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link to last thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2571971#Post2571971

so cadet gave me the gentle 100 post nudge that it was time to start a new thread. (BTW Cadet - Thank you for all you do on here)

The last thread lasted nearly 3 months which is a long way from the 3-4 days when i first got here.

as always thanks to everyone who reads this and offers support wherever its on the forum. Particularly thank you to the loyal band of folks who have stuck with me for so long.

Quick stock take of where i am:
BD was nearly a year ago and my XW has been unwavering since in that she had to leave because of how 'awful i was to live with'

Some of her criticism was fair, some not, a lot was to do with my reactions and insecurities (read NMMNG or WAFV,MAFM and you'll get a good description). I've been seeing an IC regularly in part to process the grief and in part to explore some of my attitudes and beliefs about myself. Although I can see where a lot of it was due to the dynamic, my parts were wrong and I never want to repeat that.

throughout there has been OM1 on the scene, XW and he are now living together and he gets on well with my kids. They like him and talk about him. XW seem happier now than she has done in years.

Communication between us is almost purely functional and some aspects still grate a little - I sorted out an inaccurate childcare bill which saved us both money and she didnt even acknowledge it for example.

As for me, well im fitter than i've been in years. Im probably more relaxed than i have been in years - Im certainly better rested than i have been since the kids were born. I'm working on social GAL but need to improve this a bit and i'm doing a better job of connecting with my family.

I have asked XW if I can meet OM. I said that D4 had said something, she asked if its a problem to which i said 'of course not, its your life. Congratulations'.

I explained that i wanted to meet him as he has such a big involvement in the kids life and I would prefer the first time i see him isn't in front of them. She questioned this and got a bit defensive until I asked her to imagine if it was the other way round.

There was slightly more conversation where her face lit up as she talked about OM with S2. I said something like 'he seems good with the kids and they seem to like him, and he makes you happy. which is all good. I'm glad it worked out as you wanted it to'

I will probably file for divorce in the near future, although i was going to wait to the 2 year mark (due to UK law) i increasingly feel like I want it done so I can properly move on with my life.

I love her, always will, but its time for me to be done with this and commit fully to the second best scenario because from here what i thought was the best looks pretty Cr@ppy.

have a good evening folks smile


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Hi Jm. As always you did fantastic and your maturity is to be admired. Your doing the best you can in very difficult circumstances

The GAL will come when it's ready. What do you like to do ? Anything you want try ?

If your moving on what does that look like in your minds eye

Take care mate. Your doing great. Rd

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Hey neighbour! I agree with RD that you are doing so well, and I think you are handling the sitch WRT OM with maturity and compassion. I applaud you because that is not easy by any means.

I know what you are saying about your W seeming happier than she has in years. But I still say - you know the stats when it comes to A's becoming successful R's long term. Your W and OM would be in a minority group for sure if that happens.

I understand what you say about feeling it may be time to file. You're from my cohort Jim, and for many of us that time has arrived in different ways. It is such a personal thing and there is no right answer - only when the time feels right for you.

I'm glad you are continuing with the IC, and I know the GAL plans will come together too. It takes gentle persistence I think, and extending yourself just a little further. Please always remember how very far you have come already and that who you become as a result of these difficult times is the most important thing here.

I can tell you one thing Jim. If you and your W don't reconcile, some other lucky lady is going to think she has won the lottery at some point in the future. She doesn't know who she is yet - but she's out there somewhere. All will unfold in time.

Take care my friend xx

Last edited by Sotto; 08/20/15 07:49 PM.

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I think we all just follow Sotto (Toots) around and agree with her, but she is so dead-on right all the time. smile I'm so glad you are doing IC and you seem to be really dealing with everything to take care of yourself.

Sotto is right...if you and W don't reconcile, some super lucky lady is waiting out there for you somewhere and you will both be abundantly blessed when you find each other.

Continued prayers and positive thoughts for you, my friend. smile


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Hi all.

Just posting some movement in my situation. My XW sent me a text this evening saying she has filed for D citing my unreasonable behaviour.

I've asked her to consider divorce on the grounds of her relationship with OM1. She refused saying he had nothing to do with it and that happened after we broke up.

I sent this as a response, but haven't had and don't expect any kind of response from her.

Whilst I will never know the details, nor do I wish to, it is simply untrue to say that. We both know that OM1, and your pursuit of OM1 played a significant part in both the timing of our break up and your refusal to work on fixing our marriage.

I will never deny you were unhappy, nor will I deny that I could have been a much better husband, because if nothing else I have been taught valuable lessons over the last year. Including how normal and resolvable our problems were.

Whilst I'm obviously disappointed by how things turned out, I have never tried to stand in the way of your happiness, and will not start now.

I would be grateful if you would reconsider my request to use different grounds but can understand why you would prefer not.


When the papers come I will submit a statement saying that I don't accept her grounds but due to her ongoing relationship with OM1 I have no wish to contest the divorce. This was the strategy I agreed with my solicitor back at Christmas time.

Anyway they (XW and OM1) are now off on a family holiday with the kids for a week so I won't get to see or speak to them for another 9 days.

Last edited by jim0987; 08/29/15 01:20 AM.

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I am just following in everyone else's steps and agreeing.

If L gives you that strategy then it's the best you have.


((((((Hugs))))))

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 08/29/15 01:57 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
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Hey Jim, I'm sorry to hear that. I think your reply to your W was fine, and I think your strategy is a sensible one. Yes, there is no need to accept the grounds as such - and no need to contest them either. My L told me that the avenue of contesting is a costly one and why go there.

It would be best if your W were able to be more collaborative and 'agree' the unreasonable behavior grounds. But she may well not be in that place just now. In my case I received a draft and we would have been able to comment on the wording if I so wished. I'm not sure if that is routine or whether it is because we both have collaborative L's. In any case, I was grateful for that and it has spared me some further hurt.

One good thing about this for you Jim, is that you don't have to make a decision about filing for D. It has been done for you, and in my sitch I have found some peace in that.

I hope that your W will get to a place where she owns her part in the demise of your M, and your relationship mellows. But that may not happen soon and one thing I have learned is that the main thing here is who you are becoming/have become as a result of this difficult time. That is the determining factor in how rich and full your life will be going forwards.

Just a thought - but did you ever have a look at the Divorce Recovery Workshops at all? There are a number of groups in the Midlands. Plus there's a weekend workshop in early November? It could be support and GAL rolled into one perhaps?

Do you have the kids this weekend Jim? Or some nice GAL plans?? I'm sending a big hug to you my friend....your wisdom and gentle challenges have helped me a great deal on this forum.

(((((((((((((((Jim)))))))))))) xx


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Hi Jim. Sorry to hear this turn of events but I have a couple of thoughts

Your text was great , controlled , short and to the point. Your W is moving on in her mind and you are still the cause of all her woes. We have all seen that a person can only be happy if they are happy with themselves first. It appears your W is trying to find happiness throigh someone else and that is a recipe for failure

Your stance on the D is perfect while keeping true to yourself.

It's said often Jim but D is only a piece of paper and none of us know what the future holds.

I hope you have plans this weekend and you can keep busy. If you don't mind could you update us on your thoughts a bit more often for a few days if that's ok

It's a tough time Jim and with the kids gone it doesn't make it easier.

Take care mate. Rd

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Jim, I'm sorry I skipped the bit about the kids being away. Need to slow down with my reading there...Yes as RD said. Do keep posting and we'll keep an eye on the forum and be there with you in coming days.

