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Lost08 #2601189 08/24/15 07:56 PM
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Originally Posted By: Lost08
SCARED out of my mind. Going to distract myself and breathe and think different thoughts.


Lost -
Heres a piece of advice that really helped me take control of my fears.

The marriage that you know with your H was already over at BD. That doesnt mean that you will get or stay divorced, but there is no going back to the marriage that you had or thought that you had.

With that said, what is there left to be scared of? Hes going to make his choices and live his life. Of course, we're all hoping that he chooses to want to restart you marriage. But thats out of your hands. If you focus and worry over only the things you can control, that fear will dissipate.

Azzork #2601464 08/25/15 05:03 PM
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Hiya, Lost.

Your friend Py went to the ends of the Earth to hook me with his cane to come by here. Py is a persistent fellow, isn't he? wink

I am here if you have any questions or need specific information to aid you in your sitch.

Will need to go back and read your thread(s) to catch up on your history.

Be back later....

Last edited by Wonka; 08/25/15 05:03 PM.
Wonka #2601479 08/25/15 05:37 PM
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Lost,

Sorry I was not around yesterday. Was away on a work trip.

Shoot, the apartment lease isn't something you would want to get into because H "feels" the need to have some "external change" to his internal turmoil. I would have simply said, "I am not comfortable with leasing an apartment given our circumstances. If you want to do it, you are going to need to do this by yourself and in your name only."

Isn't the plan for H to be out of the country soon? What is the deal with this? Can you please give us some information on this aspect....when will he be leaving, for what purpose, and for how long?

While H is away, I gather you will be responsible for both the house and the apartment by yourself...correct?

What is your children's situation? Ages, and schooling plans?

Last edited by Wonka; 08/25/15 05:37 PM.
Lost08 #2601493 08/25/15 06:08 PM
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Originally Posted By: Lost08
Wow. Thanks, HaWho. The number he wants is for a therapist my IC provided. But I don't know anything about the person. The C actually gave H the number and he just misplaced it. Sooo, I'm not in control of that either!

He found the card & already has the info and will be pursuing it. Wishing I had a divorce busting therapist right now!

SCARED out of my mind. Going to distract myself and breathe and think different thoughts.


Hello Lost,

Many of your online friends will agree that Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best advice on how to save your marriage and keep your family together.

I highly recommend taking of advantage of the online special for Telephone Coaching.

Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004

Cristy

Last edited by Cristy; 08/25/15 06:08 PM.

A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Wonka #2601651 08/26/15 02:43 AM
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Originally Posted By: Wonka

Isn't the plan for H to be out of the country soon? What is the deal with this? Can you please give us some information on this aspect....when will he be leaving, for what purpose, and for how long?

While H is away, I gather you will be responsible for both the house and the apartment by yourself...correct?

What is your children's situation? Ages, and schooling plans?


Hi, Wonka! Yes, Py was so gracious to track you down. God Bless Py.

There are so many details I skipped over in my original post. I really don't know which ones are important anymore and which will just be me rambling. So, I'll do my best to add detail and you take what you need from it. I'll also answer any further questions.

H is former military. Currently he is a government contractor working for the military. Been at this same job for 13 years. 12 of which have involved heavy travel. When I look back now, I can't believe how much or how I survived. When H first started this job, we moved to a new neighborhood which, for me, became very isolating. I have always been responsible for the house, children, finances, etc. Sometimes, it has been very daunting. We live on an acre so needless to say there is always outdoor maintenance I must also manage.

And I work. M-F in the school system. Weekend night shifts 2-3 x / month.

There have been times he has been out of country for 6 months, 9 months in a row. Always an adjustment period when H returns, but not too bad. Always have loved and missed each so much in the past, we were just relieved and happy to be together.

Unfortunately, this has taken a toll on our family. More so than I realized until now. My children always struggled with his absences and I did my best to cope, love and support them. Contact with H when he is out of country has always been whenever he can call or Skype us. Perhaps only once, early on, did H have a phone for us to call and that was to be used sparingly. I must also add when H finds it convenient to call or Skype, it is almost always at a hectic time here. Dinner or bedtime or one of the children having a meltdown. He is tired of calling and hearing any sort of argument, negativity, children fighting, etc. He doesn't want to deal with that. How can I blame him? Who would want to hear that? But, it irritates and angers H if I ask him to call at a later time because it interferes with his schedule or desire to go to bed early or desire to go out with co-workers.

