So I continue to see NG. He's actually not new anymore, so I will now call him BF. We have moved in together and things are going well. Our relationship is real. We get along well, kids are like long-lost brothers and sisters. What I love about my life now is that everything is real. Nothing is pretend. Nothing is "for appearances only". I can be me, he can be himself and the kids can argue and it's okay. It's great as a matter of fact. My kids are over the moon about BF. He actually does things with S that his dad has never done. Ice Fishing, snowmobiling, boating, etc. And D already calls BF her stepdad. She adores him. Sometimes I think she is closer to BF than she is to her own father.
And no one really cares, but X continues to become more and more off the rails. I didn't think it was possible, but it is. His behavior is more and more bizarre. But his antics don't really get to me anymore. I start to react at first, then back off and just try to let things roll off my back. And it works. And it drives him even crazier now because he can't get that reaction from me any longer. The sad thing is that now, even D is starting to realize her dad doesn't measure up. Oh, she still loves him, but she is starting to tell me she doesn't like going to dad's house and she doesn't like OW and wants to stay with me and BF. Of course I have to tell her she will have lots of fun with daddy and I will see her soon and she needs to spend time with daddy. All the while knowing her daddy won't be around much. It breaks my heart, but there is nothing I can do.
So I guess my advice to newbies is listen to the vets on this board. They know what they are talking about. It takes time, but you eventually get there. But you have to MAKE yourself get there. And it ain't easy, that's for sure.
Peace out, WH
Last edited by wishing, hoping; 08/21/1508:58 PM.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
wishing, I'm so glad you returned today to post. Time flies by so quickly and when we are enjoying life, it flies by even faster. I'm happy to read that things are going well w/you and your BF. You are seeing what a real relationship entails. I guess the children are getting ready to return to school soon. How is your son doing? Are things any between him and his father?
I'm sorry that your xh is going off the rails even more so than before. Step way back and allow him to splash around in the barrel. Hopefully, one day, he'll hit bottom and come to realize what he had and lost.
Take care of yourself and I'm very happy that life is so much better for you now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So I continue to see NG. .... Our relationship is real. We get along well, kids are like long-lost brothers and sisters. What I love about my life now is that everything is real. Nothing is pretend. Nothing is "for appearances only". I can be me, he can be himself .... I will see her soon and she needs to spend time with daddy. All the while knowing her daddy won't be around much. It breaks my heart, but there is nothing I can do.
So I guess my advice to newbies is listen to the vets on this board. They know what they are talking about. It takes time, but you eventually get there. But you have to MAKE yourself get there. And it ain't easy, that's for sure.
Peace out, WH
I think that when we can be 'real' with someone else that we are really very lucky. We are all not the same people to begin with so compatibility often plays a role of course. Values may conflict, judgements can be made, lack of understanding simply b/c upbringing is so different sometimes. Being with someone else takes work. Feeling that you can be yourself is 'not to be taken for granted.
I was very happy to read of your update!! Thanks for sharing with us, everyone loves a happy ending.
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
It's odd to long in after all this time and really see no familiar names on the postings. People come and go. And I hope the posters on this thread find peace. It's hard to find that peace but the secret is it comes from within and most of us are so busy fighting and scrambling to find peace they don't see it when it comes. It takes a while but once it's there it makes a world of difference.
Months have passed. In fact it's upon the two year anniversary of when I moved out of the marital home. So much has changed for me, but yet I am the same person I always have been. I look at that house now sometimes when I pick up the kids and marvel at how cold the house is. No warmth...no love. It seems haunted. My son told me the other day that part of me still lives in that house and will never leave and as long as he and D are living there I will always be there. Such a wise boy. And I realized he was correct. For a moment it made me pity OW. But only for a moment.
I can only see things from my point of view, but everything the veterans say on this forum is true. It takes time to see it. Lots of time. And you wont believe it when you do see it. It comes when you aren't looking for it.
I am doing well. Things are shaky at my place of employment. Lots of layoffs but I have survived so far, but I know that no one is irreplaceable so I have started looking and brushed up my resume just in case. Things are really really good with NG and very very serious. My kids just love him and D calls him dad (or stepdaddy). He treats them just like they are his own and loves them dearly. He is teaching S and his own son how to rebuild a motor in a snowmobile since he bought two sleds for the boys so they can work on them. S's own father would never ever do anything like that.
S is a remarkable young man. He is on the honor roll, plays HS and Club soccer, is involved in Band and Choir, is trying out for Honor Choir and is very active in the HS theatre. He has so much going on and he loves it. I am beyond proud of him. D is a little character who has recently discovered a love of reading and Pokemon. LOL. She loves to sing and is now an acolyte in the church we attend. She tends to have a low self-confidence, but I'm working on that. Her stepmother is not helping.
