Need advice for a WW who left Part 3

[dwh15]

Had a great time at my cousin's wedding. The reception was in an old barn, and the weather was beautiful for it. Caught up with a lot of my extended family. Went to bed feeling pretty good.

Woke up this morning and had the usual few minutes of laying there and feeling depressed. Finally got around and went to church, which definitely helped my mood. Stayed for around an hour after the service to help move a bunch of school supplies for a charity drive they were running. Now back home and having a hard time again. The weather is cloudy and rainy, which always seems to make things worse. Sometimes I just look around at other couples and see how happy they are, and it makes me wish so badly for what I had.

It's getting easier every day and I'm staying pretty active but feel like I've still got a long ways to go. With the new job on the horizon, I'm getting constant questions from friends and family about when I plan to file. When I say some time early next year, I usually get to watch their jaws drop. Nobody understands why I would want to wait so long. Even when I try to explain it, and say I need to be ready, people have a hard time understanding why I would still have any feelings left for WW after what she has done. I guess you really can't comprehend the depth of love and loss if you haven't experienced it firsthand. So I won't be letting anyone sway my opinion. This is my life and I'll do what I feel is right when I know the time is right.

[dwh15]

Got taken to lunch today by the company who just hired me. That was nice. Spent 90 minutes really getting to know the young man who has been my recruiter. Then picked up a couple of hours of side work for a customer I've known for years. Not much planned for the evening, but WW is taking the usual 2 boys (S18 and S8) bowling and back to her place for a few hours. She asked me to feed them first as she is low on money (a pretty common situation the past few weeks).

I'll probably just stay home with S16 and S10 and get some housework done. Only a week left before I'm back at a full time job so need to get some laundry caught up. I've already got evening plans for Tuesday and Thursday this week, plus lunch plans Thursday and Friday. Doing pretty well at GAL overall, and while I'm busy it's been getting a lot easier to not think about WW.

I'm starting to think about casually dating, but not decided yet. I don't want anything serious and no plans to be unfaithful, but I think it would be a nice distraction. And I honestly think it would help me detach even further from my W. I want to know that there are other women out there who find me attractive and interesting. And if I start to develop any feelings, then it would be a motivator for me to go ahead and file for D. It's not what I want, but the more time that passes, the more I become discouraged looking at the path back to a healthy M. I mean, she's been cheating for almost 5 years! And with at least 4 OM. How do I get past that? And is she even capable of the work it would require to fix herself? I'm taking it day by day but starting to imagine myself more often with someone new; someone with no sorted history of betrayal.

[CaliGuy]

I'm starting to think about casually dating, but not decided yet. I don't want anything serious and no plans to be unfaithful, but I think it would be a nice distraction. And I honestly think it would help me detach even further from my W. I want to know that there are other women out there who find me attractive and interesting. And if I start to develop any feelings, then it would be a motivator for me to go ahead and file for D. It's not what I want, but the more time that passes, the more I become discouraged looking at the path back to a healthy M. I mean, she's been cheating for almost 5 years! And with at least 4 OM.

Not telling you what you should and should not do here as far as the dating. I will share during all this I too got to a point I felt the urge to get off the bench and throw up a couple to see if I could just hit the rim.

Lesson I learned, I was not over my W, not ready to put myself out there more than just have fun and show off some of the traits I knew women found attractive. I went out on a couple dates, could have pursued more but didn't knowing that I was solely using the 2 girls as a crutch, as a boost to my ego, in fact filling it with the wrong kind of gas, this was not the confidence I wanted ... was not from within so I pulled back and looked at who I was and what I wanted. Just because W was involved in an A, did not make it ok for me to do the same ... I decided to honor my vows, to not allow my loneliness to control me nor my actions, when my D was final and I felt I was ready to give 100% of myself to another then I would be open to a R .. not a day quicker. Turns out that day never came and I am ok with that.

Your choice, but as uR says ... do this from a place of strength not out of emotional neediness.

How do I get past that? And is she even capable of the work it would require to fix herself? I'm taking it day by day but starting to imagine myself more often with someone new; someone with no sorted history of betrayal.

I am not sure, but I do know its not from another woman, the bottom of a bottle or from a pill .... its from alot of work, tons of time, and a belief in yourself. What happened to you will have to be processed, you will carry this with you in your M, or in any relationship you have ... its not something you can just drop off and disregard. This is why you have to rebuild you, keep working on yourself ... let things play out as they will.