There has also been a known pattern with many of his co-workers having affairs, marrying women from this country and/or juggling 2 families-one American, one from the other country. We have often talked of this. H was always very critical of this behavior and promised it would never happen with us... I trusted him like that silly girl in the horror films who predictably goes right into the killers arms. Now he says "I'm getting sucked in."

Fast-forward to the most recent 2 years. Travel out of country not as bad with H being sent on brief trips of 4 or 6 weeks. At present, he is on a rotation of 6 weeks out of country, 6 weeks in country. BUT he can at any time request to remain full-time (6 months or longer) out of country.

In the last year, H had actually only traveled once or twice. We became used to having him around, but I believe I wasn't grateful enough and too depressed to appreciate H or my M. I just wanted someone else to take over all the responsibilities. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself and became so overwhelmed with the demands. Hindsight is best, I guess.

The house has been under renovation for many years now, with H doing repairs when he is around and when we have the finances. Finances have also been tight. At this point, H is tired of it all. Tired of our life, the responsibilities, the house, the lack of easy finance.

This past year was extremely trying. Our daughter struggled with 2 close friends attempting suicide, both girls being hospitalized for in-patient mental health more than once. Many of her classmates "cutting" themselves and developing eating disorders. We had her in therapy. She didn't want H to be involved or even know about it. She also briefly tried cutting. She's been very emotional/sensitive. H also had medical issues - chest pain, respiratory problems and the full work-up. Oh my gosh, I could go on and on about these "little" things that plagued us this year.

I, myself, have been unhappy of late and very depressed. I tried to communicate to H, prior to this latest trip, that I felt we needed to sell this home and move on to a simpler way of life. Looking back now, I don't think he heard me. I didn't realize how unhappy he was and caught up in his own "crisis."

He left the country at the end of June. Up until this point, H still frequently would call or text just to say 'Good morning, beautiful' Or call just to hear my voice. We frequently would profess our love for the other. We said our usual good-bye. Hugs and kisses. I love you's... etc. Only this time, when H returned in August, he told me he met someone there that he "clicked" with almost immediately, from the very first day, and now he realizes what he's been missing. H says he's in love with her and he wants to see where this goes. H also says he loves me, but he hasn't been happy in a very long time, maybe even years, that it's not like it was in the beginning with us. He said "I love you. I could never just forget about you and or leave you. If I could I never would have come back. Believe me, it would be very easy to arrange." H also says it's easy with OW. That it's supposed to be easy. It shouldn't be hard. He says he feels healthier in the other country.

So, now he leaves again for work, for another 6 weeks at least, if he doesn't request more. The OW is from the other country, and works where he does, so they are together every day. H has an embassy driver with an assigned car with bullet-proof windows when in this country. He is driven to and from work this way. (High rate of American kidnapping) He admitted he arranged to also to drive OW where she needs to go after work. When I confronted him (wrong move, I know now) about the constant cell phone use and secrecy here at home, he admitted since he returned to the States, they communicate daily, usually by a secret email account he has. He is amazed by this "feeling" and doesn't wish to give it up.

Yes, I will be responsible for both the house and apartment. The apartment came about as a necessity for my children to enroll in a safer, better school district. D is 14. S is 12. But it pains me how well this may play to his needs/potential plan to leave.

H says he expected me to kick him out when he admitted involvement with OW. He expected me to move out with the kids and he would stay in the house. I believe I completely took him by surprise when I didn't take that route. At present, he plans to move into the apartment with us. The children certainly are expecting that. And, really, how hard for him could it be? He leaves 9/20. He talks of selling our current home and purchasing a new one within the year. H talks as if we are together in the future. Maybe out of habit? Maybe trying not to hurt me more? Or maybe still figuring it out himself.

I do believe he is very confused. I am devastated H has OW. Never in my wildest dreams did I see that coming. H is not someone who opens up easily to others BUT H has found that "something" with OW. H is also not someone to look backwards. I wish I knew what needs OW was fulfilling. Obviously, I have been neglectful. How do I figure out what needs to attempt to fulfill?

I have been so obsessed with the time frame. Feeling I must quickly initiate change. Before he returns to OW and their bond deepens. Azzork has been patiently reminding me H is going to make his own choices and my time is not limited. My brain is having such difficulty processing and accepting that. I keep returning to it and need constant reminding.

I am overwhelmed with all of this - my M breakdown, the A, his MLC?, the impending move, new job, new schools for both the testing for my own health scare. Tonight I am exhausted with sadness and anxiety and regret and fear of the unknown future and the pressure of all these responsibilities.

