I'll tell you something Jim, you need do nothing other than just 'be' with OM, because you are already 10x the guy that he is. You have no need for any posturing activities in respect to him....because Jim is already just fine as he is. I agree with RD.....good job with the insight. Many of us dwell in blissful ignorance for much longer than you do.
Have a good day my friend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks for the positive reinforcement. Its always welcome if unjustified.
So XW collected D from me with OM1 in tow - this is apparently just the done thing now. S was in the her car but she didnt mention this - He was nearly on my driveway without me seeing him but fortunately I carried D out to the car so saw him if only for 30 second.
I can confidently say my pending divorce was never about OM1 (and to be honest im starting to doubt whether it was even about me), I cant help but feel pretty rubbish that she picked him over me.
I do however think more and more that my continuing difficulty in moving on is about the rejection and what my XW represented more than about her specifically - Yes she is smart, funny, attractive and successful but she also treated me pretty badly for a number of years and her anxiety/need for control is quite frustrating. And that ignores all of her actions post BD.
Its like to me being alone is a sign of failure. Now thats not a standard i would apply to anyone else but is too easy a conclusion for me about me. And that in itself leads to a negative reinforcement spiral.
some of this post comes from the fact the last couple of weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster for me and in amongst it all I find myself really missing having that partner to share the highs and lows with. And everytime the kids leave its a hell of a low. But im also now really trying to understand why this still affects me, why I still care and what it will take to move on.....im getting impatient with it all.
Now before anyone says anything about GAL, I'm over seeing friends tonight, then out friday night (yes i'm acting like im 25 but then I look it so noone will notice) and before I know it the kids will be back
Anyway I hope you are all having a nice evening/afternoon/time of day relevant to your timezone.
And if any newcomers are reading this - Really digging for insight is deeply unpleasant but it will help you but not while you are still trying to work out how to get your partner back. Make yourself the best option then decide who deserves that option.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Hi Jim. I completely agree with the rejection feeling even though I know its not true You seem to have grasped that W was going to pick someone and realistically OM was handy. I'm not sure but for me your W is searching for happiness but she has yet to find it. At the moment she's trying to be happy by using a 3rd party and that's not going to work long term.
Back to you Jim , while I envy your introspection let's not go mad. W was who she was and her being that way may have influenced who you became
Re the moving on part and why your struggling , it's called love. And you can't turn off love. I know , I've hit the switch time and time again. !!
And if any newcomers are reading this - Really digging for insight is deeply unpleasant but it will help you but not while you are still trying to work out how to get your partner back. Make yourself the best option then decide who deserves that option. Hi Jim. I'm reading this. My problem is I was my best when I was with H I've been with him almost my whole life I really don't know who I am without him. It seems that everyone on here is able to Gal and I have been hiding for an entire year
Oh Jim...I just want to send you this (((jim))). I know it is all tough, but you are doing so amazingly well. Keep hanging in there my friend. Molly and I send our staunch support your way.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
So I got in at 0330 last night. it was a good night if full of melodrama.
This morning I received the draft divorce papers through the post. They say much what I expected them to say whilst at the same time I fundamentally disagree with much of the content. I could go point by point dismissing almost everything as either completely misinterpreted or pure fabrication - But that does noone any good and even if it is complete lies it still what she believes.
Mostly it is about how she felt isolated and unsupported and that I lacked empathy. Interestingly though she has used my semi-confronting her about OM1 a couple of days after i found out about him as an the example of my aggressive behaviour.
I will be proceeding on the basis that I dont agree but i'm not contesting. part of me wants to make sure i reference her adultery but thats my ego talking.
I did send her a text message saying I had received the papers. Probably wrongly I also said
'..it saddens me both to think you felt the way you have described and also just how far apart our perceptions and interpretations of different events were. I will always believe that had we been able to communicate better about how we felt then our differences were perfectly resolvable'
i then went on to say i want to conclude things swiftly.
possible a mistake and I expect she will view it negatively. She and OM1 will probably have a good laugh at my expense about how pathetic it makes me or how i 'still don't get it', but at the same time its true.....well at least from my perspective.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Whilst your W had forewarned you, it isn't nice to receive D papers ever. And you are bound to feel some upset. It is also hard to read negative things about yourself when your W had the A. But as you say, it isn't the time to try and be 'right' - there just isn't any point to that.
One thing to be aware of is that she could try and claim that you should pay her legal fees. In our response to the draft papers, my L said I was willing for the D petition to proceed as drafted and on the basis that H would not ask me to pay his L fees.
As for your sitch overall, receiving D papers is just another milestone, along with S, D and so on. It's ultimately up to you whether you decide to leave the door open a tiny crack. On a positive note, it sounds like you had a good night last night. I'm out for a drink with a friend in a bit (changed our plans from a movie) but I expect to be in bed by midnight of course
Take care my friend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Receiving the papers is so tough and I said a little extra prayer for you when I read this. I was in your boat, not wanting D but not wanting to contest either. It is just heart-wrenching.
Hang in there, my friend. And, of course, I agree with Sotto above about D papers being just another milestone.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Hi Jim. Agree with Sotto completely. On the text you sent I would say you did the right thing. It' was not needy. It was your thoughts and you expressed them. You did it for you and not for an agenda or outcome
It's such a sad thing and I don't know anyway to go through it but through it
Can you picture Jim happy again. Properly happy It will happen Jim Every thing has a time line and this crap is the same. It will end and Jim will emerge the other side.
Your post re the gift your children where has stayed with me Your a clever man and you will be a great guy in your next R
Take care mate. Positive thoughts heading your way. Rd
