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#2599467 08/19/15 04:25 PM
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Hi all. Just a recap. I got the ILYBNILWU speech but with the twist of can we remain together to raise kids and spend our lives together EXW did not want to be intimate anymore. After a refused EXW did offer to see a C but I refused and it just escalated. I found EXW had an OM who to this day she tells everyone is just a friend OM is a bi polar alchoholc with other issues.

EXW did seek help re her own IC and we did try MC but it came to a head and EXW left for her own flat. Since she's left she has lost about 2 stone is constantly unwell and has been diagnosed with depression. She does call to house most days and makes dinner for kids 3 of those days We do chat and I'm friendly and EXW will text and call me most days.

EXW sees the same L/C I do and EXW seems to be very lost. She states her life is not a happy one but believe 50 % of what they say. EXW has come forward on a few occasions but I won't even attempt to guess why

On the RD front , I was very old fashioned and let EXW do most of the housework and cooking We didn't go out much and I didn't spend anywhere near enough time with my kids. Looking back I never made EXW feel valued and important as her own person
I have now taken over the care of my kids I run the house and myself and the kids have become a unit We have a great life and should have had it sooner but life's funny and it takes something this big to realise.

I don't take all the blame on the M ending and I wish EXW had fought more for US but that's my perspective and hers is proberbly very different

It's 10 months since EXW left and I'm in a much better place I enjoy my kids , I work to bring on my business and I remain in Love with EXW

I don't chase , mention R or anything like it unless EXW does and even then I use the 80 percent rule. I do validate and I don't defend my position because I don't think its something that EXW can hear right now.

That's the Rd story in a nutshell. I've found great friends in this site and I would recommend any newbies to involve yourself in others sitchs because it helps you and them. Life does get better and I'm only at the start of my journey My life will be full and happy again just like us all.

Just s quick shout out to my peps who have more than helped me get through this time

Pink ( the lady I should have married ) Sotto ( a more caring person you wouldn't meet and wise beyond her years ). Vanillia ( my sister from another mother ) Sunny ( always there with the hard questions but ones that need to be answered ) Jim. ( a model on fatherhood and deep thinker , even if he doesn't agree) Bob and all the vets that have helped. ( MrBond )

This is the hardest time in my life so far. All I can control is myself and how I deal with this. I hope to emerge stronger and a much better person

If any of you knew me before this , you would see a huge change and a much needed one

Thanks to you all. Take care. Rd

Link to links
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&view=started&id=36100

Last edited by Cadet; 08/19/15 05:19 PM. Reason: Links
rd500 #2599519 08/19/15 05:51 PM
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Wow RD, that's a great view. Lots of hope, learning, humbleness feelings that will take you to another chapter in your life.

You are doing everything humanly possible and it is up to your W to see, learn and understand that people make mistakes, learn from their mistakes, change the reaction to other peoples actions, see the world in a different angle.

But who knows if she will ever get there, give the M a chance and in a way give herself a chance to make things right, even if she comes to the conclusion that she can share life with you anymore. She also needs that closure as much as you do, she is just blind to see how this will affect her in a long run.

I have a friend in Brasil that told me why she left her H, she said that life was hard with three kids and that she did not see any beauty or comfort in her M anymore. One day, she kissed a friend from work and decided that her M was really done.

She became very distant from her H and had no desire to work on the M anymore. They got divorced and she now think what would be!. She told me she does not regret most of her decisions, but she will always guess if she did the right move and if there was nothing she could do different.

Her little flirt with the colleague did not last and she has been by herself for quite awhile now. She is happy with her life and life with the kids, but she blames herself for a lot of things that never had a chance to be worked on.

Our WAS may never decide to come back, change their decision, look at the total picture and work things out for their family's benefit. But they will also guess at some point in their life of what if... they had given a chance.

Time will tell, and in the meanwhile RD need to make his life work. It's hard to look at your life, yourself and your family and turn 360 and start all over again.