Take care xx


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((((((Hugs- very very big ones))))))


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Thanks for the posts. I'm OK.

Im a bit annoyed that she sent a text just as she disappears for a week because I would have liked a bit more courtesy than that but its not a big deal and in honesty is an emotional response because I'm hurt by this.

I was debating filing anyway so kind of wished I had so that the D was on my terms but controlling that doesn't change the reality of what it is - I've been replaced.

XW has held me in contempt for years and resentment just built on both sides. we never found a way to talk about it so in the end this was inevitable and she's right in so much as she wanted out anyway.

I will always wonder how something so good got so bad and have to try and process that in a constructive way.

I wanted kids WITH her, so I do hate this and I hate that there is someone else in my role with them - but he is trying to be good with them which is in reality the best I could hope for.

So yes feeling down but only because I'm reminded how far my XW has moved from me and the damage that did to my family.

GAL wise, well with the exception of tomorrow, I have different social plans everyday from last night to next Thursday. So hopefully keeping myself distracted.

Thanks for your concern and I'll post a bit more than of late.


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Hi Jim. Your entitled to feel the way you do. For me , you have acted with incredible control and with great maturity I admire how you deal with things and while it's no consolation now , in the future your children will be very proud of you.

Life is strange and full of twists and turns. I do believe people like yourself will be very happy again one day It's all about the journey and don't be surprised if the journey takes lots more twists yet

Stay strong mate , you deserve so much more. Rd. xx. ( I know , I know )

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Most importantly (((((((jim))))))) along with wags and licks from Molly.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this and that, to make it worse, your kids are away from you for an extended time. It makes for an all-around unpleasant time for you I'm sure. Everyone before me has offered up all the advice (and then some) that I could've mustered, but I will say, from my own experience, it gets better with time.

You are a very strong person, jim, and in the time you have been here you have shown so much growth and you have dealt with everything that was thrown at you with the grace and maturity and strength that few of us find in this world. You are a good guy and you deserve to be happy. One day, you will find your happy again and we will all celebrate with you.

Hang in there, my friend. Molly and I are always praying for you! (As much as I assume any dog can pray, lol, but when I say my prayers at night, I always make sure to hold her paw or put my hand on her somewhere and say them out loud so that she is included in them. wink Lord, now I sound like a crazy dog lady! Let that little picture make you smile today.)


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Hi Jim, I'm back home again and just checking in on you. I agree with RD, of course you feel the way you do. It's not nice feeling that way, but it is perfectly understandable and healthy too. We have all suffered (and are suffering) important losses in our lives and that is painful. We get through it as best we can, and hope to lay good foundations for a full, happy and authentic life going forwards.

I understand what you say about - perhaps I should have filed then I would have some control. Something that has helped me is to just stop any resistance to what is happening. To absolutely accept that my H is divorcing me. To respect this is what he wants to do. To wish him well (that one sticks a little.....it's a work in progress...)

You told your W how you felt and there was a little truth dart in there. That's fine, and I would leave it now. It is what it is. And focus on the guy you want to be during this legal process, so that 2,3,5 years down the line, you are happy with Jim and how he handled things during a tough time.

Do you have any GAL plans tonight?? I'm a bit exhausted and will be having dinner on the couch & maybe watch a bit of TV. hope you have a nice evening, whatever you are up to. I'll check in later to see if you're posting. Take care xx


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Its a very nice thing to check in when things like this have happened and see supportive posts from people who have their own troubles, so thank you.

Yes, I'm off for dinner with my old next door neighbours tonight. It's strange that when we lived next door we didn't really socialise and I'm not sure my XW ever really spoke to them. Since BD I've started to build a decent friendship with them.

one of my oldest and closest friends came to stay last night which was good and a lucky coincidence. It also made me reflect that I'm lucky to have people like that in my life.

The D papers will hurt but I'm interested to know what she says. I don't think it will make pleasant reading and even though I will likely disagree, its how she feels and nothing I could ever say wi change her view. Strangely knowing that the woman I love and chose to spend my life with thinks that of me is one of the hardest things to take.

And I carry enormous fear that 'what if she's right about me?'

I can tell myself I'll be happy, I can see all the bad stuff that was in our marriage, and I can be confident that all of it is as much about her. But right now I'm still grieving for the loss of the life and dream that I wanted which only XW could fulfil.

more than anything though, I miss my kids.

Sorry It's all a bit melancholy from me, but I'm sure of anyone you have the best chance of understanding.

I am ok though and will hopefully be able to relax and enjoy dinner tonight.


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"And I carry enormous fear that 'what if she's right about me?"

That's a gremlin on your shoulder Jim - I'll flick him off for you!! I've been around on this forum long enough and can tell you right now that she isn't right about you! She is continuing to have an A and is probably in part demonising you to avoid facing other difficult feelings. Feelings like - I broke up my family, what kind of mother does that make me, etc..You, like so many of us have made mistakes in our M's and now we are trying to own them and move forwards.

When we are talking about 'unreasonable behaviour' there is the major stuff - alcoholism, abuse, infidelity, gambling, out of control spending etc. Stuff that can really bring a R and a family to it's knees.

Then there is the other stuff - not managing to meet emotional needs, getting distracted by kids, work, not prioritising the R enough etc.

From what you describe, your 'owned' things are very much in the 'other' stuff. And you were the husband you were using the tools you had at the time. You are worthy of love Jim. Either from your W or from another lucky woman going forward.

Enjoy your dinner out smile

Last edited by Sotto; 08/29/15 06:34 PM.

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Hi Jim. Ditto Sotto !! Your W isn't right and that's a fact. I have no idea if she even believes what she's saying but either way she's wrong. I have been on here quite a while and you have more than owned your stuff.

Your W feels the way she does and that's that. You don't have to own anything more than the truth. I see a lot of guys on here and we all have to accept we weren't the Hs we should have been but we also weren't monsters

I have no doubt you will find love again Your W will most likely be unhappy once this A reaches it timeline I do appreciate this might not be positive thinking on my part but so what.


Enjoy your evening and take care Rd. ( no kisses this time but a huge manly hug )

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Jim

Last Xmas when you took the kids to London to see the gorgeous beautiful Xmas trees, I thought if that was my son I would be so thrilled.

When you went to Paris,(and tried wine) I thought if that was my 'bruv' I would be delighted.

Today I think Jim is my friend, and I absolutely think the world of him, and actually I want the most wonderful and amazing gifts for my friend.

V


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Hi Jim, just checking in to say good morning! I hope you enjoyed your dinner out with old neighbours last night. It's funny (and good) that after BD we do seem to pick up new friends from reaching out and extending a bit further.

It's a bit grey and dull here. Do you have some GAL plans for today my friend?

xx


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Morning Sotto. Thanks for checking in.

There was a group of us and Dinner turned into a Saturday night out and I got in about 0300. Was good fun though.

During the course of the evening I discovered that the rumour among parents at my kids nursery is that my XW kicked me out because I cheated on her. I can't say I was impressed when I found this out but people will believe what they want to. They also said they can all see how happy my XW is in her new life which I have to say stung a bit.

Still I made sure I put people straight about me not cheating (even though they didn't believe it anyway) and said that while I don't agree with her choices I hope she's happy because that's better for our kids.

