becoming a better you is the greatest gift you receive out of DB'ing. When I'm down, I tell myself that I am an amazing woman and if he doesn't want to spend his life with me, it's his loss. And then I work on being an even more amazing woman.

Hang in there.

[Ripe]

Thanks, 2Times.
I had never thought about it like that: it's W loss she doesn't want to spend her life with me. I will start repeating that to myself.

Anyway, yesterday I dropped the rope.
I talked to my SIL and she is also dropping it. We both are. It was devouring us and it is time to let go, for our sanity sake. We agreed to not touch this issue any more, to stay in contact as good friends we have become and, not forgetting, close relatives.

Later on, I talked to my Mother. It felt good, very good.
Now everyone knows but the kids.
The plan is to tell them as soon as we are back. It's a nice motivation to start the new school year, isn't it?

Well, today is my kid's birthday.
He is the one who matters.

[Ripe]

I need some advise on how to behave tomorrow: should I kiss her goodbye?
She is abandoning us; what I really feel like is to stay in my room and not see her at all when she takes a taxi or whatever she is doing to go to the airport.

[Fogg]

I wouldn't be the one to initiate the kiss. Reread the rules, you want to keep a good PMA and don't appear cold. It's her loss and ou shouldn't begin acting angry about it and lash out at her.

[Ripe]

I wouldn't be the one to initiate the kiss. Reread the rules, you want to keep a good PMA and don't appear cold. It's her loss and ou shouldn't begin acting angry about it and lash out at her.

That is sound advise, Fogg.
And, if I would be able to think rationally for a second, an obvious one.
Fortunately, I have this forum and you guys.

Reality is starting to check on my W.
She wants to start a new life, so she decided to rent a new flat and leave the one we have been occupying for the last three years in this foreign land.
The town we live in is a horrible one, no parks, no public areas, cars parked everywhere.
I was fortunate to find in the centre a house with a closed yard.
Because one of my kids has some skeleton problems I had to train with him rope jumping and other children games. He is so shy I would have never managed to do that in an open space or public garden.
Three weeks ago he went to the doctor, who was amazed at his development. He said we should keep doing the same thing.
My wife is expecting just that from me, she told me, but her fog doesn't allow her to see that it will be impossible once we live apart and she moves to a flat.
Besides that, our kids have become good friends with the neighbours grand-kids.
These kids are used to play outside, in the same yard.
It's a cultural thing this country has, kids still play outside without parents supervision. It is doing wonders to my eldest self-esteem.
So today my W told him they will be moving out. He immediately started crying and it was hard to calm him down.
Barely he knowns that besides moving to a new place he will be without his dad.
Can't my wife realize it's what is she doing to the kids?

[sandi2]

Can't my wife realize it's what is she doing to the kids?

In her opinion it is not about the kids. Everything is about what she wants in that instant (and subject to change without notice).

[Ripe]

Can't my wife realize it's what is she doing to the kids?

In her opinion it is not about the kids. Everything is about what she wants in that instant (and subject to change without notice).

Yes, Sandi. And by reading your posts I already know we cannot do anything about it.
I wouldn't care if it weren't for the kids.
Do you all want to know what my son told us before going to bed?
"This was the best birthday I have ever had".
I am so glad I could give him a good day, but it is the last he has had with his family intact.
How will he be celebrating his birthday in one year?
Let me just hate that person my W has become for some more hours. She will be gone in half a day.

[Fogg]

Just be careful with the hate. Part of the DB process is being able to control your emotions regardless of what they are. This means not only controlling the desperate clingy person when we only want W but also the angry person who wants nothing to do with them.

It can be just as hard to control the one who lashes out as the one who begs, so be careful. Feelings change over time so try not to react or make decisions based on them.

Nothing you can say to W will show her what she is doing to her family, if you attempt to it will only drive her further along. Coming from you, anything you do say will just look like a con to trick her back into the M, which wont work. She has to see the consequences of her actions with her own eyes, which can take a very long time.

[Ripe]

Dear Fogg.
Your words are wise, but don't worry. I was never a hateful person and I have always been open to forgiveness.
My moment of hate has passed.
W is now gone.
We gave two kisses and I wished her a nice trip. When my kid saw it he said: "the boyfriends are kissing goodbye".
I now have 10 days to enjoy the kids by myself.
I announced the divorce to my side of the family so I am in piece with myself.
And something important happened: I had a crucial conversation with my sister together with my brother. She has been abusive to my mother for several years and today we confronted her. I think we convinced her to seek treatment but at least she now knows she will not misstreat our mother ever again. During this conversation I shared my feelings and this is a novelty for me, the biggest 180 I could achieve. Did I do it because of my W? No, she was not even present.
Before DB I would never reveal myself to my family so openly.
I did it today and in the process helped mmy mother. I feel great.