It's hard when you have teenagers (homemade ninja turtles) and just move on. I just think that time heals and it also show us new stuff in life. WE JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN TOMORROW!!

So, lets keep dreaming, there are believes that when you dream you are already half way of that become reality.

I know you love your wife, and I can say the same about my XH. But I also know what kind of love it became. So we can dream.

Thanks for being a person that give himself a 2 x4 on a head, put a face in the mud and then stand up again and change to make himself a better person, a better father, a better hubby to some lucky lady.

With love and big hugs to you and the kiddos.
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



Pink17 #2599859 08/20/15 04:23 PM
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You know, RD, the only thing that really concerns me about your sich is that both you and W seem so...stuck. She certainly is, but you can't control that. And maybe you aren't actually stuck, you do seem to have made some wonderful changes in yourself as a result of all this. Still......

There's an upside to being "stuck", it allows us to take a breather and process all that's happened and what's to come. I lived in limbo myself a long time. I just urge you to pay attention to yourself and be true to RD. Everyone is always urging you for a little "adult GAL". That's for you. We care about you and want you to continue to grow, for yourself, no matter what W does.

We all want your W to come to her senses and work on this. And I admire your patience with her. Just don't lose yourself in the waiting.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
SunnyB #2600640 08/22/15 09:04 PM
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Evening RD,

I hope your having a good weekend.

You and your situation have been vexing me.....

I just want to go back to a post at the end of your last thread where you posted your Pros and Cons list. I hope you dont my indulging my queries.

Originally Posted By: RD500
Pros

1. I love who EXW used to be.
2. EXW stood by me through thick and thin sickness and business
3. I think EXW is going through something Breakdown , MLC or the like
4. I believe ( most days ) that OM is a freind and maybe a n escape but no t romantic
5. Through all of this EXW has been ok. No real spew that I read others getting and left me with everything save for a few hundred euro a month
6. I see EXW and how much stress etc she is under. She was never a large woman but now she is a size 6 - 8 and obviously living a very unhappy life
7 My heart tells me that she is very lost and maybe that's forever but maybe not
8. My kids. life would be better for them as a family and even for their kids

Cons

1. EXW has shown she is a liar , very selfish and not who I thought she was
2. Could I ever let go of thoughts of her and OM
3. Would a new R work and if not could I go through all that pain again
4. Would I wonder her reasons for coming back
5. How would / could the trust ever be restored when I have my issues re trust


it struck me that this list was a fair few ifs, buts and maybes and also lacked some definitives.

So starting with the cons side of things - forgiveness is always possible and unless you are going to live completely closed off then there are never any guarantees that you wont get hurt. with the right support and the right attitude you can get over these things so they are challenges rather than cons.

So if you strip the challenges out your left with just the first one on the cons list - is this too much? What if you viewed this all as she got sick, and that her behavior is just a side affect?

On the pros list, which ones are reasons you would want to reconcile? and which are reasons why you think it might be possible?

and for me here is the key question - At BD she wanted to stay with you just not be intimate. If you could be back at that point what would you say now with all you've learnt?

I'm asking all this because when i read your posts i get a very different sense from what is happening compared to so many others on here - almost like its a question of belief its possible and knowing how which is the biggest barrier to trying.

i dont know i might be on entirely the wrong track, if i am just ignore me.