So limited GAL plans today. If it stays dry I'll get out on my bike, sort some stuff round the house etc. Not the most thrilling but not bad either.


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V, RD and Sotto

Thank you for your kind words. They are comforting to me.

My XW genuinely seems to believe she is the victim of abuse perpetrated by me and she has repeatedly described me as 'abusive'.

That hurts and worries me even if I don't think it's fair, because her feeling it's true is as valid as mine that it's not.

And the crux is that I know at times I didn't support her as she needed me to and that at times I sulked rather than acting with more confidence and integrity.

I can work on it for the future but can't undo what's done.


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Well, that was a late night!!! Good for you, and glad you had a good time. I'm not surprised about people making the assumption you were unfaithful. The stats show that men do cheat more than women (tho women are catching up I think) - tho if OM1 is on the scene at nursery, people will also think she has become involved with someone else pretty quickly.

I think it is fair enough to put people straight on your own fidelity, without revealing the cause of your break up. As for your W firmly believing she was the victim of abuse. I get that she is holding on to that one pretty tightly. For if she lets go of that, what does she need to face? I am a woman that broke up my family and became involved with an OP...

Hope you're not too tired this morning and you have a good bike ride if that's what you plump for.

Catch up later xx

Last edited by Sotto; 08/30/15 09:52 AM.

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Jim

Of course another's reality and belief is their choice, but that doesn't mean it's true!

We can validate their feelings and thoughts but not agree. My WH says I am abusive etc, that is his choice of reality, doesn't make it so.

How often do the victims of crime miss the obvious and identify the wrong perpetrator.

V


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Hi Jim you would think if your W believed you were abusive then she would have said that and not you were unfaithful !!!

Glad you put them straight mate and sounds like you had a blast


Take care. Rd

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Hi Jim - don't think I've posted on your thread before but I do always read it. I'm sorry for what's happened and send you my best wishes.

I also think it is very insensitive of these friends to tell you XW looks happy now. It seems she made herself out to be the victim in all of this and now may be still playing the part. It's still the honeymoon period.

Take care.


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Morning Jim, hope you had a good day yesterday. Looks like it's going to be a rainy one today - no bike rides for you I'm guessing!

I agree with Stacey - one does tend to look happy when one is dosed up on a mix of 'in love' chemicals. However, we all know the trajectory that A's with foundations of lies and deceit take. I read about a piece of research recently on male A's. Of around 4000 high achieving males who had As, just 3% of those led to M, of which 75% failed. Fact is these Rs tend to be doomed. Sadly your W and many other APs don't realise that yet.

Yes, it's possible that your W's A may be one of the tiny number that makes it. And I think many of us feel the same way about A's in our sitches. I guess time will tell - and your sitch is similar to mine right now. What I ask myself is - would I actually be doing anything differently right now if I chose to completely give up on a possible R? Not really - not ready for dating and best just to focus on healing, space and distance, my life, and being generally pleasant, brief but cooperative...with an open mind about what may unfold in my future.

I'm volunteering at the bookstore today. It's a nice plan for a rainy bank holiday. Hope you have some nice plans today too Jim xx

Last edited by Sotto; 08/31/15 06:51 AM.

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Good morning.

Well another late night last night. Met up with a friend to celebrate some very good news he just received. Didn't do too much yesterday as I was really tired and its a bit too rainy today for a bike ride.

V, I think I've said before but in the ge days after BD I bought her narrative hook,line and sinker. I could only do that because I could see the ways in which my conduct was a long way short of what I would want. I can make all the rationalisation about how it was reactive to the constant rejection and shame I felt buy doesn't change the bits I don't like. I don't think it was abusive but can see how she could say it was.

Sotto, yes she is holding it pretty tightly. She knows I know she is lying about OM1 but actually I don't think it's me she is lying to anymore.

Oh and from anecdotal experience I don't believe those cheating stats when talking about long term relationships. I now know personally of more than 20 marriages/very long relationships that have ended and involved a 3rd party but its about 4:1 where its the woman that cheated.

RD, I don't think she said I'm unfaithful, she has told many people in abusive. I think it's more the conclusion people have jumped to. I've corrected them and given for over a month OM1 has been helping XW to collect the kids I think most people probably have a better idea of what really happened. If asked I say that she left me for OM1.

Stacey, hi and thanks for posting. Welcome. I always wonder who reads and doesn't post. I know I read many more threads than I post on. My friend who was saying that was very drunk at the time in it was in the context of a different discussion. He did also say that happiness won't last and talked about limerence. Still wasn't great to hear though.

In a lot of ways I hope my XWs R is one of the few that defies the odds. The longer it goes on the more attached my kids get and I don't want them hurt anymore than they have been. I'm glad that I don't have to look at D4 when she gets upset by this and know I chose this - because I didn't and still wouldn't chose this.

Thanks again for posting.


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It's odd Jim but from my personal checklist, I know more male than female cheaters.

It's like a doctor saying that everyone is ill, all he sees are sick people.

I have more female friends and acquaintances than ale, plus I go to places where I am likely to meet women who are single. And anyway the things I am told may be biased.

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You know ok Jim?

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In all honesty V. no, but that's OK.

So I had 9 days without my kids which was pretty horrible, especially if anyone saw the UK news coverage this week. My little boy is about the same age.

I've had 24hrs with them and I was really happy to see them and they seemed happy to see me.

XW bought OM1 to both exchanges, so I've met him (apparently my request to meet him away from the kids was ignored).

On the first exchange I was really positive and chatty, today less so to the extent XW asked what's up and I said 'nothing out of the ordinary'

In my exchange with OM, I was friendly. Told him we will never have a problem as long as he is good to my kids and I said that I would like to go for a drink with him because I know nothing about him yet he is a big part of my kids life. I also said I understand if he finds that too weird.

Like I said, today I was less friendly but I think that's because XW seemed much more relaxed and its clear that she and OM are happy together.

Just one last thing, after all the times XW told me I'm not tall enough, how the hell is OM1 shorter than me?????

I'm a bit grumpy today but off out tonight so I'll cheer up.

Take care all.


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Hi Jim, yes I agree about the news coverage. I don't watch/read the news - only listen on the radio, but people have been so moved by the picture of that little boy. It's so sad to think of these people who are so desperate. We have a new appeal at the charity bookstore and received many donations yesterday.

It must have been hard to have nine days without your kids. I hope they had a good trip though & good to have them with you again.....plus it's a lovely afternoon too!! I hope you have some nice plans.

I can see that OM and W may have felt more at ease with a 'general' meetup. He may have felt somewhat 'put on the spot' perhaps with a 1-1 meet up. I imagine he may also feel that way about a drink, so if he doesn't initiate on that one, you may just want to let it go. As you say, as long as things are good for the kids, that's the main thing. Doesn't really matter if you don't like him much. I don't think I shall ever grow to like OW!!

I'm not surprised you've been feeling low. There's been a lot of movement in your sitch recently...and like mine...not in a good way. But this too shall pass. You and I will travel this road towards D together and we'll get through it. Knowing Pink has already made it to the other side has helped me.

Incidentally, I'm just back from lunch with my parents and my Dad told me that his builder (who is M to Dad's cleaner) is M for the 6th time! They have been M 10 years or so and I always presumed it was their only M. I don't think I would M someone who was M for the 6th time!!

Now then Jim, it sounds like you need a little energy injection into GAL to give you a boost. Do you have any plans in this area? Autumn courses? Social groups? Support group? etc etc...Hopefully you will make some nice plans for yourself.

