Jim0987 #15 - Further on up the road

[jim0987]

V, RD and Sotto

Thank you for your kind words. They are comforting to me.

My XW genuinely seems to believe she is the victim of abuse perpetrated by me and she has repeatedly described me as 'abusive'.

That hurts and worries me even if I don't think it's fair, because her feeling it's true is as valid as mine that it's not.

And the crux is that I know at times I didn't support her as she needed me to and that at times I sulked rather than acting with more confidence and integrity.

I can work on it for the future but can't undo what's done.

[Sotto]

Well, that was a late night!!! Good for you, and glad you had a good time. I'm not surprised about people making the assumption you were unfaithful. The stats show that men do cheat more than women (tho women are catching up I think) - tho if OM1 is on the scene at nursery, people will also think she has become involved with someone else pretty quickly.

I think it is fair enough to put people straight on your own fidelity, without revealing the cause of your break up. As for your W firmly believing she was the victim of abuse. I get that she is holding on to that one pretty tightly. For if she lets go of that, what does she need to face? I am a woman that broke up my family and became involved with an OP...

Hope you're not too tired this morning and you have a good bike ride if that's what you plump for.

Catch up later xx

[Vanilla]

Jim

Of course another's reality and belief is their choice, but that doesn't mean it's true!

We can validate their feelings and thoughts but not agree. My WH says I am abusive etc, that is his choice of reality, doesn't make it so.

How often do the victims of crime miss the obvious and identify the wrong perpetrator.

V

[rd500]

Hi Jim you would think if your W believed you were abusive then she would have said that and not you were unfaithful !!!

Glad you put them straight mate and sounds like you had a blast


Take care. Rd

[stacey9]

Hi Jim - don't think I've posted on your thread before but I do always read it. I'm sorry for what's happened and send you my best wishes.

I also think it is very insensitive of these friends to tell you XW looks happy now. It seems she made herself out to be the victim in all of this and now may be still playing the part. It's still the honeymoon period.

Take care.

[Sotto]

Morning Jim, hope you had a good day yesterday. Looks like it's going to be a rainy one today - no bike rides for you I'm guessing!

I agree with Stacey - one does tend to look happy when one is dosed up on a mix of 'in love' chemicals. However, we all know the trajectory that A's with foundations of lies and deceit take. I read about a piece of research recently on male A's. Of around 4000 high achieving males who had As, just 3% of those led to M, of which 75% failed. Fact is these Rs tend to be doomed. Sadly your W and many other APs don't realise that yet.

Yes, it's possible that your W's A may be one of the tiny number that makes it. And I think many of us feel the same way about A's in our sitches. I guess time will tell - and your sitch is similar to mine right now. What I ask myself is - would I actually be doing anything differently right now if I chose to completely give up on a possible R? Not really - not ready for dating and best just to focus on healing, space and distance, my life, and being generally pleasant, brief but cooperative...with an open mind about what may unfold in my future.

I'm volunteering at the bookstore today. It's a nice plan for a rainy bank holiday. Hope you have some nice plans today too Jim xx

[jim0987]

Good morning.

Well another late night last night. Met up with a friend to celebrate some very good news he just received. Didn't do too much yesterday as I was really tired and its a bit too rainy today for a bike ride.

V, I think I've said before but in the ge days after BD I bought her narrative hook,line and sinker. I could only do that because I could see the ways in which my conduct was a long way short of what I would want. I can make all the rationalisation about how it was reactive to the constant rejection and shame I felt buy doesn't change the bits I don't like. I don't think it was abusive but can see how she could say it was.

Sotto, yes she is holding it pretty tightly. She knows I know she is lying about OM1 but actually I don't think it's me she is lying to anymore.

Oh and from anecdotal experience I don't believe those cheating stats when talking about long term relationships. I now know personally of more than 20 marriages/very long relationships that have ended and involved a 3rd party but its about 4:1 where its the woman that cheated.

RD, I don't think she said I'm unfaithful, she has told many people in abusive. I think it's more the conclusion people have jumped to. I've corrected them and given for over a month OM1 has been helping XW to collect the kids I think most people probably have a better idea of what really happened. If asked I say that she left me for OM1.

Stacey, hi and thanks for posting. Welcome. I always wonder who reads and doesn't post. I know I read many more threads than I post on. My friend who was saying that was very drunk at the time in it was in the context of a different discussion. He did also say that happiness won't last and talked about limerence. Still wasn't great to hear though.

In a lot of ways I hope my XWs R is one of the few that defies the odds. The longer it goes on the more attached my kids get and I don't want them hurt anymore than they have been. I'm glad that I don't have to look at D4 when she gets upset by this and know I chose this - because I didn't and still wouldn't chose this.

Thanks again for posting.

[Vanilla]

It's odd Jim but from my personal checklist, I know more male than female cheaters.

It's like a doctor saying that everyone is ill, all he sees are sick people.

I have more female friends and acquaintances than ale, plus I go to places where I am likely to meet women who are single. And anyway the things I am told may be biased.

V

[Vanilla]

You know ok Jim?

V

[jim0987]

In all honesty V. no, but that's OK.

So I had 9 days without my kids which was pretty horrible, especially if anyone saw the UK news coverage this week. My little boy is about the same age.

I've had 24hrs with them and I was really happy to see them and they seemed happy to see me.

XW bought OM1 to both exchanges, so I've met him (apparently my request to meet him away from the kids was ignored).

On the first exchange I was really positive and chatty, today less so to the extent XW asked what's up and I said 'nothing out of the ordinary'

In my exchange with OM, I was friendly. Told him we will never have a problem as long as he is good to my kids and I said that I would like to go for a drink with him because I know nothing about him yet he is a big part of my kids life. I also said I understand if he finds that too weird.

Like I said, today I was less friendly but I think that's because XW seemed much more relaxed and its clear that she and OM are happy together.

Just one last thing, after all the times XW told me I'm not tall enough, how the hell is OM1 shorter than me?????

I'm a bit grumpy today but off out tonight so I'll cheer up.

Take care all.