I have been trying some of the techniques from DR and advice from kind veterans here. I'm definitely struggling. I think I've been able to make some small changes and H may have noticed. He remarked today on how much work I have been doing the last few days to clean out and pack the largest room. Last night, when he came to bed, he laid near me and rested his hand on my arm. There hasn't been any contact like that since H returned. I don't want to think about it much or get my hopes up. I think it was a baby step? But tonight, less contact. Idk.

So here I am flailing about. Impatient but trying to be patient. Devastated. Heartbroken. Sad. Angry. Sometimes in denial (I like denial. It's an awesome place.) Not really eating. Not sleeping much. Unable to concentrate & there are so many important things to concentrate on right now! Fearful. Lost.


M 43 H 48
M 19y T 20y
D 14
S 12
H returned home from out of country 8/8/15
BD 8/11/15
EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing
PA H denies
ILYBINILWY
Lost08 #2601702 08/26/15 11:16 AM
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I'm going to add to my already lengthy post...
In the past year, H also had major dental work - all new teeth. Smile is the best it's been his entire life. He recently started exercising, too. Cue the A.

I am listening to the advice about how this needs to me-about my growth. GAL, PMA. Where do I start? I can't seem to find my footing.

Won't be able to get back to computer until much later, but anxiously awaiting advice, criticism, support. Anything

So desperately need a hug/someone to hold me frown


M 43 H 48
M 19y T 20y
D 14
S 12
H returned home from out of country 8/8/15
BD 8/11/15
EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing
PA H denies
ILYBINILWY
Lost08 #2601717 08/26/15 11:59 AM
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Hi Lost, I'm sorry to hear this. What you post (and your H's age) all scream MLC to me. Have you been over to that part of the forum at all?
The whole dental work, exercising, OW scenario is all too familiar I think.

Read 25years post to Anna on GAL in infidelity - you may find that really helpful....

Here's a big hug from me ((((((Lost08)))))))....I know I'm probably a poor second, but it's a hug nonetheless.... smile

Last edited by Cadet; 08/31/15 12:41 PM. Reason: per forum agreement no mention of other authors

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2601721 08/26/15 12:13 PM
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Lost -
Im sorry to read all of this. I can see why you named this thread. I can feel your flailing in the hurt in your words.

It sounds like you have enough on your plate to spend all of this energy worrying about H and your R. My recommendation (for what it's worth) is to try to find just ONE activity that you enjoy doing - running, knitting, playing a game, going apple picking....whatever). Find one activity and do it for a couple hours. Just that amount of time to absorb yourself in something other than this situation helps so incredibly much.

Once you do it once, then you can start going longer and longer without obsessing and driving yourself crazy.

Azzork #2602038 08/27/15 09:18 AM
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Thx Sotto. I appreciate the virtual hug. <3


Should I try to move my thread to MLC? How do I do that?

Azzork,
it does help some. I've been running and biking for the past week. Found a cross-fit class but don't have the $$ right now, or, unfortunately the time. I'm working on that, too. Going to try to figure out how to carve some time out for me, maybe after the move. Still an uphill battle esp. since my commute will be longer, but I have my eye on that goal.

Yesterday evening, a man drove into the side of my car frown He wasn't paying attention to the road and I kind-of lost it, yelling at him on the street. I wasn't very nice. Fresh from my IC, I think all my emotions were right there on my sleeve. Thank the Lord there was no serious damage and no one was hurt. But, man, I must admit I wish so badly that I had been hurt so I didn't have to come home to continue living in this nightmare. I don't want to keep waking up to this.

Last edited by Cadet; 08/31/15 12:42 PM. Reason: per forum agreement no mention of other authors

M 43 H 48
M 19y T 20y
D 14
S 12
H returned home from out of country 8/8/15
BD 8/11/15
EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing
PA H denies
ILYBINILWY
Lost08 #2602046 08/27/15 11:42 AM
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Originally Posted By: Lost08
But, man, I must admit I wish so badly that I had been hurt so I didn't have to come home to continue living in this nightmare. I don't want to keep waking up to this.

Lost! You don't mean that! Yes, I know this hurts. I'm right in the middle of this shot with you. The betrayal. The rejection. The loss of that trust, that friendship, that companionship, that intimacy. All of it. Hurts like hell.

But it's TEMPORARY. what you are talking about is a permanent response to your temporary emotions. You don't need that. You're stronger than that. And, nobody needs you more than your children RIGHT NOW - their dad is in total self destruct mode. You have to be the rock for your family. If not you, then WHO?

Let's find healthy outlets for your pain. Let's grow as parents, friends, and people all together. Let's become the versions of us only a fool would leave.

You can do it, Lost08.

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