Have a great day with your kids Jim & take care my friend xx

Last edited by Sotto; 09/06/15 01:34 PM.

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Hi. Jim. Can I firstly say you a bit of a hero of mine I could never be a mature as you and deal with a sitch like that I envy your control and although you tell us how hard it is you still manage.

Your W may be happy and may be not but either way how is she going to appear with you in that situation ?

Please take time to reflect on how strong you are Jim It may not seem like it being so close to the coal face but you really are In your kids eyes you are their Dad and rock.

Enjoy your evening and take care of Jim.

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I'm SO saving your post about meeting OM when I have to meet my XH's OW face to face in a few weeks. I can learn something from you, because as much as I don't want to be ugly or bitter, I really want to tell her off. You handled it beautifully, sir and I applaud you for that.

Hang in there, Jim and know that Molly and I are always sending positive thoughts and prayers (and wags and licks from Molly) your way. smile


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Cheers Guys. The support is much appreciated.

Can't say I feel much like a 'hero' though RD. Just trying really hard not to be bitter about it. She would almost certainly still say i'm being mean and abusive.

The resentment is still there but I really want to let it go. It stems from the effort she puts in with OM1 and the loneliness I feel now compared to the happiness I see in her. This resentment and the fact I was handing my kids back were among the reasons I was in a bad mood when they collected the kids yesterday. The fact it was 'They' is another one, now I've met him its apparent OM1 is now going to be a routine feature of our handovers.

They had all the stuff in the car for another family trip out somewhere and I'll again be honest and say I'm jealous of this. That's my family!! frown

Stupid stuff still bothers me. For example, I made sure she had regular contact with the kids when I took them on holiday but when she took them, I had to chase her. She asked for some things 'back' that she left behind when she moved out but the 'back' implies I took them. And then she made some comment about having to swap the kids clothes around between houses and it felt like there were some little insinuations within the way she phrased things. This is my issue to own because I feel the criticism in what she says whether its actually there or not (although to be honest I have no clue what she is talking about and said as much).

I did keep my focus on the kids as much as I could and although I acknowledged OM1, we didn't speak at the 2nd handover. I'm being polite but I suspect my XW probably feels a lot of hatred coming from me because I know its there so I need to work on that some more.

One of the other strange things is that even though she chose OM1 over me, so in the only scorecard that matters he wins, I felt completely unthreatened by him which is oddly unusual for me. I still cant figure out that he is shorter than me (and my XW) though - seriously my XW complained several times that I'm not tall enough.


Antiversary Reflections

So its a bit of a lengthy post but the other thing to say is that today marks the 1 year anniversary of BD, and so I'm just going to summarise a few of the things I've learnt in the last year (even if im still working on accepting them):

- It was never about OM1. Yes he was the catalyst and why she left when she did, but she was already looking for her way out.

- I did plenty wrong in our relationship which meant my XW didnt feel supported. Not because I didn't support her but she didn't feel I did, because I let me own fears, hurts and resentments get in the way

- I'd let my independent life slip too far, I was over invested in the relationship which added to an unhealthy pressure

- I need to talk to people more about how I feel, particularly people I love when there is a hurt there. either that or let the hurt go. Holding onto the hurt but not addressing it only causes more problems

- My hurts are legitimate and although I didn't handle them well and some are about my perception, that doesn't mean they weren't valid feelings. As much as my XW says I wasn't there for her, I also felt near constant rejection from her toward me for around 4 years.

- Even if I had been the best husband in history, we still might have ended up here because a lot of my XW's pain wasn't about me.

- I can only control myself and with that I can choose how I react, how i interpret things and how I process my feelings. While I can choose how I feel, I can choose to always try and act in the way I would want the best version of me to act. (this is a LOT easier said than done)

- My kids mean the world to me and no matter what horrible feelings and pain may have come from all this I will forever be grateful to my XW for giving me two of the most beautiful gifts anyone could wish for. I can never regret my time with her because without it, I wouldn't have them.

- Sometimes a hug and a compassionate ear are the only fix that is needed.

- I'm alright.


So where am I now? well I still love my XW and on some levels still want to reconcile. But can see that there is no prospect for this in part because of her attitude towards me, in part because of the hurts and betrayals that have gone on which means I cant see how trust could ever be restored, in part because who wants to be the fallback plan if OM1 doesn't work out - I'd like to have more self respect than that. But most importantly because she doesn't want to because in truth my XW hasn't felt any love toward me for a very long time.

What all of this means (and I know I've said this for some time but its work in progress) is that I need to accept that it was it is and do my best to work toward what I have always described as the second best option - I find a way to forge a productive coparenting relationship with my XW and take what I've learnt from this horrible experience and use it to forge a better relationship with someone else in the future.

Its the end of spectacularly awful year, which also means its the start of a new one full of opportunity - even if it does start with receiving divorce papers.

Thanks for your continued support. ((((everyone))))


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Hi Jim. Hero is the correct term because I truly admire the insight you have into yourself and your ability to own your feelings and how you control your emotions for the sake of your kids

Your completely fright that OM means nothing in any of this and W was going to do what she did in some way From what you say I doont see your W finding true happiness from this R because she has yet to do the work on herself OM might seem like the answer now but time will tell.

It's really hard but I wouldn't even attempt to give comparisons between yourself and OM headspace. Your W was looking for a way out and anyone would have fitted the bill

Your loneliness is a difficult one. As you know I have my 4 kids at home and plenty of animals and housework to do but I still find I feel lonely for wha t EXW and I had re the connection and being able to share thoughts and our lives I suppose time and thinking of the positive is the way to go even though it's much easier to say than do

Beautiful words re the gift your kids are And if W and you never get along again then your right , look at what she gave you.

Re your W and reconciliation , that's a long road Jim and I would never say never , yes there is a lot of trust issues and the like but you knew problems existed in the M and while I'm not making excuses for your W , circumstances can make people act out of character and once on a slope then it can become slippery very quickly

I don't think your W feels no love for you but I do think she has covered it over fairly comprehensively with resentment and blame Maybe she will never be able to uncover it but I do believe it's there Time is a great force in these matters and the universe can work in strange ways Most of us never expected to be here so who knows where we will be in a few years from now

Jim. Your a young man and have a lot of living left to do. Your talk re bringing so much more to a new R is very healthy and positive

A new year and let's see what it brings

Positive thoughts heading your way

Take care. Rd

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Happy Antiversary Jim smile

I'm in a hotel and wifi may expire soon....I'll be brief. Lots of wise words already from RD.

I agree about your W's love for you. My guess - it's in there somewhere and who knows what the future holds if you choose patience and lots of it.

Please don't presume everlasting happiness with OM and give up. R's which started as A's are pretty much doomed from the start. IT takes time, but most don't make the transition into deep and loving R's. Do bear that in mind, when you post how happy they are. There's an element of fantasy going on for them there, for sure and that can only last so long my friend.

Other than that, there's some good introspection above there & good for you. As for the height thing......SMH - that's pure WAS script....I don't like X about you, then OM is X....

Take care Jim xx


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As usual I agree with Sotto and RD.

This is really tough stuff, really and truly it is. You have every right to go and scream and thump a punchball. Go let it out!

Sadly I think WW may have her work cut out for her, it's quite something to take on a wayward with two children and play happy families.