Take care RD


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
jim0987 #2600657 08/22/15 10:21 PM
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Hi Jim. I always appreciate the time you take over my sitch and your questions would always make me think

Jim I'm going to go into a. Little detail so I hope you sitting comfortably !!

when Sunny asked the question if I would reconcile I had no hesitation in saying yes to my original W but hesitate when faced with EXW

Jim , at the moment it's academic but if EXW wanted to reconcile it would be a matter of trust on my part because I'm not sure about OM. Some months back yourself and Sotto pointed out my obsession with OM. Since then I have relaxed way back from it and now it's a mild irritation

At BD I'm sure OM was not in the picture and when he came to light I do think it was a friendship of some sort. As you know OM has mental issues and is an alchoholc. EXW has told me she is helping him and he is an escape because he doesn't judge her. EXW also has physical problems ( at the moment ) that may preclude an intimate realtionship EXW has told her sister , the L/C and our kids that she is not in a relationship with anyone However EXW does spend a lot of time with OM and he does stay in her flat and in her bed

I do think EXW is going through something but I don't think she would act this way unless she is sure our M is over

EXW has been gone over 10 months yet all her post is still delivered to the family home , she has very little money , she left her four kids , who she adored and is not really active in their lives to a tenth of the degree she was. She doesn't ask for money and has only stopped texting me about how sad she is and how homesick she is since I asked her to. She has been diagnosed with depression and is now on anti Ds. Since thie diagnosis the kids have noticed a huge change in her and say she is returning to the old mummy

Jim in my heart I think EXW wants to return to her old life as I have worked on me and I am becoming a man that only a fool would leave

I'm of the opinion that EXW didn't really leave me but left her old life and didn't really consider her life going forward She does seem lost and maybe she will never find her way.

EXW has come forward on a few occasions and I have closed the door I think my insecurities lead me to jump before im pushed even if no one is really pushing

EXW was here today talking about our past and talking about her visit to L/C. She also mentioned her anti Ds and thinks they are helping

Jim If I look at my sitch I think EXW is regretfully of her actions but she is not prepared to change anything at the moment I'm lucky in that I get no spew and EXW seeks my company when she's in the home She always asks about my health and well being and treats me with respect I have my kids 24/7 and I remain in my home with my pets and possessions I have DBed like a pro. I don't mention R or M even when EXW does and I don't persue I do show concern but only in a friendly way EXW has come forward and has told D14 that she wants to come home I'm not sure EXW knows I would reconcile and i have not given any indication that I would

Sorry for the rambling post jim but your questions do make me think

Re the weekend. Myself S16 and D14 went shopping this morning to finish off shopping for school return. We had breakfast panins and a good laugh This pm EXW was here and I watched BSB qualifying and made dinner. Watching Cowboys and aliens whe sipping wine eating sweet tomatoes with D11 and D14 stretched out on sofas Two boys in the other room watching football. Tomorrow D11 and I are heading to the butterfly farm and then home for housework

What are you upto ?

Take care Jim and thank you for caring. Rd

rd500 #2600733 08/23/15 07:29 AM
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"EXW has come forward on a few occasions and I have closed the door I think my insecurities lead me to jump before im pushed even if no one is really pushing"

RD, this part jumped out at me. My perception of your sitch is that your W has lost herself just now - either through depression or MLC or similar. I get the thing about OM - and he may even be something of a 'project' or a replacement for the loss of her own caring role within the family - IDK. But wounded birds tend to gravitate towards other wounded birds at times like this.

She feels he wouldn't judge (because of his own unhealthy state) and perhaps she feels you would (because of your own healthier state??)

But in terms of your statement above - if your fear currently leads you to 'close the door' when your W comes forward, how could you do this differently? What is it you do at the moment which closes it and how could you keep it a little more open.

I don't think your W is ready yet, but if she does feel she wanted to come home - she may feel you would never be able to forgive, given all that has transpired.

Just a few thoughts anyway RD - enjoy the rest of your weekend xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2600802 08/23/15 05:02 PM
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Hi RD. Thanks for answering.

1st.... Cowboys vs Aliens!!! You know that some actually good films have been made right????? (Although since Im one if the few people that likes Battleship I can hardly judge)

Back to the point in hand...

You know the phrase 'keeping the road home paved and smooth', when I read your updates I sometimes get the image that you have a pristine road the only issue is you've put a police road block at the entrance with a big sign warning of danger - of the umbrella corp variety.

