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Dawn70 #2600368 08/21/15 09:58 PM
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Thank you all for welcoming me. I am painfully aware I am 50% of the cause for this breakdown, but also painfully aware I cannot change the past. I wonder if it's even possible to repair this M and move forward or am I coming into this far too late? How do I figure that out?
I'm in the middle of reading DR and I've read Sandi's rules.
Do I really want to detach if distance and detachment is what played a major role in the M breakdown? I'm worried the more I detach, I will be fanning the flames and pushing H through the door into OW arms.


M 43 H 48
M 19y T 20y
D 14
S 12
H returned home from out of country 8/8/15
BD 8/11/15
EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing
PA H denies
ILYBINILWY
OhGreat #2600369 08/21/15 09:59 PM
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Lost08 Offline OP
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Thank you frown


M 43 H 48
M 19y T 20y
D 14
S 12
H returned home from out of country 8/8/15
BD 8/11/15
EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing
PA H denies
ILYBINILWY
ILYNOT #2600370 08/21/15 10:00 PM
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Lost08 Offline OP
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correct


M 43 H 48
M 19y T 20y
D 14
S 12
H returned home from out of country 8/8/15
BD 8/11/15
EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing
PA H denies
ILYBINILWY
Dawn70 #2600443 08/22/15 02:21 AM
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Lost08, I sorry that you are joining us, the people are great, the circumstances not. There are as many different stories as there are people here. The advice that seems to work is the same for the most part, detach, GAL and PMA.

I do not have any advise for you regarding you marriage but am glad that you chose to join us. There are some brilliant people here. Be well, be strong, your not alone.



“Character is destiny” Heraclitus
Dawn70 #2600452 08/22/15 02:42 AM
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Lost -
There is always hope until you're ready to be done with the relationship. Keep it alive, even in the darkest of times.

That said, there is no way to "work on your marriage" while he is in a relationship with someone else, in my opinion. That's why you need to focus on improving you first and foremost.

He won't want to come back to the same marriage. Be the change you want in your M.

Lost08 #2600453 08/22/15 02:48 AM
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Originally Posted By: Lost08
Thank you all for welcoming me. I am painfully aware I am 50% of the cause for this breakdown, but also painfully aware I cannot change the past. I wonder if it's even possible to repair this M and move forward or am I coming into this far too late? How do I figure that out?
I'm in the middle of reading DR and I've read Sandi's rules.
Do I really want to detach if distance and detachment is what played a major role in the M breakdown? I'm worried the more I detach, I will be fanning the flames and pushing H through the door into OW arms.

It's not too late. It's never too late until you decide to quit. Of course, there are no guarantees, but being here and following the advice will give you a fighting chance to save your M.

A note on detaching. It's a common misunderstanding about what is meant by detachment. It does not mean that you quit caring, quit loving, act cold, distant, etc. It means that you separate yourself from the emotional roller coaster that your H is on and refuse to ride along. You need to get to a point where you are not impacted by his choices, his words, his actions. You need to focus on yourself so that you are not continually riding the emotional ups and downs based on your H's life.

As far as strategy when dealing with this, I believe that after the BD, then going "dark", or at least down to min contact is the recommended advice. Especially when there is an OM or OW involved. It seems counter-intuitive, but your H has changed and your situation has changed. It does not matter if distance contributed to the breakdown of your M. Right now, your H needs to feel the losses that will be imposed by HIS choices, which means that he needs to know what it's going to be like without you in his life.

Some of the vets should be along soon to confirm, but I've done a lot of reading over the past few weeks, and this seems to be pretty consistent advice. Hang in there, and keep posting.


Me 47 W 42
T 24 yrs M 18 yrs
W living with OM
BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1)
BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out)
WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015.
Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
dwh15 #2600513 08/22/15 11:22 AM
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I woke up this morning and I'm falling apart. I can't seem to keep it together. I'm consumed with the need to snoop and fighting it every chance but it's exhausting me. I'm crying again. Thought I had enough of that. I'm paranoid every time he leaves the room or the house that's it's to call OW. I don't even know how to GAL. He's been my life for 20 years. Every time he's on the road, I've always felt like I was just going thru the motions of "life" waiting for him to return. As a working mom, my time is so limited, how can I go out and meet people, make friends? I don't even know how to do that anymore. Now, we're going out today to rent an apartment and I can't tell if it will be for just me and the children or all 4 of us. The plan is to sell our home. H wants a fresh start. OMG help me. I went to get dressed and I keep thinking about Sandi's rules and to look my best. But I barely have any clothes for that. Everything I own is old, ill-fitted. I always use to little money we have for clothes for the children and H. Knowing I probably don't even look good just started another crying round. I know I'm rambling. I'm an emotional mess and I HATE THIS. I've lost 9 lbs already in the last week and a half. I'm not going to be able to survive this