I like the way you handled it, it takes the gloat from OM completely. And you are an adult to all, mature in your handling. This may very well backfire on WW if she has presented you to OM1 as abusive, if he sees mature Jim, what does that say? It says me next.....

I think there is a price to pay, and WW isn't yet aware of it. WW won't want you close to OM1, there could be truth darts.

The fat lady hasn't even been announced yet, let alone sung.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 09/07/15 08:35 PM.

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V, RD, Sotto and Dawn thank you being such stalwart posters for me. And Sotto I feel honoured you would use your limited hotel WiFi for the purpose.

V, I have wondered what OM has been told about me but I also don't really care because he doesn't know me. I'm going to choose to assume that he's probably a good guy because to be honest if some as attractive and smart as my XW was pursuing me like she did to him, then I'd have a hard time saying no.

I'm going for mature adult approach in all of this and doing my best to show this in interactions - with mixed success.

Sotto, SMH? That one has me stumped. On the height thing that was a long standing complaint together with how I couldn't just wrap her up in my frame to protect her (my XW is 5'9 and I'm only just taller)

And RD, thank you for the compliment. I'm not buying it but I appreciate the sentiment. I hope im at least my kids hero. I'm not always able to control my emotions, I was upset yesterday and it showed.

The introspection is important to me. If I have another failed relationship I don't want it to be because I repeated mistakes.

Thanks again


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Jim

You do know what you think about grows?

Well "if I have a failed R?" So are you going to make different mistakes then to fail an R?

Can I say it more positively? "My next R (even if with WW) will be a success, any minor errors are easily corrected and outweighed by the new skills I apply"

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So i'm just posting this observation really because I find it curious to see where things are.

Today is my D's first day of school. XW bought her round to mine so we could take her together. It was the first time she has come into my house (our former marital house) in some time and to me, she seemed pretty uncomfortable with it.

we spoke briefly about a few things related to the kids but basically didn't chat - on the way back we pretty much walked in silence. we were in each others company for about 40 minutes and I don't think there was a single word uttered by either of us that wasn't about the kids, except for a point where I asked after the cats and said I missed them.

I don't think it means anything one way or the other except to illustrate quite clearly the distance that exists between us now. I guess i'm just reflecting on the shame that it came to this.

And V, yes I was planning on my next R failing because of a spectacular mistake, possible involving a Porsche 911, 3 Capybara and a flamingo called Derek smile Seriously though, I take your point. thankyou.


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Hi Jim. Glad you got to take D to school and both you and W made it a family thing for her

To me , of course you W was awkward , herself and her husband that she left , took their baby to her first day of school This must be hard for her on so many levels ( please don't forget I'm a fully paid up member of the Jim team )

Firstly , she has demonised you in her mind so she doesn't want to be around you

Secondly She will always be thinking about what she's done and even if she's quite sure her decision was the right one , today was a stark reminder that life going forward will be full of days like this and maybe not the paradise that she dreams of

Thirdly Jim is not the abuser that W portrays and I have no doubt your being a great dad is clear to see , even for W

Jim. I could go on but I think you get my drift

It's more than a shame Jim , it's a bloody nightmare and incredibly sad. I feel for you today and I hope the little one has a fantastic day.

Next R you will have your R tool belt on and ready for action.

Take care mate. Rd

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And I thought the flamingo was called Ernie!

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I'd give you my last Rolo too Jim grin grin

Glad that you and W were able to be with your D together on her first day at school. Even if things were a little quiet, you were both there for her and that's great.

Now then, with OM, can I pick up on this whole 'come for a drink' thing? I get that you want to accept he will be around your kids just now, and you want a good situation for them. But do you really want to go out for a drink with this guy? I can't imagine ever wanting to go out for a drink with OW, so I'm struggling to wrap my head around it.

What does it actually do for you? I'm not trying to sound challenging (as you know I have all the time in the world for lovely Jim). But I just wonder where you are going with this desire to link some more with OM? From my perspective, things can be fine for the kids as long as you are civil to OM when you see him....but I'm getting this sense of - is Jim keen to show something to OM?

Anyway...enough of boring OM, who's R with your W is likely to be doomed anyway. What of you? Are you up to some nice things this week my friend??


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Your last rolo! I truly am honoured. smile

So the drink with OM thing....

Ive mentioned it once to XW and once directly to OM1. My intention is that I will never mention it again.

I don't want to be friends with OM1 or with my XW, but at the same time I have to work with her as a coparent and I have to accept he is a massive part of my kids (and therefore my) life. He's not a really bad guy but equally I know very little about someone my kids spend near 50% of their time with.

So really I just want to be open to accepting him as not doing so only hurts me and as far as possible I want to minimise the friction between us as that has to be better for the kids.

Hopefully that makes more sense.

GAL, well I had a pretty solid last 10 days or so but its then a little light on the GAL front coming up. Very few invites come my way so I have to I initiate plans generally, and that takes work (and involves a lot of what feels like rejection). To be honest I have way too much work to do for much GAL anyway.

But kids tonight, sport tomorrow, out with friends Friday then kids Saturday into Sunday. So some good plans.


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Sounds like you have good plans in place to stay occupied the next few days. Good for you! Keep hanging in there and it WILL get better. (((Jim)))


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Hi Jim. Just a few thoughts , I get where your coming from re OM and I while I agree with finding out what sort of a bloke he is I'm not sure what you will learn going for a drink and I think it would be incredibly awkward. Not sure what to suggest otherwise either !

I'm no expert on any of this so its just my thoughts but it's a minefield for you with the ages your children are All You can do is what you are doing and being a great dad.

On the GAL , is there something your into ? Not extreme sports like Sotto but more mundane things like stock car racing or paragliding !!

Take care. Rd

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Try Gans schedule!

Amazing lady

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I'd love to try Gan's schedule. That's one well travelled lady.

OK so to put this drink with OM thing to bed. It was never a social thing for me it was always a functional thing. The gesture is more important than the actuality, I want to defuse things before there is an issue.

In reality I didn't/don't expect him to take me up on it and even if he did he certainly wouldn't admit the things i really want to know about him (like does he have a criminal record).

By making the offer and making sure he knows I've made the offer, I've extended a small olive branch that says from the outset I'm prepared to work with him for as long as he is in my kids life and does them no harm. That's my interpretation anyway.

He will never replace me as 'daddy' and so I have no reason to feel threatened by him, and therefore no reason to be difficult or cold toward him.

Don't get me wrong I have no wish to be mates with him and the moment he is out of my kids life he can rot in a hole for all I care but until that point comes, I will be courteous and accepting because anything else does me and my kids no good in the long run.

And having just typed all of that I nowI realise an element of it was a bit primeval alpha posturing. Hmmmm.......


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Nothing wrong with alpha posture, we girls quite like a little alpha stuff.

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Once more Jim. Your insight to yourself amazes me. I would still be convincing myself I was doing it for purely rational reasons

Take care. Rd

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I'll tell you something Jim, you need do nothing other than just 'be' with OM, because you are already 10x the guy that he is. You have no need for any posturing activities in respect to him....because Jim is already just fine as he is. I agree with RD.....good job with the insight. Many of us dwell in blissful ignorance for much longer than you do.

Have a good day my friend xx


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Thanks for the positive reinforcement. Its always welcome if unjustified.