In many of the situations here it seems that the WAS/WS blames the LBS for their unhappiness. For your EXW she seems more resigned than that.

I understand DB'g but a lot of the counter intuitive ness is because of a misunderstanding of the place the other person is in. The vets are great at explaining it and helping others to understand but we have to remember (and they say regularly) its not one size fits all and you have to do what works.

Sometimes diplomacy calls for an olive branch.

Before I spout any more metaphor I'm going to stop, but it might be worth discussing with L/C whether it's worth experimenting with a slightly different tak.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
jim0987 #2600819 08/23/15 05:31 PM
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Hi Jim. Thanks again for taking an interest. It's a tough one L/C is convinced W will want to come home but is not ready. EXW seems ok at the moment She just called in to say hello after work and dropped in cakes and doughnuts Like many , maybe her life isnt perfect but still she seems to have accepted it.

I have a friend that has been helping me through this. His W left for just over a year and they are back together over 7 years. He agrees completely with you and only said on Thursday I have to step up and offer the olive branch

I'm not sure it's possible for EXW to give up her new life but I think I just have to
Accept what is

Thanks again Jim. No do appreciate you input


Take care. Rd

rd500 #2600845 08/23/15 06:43 PM
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RD

I wouldn't offer the olive branch exactly, just make it known it's there if WW wants to take it.

A little more passive.

I am assuming OM gone would be part of the deal?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2600908 08/23/15 09:33 PM
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Hi Vanillia. Olive branch is still in the bud stage. I don't think EXW is ready or willing to come home. She is adjusting to her new life and maybe the anti Ds will help with this.

Im at the point of removing EXW from my payroll. This will increase my revenue outgoings but another step towards total seperation

I have a solicitiors letter ready to go and it basically list my requests re kids and home

I have told EXW that I might need to sell the home as it's quite large and on an acre with takes a fair amount of maintenance. EXW has refused even though she would get 50 % of a decent profit. If it came to it I would have to walk away from the property and let it be repossessed .

bit lost tonight Vaniilia I love EXW and don't see an end to this. I DB and act as if I am friendly but don't pursue. Nothing seems to be changing other than anti Ds seem to be helping in her R with kids. Tomorrows another day

Take care. Rd xxxx

rd500 #2600913 08/23/15 09:57 PM
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RD, sorry you are feeling down.

I am surprised you are pursuing legal action. I didn't know you were to that point. You know very well I understand being at that point, just didn't know you were. If that's what's right for you, we are all here to support you.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
SunnyB #2600928 08/23/15 11:33 PM
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Hi Sunny. Had the letter a while My Lawyer is the ex chairman of the divorce board over here and advised me to sit on the letter for 6 mo the as feelings change and his seen lots of Ms saved He also was worried about EXW and her mental state if she was to recieve such a letter

Sunny , I'm just looking at my life for the next 10'years and it looks tough. If I was to move 1/2 hour away it would mean she wouldn't be able to call in as she feels like it

I'll get off the sorry go round and feel better tomorrow. Thanks for always being there


Take care. Rd. xxxx

rd500 #2601013 08/24/15 07:17 AM
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RD,

My lovely soft daft, kind Irish brother.

I just want to give you a big hug. Have you talked to SIL recently, has she a handle on W? I recollect she is very grounded.

(((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 08/24/15 07:18 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2601014 08/24/15 07:23 AM
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Hi rd

Rough one today? It's OK to be like this. I know what you're feeling. Frustration, sadness etc. all rolled in to one big ball.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Huddy #2601166 08/24/15 06:55 PM
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Hi lovely RD, sorry you've been feeling rough. It's understandable and I do think your sitch is a challenge. I feel up and down and I haven't actually seen my H for a year!! I can't imagine how hard it must be still having your W as part of your lives, in your house and so on. The best advice I can give, is that you make decisions in your own best interests and in the interests of the kids.