[dwh15]

How do I get past that? And is she even capable of the work it would require to fix herself? I'm taking it day by day but starting to imagine myself more often with someone new; someone with no sorted history of betrayal.

I am not sure, but I do know its not from another woman, the bottom of a bottle or from a pill .... its from alot of work, tons of time, and a belief in yourself. What happened to you will have to be processed, you will carry this with you in your M, or in any relationship you have ... its not something you can just drop off and disregard. This is why you have to rebuild you, keep working on yourself ... let things play out as they will.

Thanks Cali. I needed to hear from someone with a solid outside perspective. It's hard when you keep hearing from every single one of your friends, and most of your family, that you need to let go, file, and get on with your life. Plenty of encouragement to date, and even a couple of offers to set me up. I think they all believe that the way to move on is to find another woman. I know it's not the answer and have resisted the temptation up to this point, but the loneliness wears on me, and I'm still struggling with rejection and low self-esteem.

I believe that you're right though. I need to keep working on myself, get to the point I am OK with being alone, and as far over WW as I can possibly get. Maybe not completely over her, as I'm not sure that day will ever come, but enough that I can realistically commit to another R. Otherwise, I'm no better than her - trying to slap a band-aid over a gushing emotional wound, and using whatever pour soul happens to come into my path to make me feel better, however temporary that may be. Thanks for the reality check.

[MrBond]

"I'm starting to think about casually dating, but not decided yet. I don't want anything serious and no plans to be unfaithful"

You do realize this is hypocritical right?

[mahhhty]

I'm starting to think about casually dating, but not decided yet. I don't want anything serious and no plans to be unfaithful, but I think it would be a nice distraction. And I honestly think it would help me detach even further from my W. I want to know that there are other women out there who find me attractive and interesting. And if I start to develop any feelings, then it would be a motivator for me to go ahead and file for D.

I'm with Mr Bond. This is silly. You were with her for 20+ years and it has been 4 months and you want a distraction. Educate yourself on statistics... Statistics show that in the U.S., 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second, and 74% of third marriages end in divorce. Contributing factors....People don't develop the necessary relationship skills to navigate any relationship and they move on early looking for comfort and or distractions.

Get a hobby. Contribute to your local area. Coach. Mountain Bike. Enter a poker tournament. GAL. Anything. But there is no such thing as casual dating for a person who has been married with kids and is 4 months out after spouse left.

You aren't even D'ed yet. Before you do anything that could possibly affect her ask yourself these questions...
1 - How does this affect my kids?
2 - How does help me reach my goals?

[dwh15]

Thanks guys. Bond and mahhhty jumped in late, but if you look above, Cali already set me straight and I replied that I agreed. It's actually closer to 5 months since WW left, based on DDay 1, but she didn't "technically" move out until DDay 2. Still, she hasn't really lived her since early March. But in the big scheme of things, you're right. It's not a lot of time compared to the 24 years we were together. I have been keeping busy with GAL activities and having a lot of fun doing so. Making plenty of new friends, and reconnecting with old ones. Attending my first ever 4-man golf scramble this Saturday.

It's just hard sometimes. It doesn't sound like a lot of time, but that 5 months feels like an eternity. Of course, every day I seem to change my mind but I'm trying to commit to a year separated before I file. Then, it's another 6 months before final in this state. By 18 months out, I really hope that I'm well on my way to living a mostly happy life, free of daily thoughts about WW. Well, that is assuming nothing changes between now and then, but I honestly don't see her coming out of her A fog before around 2 years out, and I'm not waiting that long, simply out of financial concerns. We just crossed 18 years of M, and if I hit 20 years, which would be May 2017, then the court will potentially consider permanent spousal support. So that is my cutoff - I will be divorced or on the road to reconciling by late 2016. Doesn't mean that I can't continue after D, but I don't see myself wanting to keep any hope alive for that long. Doesn't mean I wouldn't still consider being with WW again if I were single, but I don't plan on letting the current sitch go past 2 years.

[dwh15]

Had a pretty good day. Picked up a few hours of work on a side job, then met my cousin for dinner and drinks. After that, got some more training as a bartender and helped close down the club, then home by 11pm. Stayed active, had a good time, and day went by quickly. Still thinking about WW but not constantly and it's not nearly as painful as a few weeks ago.