M 43 H 48
M 19y T 20y
D 14
S 12
H returned home from out of country 8/8/15
BD 8/11/15
EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing
PA H denies
ILYBINILWY
Lost08 #2600516 08/22/15 12:15 PM
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I am probably no help but I do understand how you feel. I hate this too. I want to snoop too. I'm having a hard time GAL too. I too thought I was done crying but I'm crying as I type this. All I can say is that one day we will be better. I don't know what that means right now but this can't last forever.

Me and w have 3 kids. I worked out of town alot too. This is worst feeling ever. I don't want to clean or do anything. My w just treats as if I'm not even here.

The kids had an event at school last night I took them because she was working late. When I got there I found out that she didn't pay fog my admission. How embarrassing. She had bought tickets for everyone including her mother. But not me.

I know what your going through. I've been going through it for 6 months with no end in sight.

Hang in there and I will try to do the same.


M:39
W:40
S:10
S:7
D:12
BD:3/5/15
Separate BR:3/5/15
W moved out with kids 1/3/16
tkdmme #2600520 08/22/15 12:30 PM
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Lost, I snooped for a long time. In hindsight it made matters worse. Eventually my wife found out and became more secretive. I am not a expert but snooping was worse then a waste of time. Be strong and live moment by moment.



“Character is destiny” Heraclitus
Azzork #2600793 08/23/15 04:11 PM
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Lost08 Offline OP
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I keep coming back here to write because I don't know what else to do. And I'm so grateful for the replies posted. I feel completely helpless and hopeless. Paralyzed. I'm reading the advice and, on an intellectual level, I understand I need to make changes, GAL, have a PMA. And I am trying. Really. But it seems all I can focus on is the fact that my time is limited. Please bear with me. My thoughts are all over the place.
I know I cannot be impatient with change, but how do I avoid that when H returns to the other country in less than 4 weeks? Even if I'm able to make small, baby steps of positive change that improve our R, the foundation will be so fragile and off H goes to spend 6 weeks or more with this new "Love" on a daily basis. H only met and fell for the OW over the course of the initial 6 weeks of his trip. I'm convinced more time together will only deepen their bond. He swears they have only kissed. It sounds like more of an EA. But kissing makes it a PA and if I'm only to believe half of what he says, then perhaps they have even more of a physical involvement. When H leaves, it will be as if I've gone "dark" by H choice and H will be free to live a new carefree, exciting life. Really-what will he be missing? What does he have to lose?
Then my thoughts swing wildly to "How can we ever have an intimate M again?" Ever?! In the future, if there ever is to be a future R, how will H ever be physically attracted to me again? I could never compare to a new, exciting woman. That initial spark/passion. Again, the hopeless feelings.
Due to other circumstances, we are signing a lease today to temporarily rent an apartment, with the long term goal to sell our home and purchase a new one in the same town as the apartment. How neatly this all falls into place for tying up loose ends for H. The fear is overwhelming that I am unwittingly going along a path that conveniently lends itself to the eventual dissolution of our M, our life. But I cannot refuse these changes for they place my children in a better place, a better school district. I am sick to my stomach all the time. H keeps talking about these changes in a positive way, as a fresh start. I believe only half of what he says - my mind only hears and sees how it will be more freeing for H.
We're talking and doing things together as a family and sleeping in the same bed, but the lack of any physical connection, the feeling of being like a friendly neighbor or roommate is killing me. It's like fresh little spears piercing my soul over and over again. This is so unbelievably hard. I want to focus on myself because I believe all of the advice is true. I'm also so afraid to follow the advice. Sh**. I'm afraid of everything now. Everything I do and say. Always wondering if this is all for naught. Oh crap. I want off this roller coaster. This is all my crap. I don't even think he's on a roller coaster. I suspect H loves me in a way you do a close friend you've known for years but is ready to move forward with this "romantic" connection. Maybe I should look for my own connection with someone new and not try so hard to fight this?
Just to add to the stress, I start a new job in a week, my children start new schools in a new town in 2 weeks and my co-worker died last night. So off to a funeral I go. I'm not having any fun....


M 43 H 48
M 19y T 20y
D 14
S 12
H returned home from out of country 8/8/15
BD 8/11/15
EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing
PA H denies
ILYBINILWY
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