If you want to propose selling the house, propose that. If you want to remove W from the business books, propose that too. She has chosen a separate life path just now, and like so many of us, you just need to make your own plans. Of course, you can do that and stand for your M and a possible reconciliation if you choose - but I think 'practical arrangements' shouldn't be put on hold. JMHO, and feel free to ignore!

RD, do I recall that you need to be S in Ireland for 5 years before filing for D?? If that is the case, you guys are going to remain M for a while - even if you do live separate lives and sort out finances. I have to say in your W's case, I'm surprised she hasn't come back seeking more in the way of funds etc. It may help you both to sell your current property perhaps?

Finally, I think there is an answer to feeling the doldrums and that is RD to have some adult GAL and extend himself a bit further.....but that's JMHO - and I'm only mentioning it because I haven't for a little while...

Take care xxx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Huddy #2601171 08/24/15 07:01 PM
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Hi RD,

I'm sorry your feeling a down about things, perfectly understandable though.

I wouldn't let feeling down make you want to push forward on the legal side straightaway though. To my mind it's better if that comes from feeling positive about independent life....

So couple of things I want to pull you up on, meant with only positive intent.

Why on earth would your W not be able to give up her current life? it doesn't sound particularly great to me.

You said nothings changing except the anti-Ds are working and EXW is getting better with the kids. That sounds like a pretty significant something and the kids are a key part of your bond.

Also for nothing to be changing then that means you arent either which 1) isn't true and 2) gives you options to change you for the even better (personally I love Team GB's slogan 'Better Never Stops').

Anyway, I hope you are feeling better today.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
jim0987 #2601174 08/24/15 07:05 PM
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OK so Sotto and I posted at the same time but I'm happy to jump on that RD centric GAL bandwagon.....

For the record 'I agree with Sotto' doesn't flow quite as well, and now I have to get T shirts reprinted wink


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
jim0987 #2601222 08/24/15 09:20 PM
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OK so I agree with Jim ans Sotto.

I am having a baseball cap not a T. I will wear it backwards as it reduces IQ or in my case increase it!

Some great adult GAL for RD, some honest to goodness crac.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 08/24/15 09:21 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2601242 08/24/15 10:03 PM
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Hi rd

I am new to your sitch and will take the time to get up to speed on the details, but for now I simply wanted to say that, It sounds like you are having a tough patch and I really feel for you.

Life can feel like it's sort of under control one minute, then the next second something small happens and you plummet. It happens to everyone and as you really do get the DB process you'll be back on the ball very soon.

Don't rush any decisions with your current mindset, take some time to think it all over, a few more days cogitating and you'll have a more balanced perspective.

Beagley


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Avanti #2601257 08/24/15 10:45 PM
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Hi all. Thanks so much for the support

Vanillia. Not spoken to SIL for a while and I'll wait for her to contact me. Mthanks for the hug.

Huddy. Thanks for stopping by.

Hi Sotto. You're right re doing what's best for the kids. Selling the house would benefit EXW a lot more than me I have my income but she' doesn't have much
I have asked EXW about selling and she has refused saying the kids love the house and shouldn't have to move. Im having a bad few days and need to pull myself together. Thanks for being there.

Jim. Thanks mate

I can't see EXW giving up her new life because she seems to have accepted it and she had 25 years of me and left !!

Nothing's changing. She seems happy enough around me and comfortable I take this as a bad sign because she isn't showing any signs of change

Your right re doing nothing while upset but it feels like I should just move on but I do see how it's more to punish her than really benefit me



Beaglly. Thanks for your comments and like Jim Your right re reacting while upset. Thanks for your input

Thanks to you all. I know I'm in a better place than a lot of people on here and I should appreciate that a bit more. Re the GAL I love look into a few things and see what I can find.

Take care. Rd

jim0987 #2601298 08/25/15 12:41 AM
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Originally Posted By: jim0987
For the record 'I agree with Sotto' doesn't flow quite as well, and now I have to get T shirts reprinted wink
Where's the "like" button?