So XW collected D from me with OM1 in tow - this is apparently just the done thing now. S was in the her car but she didnt mention this - He was nearly on my driveway without me seeing him but fortunately I carried D out to the car so saw him if only for 30 second.

I can confidently say my pending divorce was never about OM1 (and to be honest im starting to doubt whether it was even about me), I cant help but feel pretty rubbish that she picked him over me.

I do however think more and more that my continuing difficulty in moving on is about the rejection and what my XW represented more than about her specifically - Yes she is smart, funny, attractive and successful but she also treated me pretty badly for a number of years and her anxiety/need for control is quite frustrating. And that ignores all of her actions post BD.

Its like to me being alone is a sign of failure. Now thats not a standard i would apply to anyone else but is too easy a conclusion for me about me. And that in itself leads to a negative reinforcement spiral.

some of this post comes from the fact the last couple of weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster for me and in amongst it all I find myself really missing having that partner to share the highs and lows with. And everytime the kids leave its a hell of a low. But im also now really trying to understand why this still affects me, why I still care and what it will take to move on.....im getting impatient with it all.

Now before anyone says anything about GAL, I'm over seeing friends tonight, then out friday night (yes i'm acting like im 25 but then I look it so noone will notice) and before I know it the kids will be back smile

Anyway I hope you are all having a nice evening/afternoon/time of day relevant to your timezone.

And if any newcomers are reading this - Really digging for insight is deeply unpleasant but it will help you but not while you are still trying to work out how to get your partner back. Make yourself the best option then decide who deserves that option.


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Hi Jim. I completely agree with the rejection feeling even though I know its not true You seem to have grasped that W was going to pick someone and realistically OM was handy. I'm not sure but for me your W is searching for happiness but she has yet to find it. At the moment she's trying to be happy by using a 3rd party and that's not going to work long term.

Back to you Jim , while I envy your introspection let's not go mad. W was who she was and her being that way may have influenced who you became

Re the moving on part and why your struggling , it's called love. And you can't turn off love. I know , I've hit the switch time and time again. !!

Enjoy your GAL young man and take care. Rd

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And if any newcomers are reading this - Really digging for insight is deeply unpleasant but it will help you but not while you are still trying to work out how to get your partner back. Make yourself the best option then decide who deserves that option.
Hi Jim. I'm reading this. My problem is I was my best when I was with H I've been with him almost my whole life I really don't know who I am without him. It seems that everyone on here is able to Gal and I have been hiding for an entire year


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Oh Jim...I just want to send you this (((jim))). I know it is all tough, but you are doing so amazingly well. Keep hanging in there my friend. Molly and I send our staunch support your way. smile


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Hi All,

So I got in at 0330 last night. it was a good night if full of melodrama.

This morning I received the draft divorce papers through the post. They say much what I expected them to say whilst at the same time I fundamentally disagree with much of the content. I could go point by point dismissing almost everything as either completely misinterpreted or pure fabrication - But that does noone any good and even if it is complete lies it still what she believes.

Mostly it is about how she felt isolated and unsupported and that I lacked empathy. Interestingly though she has used my semi-confronting her about OM1 a couple of days after i found out about him as an the example of my aggressive behaviour.

I will be proceeding on the basis that I dont agree but i'm not contesting. part of me wants to make sure i reference her adultery but thats my ego talking.

I did send her a text message saying I had received the papers. Probably wrongly I also said

'..it saddens me both to think you felt the way you have described and also just how far apart our perceptions and interpretations of different events were. I will always believe that had we been able to communicate better about how we felt then our differences were perfectly resolvable'

i then went on to say i want to conclude things swiftly.

possible a mistake and I expect she will view it negatively. She and OM1 will probably have a good laugh at my expense about how pathetic it makes me or how i 'still don't get it', but at the same time its true.....well at least from my perspective.


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Jim, I'm sorry to hear that ((((Jim))))

Whilst your W had forewarned you, it isn't nice to receive D papers ever. And you are bound to feel some upset. It is also hard to read negative things about yourself when your W had the A. But as you say, it isn't the time to try and be 'right' - there just isn't any point to that.

One thing to be aware of is that she could try and claim that you should pay her legal fees. In our response to the draft papers, my L said I was willing for the D petition to proceed as drafted and on the basis that H would not ask me to pay his L fees.

As for your sitch overall, receiving D papers is just another milestone, along with S, D and so on. It's ultimately up to you whether you decide to leave the door open a tiny crack. On a positive note, it sounds like you had a good night last night. I'm out for a drink with a friend in a bit (changed our plans from a movie) but I expect to be in bed by midnight of course grin

Take care my friend xx


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(((Jim)))

Receiving the papers is so tough and I said a little extra prayer for you when I read this. I was in your boat, not wanting D but not wanting to contest either. It is just heart-wrenching.

Hang in there, my friend. And, of course, I agree with Sotto above about D papers being just another milestone.


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Hi Jim. Agree with Sotto completely. On the text you sent I would say you did the right thing. It' was not needy. It was your thoughts and you expressed them. You did it for you and not for an agenda or outcome

It's such a sad thing and I don't know anyway to go through it but through it

Can you picture Jim happy again. Properly happy It will happen Jim Every thing has a time line and this crap is the same. It will end and Jim will emerge the other side.

Your post re the gift your children where has stayed with me Your a clever man and you will be a great guy in your next R

Take care mate. Positive thoughts heading your way. Rd

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Hello jim0987. Still listening. You seem to be still struggling much, on year into it. It is no surprise, as one year is not that look to absorb that big a change. We need to be patient with ourselves. I'm not saying anything you haven't heard a million times around her.

Dropping the kids is always a bit difficult, but I've learnt to appreciate my lazy side and how I can sleep in, cook and clean less, etc. when they are not around. Not my #1 choice in life, but still, I might as well look at the good side of things.

I find it interesting that you identify a generic value in being in a couple and I can relate to it. I also notice that you still praise WW's many qualities. I've to say that mine has gradually come down the pedestal I had for her. She's become more of a normal person in my mind, less of the ultimate woman that every man desires. I sometimes think of how difficult she was with me, of her bad habits, shortcomings, etc. It seems a good sign that I can see her more objectively, regardless of the future.


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Dawn, thank you for the prayer, its nice to receive and its good to read about the happiness you're finding.

Sotto, as usual you're right it's not nice to receive but she had warned me and there were no unpleasant surprises. She is asking me to pay half the fees and I've discussed with my L whether it woukd be reasonable to say no, she should pay them all.

RD, actually I'm getting better picturing myself happy. I've just got to keep working on me and squash some of the negative inner monologue. The kids are so important to me and my gratitude that they are who they are and my wish to be the best I can for them has been the biggest single factor in any maturity I've shown in all this.

Mozza, thanks - I also keep up on your thread just haven't had much I can add. I'm definitely appreciating the freedom to just be, leave the washing up or go out without having to check its ok, so I can see the positives.

It's strange I can still see all the positives in my XW, but can increasingly see the negatives as well, so I have a more rounded impression. I do sometimes wonder if my issue is not so much we separated but that she ended it and moved on so easily. Then I tell myself it doesn't matter I just need to learn what I can and live a better life in the future.

As a related aside, today I provided my lawyer with a response to the grounds cited. I tried to avoid making a scorecard but it was a little 'yes but...'

It was quite carthatic and made me realise how little my XW appreciated my circumstances or has reflected on her own conduct. Even if it goes nowhere I felt better for it.

