You are experiencing all the same emotions I did/do. I don't really understand why I still want to save my marriage when it seems hopeless. I hate not having control over what is happening to me. I do believe that letting go and taking care of myself is the only hope I/my marriage has but it is hard!
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
if only we could turn back the clock and not do all the things we regret. Still, the WAS was not forced to this action. so many of us begged to "talk" at BD, but the decision was already made. My W blasted me "I owe you nothing, I owe the M nothing". I couldn't understand - thats what commitment is. Yet the power of the AP obliterated all logic.
Forgiving myself was perhaps the hardest part, harder than forgiving her. And yet, even though I think I am resolute with this, it still hurts, I still get angry.
It will take time Lost. can you add a signature please?
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
You are experiencing all the same emotions I did/do. I don't really understand why I still want to save my marriage when it seems hopeless. I hate not having control over what is happening to me. I do believe that letting go and taking care of myself is the only hope I/my marriage has but it is hard!
What a crappy club to belong to, eh? Let's both keep moving forward and lift each other up.
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
I HATE my lack of control over all of this. That it will be a long process. That it could take years. But I definitely don't want to go backwards. I desperately want to repair my M and have a stronger R, but, once again, HUGE fear that it will never happen and everything I did to contribute to this breakdown has damaged the M beyond any recovery.
How do you give the control of your marriage to the person that is trying to leave it? We all struggle with that.
And you know what? We do because there's no other option. There's nothing we can do to hold them here. So we have no options but to let them make the choice that they want to return. All we can do is keep the road back smooth.
BUT we can't wait around on our thumbs hoping that they will come back. The best thing I've done since BD is prove to myself that I don't NEED to be married to my W. Start with GAL and PMA. Then get to work. You'll be shocked at the things you can do.
As for the airport thing - I'm sure you can find a way! New lipstick, do your hair differently....something. I think doing that will have more impact than a teady goodbye at the airport. But that's just my opinion.
So here I am, once again focusing on him. Crap! This detaching thing is so tough. I'm analyzing everything.
We finalized a lease on the apartment yesterday. It seemed to be a good day together. H is reaching out but at the same time distant. I can see a struggle. I think he's trying to "do the right thing" but is at war with his heart. I say this b/c in the one MC session, when asked by the C what life he wanted to have - one with his family or to be with OW, he said "I know what the right answer is, but..." . I think now I can see this in his actions.
For example, while looking at the final apartment choices the day before, we were walking through the neighborhoods. At several different times, he asked me the time, despite the fact he has his phone in his pocket and could easily check & mine was zipped away in a satchel. After the third time, I joked I was going to have to buy him a watch, wouldn't it be easier to look at this phone? His reply was "My phone is off. The only person I need it for is you and I'm with you."
Nice conversation during our walk and he unexpectedly reached out and lightly (& briefly!) touched my back when I was walking up the stairs ahead of him.
Then last night we went out to dinner after signing the lease. All 4 of us. The children were not happy with the choice of restaurant-mainly seafood-and were being vocal about it, which teed me off. H & I went back and forth on whether or not to leave, I can see my old pattern came out, UGH, and we ended up staying. H was distant throughout dinner, keeping chair moved enough away to avoid any potential contact. Convo to minimum. I think I handled that part ok. Not emotional. Tried to keep things light, chat with the kids who did end up enjoying the meal. Short visit with an acquaintance afterwards & ice cream with the kids. H seemed surprised he liked the H of the woman I was friendly with and he enjoyed the brief company. Quiet, detached ride home.
Once home, H announces he's off to bed and comes over and kisses me on the cheek. He's done that a few times over the past 2 weeks after the initial BD, mainly out of guilt as a result of something I said in the initial fallout & my ensuing mania. I actually don't expect it anymore and would almost rather he didn't b/c, seriously, who do you kiss on the cheek but a friend or distant relative? ANYWAY, this time he put more force behind the kiss - to make me really feel it?? Or show me he meant it? IDK. It was different.
I think I see that he still has feelings towards me, but it's not like with the OW. I wonder if he's having nice conversations, and light touches and kisses on the cheek to show me he's making an effort? But I can see on his face, for him, it's not the same as the pull of OW. I don't want him to put on some fake show to make me feel better & not hurt me anymore. The thought of that, ironically, almost hurts more.
D said to H "I'm sorry." He asked her "For what?" Her reply? "Because I know you'd rather be in X country instead of here with us." H didn't deny it. I think he didn't want to lie, but was caught off guard at what she said.
GRRRR I know I need to stop analyzing this. Thx for letting me vent.
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
if you have the time check out Smothy's thread(s). Her H has been playing her with these mixed signals for months. Better still you might want to look at Trains threads. I haven't seen them, but recommended by Wonka in a similar sitch.
I'll chase Wonka for you. She is bound to have some good advice here.
I have been through this not so long ago. Sure, at BD and for the next month I got these mixed signals - but recently (see my thread) I have had a very small taste of the conflict that the WAS must've been living with. And it is no wonder they are insane.
Nothing of what you hear, and 1/2 of what you see. Try to interpret this as it is what you take in, NOT what you consider them reliably projecting.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
It is crappy. The control thing is very hard. I like to be in control of my circumstances and that was an issue in our marriage. The last few years as health and job stuff caused our lives to spin out of control, the more controlling I became. Letting go and turning this over to God is a hard but good lesson.
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
I have been through this not so long ago. Sure, at BD and for the next month I got these mixed signals - but recently (see my thread) I have had a very small taste of the conflict that the WAS must've been living with. And it is no wonder they are insane.
H just called me, asking for a number to a therapist. Says he needs to talk to someone removed from this sitch. Hope soaring only to be smothered by paralyzing fear of end result & what therapy may reveal. Head spinning with thoughts this may lead H to final realization to leave me. Trying hard to ignore the negativity. This is a positive step, right?
Reminding myself to concentrate on me. No time right now, but anxiously awaiting later tonight so I can check out those threads!
Riding the crazy train.....
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
Hi Lost-sorry you find yourself here but the veterans are amazing.
I am not a veteran but advise that you not be too hasty in passing along a therapist's name and number to H before you do a bit or research! Maybe veterans can advise here on best screening processes.
I saw an IC for myself a few months after BD. I tried to find one who was experienced with MLC (midlife crisis issues) and was pro-marriage. I thought I found someone who fit the bill, but it was a lot of talk about the past. Also, although she said she was experienced with MLC she really was more versed in midlife transitions vs. full blown crisises.
I tried a divorce busting therapist soon after and the difference was amazing. Obviously there are great therapists everywhere but it really helped me to talk to someone whose bread and butter was MLC.
Just my 2 cents.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Wow. Thanks, HaWho. The number he wants is for a therapist my IC provided. But I don't know anything about the person. The C actually gave H the number and he just misplaced it. Sooo, I'm not in control of that either!
He found the card & already has the info and will be pursuing it. Wishing I had a divorce busting therapist right now!
SCARED out of my mind. Going to distract myself and breathe and think different thoughts.
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