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
SunnyB #2601367 08/25/15 07:10 AM
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If your wife is turning up unannounced too often and it is frustrating you, have you considered setting a boundary that asks her to call before dropping by?

She's found somewhere in her mind that makes her happy for now and you are definitely in the "friends zone" so doesn't she have you under control? Maybe I am being overly simplistic as I've only been around your sitch for a short time.


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Avanti #2602250 08/28/15 01:03 AM
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Hi sweet RD,

Forgive me for letting you alone during your difficult time. I have been busy organizing my life. I got some time now, waiting for S17 to get out of his guitar lesson.

I learned the hard way about "Boundaries" and I had a ton of advices from many and mainly from our lovely V.

Today, I look back and I see that I always want that contact, the friendly feeling, the connection in hope that somehow the mad man would snap out of crazyness and we would be able to talk about it all.

Well, after all what happen, I came to my senses and now I really want those boundaries to be in place. I want to be respected and I do not seek any connection.

My XH is still a mess. Maybe even worse now. He still text me, but gets one word answer. He calls and gets a voice mail or a short answer.

Now I am busy and I do not need his bulls**t anymore. Now, I am myself and loving it.

What I am trying to say is that as much as this is all so unfortunate. There is nothing that will magically change their mind set.

We see them miserable, but they don't see it. It's very mental, an illness of some kind. But it is only when we really withdrawal or as a DB term...we detach, that reality start setting in and they start seeing the hell that they built for themselves.

In some cases, I see that people move on and they don't look back, but in our spouses deal, it's very sad to see how much destruction is in there.

I would say it is time for the boundaries and realities. It's up to you of course. You are the one that will know when you will be able to let go.

It's very painful, it hurts like nothing else in life (and I had three babies). It's some soul pain when I family is broken. But it is also the time you will look inside yourself and see the man you are, how much life is still left inside of you. It's that time when you determine that you are more important then anyone else.

By the way, I use to talk mildly about some of this stuff with my kids, my young adults. They helped me a lot to make sense of what is more important for me. They are, I am, our lives matter and we did not sin so badly to deserve douch pain.

You will know when you are ready, you will know when you had enough, and you will start the real DB only when that day make sense to you and you will let go.

But, hold your horses tight because the WAS will see and feel the difference. It's not pretending anymore, and they know it. And their reaction is not very pretty.

Think about, take your time, read your books, prepare yourself... you will be fine... you will survive... and you will be happy again...believe!!!

With love for you and your kiddos.
Pink


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Pink17 #2602317 08/28/15 06:36 AM
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Pink, good to see a post from you.....been thinking about you and I'm glad to read how well you are doing.

RD, just dropping in to say Hi - hope you are doing okay my friend....and looking forward to your holiday, which isn't too far away now.

One thing that always strikes me in your sitch is the level of 'open house' you offer to your W. I can understand why - but equally, it does allow your W 'family time' without really taking much responsibility as a parent - and not being a spouse just now at all.

I imagine this may be something you'll want to change at some point. But only when you are ready. It may be that a house move to 'your place' may lead to new boundaries.

Do keep posting RD and letting us know how you are doing.

Take care xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2602363 08/28/15 01:19 PM
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Hi Pink and Sotto.

Pink. Great to hear you. Be nice to see an update on you and the boys

I'm doing better. It's hard accepting the sitch but I do understand I have to Exw
called me on Wednesday to say she was fighting with D14 EXW said she didn't know why D14 wasn't happy. We chatted for a bit and EXW broke down and said she's been trying to understand why she left and feels she couldn't cope with the kids anymore and was burnt out. I validated and EXW said she was also worried about the future. I asked EXW if she was happy now and she said no and started crying. I told her that I wanted her to be happy and we finished the call.

I was with L/C last night and while she still thinks EXW will be home she wants me to move forward and live my life and it was s sort of DB session.

