Hi Jim, yes I agree about the news coverage. I don't watch/read the news - only listen on the radio, but people have been so moved by the picture of that little boy. It's so sad to think of these people who are so desperate. We have a new appeal at the charity bookstore and received many donations yesterday.
It must have been hard to have nine days without your kids. I hope they had a good trip though & good to have them with you again.....plus it's a lovely afternoon too!! I hope you have some nice plans.
I can see that OM and W may have felt more at ease with a 'general' meetup. He may have felt somewhat 'put on the spot' perhaps with a 1-1 meet up. I imagine he may also feel that way about a drink, so if he doesn't initiate on that one, you may just want to let it go. As you say, as long as things are good for the kids, that's the main thing. Doesn't really matter if you don't like him much. I don't think I shall ever grow to like OW!!
I'm not surprised you've been feeling low. There's been a lot of movement in your sitch recently...and like mine...not in a good way. But this too shall pass. You and I will travel this road towards D together and we'll get through it. Knowing Pink has already made it to the other side has helped me.
Incidentally, I'm just back from lunch with my parents and my Dad told me that his builder (who is M to Dad's cleaner) is M for the 6th time! They have been M 10 years or so and I always presumed it was their only M. I don't think I would M someone who was M for the 6th time!!
Now then Jim, it sounds like you need a little energy injection into GAL to give you a boost. Do you have any plans in this area? Autumn courses? Social groups? Support group? etc etc...Hopefully you will make some nice plans for yourself.
Have a great day with your kids Jim & take care my friend xx
Last edited by Sotto; 09/06/1501:34 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi. Jim. Can I firstly say you a bit of a hero of mine I could never be a mature as you and deal with a sitch like that I envy your control and although you tell us how hard it is you still manage.
Your W may be happy and may be not but either way how is she going to appear with you in that situation ?
Please take time to reflect on how strong you are Jim It may not seem like it being so close to the coal face but you really are In your kids eyes you are their Dad and rock.
I'm SO saving your post about meeting OM when I have to meet my XH's OW face to face in a few weeks. I can learn something from you, because as much as I don't want to be ugly or bitter, I really want to tell her off. You handled it beautifully, sir and I applaud you for that.
Hang in there, Jim and know that Molly and I are always sending positive thoughts and prayers (and wags and licks from Molly) your way.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Can't say I feel much like a 'hero' though RD. Just trying really hard not to be bitter about it. She would almost certainly still say i'm being mean and abusive.
The resentment is still there but I really want to let it go. It stems from the effort she puts in with OM1 and the loneliness I feel now compared to the happiness I see in her. This resentment and the fact I was handing my kids back were among the reasons I was in a bad mood when they collected the kids yesterday. The fact it was 'They' is another one, now I've met him its apparent OM1 is now going to be a routine feature of our handovers.
They had all the stuff in the car for another family trip out somewhere and I'll again be honest and say I'm jealous of this. That's my family!!
Stupid stuff still bothers me. For example, I made sure she had regular contact with the kids when I took them on holiday but when she took them, I had to chase her. She asked for some things 'back' that she left behind when she moved out but the 'back' implies I took them. And then she made some comment about having to swap the kids clothes around between houses and it felt like there were some little insinuations within the way she phrased things. This is my issue to own because I feel the criticism in what she says whether its actually there or not (although to be honest I have no clue what she is talking about and said as much).
I did keep my focus on the kids as much as I could and although I acknowledged OM1, we didn't speak at the 2nd handover. I'm being polite but I suspect my XW probably feels a lot of hatred coming from me because I know its there so I need to work on that some more.
One of the other strange things is that even though she chose OM1 over me, so in the only scorecard that matters he wins, I felt completely unthreatened by him which is oddly unusual for me. I still cant figure out that he is shorter than me (and my XW) though - seriously my XW complained several times that I'm not tall enough.
Antiversary Reflections
So its a bit of a lengthy post but the other thing to say is that today marks the 1 year anniversary of BD, and so I'm just going to summarise a few of the things I've learnt in the last year (even if im still working on accepting them):
- It was never about OM1. Yes he was the catalyst and why she left when she did, but she was already looking for her way out.
- I did plenty wrong in our relationship which meant my XW didnt feel supported. Not because I didn't support her but she didn't feel I did, because I let me own fears, hurts and resentments get in the way
- I'd let my independent life slip too far, I was over invested in the relationship which added to an unhealthy pressure
- I need to talk to people more about how I feel, particularly people I love when there is a hurt there. either that or let the hurt go. Holding onto the hurt but not addressing it only causes more problems
- My hurts are legitimate and although I didn't handle them well and some are about my perception, that doesn't mean they weren't valid feelings. As much as my XW says I wasn't there for her, I also felt near constant rejection from her toward me for around 4 years.
- Even if I had been the best husband in history, we still might have ended up here because a lot of my XW's pain wasn't about me.
- I can only control myself and with that I can choose how I react, how i interpret things and how I process my feelings. While I can choose how I feel, I can choose to always try and act in the way I would want the best version of me to act. (this is a LOT easier said than done)
- My kids mean the world to me and no matter what horrible feelings and pain may have come from all this I will forever be grateful to my XW for giving me two of the most beautiful gifts anyone could wish for. I can never regret my time with her because without it, I wouldn't have them.
- Sometimes a hug and a compassionate ear are the only fix that is needed.
- I'm alright.
