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#2600502 08/22/15 09:20 AM
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Hi. This is the first post on this site although my H has been in MLC for 4.5 years (since April 2011) when I found out he was having an emotional affair with a work colleague. Stupidly, I allowed him to stay at home with myself and our 3 children (8, 14 and 15)thinking it would all blow over (I didn't know about MLC until last year). This has caused me no end of distress and pain.

1 year ago he told me the EA was over and that it had dwindled due to her changing jobs. However, last week I found a note from him to her saying 'come and find me and we'll start a new life together' among many other things. It seems things have never changed for him in all this time. OW has 4 children and a husband (who my H works with).She is in love with my H (he's told me a couple of times).

According to H, OW offers him an intellectual challenge which I don't. I have always known that he thrives on debate and is academically brilliant, in fact, just the opposite of me.

I am not sure if H is having a MLC of if this is 'just' an affair after realizing that there is a much better option out there. However, he shows all the major signs of MLC (wanting to be alone, wanting the run away, constant pre-occupation with death, being in deep depression, feeling time is running out to 'make his mark', feeling resentful of me for not working (I brought our children over 10 years, one of whom is autistic).

He has told me he has never wanted to leave me. He has continued to be very generous with his money, supporting us all as a family and me in my new business ventures (i am self employed).

2 weeks ago, on finding the note, I asked him to leave.I haven't spoken to him since and feel like I am through. I feel completely deceived and want no more part in that deception.

After spending the last 2 weeks alone, I have finally realised I played a large part in his MLC due to my childhood issues and their effects on my personality/development. I think now is a good time to start to change these things about myself, to become a better person. I recognize I am in need of guidence and help, and after reading posts from others, I think I have come to the right place.

Thank you all in advance.

Joss


Married Dec. 1997
EA discovered April 2011
H lived at home until August 10th 2015
Separated August 10th 2015
kids aged 8. 14 and 15
I think we're done.
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Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.


I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2583553#Post2583553

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.


Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Joss,

Responded to you in newcomers



"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
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I'm going to answer you here because you said this is where you wanted to continue. You cant move the previous thread but it can be linked.

My story is here somewhere, or it was, may have been purged in the most recent server adjustments.

I am not reconciled and I'm really good with that. My X and I get along well. My story is a long one. The long and short...

QLC 98-2000. Reconciled but crisis not finished. Bomb 03...nothing. Bomb 07, another in 08. By mid 09, I was done. After a lot of Dbing, alot of introspection, and a lot of heartbreak.

We shared our home, separate rooms, until late 2011, and then I moved. We did this for our son. We learned how to navigate it. It wasnt always pretty but it worked.

The perimenopause...I forget everything. That didnt start until about 2 years ago. Night sweats and other symptoms for close to 10 years now. Periods come and go when they want. Not on any sort of schedule. The worst for me is the mood swings.

I manage with a combination of natural rememdies. I am nog someone who visits the doctor often. I seem to be allergic to chemical things. So...I take phytoestrogens (plant estrogens), which helped for a long time. But not totally. Then I learned that they need to be balanced with progestrone. So I added progestrone cream. As my sex drive waned, i learned i could and needed to boost my testerone, so I take zinc for that. It took a lot of research and time to find the right combination.

Additionally, i make lists. Alot. Even to keep track of cleaning and stuff because i can easily walk from one room to the other and get distracted.

It gets better eventually. Or so they tell me.



"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
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Hey Joss. I have had more than one name on here so it would be difficult to find my whole story.

Basically, it is this. BD was in 2007. I couldn’t get dbing for a long time. I mean I understood its premises, but, I had a hard time implementing them. With the help of the amazing people here who would not give up on me, a wonderful therapist and sheer will power, I finally did get it and it changed my life.

To me, dbing is a way of life. If you do the work, you become who you were meant to be and in my opinion, it gives the best chance of saving a marriage.
My xh stayed in my home for almost two years while having an affair. He eventually left and I finally had to file in order to try to stem the financial destruction his actions were bringing. He did some horrific things and he is sadly, still swirling around the tunnel…often hugging hard to its walls. I wish him nothing but peace always.

I remember when I first came here; I was desperate for success stories until I learned this….. all of us who have survived this and have come out the other side whole and healed are success stories whether or not our marriage was saved.
I believe fully in this process. I believe that this was meant to happen to me and I am forever grateful for my journey. I wish it didn’t happen in the way that it did, but, than it would be a different journey.

If you want to know any more about what I’ve been through, don’t hesitate to ask. I am still around because I promised myself I would pay it forward.

So, let’s roll up our sleeves and get to gettin’. When this first happened to me, I blamed myself completely. I had gotten very small throughout my marriage. I am not going to blame my xh because I am responsible for my feelings. I allowed him to make me feel less than.

You chose to stay home and raise your children. To me, there is no greater or more important job than that. Please don’t allow your husband’s words to ever let you forget that. When we do that, we often get lost. We throw ourselves deeply into making our children’s lives as rich as we can. We forget to take care of us.