As far as X, I am not sure what to say. He still tries to get me mixed in with his daily life with and without the kids. For example, he is still having issues with the dog having accidents in the house and of course it is my fault. He claims I don't let the dog go to the bathroom before I drop it off on the days he has the kids. I assured him that wasn't the case. He texted me and told me he couldn't have the dog in his house unsupervised if the dog kept having accidents. I told him he needed to lock up the dog then or find doggie daycare. He said or else I could just not drop him off on Wednesday mornings. I told him if that was the case, he would need to come to my place on Wednesday afternoons and pick up the dog as I was not accepting full responsibility for the dog. I have heard nothing about it since.
X is withered and tired. He still puts on the act. But he looks nothing like the man I met and married. He is a mere shadow of that person. And OW, the perfect woman whom the kids love as much as a mother, has become someone who has no motherly instincts whatsoever, even to her own children. S and D don't care to be around her. They tell me she is mean, snippy and rude and the kids are too be quiet as mice when she is sleeping. D tells me she makes her cry a lot while S just stays away from her. The latest is that X has started taking S back to counseling sessions to discuss "family communications" and of course he sent me an email stating it was my fault. How is having family discussions with a counselor on communications WITHOUT my presence supposed to improve things if I am not present? Interesting.
Long story short, X is stuck and is going nowhere. I am moving forward and I don't think he likes it and therefore is trying to keep me involved so I can stay stuck. NG was worried for a long time that X was gonna wake up one day and want me back and I told him even if that did happen, it's too little, too late and I can't go back to living like that.
I still hate only having the kids part-time. That's the only thing I can't get used to. But X owes it to them and to me to be responsible for them. And I can't be the one to keep them from their father. Then that would turn around and affect me.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
wishing, I'm glad you returned to post an update. Now that you are away from the drama, you can see more clearly that your xh is a very broken man and until he hits bottom, he'll continue on as he is right now.
As for the dog, no one has control over when the poor dog needs to potty. Even if you took him out before he arrives at your xh's, he would still need to go again. He either needs to crate him or put him in a room w/potty pads on the floor. I wouldn't accept total responsibility for him either. I do think your xh uses the dog as an excuse to stay in touch w/you.
I'm happy to read that your children are thriving and are getting along w/the NG. That's very important to all of you. Your children are well adjusted and it appears that they are doing well in school and in the other activities. It's a shame that their father doesn't take more of an interest in what they are doing. I think he would find that they are wonderful children and he would/should be proud of them.
I'm not surprised to read how your xh looks physically. They all get that way after a while. Can't burn the candle at both ends and expect to look like Suzy Sunshine, i.e., especially trying to out run old age. Maybe Santa will bring him a new beret that will suit his new look of being withered and tired.
You have so much to be proud of. You've come a long way from living in the house of horrors to now living in a calmer, more peaceful setting not only for you, but for your children as well.
I wish you and your family a very happy holiday season. May the new year bring you some added peace into your life.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey folks. Just letting you know that NG and I are now engaged. I couldn't be happier. Of course, once in a while I worry and I think about things that happened in my previous marriage, but NG is completely different from X. NG thinks X and OW are crazy, insane narcissists and of course he is correct.
Since my engagement, X is different. I don't know if it's relief on his part, or what, but at times he is civil, sometimes downright pleasant. Don't worry...I never let down my guard. Not even for a second. He just had shoulder surgery (something he let go for many years that he finally couldn't ignore) and he was trying to get my sympathy. I told S that I had no sympathy for his father because if X had looked into the problem several years ago like I suggested he wouldn't be where he is now.
A few weeks ago, S had a soccer tournament on X's weekend. X asked me to take D to her game because apparently OW had a previous commitment (or is too feeble to drive that far) and meet him at S's tournament. Afterward he wanted to get the kids something to eat and asked me to join them. Normally I wouldn't but D was riding with me and it was transition time (from him to me) and we had an hour drive back to our town and the kids were starving. Rather than say no, I agreed to stop so D could eat. He asked me to sit with him and the kids and I did. It was beyond awkward since it was the first time we had ever really sat together as a "family" since BD. The kids were fine, but I couldn't wait to leave. I told S later it was very awkward for me. But then again it was a great reminder that I have left that life far, far behind me and I never ever want to go back to it. I have come too far.
Since then, S told me this summer his dad intends to try and change placement to where he will get the kids on Sunday nights instead of them coming back to me. It has been almost two years since the D was final, so it is to be expected. S and D don't want things to change, and neither do I. I know from going through courts before they won't change anything unless change is beneficial for the kids. I dread going through something like that again. I can just imagine the courts will dread seeing our names come through on the dockets. X will have to bear the burden of proving the switch back to me is not good for the kids. I don't think he can prove it enough for the courts to rule on it. They would most likely send us to mediation and the evil circle can start over again. But then again, maybe X said that to S to shake me up. Either option is a definite possibility.
I wish I didn't have to deal with this guy but lately he has just been really trying to prove himself as a great guy and doting father. But it may look that way on the surface, but down deep we all know the real story. So basically a lot has changed, but yet nothing has really changed.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