Kids were with mom yesterday and when they came home, I heard from S18 that mom seemed stressed most of the time and glued to her phone all night. She was apparently fighting with OM and that was her focus. He said it seems to be a pretty regular thing with those two and happens every couple of weeks. They always seem to make up by the next day but the whole relationship just seems toxic and unstable. I'm getting beyond worrying about when or if it falls apart, in terms of giving me a chance. But I do worry about how it affects the kids and whether it is healthy for them to even be around WW when her primary focus is the latest argument with OM. I continue to log time spent by both me and WW each day, and will be presenting it as evidence when/if we get to the point of officially determining custody.

I know my W loves her kids but she clearly isn't thinking straight and doesn't seem to be making them a priority in her life right now. It's amazing and deeply sad to have to say that about one of the most generous and caring mothers I ever saw, up until a few years ago, but it is current reality. There are no other priorities for me - those boys are my life. I know that I need to be the rock for them and I will do whatever is required to protect them, even if it means going after a lion's share of the custody. My W says she wants more time with them, but never takes action on it. In fact, any time a social event comes up, she will prioritize that over time with the kids, and often cancels due to that kind of thing. I hate to say it, but feel that she only sees dollar signs when she starts talking about custody. She wants the financial support w/o the responsibility. I'm prepared to fight and continue to hope and pray that some day my WW wakes up.

[Vanilla]

What does your L say about filing?

Would the initiative be best from you?

This is the time to follow L advice. Absolutely to do that. I think so, and these matters are private to you and L. If asked " oh, I am unsure" then change the topic.

With regard to dating, I understand why you might casually think about this and I agree with MrBond, until the ink is dry then its poor role modelling. There is more work on you. I think what you need is good old fashioned GAL, honest to goodness get out and enjoy yourself with your mates GAL, new activityGAL, old activities GAL, hobbies GAL kids and dwh GAL. work GAL to come, how exciting.

I am very pleased to read more detachment and so very thrilled you are putting the boys first in your life. And dwh needs a life, your boys can see you doing healthy things with your life and having a life, holding your head with pride.

It isn't for me to say, but I am so proud of you, I am shedding a tear of compassion as I type. There is a man who is becoming the best he can be. More steps to do, a work in progress.

Smiling

V

[dwh15]

What does your L say about filing?

Would the initiative be best from you?
V

I have asked my attorney about this on several occasions. He assures me that there is no advantage to being the first to file, and thought it was actually a good idea to continue waiting, assuming I am in no hurry to be D. Until someone files, there is no court obligation to pay WW support. Also, it gives me more time to establish a solid history of time spent with kids. The more time that goes on with me being the primary custodial parent, the more likely the court will lean towards keeping things as they have been, meaning I get custody. Neither I nor my WW has brought up the D word in several months, but I have heard that she has been speaking with an attorney. I suspect she would like to file but is having a hard time raising the money to actually hire someone. I'm certainly not helping her along, as time plays to my advantage.

With regard to dating, I understand why you might casually think about this and I agree with MrBond, until the ink is dry then its poor role modelling. There is more work on you. I think what you need is good old fashioned GAL, honest to goodness get out and enjoy yourself with your mates GAL, new activityGAL, old activities GAL, hobbies GAL kids and dwh GAL. work GAL to come, how exciting.

I am very pleased to read more detachment and so very thrilled you are putting the boys first in your life. And dwh needs a life, your boys can see you doing healthy things with your life and having a life, holding your head with pride.

It isn't for me to say, but I am so proud of you, I am shedding a tear of compassion as I type. There is a man who is becoming the best he can be. More steps to do, a work in progress.
V

Thank you so much V. If you read above, I got hit with a few 2x4s on the dating idea, and agree with everyone. There are plenty of reasons NOT to do it, and I will be following the great advice given here. Just needed to be reminded of the reasons.

I feel I am doing really well on GAL and am certainly enjoying getting out and meeting new people, making new friends. Actually excited about starting the new job next week. I plan to continue working on that, and myself, becoming the best father I can be.

In regards to WW, I still miss her, but the days are getting easier, I'm sleeping better, and the morning not nearly so depressing as they once were. I feel myself detaching and know that if there is ever a chance to R with my W, it will be starting all over in a brand new M. The old one is dead and buried. And if we are not together and H and W, then I really do hope to reach a place where we can at least be friends.