Anyway thank you all for posting


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Hi Jim. Glad it made you feel better and it's another step in the process.

Your kids are very lucky and whomever is next in your life will also be lucky

Take care mate. Rd

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Hi Jim How's things mate ? What's happening In the world of Jim ?
Hope you and kids are good

Take care. Rd

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Jim, I'm glad RD posted because I was thinking of you last night & meant to do the same thing! Let us know how you are doing my friend. I miss you smile


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Big hugs

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You ok?

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Morning all. Thanks for checking in on me.

Sorry I haven't posted on your threads. I've been so busy with work this feels like my first spare minute.

Work is going mostly good though, a few issues but when isn't there?

The divorce is progressing and I'm having a bit of a disagreement about why I have to pay her costs. I'm regretting not filing on the basis of her adultery as although I justified not filing in reality I think I was trying to be 'nice' and its now biting me back.

Communication with XW is purely functional and a little fraught as we are slightly divergent on a few childcare things. I asked for separate appoints with our Daughters teacher conference as I really couldn't be bothered to try and coordinate with my XW and I don't want all the time taken up with my XWs questions.

And of course OM1 is ever present.

It does make me reflect that maybe I'm doing more to perpetuate the friction than I felt I was, so maybe I need to dwell on that. I also suspect that I feel there is friction more than she does.

I was thinking I might write to XW to ask more directly what we can do to make coparenting easier. I expect I would get either ignored or a list of my faults, but knowing there are issues and not talking about them led to my current circumstances.

I was chatting to someone yesterday who was very much of the view that my XW and I would reconcile but that if it didn't happen it was because fate meant me to meet someone else. She had a very positive outlook and I liked it, even if I don't agree with it.

I'm not even slightly religious but I do like that peacefulness that comes with just trusting something good will come.

In the shorter term I'm going to trust in an English victories tonight and all the the way through to the final.

Have a good weekend


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Jim, you are a good man and I have all the faith in the world that something good will come for you. I continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers and Molly sends wags, as always.

Take care and hang in there. You deserve goodness and happiness and you will get it. smile


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Hello my friend - good to hear from you. Sounds like you have been mega busy lately. Hope you still found some time for a little GAL. Yes, I'm with you on the sense of peace - that things will work out well whichever way. I do think many people lay good foundations on this forum and that's the main thing. I also think we have to take the 'long view' in any decisions we make. I want to know that 2,3,5 years down the line I look back and was happy with my part at this point.

Sorry things are a little fraught with your W. We've refused to pay H's legal costs. I imagine you could do the same - but your L will advise I'm sure. H told me his L quoted up to £66k for her to provide input on a contested D. She is a London L - but gosh!!

As for the coparenting. Will it help to write a letter? I think a letter almost always never helps. Because the fact of writing a letter just adds to the fraughtness. IDK - has it ever helped when you have written a letter before?? If you can discuss, that would be best - but I would keep it topic based and not try and deal with the overall coparenting situation. Eg: parents evening is coming up. I plan to go from 6-7 and I'm going to make the appts. Do you want to join me or see teachers separately? Just so you know what you're doing.

Also bear in mind that things are probably going to be a little tense for a little while yet, but should settle down in time. As for optimistic friend....I like her! Who knows what will happen Jim?? I'll tell you what though - OM may be trying to be super-step-dad just now - but he can only keep that up for so long before the cracks start to show. I have never been sorry to be a step parent - but boy I found it tough sometimes!!

Glad to hear you're doing okay anyway. Take care xx


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Hi Jiim. Just saw your post re what friend said about you and W reconciling and if not then it's fate. I completely agree Your not the person W thinks you are and she will see that one day If she sees it too late then her loss mate


As usual I agree 100% with Sotto. Who doesn't ? I don't want to give OM headspace BUT he's not your kids dad. He can try all he wants and maybe he will do a half decent job by them ( and I hope he does ) but the pressure on him in an R that started this way will only make their day to day life harder and harder

Keep on becoming the best you can be and life will be very good to you

Take care mate and thanks for the update. Rd

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Morning all

Thought I'd post an update.

Got V2 of the divorce papers, XW has made some minor amends but left stuff in that's simply not true. And for those who read my early posts you know how ready I am to blame myself.

I sent her a long text after I got the revised papers. There was an issue in that I accidentally pressed send half way through so there is a bit that makes no sense. The general summary of what I said is:
- thanks for the changes
- I'm disappointed about what she said
- I know she believes it but I believe some if it is entirely false
- I also no it doesn't matter because the truth is she stopped loving me years ago
- her affair was one if the worst things I've experienced but it taught me a lot
- I know that's not why she left
- I only ever wanted her to be happy and if OM1 provides that for her then I wish her well
- that we will never be friends but we need to get on to protect the kids from the bitterness that divorce brings and that more understanding will probably help.
- its clear that she never understood me
- I'd like to get to the point were our first interpretation of the other person is positive
- I know its a while down the road but once the divorce is finalised hopefully it will get easier between us
- and that regardless of what I believe us true, I know she felt hurt by me and I'm sorry for that.

I absolutely don't expect a response (except maybe her to pass it to her solicitor) but I wanted to say some of that for me.

It does still stun me how different our versions of the same events were, but we are where we are.

Anyway, aside from that things are pretty good. Very busy, mainly work though, but some good socially bits.

Definitely missing being in a relationship these days but there isn't much opportunity to do anything about that - I'm certainly no RD!

Thanks for reading and have a good day smile


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Hi Jim, good to see an update from you. I almost posted to you last night saying....hows about an update?? So will V2 be the final version of the papers then? From your text, I'm not sure I understand, are you looking for further revision of the content?

I wonder whether the long texts to your W are productive? I would be tempted to go dark, other than the kids and leave the rest to your L. Probably given her state of mind right now (loved up w OM) her ears to that kind of stuff are closed. I still think you have a tendency to carry on wanting to make your point with her. Even though it's unlikely to be productive, may do some harm and when it might be better to just drop it. I don't mean to sound harsh and I'm full of admiration and respect generally for you - but I do think this is an area to perhaps think about...

Glad to hear you've been busy with things and had some enjoyable social events...Hope you have some nice social stuff coming up. Any new GAL plans on the horizon?? I imagine OM never accepted that offer of a drink (not that this would count as GAL..)

Now then, you have made a couple of self deprecating comments that you are not like RD. It is true that RD is one of a minority of lucky people blessed with a certain cheeky charm. However, you have a different charm all of your own and are also worthy of love. Let Jim's own brand of cheeky charm bubble to the surface. Be a free child sometimes and giggle, let your guard down and get to know new people.

Did you ever think about whether a DRW might be a good option for you??

TAke care my friend & keep posting xx

Last edited by Sotto; 10/09/15 06:48 AM.

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Hi Jim. Agree with Sotto 100%. The text was for you and I get that BUT if there's a next time , send it to yourself. W has her version and regardless of accuracy , she believes it so no amount of reasoned argurment will change that at the moment

My cheeky charm seems to have been blown out of proportion and it's my fault.
I do chat to almost anyone and strike up conversations where others may not. I often wonder if I annoy more than I realise , who knows maybe I catch people off guard and there are chatting before their normal reserve has cut in

Jim , you come across as a really decent guy on here and I'm sure that's an accurate discription in real life too. If your missing company then take steps to remedy that Dating sites , meet up groups , etc. maybe it's tod in the water time and see how you feel. Sotto is planning a big romance with handsome Dan (. !!!!!!!!). So why not you

Just my pennies worth mate. Hope kids are good

Take care. Rd

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Jim Maaaaaaate!

