This is my first post and I have to admit I'm feeling nervous. But also desperate for help. We have been M 19y T 20y. 2 children 14y, 12y. I am 43, H 48. I work in the medical field, M-F in addition to alternating night shift weekends. H works for the military and travels out of the country extensively (for the past 12 years.) 90% of the people he works with, who travel with him, have affairs, second families or leave their American family for a new love.
H was always open with me regarding this and critical of other men who abandoned their families. Well, it's obvious where I'm going with this story. H left at the end of June, kisses and love. He's now returned to tell me he's been unhappy for a very long time, maybe even years, and has fallen in love with a woman in this other country who works with him full-time.
He states he wasn't looking for it, it just happened and this feeling is something he can't describe, it's amazing and he doesn't want to give it up. He says things aren't like they used to be with us and something is missing. He found that something with the OW. He says he loves me, but he doesn't want our life anymore. He also agreed to try to work on our marriage, but says he really doubts anything will help. He will be going on the road again in 4 weeks, returning to OW, and he refuses to stop communicating with her in the meantime. They text and email daily. I don't see how to work on my M if he is continuously consumed with thoughts of this amazing new feeling and OW. I'm so hurt and so lost.
I still love him tremendously and I'm desperate to save my marriage. Can anyone give me hope?
Last edited by Cadet; 08/21/1502:09 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
sorry you are here. looks like I have the honours of being the first post.
so - read Cadets linked threads.
Bottom line is DBing for us LBSs (see acronyms thread) is about growth. Whatever, and I do mean whatever, the circumstances of your M breakdown were, YOU were involved. And guess what else - you probably owned 50% of it. So, can you fix your H's 50%, hell no. Can you say to him come on darling lets R and fix this between us. [censored] no.
It has hit the fan darlin;. ALL of us are there or have been there. Different posters from different perspectives. And so HERE is a really good place to be. I am just a reckless poster in aa far off timezone - but keep posting - veterans will chime in. Cadet, MrBond, Wonk, 25, Sandi etc. They have literally (in the old fashioned sense) seen thousands of marriage breakdowns.
I can hear MrBond and Sandi coming - so I will make way. read the links. Dont be sacred off by criticism. this is about YOU. the one typing. stick with it and rewarded. it sounds like an advertisement I know, but I have personally my life to be gracious for - and it has been thanks to the people here. Sorry, but welcome anyway.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Welcome to hell. Population = lots of amazing people. Some of the best you'll ever "meet". You're going to get a lot of great advice and support here, but start with everything Cadet sent you. That's the foundation.
Sorry you're going through this with us, but post a lot, listen to the advice you get and buckle down for the long haul.
Sending you a hug,
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
You asked if anyone can give you hope. The short answer is YES! Along with an enormous amount of hope comes support, suggestions and reality checks.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Sorry you are here, but definitely read every thing Cadet has provided. And after you've read all of it many times over, go buy the Divorce Busting book. And read it. The next few weeks will be trying, but follow Sandi's rules.
Me - Mid 40's W - Mid 40's Married 20 No kids BD - 7/2015 ILYB... Moved out 2 days later Suspect EA
I am sorry you are going through this, but you are in the right place. Read the books and read and re-read other people's stories, you will find some direction and support.
Sorry you find yourself here, but welcome. There are amazing folks here who are kind, supportive and full of wonderful, sage and extremely useful advice. They have been a true Godsend to me as I know they have to many others. Good luck!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
