Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
Lost08 #2600798 08/23/15 04:49 PM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 140
L
Lost08 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 140
Ok. After all that verbal diarrhea, it's obvious to me I need to keep reading over and over the links provided. And finish DR.

Is it alright to keep writing here to let my crazy emotions out? I don't want to show H anymore of my desperation and pain.


M 43 H 48
M 19y T 20y
D 14
S 12
H returned home from out of country 8/8/15
BD 8/11/15
EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing
PA H denies
ILYBINILWY
Lost08 #2600801 08/23/15 05:01 PM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
It is always alright to vent here. So many of us truly know what you are going through.

*hugs*


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Di-mond #2600805 08/23/15 05:05 PM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 140
L
Lost08 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 140
TY Diana!


M 43 H 48
M 19y T 20y
D 14
S 12
H returned home from out of country 8/8/15
BD 8/11/15
EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing
PA H denies
ILYBINILWY
Lost08 #2600809 08/23/15 05:12 PM
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 1,952
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 1,952
It's always better to post here than to spill all that on H.

Here's the thing you need to realize. There are no shortcuts here. You can't rush change, because....well....change takes time. take your mind off of the clock, because your time isn't limited. He is going to make his own choices and all you ever had control of was you. So he's going to leave and make his own choices. So relax and take your focus off of "beating" the OW. Become the best version of you possible - you'll come out ahead either way.

Keep posting, Lost!

Azzork #2600823 08/23/15 05:38 PM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 140
L
Lost08 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 140
TY Azzork. Why is it so hard to do? Other than looking at his phone once the night of the BD, (which BTW was VERY painful) I haven't snooped, but, man, thoughts of the OW plague me. I'm gonna keep on truckin, though, and trying to face myself in the mirror and change. A few more questions:

We went together to a counselor for one session. It was non-productive. A lot of "how do you feel about that" and "do you want to say what you're feeling" in addition to more crying and anger and focus on the A by the counselor. She advised H to speak to a therapist alone since he hasn't ended the A and doesn't know which way he wants to go. She also gave him what can almost be seen as an ultimatum. She told him he must end the A in order to work on our M and while he didn't have to decide that minute, she advised him to make an intellectual decision very shortly, before he leaves. H says the whole thing was a waste of money since we've been talking very openly lately and everything the C brought up, he and I had already discussed. He said he feels we have a pretty solid relationship, but he can't deny part of him is with OW. I haven't spoken of the session since. Do I somehow bring it up and let him know I'm not holding him to a deadline to end the A? That he's on his own journey, his own timeline? Or, do I continue to ignore it and not bring it up?
Also, I always send H off when he leaves, either by driving him or just by getting up in the wee hours to say good-bye and see him off in the taxi to airport. For this next departure, I'm supposed to work my night shift at the hospital. Now, in my desperation, I want to cancel my shift and be there to send him off. There has never been a time I wasn't there. In light of my M breakdown, should I work and not bother to be here to send him off? Or is that callous? Plus, I fear it will drive me personally insane to not say good-bye.


M 43 H 48
M 19y T 20y
D 14
S 12
H returned home from out of country 8/8/15
BD 8/11/15
EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing
PA H denies
ILYBINILWY
Lost08 #2600839 08/23/15 06:28 PM
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 1,952
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 1,952
I agree that MC is kind of a waste if he's not committed to your M. I think it will only make him feel ganged up on. I wouldn't bring it up. Show him he's on his own timetable by not asking.

As for the airport, I wouldn't cancel your trip. It sounds like you want/hope for that last minute change of heart. I think you'll only end up disappointed. I'd say goodbye as you leave for your shift looking super hot.

And yes. Change is hard. Especially looking at yourself and picking at the parts you don't like. But you can do it.

mutatio #2600953 08/24/15 01:02 AM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
Lost,

you are in SHOCK! This is the 1st stage of this grieving. Slow down.You are running on adrenalin. Please don't expect so much of yourself. Do you have a support network of friends, family etc. They may not always give the best advice, but nonetheless are support. Have you read DB/DR? Do you have an IC?

there is NO magic bullet. anything I say that is honestly intended to help, might not even be heard. This is STILL what happens to me. It is not because I am not listening or don't want to hear - it is simply because my brain cannot make sense of particular advice, on the 1st time, 2nd time, 3rd time etc that I hear it.

The same will be true for you. But, have faith, in time it will make sense and likely you will kick yourself for not having "got it" sooner and saved yourself a bunch of misery. Take it easy on yourself. This is a long process, this grief. We are, and have all been victims of it. No matte what advice you ar given, your brain needs time to process everything that is happening.

Myself, I was a HUGE mess at BD. I lost 7-8 kg in 3 weeks, i was lucky to sleep for 1 hour per day and my blood pressure blew up my inner ear (I lost my hearing [luckily I got it back!]), I had to have surgery on my eye - I was screwed!