That doesn’t mean that you have nothing of importance to share. It doesn’t mean that the ow is any smarter than you are. It just means that you took a different path, one that I am sure brought you great joy and fulfillment. Celebrate that, Joss. Don’t let him make that any less important than it is by his words or actions. Own your truth.

You lost your way a bit. Not because you aren’t capable or smart, but, because you loved your children and wanted what was best for them.

But the reality is that it is important for us to find a balance and it’s important for your children to see that. You matter, too, Joss.

So, tuck your marriage safely away in a box for now. He needs to figure himself out and you need to let him. It’s the only way he will get through this.

Dbing will seem counterintuitive to you at first. But you need to put the focus on you and your kids. Leave him to his journey and you walk yours.

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Joss- glad you have found this board but sorry you are in this situation. I am a little over a year post BD and have very limited contact with my H.

I too stayed at home for many years. I work FT now and that has brought new challenges and rewards. I think my D's have been strong through all of this because of my time at home.

I wish I had found this site earlier but the more I start to understand MLC the more I realize that DBusting could not have prevented my H from choosing to leave. Don't try to to analyze because you can't rationalize the irrational. Just know that here you will find support, wisdom and the refuge you need from this emotional roller coaster.

Hang in there.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Thanks for your kind response uRworthy. It was timely as I am having a couple of off-days. Have been very down thinking how alone I feel at times, and how bleak the future looks without complete family. I know H is not having any kind of fun, despite still being with OW. He told me 3 years ago that wherenver he's with her he's reminded cr$p life has become. Pity he didn't think to change it. wink

I am trying to get a life, make plans and get involved in things. I have plans tonight and over the weekend. I am trying to fit a lot in before the kids get back from MILs next Tue.then it's back to school for the 3 of them. That'll leave plenty of time to ruminate!

Quote:
it gives the best chance of saving a marriage.


I think this is especially true for me. In the past 2 weeks of being on my own, I have done a lot of thinking and I realise we haven't done anything as a couple since the kids were born. It's no wonder we are in this mess. WE have never had family local to babysit and because our middle child is slightly autistic, I have never wanted a 'babysitters' to sit him. I would never be able to relax. frown

How do you spend your time outside work? What makes you happy now you have time to yourself?

Quote:
You chose to stay home and raise your children. To me, there is no greater or more important job than that.


I completely agree with you. But I did lose my identity. That's not good. I am trying to get it back now by doing things I really enjoy.

Quote:
So, tuck your marriage safely away in a box for now. He needs to figure himself out and you need to let him. It’s the only way he will get through this.


Thank you for your lovely kind words uRworthy. It means a lot.

Can I ask if you are still open to reconciliation if the time came? or has there been too much water under the bridge?

Happiness to you.

Joss


Married Dec. 1997
EA discovered April 2011
H lived at home until August 10th 2015
Separated August 10th 2015
kids aged 8. 14 and 15
I think we're done.
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 48
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123gwen
Thanks for your support and enouragement. It is good to hear from others in the same situation as oneself. You are still new to this - I will check out your thread to find out where you're at.

I;m almost 5 years in and only now starting to GAL. I kicked H out 2.5 weeks ago due to his continuing liason with OW. I lost patience (and self respect) and wanted rid of the constant secrecy, deceit and lack of respect. I am ashamed I didn't do this 4.5 years ago, but with no headspace it was difficlut to see which direction to go in for the best

Thanks again.

Joss.


Married Dec. 1997
EA discovered April 2011
H lived at home until August 10th 2015
Separated August 10th 2015
kids aged 8. 14 and 15
I think we're done.
Joined: Sep 2012
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Hey Joss. First of all, no being ashamed of yourself for not making him leave sooner. Those kinds of feelings only weigh you down. Best to let go of the woulda, shoulda couldas.

We are all responsible for those things in the marriage that we did or didnt do. To me, though, it has to do with intent. I did not intentionally try to hurt him or the relationship. I've learned we do the best we can with the knowledge and tools we have at the time. When we know better, we do better.

I am actually on another part of my journey, trying to figure out what matters and what fills me up. I enjoy spending time with my family, writing, biking, volunteering, taking classes and traveling.

I stood for years, but, I am no longer interested in reconciling. He lives 6 hours away and has his own life as do I. We are very different people. I have changed a great deal, he hasn't. As I wrote, he is still deep in the tunnel. Not sure if he will ever get out. I hope he does and finds happiness or this was all in vain.

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Another incredultous statement from H:
"I never wanted to leave you and the children." Said with a completely straight face, too.

Thanks H. Thanks for the truly magnificent honor of being 2nd in your life.

WHY CAN'T HE SEE HOW INSULTING THIS IS?


Married Dec. 1997
EA discovered April 2011
H lived at home until August 10th 2015
Separated August 10th 2015
kids aged 8. 14 and 15
I think we're done.
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