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mutatio #2600792 08/23/15 04:07 PM
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Originally Posted By: mutatio
Thank you asitis and Vapo.

It makes sense, if she enters the kitchen in the morning and I am already there Good Morning is fine.

Entering her room at night just to say Good Night is a polite form of pursuit.

You people are my barometer and compass, I am not fully acting, there is still some reacting and second guessing on my actions. Oh well, a new day is here with new opportunities.


We all struggle with the second guessing, reacting, unconscious habits that we are trying to change, and walking on egg shells. It is tiring. That's a lot of why we need GAL & detachment. GAL gives us a break from it all to recharge our batteries. Detachment makes one less reactive & spend less time second guessing. It takes time, and it doesn't mean that we don't still struggle at times. But you appear to be doing very well.

Some things you'll struggle and struggle with, even if you understand it intellectually. Then something will happen, and you just get it and that aspect will click into place. We not only need to be patient w/ our Ss, but with ourselves.

Just remember be friendly & polite when she is around and initiating interaction, but unless it is really, really necessary you don't initiate.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
asitis #2600803 08/23/15 05:05 PM
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I have a question that I need an answer to. Heres the background to the question.

We have a mutual friend that has invited us to a dinner party this coming Friday. There will be 5 couples and we are all friends. The woman who invited us knows we about our marriage problems. When she invited my wife, she said you decide if you want your husband to come. She is more my wife's friend then mine. She got divorced 3 years ago and has met some one new and is in love. My wife once said she is sad she does not have that kind of love and never will with me. Any way, my wife asked me if I wanted to go. She told me what the friend said about bringing me. At first I did not want to go because I never really liked the woman but I like the other people that will be there. Then I thought I would go to show our friends there is nothing wrong with our marriage. After thinking about it for a while I asked my wife if she wants me to come and she responds "I don't care, do what you want". She was not angry or adversarial when she responded, she just doesn't care. I decided I would go and told her so. After thinking about it all weekend I am having second thoughts because of her response. I want to say to her that I will go if she wants me to go and if she will not say that I will stay home. I like the people that will be there and will regret not going but feel my wife should want me there. My questions:

Should I try to make a point to her about "don't care" and not go or should I be happy she told me about the diner party and go?

She did not have to invite me, she could have said she was going alone. Was her mentioning it an invitation from her and the "don't care" just defensiveness?

I want to get it right for the long run and thought there may be a counter intuitive aspect to it I am missing. Your thoughts, opinions please.



“Character is destiny” Heraclitus
mutatio #2600810 08/23/15 05:16 PM
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You're overthinking it.
Go and have a great time with your friends.

Definitely DONT ask again if she wants you to go. She already said she doesn't care.

Azzork #2600828 08/23/15 05:54 PM
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Agree w/ Az. And if she didn't want you, why did she ask? Asking her how she feels is pressuring & she will resist by doing what she did. To her it likely feels like you are feeling her out for how she's really feeling. That's not something she wants so she gets defensive.

When you go, focus on the other people. Don't hang around your W, and don't try to show people your M is OK. Just have fun with the people. That will show you handling things well and not put any pressure on W. She will be more likely to want to ask you again if you keep it as low pressure on her and not turn it into a performance for others or by focusing on her.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
asitis #2600884 08/23/15 08:39 PM
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I agree with Asitis and Azzork. If these are people you enjoy, then by all means go and have a good time. In addition, to this,

1- You are still around and not going to just disappear because your W dropped the bomb.
2- You can hold your head up high, be friendly and positive, which will make people less likely to believe any crap your W might be saying about you.
3- If you avoid people right now, it might be awkward to run into them later. Just go, have fun, and if at a later point you decide not to socialize any more than it is on your terms.



gonegrl #2600950 08/24/15 12:56 AM
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Azzork, Your right, I am so worried about getting it right and not making a foolish error that I make my self crazy. Thanks!

asitis, You make good points about my wife feeling defensive. One of the goals I want to make for myself in regards to my wife is to have her relaxed and not feel defensive with me. I can and will do what you suggested with this group of friends next Friday. I love the idea of you last sentence. Thank you for posting.

photoka, Your thinking is sound. She bombed me but I'm not dead yet. I like point 2 because in the long run it may cause my wife to look inward and reflect. On the 3rd point that is exactly what happened to that friends husband causing him to disappear. Thank you for taking the time and advice.

I will never regret becoming a member of this forum. There is compassion and wisdom here.



“Character is destiny” Heraclitus
mutatio #2601123 08/24/15 04:16 PM
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I see now that all this work is about me, not her. Everything here is to help, improve, support myself. Then through me the people in my life.

Is this correct or need a tweek?



“Character is destiny” Heraclitus
mutatio #2601131 08/24/15 04:47 PM
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Correct. Those people in your life may include W later at some point but that's mostly up to her and mostly out of your control.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Fogg #2601246 08/24/15 10:18 PM
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Mutatio,

This work is about you, that is the best thing you can do for you.

You described your R as being a play in four acts, you are now moving into act 5.

Your W may not see the R in the same way.

Let's see if I have this right

1. The loving phase
2. The abusive phase
3. The beat Mutatio up phase
4. The WW breakaway phase

You described these as clearly delineated in your description. I can't see it that way, phase 2 was when WW switched off, and stayed switched off, I think. MWD describes this clearly in her opening chapters of both DR and DB.

There are 4 layers of work to do each layer has its deficits and advantages. This is a wonderful opportunity to atone and rebuild.

So here is a very tough question, which of course you can choose not to answer.

How does WW see the acts in the play?

What did you do to take action after act 2?

What actions are you taking now? IC?

Mutatio these layers can be useful to you to start to rebuild yourself, to help you detach and to unravel your own feelings and involvement.

To build love for yourself, so you become confident in yourself. To become.

peace

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 08/24/15 10:20 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2601387 08/25/15 11:36 AM
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Thanks for dropping in and posting Fogg. I think I have a good understanding of what I have to do. My problem is what I do in the "weak" moments.

Are you and your wife living under the same roof Fogg? I read so many threads including yours and I mix them up in my head.



“Character is destiny” Heraclitus
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