So where am I now? well I still love my XW and on some levels still want to reconcile. But can see that there is no prospect for this in part because of her attitude towards me, in part because of the hurts and betrayals that have gone on which means I cant see how trust could ever be restored, in part because who wants to be the fallback plan if OM1 doesn't work out - I'd like to have more self respect than that. But most importantly because she doesn't want to because in truth my XW hasn't felt any love toward me for a very long time.
What all of this means (and I know I've said this for some time but its work in progress) is that I need to accept that it was it is and do my best to work toward what I have always described as the second best option - I find a way to forge a productive coparenting relationship with my XW and take what I've learnt from this horrible experience and use it to forge a better relationship with someone else in the future.
Its the end of spectacularly awful year, which also means its the start of a new one full of opportunity - even if it does start with receiving divorce papers.
Thanks for your continued support. ((((everyone))))
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Hi Jim. Hero is the correct term because I truly admire the insight you have into yourself and your ability to own your feelings and how you control your emotions for the sake of your kids
Your completely fright that OM means nothing in any of this and W was going to do what she did in some way From what you say I doont see your W finding true happiness from this R because she has yet to do the work on herself OM might seem like the answer now but time will tell.
It's really hard but I wouldn't even attempt to give comparisons between yourself and OM headspace. Your W was looking for a way out and anyone would have fitted the bill
Your loneliness is a difficult one. As you know I have my 4 kids at home and plenty of animals and housework to do but I still find I feel lonely for wha t EXW and I had re the connection and being able to share thoughts and our lives I suppose time and thinking of the positive is the way to go even though it's much easier to say than do
Beautiful words re the gift your kids are And if W and you never get along again then your right , look at what she gave you.
Re your W and reconciliation , that's a long road Jim and I would never say never , yes there is a lot of trust issues and the like but you knew problems existed in the M and while I'm not making excuses for your W , circumstances can make people act out of character and once on a slope then it can become slippery very quickly
I don't think your W feels no love for you but I do think she has covered it over fairly comprehensively with resentment and blame Maybe she will never be able to uncover it but I do believe it's there Time is a great force in these matters and the universe can work in strange ways Most of us never expected to be here so who knows where we will be in a few years from now
Jim. Your a young man and have a lot of living left to do. Your talk re bringing so much more to a new R is very healthy and positive
I'm in a hotel and wifi may expire soon....I'll be brief. Lots of wise words already from RD.
I agree about your W's love for you. My guess - it's in there somewhere and who knows what the future holds if you choose patience and lots of it.
Please don't presume everlasting happiness with OM and give up. R's which started as A's are pretty much doomed from the start. IT takes time, but most don't make the transition into deep and loving R's. Do bear that in mind, when you post how happy they are. There's an element of fantasy going on for them there, for sure and that can only last so long my friend.
Other than that, there's some good introspection above there & good for you. As for the height thing......SMH - that's pure WAS script....I don't like X about you, then OM is X....
Take care Jim xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
This is really tough stuff, really and truly it is. You have every right to go and scream and thump a punchball. Go let it out!
Sadly I think WW may have her work cut out for her, it's quite something to take on a wayward with two children and play happy families.
I like the way you handled it, it takes the gloat from OM completely. And you are an adult to all, mature in your handling. This may very well backfire on WW if she has presented you to OM1 as abusive, if he sees mature Jim, what does that say? It says me next.....
I think there is a price to pay, and WW isn't yet aware of it. WW won't want you close to OM1, there could be truth darts.
The fat lady hasn't even been announced yet, let alone sung.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 09/07/1508:35 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
V, RD, Sotto and Dawn thank you being such stalwart posters for me. And Sotto I feel honoured you would use your limited hotel WiFi for the purpose.
V, I have wondered what OM has been told about me but I also don't really care because he doesn't know me. I'm going to choose to assume that he's probably a good guy because to be honest if some as attractive and smart as my XW was pursuing me like she did to him, then I'd have a hard time saying no.
I'm going for mature adult approach in all of this and doing my best to show this in interactions - with mixed success.
Sotto, SMH? That one has me stumped. On the height thing that was a long standing complaint together with how I couldn't just wrap her up in my frame to protect her (my XW is 5'9 and I'm only just taller)
And RD, thank you for the compliment. I'm not buying it but I appreciate the sentiment. I hope im at least my kids hero. I'm not always able to control my emotions, I was upset yesterday and it showed.
The introspection is important to me. If I have another failed relationship I don't want it to be because I repeated mistakes.
Thanks again
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Well "if I have a failed R?" So are you going to make different mistakes then to fail an R?
Can I say it more positively? "My next R (even if with WW) will be a success, any minor errors are easily corrected and outweighed by the new skills I apply"
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
So i'm just posting this observation really because I find it curious to see where things are.
Today is my D's first day of school. XW bought her round to mine so we could take her together. It was the first time she has come into my house (our former marital house) in some time and to me, she seemed pretty uncomfortable with it.
we spoke briefly about a few things related to the kids but basically didn't chat - on the way back we pretty much walked in silence. we were in each others company for about 40 minutes and I don't think there was a single word uttered by either of us that wasn't about the kids, except for a point where I asked after the cats and said I missed them.
I don't think it means anything one way or the other except to illustrate quite clearly the distance that exists between us now. I guess i'm just reflecting on the shame that it came to this.
And V, yes I was planning on my next R failing because of a spectacular mistake, possible involving a Porsche 911, 3 Capybara and a flamingo called Derek Seriously though, I take your point. thankyou.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