In damage control mode, the most important thing for you to do is relax. Obvious right. Spend 5 minutes on calming your mind. Close your eyes and breathe. Focus on your breath - don't try and change it - just focus. After a minute change your focus to the sounds within your room (or wherever - i was on the beach personally). After a minute shift your focus again to the sounds outside your room. After a minute, return your focus to your breath, your centre.

Also, exercise, walk etc. When you are anxious your ratios of CO2:O2 etc change your blood chemistry in such a way that is not helpful for further anxiety in particular. Exercise will restore this.

Its too early for us to address anything else specifically I think. I am happy to chat about these things if you want, but first - just calm yourself.

Dont worry about exercising Sandi's rules to the letter or GALing. We can do this when you calm down from the shock.

-Py


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Pyrite #2600969 08/24/15 01:46 AM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
Originally Posted By: Lost
Do I really want to detach if distance and detachment is what played a major role in the M breakdown? I'm worried the more I detach, I will be fanning the flames and pushing H through the door into OW arms.


The detaching now is different. A lot of us were "detached" in the M, leading to this, but this is different. You certainly do need to emotionally detach from this situation, and your anxiety shows that you are very much attached. Whatever your detachment was before, it was not the same as what you need to detach from now.

The more you detach from the situation, the more objectively you will be able to see it, the more control you will have about how you feel and respond, and importantly you will be able to react how you "choose" to and not out of anger/anxiety/fear etc. How you CHOOSE to will be dominated by your values etc. How you feel about the M. NOT by how detached you are.

Detachment in general is a big thing, and we can discuss this at length. For now just detach from the situation, sever the direct line between your heart rate and his phone buzzing.

Dont entertain your "worries" here about detachment. I have experienced them myself and seen dozens of others the same in the past few months and I am willing to guarantee you - this won't happen.

Grief goes around in circles and for months/years will continue to do so, and always changes direction and skips from one stage/element to another in seemingly random order. So no stage is ever completed and then you move onto the next. But, in general:

Shock
Accept
Detach
Forgive
Move on


and before you say "but i dont want to move on - i ant to move back". Going backwards is not an option. This doesn't exclude R - and it will become more clear as time passes. I know it is impossible but try to accept that you can't and don't need to answer all the questions that are racing through your mind. These will pass, and answers will come in time.


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Pyrite #2600980 08/24/15 03:02 AM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 140
L
Lost08 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 140
TY, Pyrite!
Reading about being in shock makes sense. I am shocked this happened. My M was the one constant in my life. The one and only thing that I never doubted. No matter what, I always believed we were going to grow old together, as a couple, having weathered the ups and downs of life. frown

I feel like a manic person. I don't really sleep & when I do, it's in spurts of 1 or 2 hours. I've be getting up at 4:30am. It must be pure adrenaline and I expect I'll crash hard. frown I'm also exercising like a mad woman which is so ironic. I haven't truly exercised in years. But the more intense the work-out, the better. I've been eyeing up a cross-fit place next to my D gymnastics because I feel such a need to burn off a lot of this excess energy/stress/anxiety/fear.

I HATE my lack of control over all of this. That it will be a long process. That it could take years. But I definitely don't want to go backwards. I desperately want to repair my M and have a stronger R, but, once again, HUGE fear that it will never happen and everything I did to contribute to this breakdown has damaged the M beyond any recovery.

I also HATE myself for my part in this. I go over and over all the little things I think I did or didn't do and loathe myself for it. And I don't even know if those things are what drove H away. Do I ask him?

I have only confided in one local friend and one long-distance friend, in addition to this message board. I do not have a strong support system and have decided not to tell my family just yet. The impending move and new job will also lessen the amount of people I interact with on a daily basis.

I'm in the middle of reading DR. Don't remember what IC stands for?

How do I sever that line between my heart and his actions or lack thereof, / phone, emails, etc? Dammit. Why am I so attached? Why am I not kicking him out of my life? I feel pathetic.

I'm trying to keep busy. Lord knows I have enough on my plate. I'm also heading for more medical tests to due to symptoms similar to ovarian cancer. MD thinks the results will be fine, but with my family history and symptoms just checking to be sure. So, my focus really is all over the place - kids, new job, old job which is trying to hold me for an extra 60 days, physical pain/medical tests, funeral, etc, etc, and now my broken M. In other words, busy with Life, right? But this damn A overrides everything. I'm trying to detach. Trying. Please keep replying to my posts. It helps so much to read what everyone writes. I am a hot mess.

Eternally grateful.


M 43 H 48
M 19y T 20y
D 14
S 12
H returned home from out of country 8/8/15
BD 8/11/15
EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing
PA H denies
ILYBINILWY
Azzork #2600982 08/24/15 03:08 AM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 140
L
Lost08 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 140
Thank you, Azzork! I wish I could leave for my shift looking super hot! But alas my lack of sleep and generic scrubs aren't really a great look Lol
Besides which, he's way too used to my 'work' look. Wouldn't even phase H.
BUT I can somehow pretend that I look super hot and try to go with that feeling.


M 43 H 48
M 19y T 20y
D 14
S 12
H returned home from out of country 8/8/15
BD 8/11/15
EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing
PA H denies
ILYBINILWY
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard