Zelda - Baby One More Time

[Zephyr]

Hi Z, thank you for posting other day. I've been trying to re-look at what I am doing to see if there is some tweaking to do

It looks like you have done some amazing looking at yourself lately. I am very excited for you and your path to healing. I am also thankful that V is so helpful to everyone here, so insightful and thought provoking.

As for "Because I just can't get it in my head or gut that STBX is an abuser, or an awful person, and that is why when I 'rationally' try to pin him there without a mask, it doesn't stick?" - I think that will take time. We all perceive our spouses in some way, they all change but we don't change our view of them. I think the 'reality perspective' will set in soon enough.

Thank you again for checking on me!!!

[Vanilla]

I had a period where I saw my WH as a cartoon Disney 'baby'.

The cigar smoking kind

V

[Zelda09]

I know the cigar smoking baby, but it just won't work! Too funny V, was this really your H's personality?

I think my visual can be two creatures inside STBX head; a John Malcovich head. A stock photo of a beautiful 3 year old boy with the sun shining like a halo. This little boy wants to be loved and cared for, catered to, and he's amazing. Except when he's disappointed. He mostly is in control as long as things are going well.

And the gremlin next to him takes the controls when the little one can't handle things and gets upset. Gremlin coldly and angrily destroys as his mission to revenge the little guy.

The sweet little guy bakes and creates and tinkers with his toys. The gremlin leaves him alone and watches lots of porn, amuses himself with being angry over world affairs and getting women to feel sorry for him. Enjoys studying people for where they are weak and making fun of them. Mostly they ignore each other. The little one doesn't know how to have conversations with himself or the Gremlin and the ugly one doesn't care to think about things like that though he's certainly intelligent.

We all have our angels and Devils on our shoulders; usually there is a core personality in the center.

I don't miss him much anymore. I've been feeling so good last few days, detached finally.

Somewhere here in this thread I think I've made a shift. Obviously I'm still thinking of him and the past, but it's not hurting as bad or heavy, lots of good GAL.

[Vanilla]

Yes, cigar baby WH in full ranting mode, spot on image.

I am very happy for you to read the shift, there is a peace and rationality in your post

V

[Fogg]

Glad you had that shift to detachment Zelda, I had my own recently also and its much less chaotic in my head now. It really is nice to have that peace for even a little while. No telling how things will go in the future but if we keep moving forward we will be fine

[gonegrl]

Zelda, I am just catching up on your sitch now. I was emotionally abused (and borderline physical abuse as well) as a child, daughter of an alcoholic. There are many of us out there. I don't have much to add, I think you have gotten some great advice and support here.

I just visited my father last weekend, got there with my kids and within 10 minutes I wanted to leave. Because somehow, every time, I "forget" how mean he is. How could I forget? But we don't get to choose our fathers, we do get to choose our spouse.

My point being, we don't always think in our own best interests. Our emotions and memories can deceive us. You deserve better and I think with detachment you will get stronger. Keep posting and take good care of yourself. You are worth it,

[Zelda09]

My IC has for 2nd time suggested I consider drugs.
I will pull myself out of this without them. I am going to increase my schedule demands during the day.

I still don't know what my past really was and it is hard to go forward into the future without some way to make it all add up. So I have tried to just accept that it doesn't and that is how it will sum up, as an irrational number.

I just hurt endlessly.

I can't believe he, who loved me so much, could have treated me this way and never to look back, like I was nothing. There was always some sign after every dip of the roller coaster that he cared, and the silence has been deafening. It is hard not to see him as evil. I do not want to see him again, ever, but in ten days I have to.

I've decided it's the nature of abuse to not want equality in a partnership. To diminish, shame, scare, and control so that a safe place of power is maintained.

One photo I found of our old texts from last year when I was on my way to meet him and said something he didn't like about how his ongoing case effected both of us and we needed to be able to talk about it:

H: go F off!
(An hour goes by)
H: where are you?
Z: per your request, I've decided to F off.
H: but K is here helping,she asked about you, you're going to leave her to do all the work?
H: as if you even cared that Id have a chair to sit in.

Notice how he swings from intimidation to guilt, implying how selfish I am.

What incredible anxiety must lie under all that. I will not pity him though. He has a mans intelligence, if not a developed heart, and he could have made the decision long ago to grow up if he wanted to.


Instead he'll go through life finding fault with every mirror he looks into until he finally smashes it into the ground.

I want to tell his old friends about the 'running' they told me of, what it all was those years. I want to find the exes and talk to them, but he never made mention of their names, whereabouts or anything but their craziness.

The last one, he said she cut her wrists trying to break into his place. One before that, threw a computer at him. He broke things off immediately with both, he'd told me. I wonder now if he wasn't the one bleeding on a windowsill or hurling a monitor cross the room.

[Zelda09]

Thank you Photoka and Fogg. I am detached from him, no longer on his string wanting my M...and I grow stronger, it's true.

But now I struggle with something that seems to sit on my chest all day. I cry and cry. Days pass in what feels like hours. I still get out and I still GAL but it's positively joyless except for a few glimmers where something seems funny to me or I find myself inspired. I am trusting that these moments will increase despite what feels like a long slide the other way.

My STBX must have felt something like this after enough time has passed since his accident, and he looked healed...when people no longer acted as though anything had happened or he might need them.

I told my IC, bestie...the hardest thing is it's a blip on everyone else's timeline. It still feels raw to me as the week it happened. There's nothing to say to anyone any more. No one understands and I feel incredibly alone and stopped in time in this way.

[BklynMom]

Hi Zelda don't know you story well but here is my 2cents.

There is no prize you win by getting through this without the aid of medicine. I was on a heavy doze of prozac and along with therapy and Alanon I have come out of my divorce a new and stronger person.

We hear on the boards understand how raw you feel. I totally get it. If your IC doesn't get it maybe consider a new one. The best counselors I have heard of allow us each to get through it at our own pace.

Seriously consider medication - Im off it now but it really saved me. I would never want anyone to go through the misery I experienced without all the help available.

[Zephyr]

It is not much, but I do not believe you are one. I am glad you have stuck around. You have made a difference in my healing...I hope we can help you any way we can.

XX