Sounds like things are sort of progressing but not as you had hoped, but it sounds like I your doing better I'm pleased.


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Hi Jim, I'm just stopping by to say Hello. I hope you're having a good weekend. Do you have the kids with you this weekend?? It's a nice sunny morning here.

Just checking in anyway to see how you are doing.

Take care my local DB friend xx


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Hi Sotto. Thanks for checking in.

No kids this weekend and because XW and OM1 have a long weekend away planned next weekend I've end up with another stint of not seeing the kids for over a week. So very much looking forward to it.

Managed to speak to them briefly last night but my little girl got upset that she missed me so XW ended the call to stop D getting more upset.

Having said that I've been very busy with a mix of work, leisure and social GAL. Including a nice bike ride in the sunshine. So apart from the RWC its been pretty good.

Back to previous topics. Yes the V2 of the paperwork is final but I still get to do my own submission which will sit along side. Right now I wanted it done and over with, with minimal legal bills.

The text was for me not her, I think I even said that I don't expect anything I say to make the slightest difference. I do understand the keep quiet front and I know I shouldn't have sent it (to be honest had I not accidentally pressed send half way through I probably wouldn't have - there's a valuable lesson in that). At the same time its things I wanted to say for me.

Whilst I'm accepting of my situation and can even see how I'm better off in a lot of ways, I struggle with a sense of injustice which I know I need to move beyond. She has got everything her way and yet still won't accept any responsibility or even recognise the hurt she caused me and the kids (or even admit that she has done anything less than perfect). Not in front of me anyway.

I think the other part is that I did more than enough wrong in the relationship to cite in the divorce paperwork (given how low the bar is) without her needing to make stuff up, some of which is just offensive to me - and I mean properly offensive to me and the kind of person I think I am. I can be pretty negative about myself at times (which are getting far fewer by the way) so that in itself says something.

So its a sense of injustice about it all that hinders that last bit of detachment.

But despite it all I'm doing good


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Originally Posted By: jim0987

Whilst I'm accepting of my situation and can even see how I'm better off in a lot of ways, I struggle with a sense of injustice which I know I need to move beyond. She has got everything her way and yet still won't accept any responsibility or even recognise the hurt she caused me and the kids (or even admit that she has done anything less than perfect). Not in front of me anyway.
Jim, a lot of us struggle with this. My STBX says he's sorry I got hurt without taking any responsibility whatsoever for his actions that caused the hurt. It's like saying sorry my leg's broken without mentioning you were the one who ran me over with a truck. But I choose to believe it's the best he can offer up right now. It's possible that your W does feel some regret, and just can't say so.

Originally Posted By: jim0987
I think the other part is that I did more than enough wrong in the relationship to cite in the divorce paperwork (given how low the bar is) without her needing to make stuff up, some of which is just offensive to me - and I mean properly offensive to me and the kind of person I think I am. I can be pretty negative about myself at times (which are getting far fewer by the way) so that in itself says something.
She's doing this to make herself feel better, to try and make herself look better to others. It doesn't matter. Just recognize it for what it is.

I try to view my STBX as doing the best he can with the tools and resources at his disposal right now. He's uncomfortable expressing his emotions, never could stand it when I tried to do it, his communication tools are limited. When I view him that way, it makes it easier for me. What do you think about viewing your W that way, Jim? Would that help you?



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Hi Jim. Agree with Sunny a do completely understand how you feel the way you do. For me it shows you love her. If you didn't life would be much easier but it is what it is

Your W has to justify what she's done or else how could she live with herself.

Stay strong mate. Rd

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Yes, I understand the injustice too Jim. But here's the thing. I truly do not believe there is an escape from things ultimately catching up with you. Sometimes the Karma bus takes a while to arrive. A good while. But arrive it does.

My take on your sitch is that OM is probably working his socks off to be a good partner just now. But I don't think decent guys come into a marriage in the way that OM's do, so my guess is that the parts of himself he is currently hiding will come out at some point and then what happens is anyone's game.

I don't write any of this with glee because your kids are at the heart of all of this. But I do believe this is what is likely to happen. Maybe not this month or next - but at some point down the line, likely yes.

You're doing well Jim....take care xx


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Hey Jim - I'm just dropping in to check on you and say Hello.....and to let you know that Pink is posting again and has mentioned you.

How are things going my friend? Have you been up to some nice things, and blazing a trail at work as usual? Hope those lovely kids are doing well.

Do let us have an update when you get chance my friend xxx


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Yes, love to an update, agreeing with sotto


Hugs

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Jumping on the bandwagon What's happening in Jims world ??

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Hi Jim. You about mate. Any chance of an update.

Take care. Rd

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Yes Jim - do post when you get chance & let us know how you are doing xx


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And so say I

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Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Me too, me too! Wondering about you and hoping all is well. Molly sends wags too. smile


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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Originally Posted By: jim0987
Whilst I'm accepting of my situation and can even see how I'm better off in a lot of ways, I struggle with a sense of injustice which I know I need to move beyond. She has got everything her way and yet still won't accept any responsibility or even recognise the hurt she caused me and the kids (or even admit that she has done anything less than perfect). Not in front of me anyway.

I heard something recently that helped me get past that. I just mentioned it on my thread.
Originally Posted By: mozza
I re-heard a bit from comedian Mike Birbiglia who tells how he got involved in a car with a drunk driver who rammed his car. Because of a mistake in the police report, the insurance wanted him to pay $12,000 to the drunk driver. He calls the police to get the report revised and when he finally talks to the captain, he's told «You made a bad turn, now do the right thing, and pay for the guy's car.» He's outraged, of course, and becomes consumed in a fight for justice, so much that his friends avoid him because that's all he talks about. One night, he's on a date with his girlfriend, writing ideas about the case when she says to him: "I don't know what to tell you. You're right, but it's hurting you." And so he paid and moved on.

You can probably Google and find the bit online (no links here...). It made me think a lot about how to deal with the injustice. I want to right the wrong, but it's not in my control. And it's hurting me. People around me can see that I'm right, but they care more about my well-being.

It's not easy to get there and we need to be ready to accept this, sometimes after a long struggle. I hope you'll find your way there.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
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"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Hi Jim. You about mate. Wondering what's happening in your world. Would love an update when you get time

Take care. Rd

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Jim!!!! I would love an update too my nearest DB neighbour. I miss you my friend and I hope life is moving forward positively for you.

Drop in when you get chance and let us know how you are doing. xxx


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We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Me too

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V 64, WAW


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Hi Jim. Don't know if you visit here anymore but in case you do. Happy new year mate

All the best for 2016. Rd

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You don't seem to be around anymore, but just wanted to say Happy New Year and hope that this new year is your best one yet. smile


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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Ah Jim, all your old chums miss you. I hope you're not posting because you are too busy enjoying life. A big happy new year to you my friend, and I hope you'll drop by at some point and let us know how you are getting along. Xxx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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And from another member of your tribe

Miss you, want to know how you are and hear about the children

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hi Jim. Your proberbly not reading on here anymore but in case you are I was thinking about you and wondering how your getting on

Hope all is good with you and the kids

Take care mate. Rd

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Same here - I just looked you up to see if you had updated your thread. I hope you're well.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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