Sotto. Boundaries is s tricky one I don't see EXW much anymore. She is gone when I get home and it's only Saturday I really she her. Maybe my idea of boundaries are really just there to punish her. I'm not sure. My fear of doing things that might upset her is gone I do worry re her mental state as she is a women that walked away from her 4 kids ( and on the surface ) for not to great s life.

Also I want my kids as to have as much contact as possible so it's a tricky one

L/C was making some points about EXW not looking for anything financial from me even though EXW needs it and is struggling financially

To me it seems EXW had /has a MLC of some sort and was lost. If she's still lost or not , who knows. As I've posted before EXW will call me to discuss her health issues ( some very embarrassing to discuss) , her family ,her job and will start some R talks re how we got here but never of the future. She does treat me with respect, she aknoweledges her part in M brakdown and doesn't blame me for anything more than I would agree with. She makes dinner for me , will sleep in my bed ( when I'm not there ) she doesn't look for handouts or even help beyond a good neighbour but she lives apart from us and at the end of the day it's actions that matter.

Your right Softo. I will know when it's right to drop the rope and I like to think I've done nothing to win EXW back other than improve myself. I do t play games and I don't do anything other than what I feel is right I do read on here the MLC is a long process but with how EXW is ( a bit like your own H and Pinks ) she made a decision and is sticking to it

Thank you both for your continued support. Take care. Rd. xxxx

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Originally Posted By: rd500
... We chatted for a bit and EXW broke down and said she's been trying to understand why she left and feels she couldn't cope with the kids anymore and was burnt out. I validated and EXW said she was also worried about the future. I asked EXW if she was happy now and she said no and started crying. I told her that I wanted her to be happy and we finished the call...


Ok, so I am no doubt going to be shot down in flames, but here we go...when we get situations like this do we miss an opportunity because we don't know what to do, DB doesn't cover it?

I say this because it strikes me that when a WS is starting to realise they are in a fog and so it might be clearing, they look around for something they recognise or understand and what's before them is someone who they vaguely recognise but seems alien, so they feel alone. It takes a very strong willed person to ask for help and as a WS likes to appear strong they are actually very weak and so they need assistance yet we don't have a tool in our box to help them, we leave them to come to their senses and maybe reconnect with us at some point. Their confusion then sends them off down some weird and uncharted path and they get worse and our perception of them drops a bit more, the loop then continues until we reach a point sometime in the future when we've almost forgotten who they are, yet there was a thread of a chance earlier on that this didn't have to be.

We are all striving to be lighthouses but does one colour beam or frequency of flashing doesn't fit all. We've made leaps in our thinking so we have a particular flash or hue to our beams. However, they may be unreadable or at an unpercieveable frequency to someone who's been in a fog, so should we try to ensure we vary our output and behaviour so that the WS has something they feel capable of attaching too?

Hopefully this gooble-de-speak makes some sort of sense, but am awaiting the "you've missed something fundamental Beagley..." responses with interest.

As a small footnote, this isn't saying you did anything wrong rd, it's simply what came into my head as I read your post.


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Hi RD

Yours is a tricky one......

I think it was sunny that said you sound stuck and I feel like I agree with that.

Boundaries are an interesting thing because they can be loving or punitive and easily done wrong. The crux seems to be to work out from what emotional place your boundaries are coming from and why they matter to you.

Why do you feel your idea of boundaries would be about punishment?What would your boundaries be?

I'm going to expand the lighthouse analogy for a sec so forgive me if I ramble, and all entirely my I'll informed opinion.

But imagine that at BD, your EXW set off from your family lighthouse in a little boat in a great storm. Things got rough for her and then she found this small jaggedy, outcrop of rock to cling on to as a tiny refuge (OM). It's not pleasant there and she doesn't like it but the storm is still raging and so she is afraid to leave.

Through the gloom she can see you have rebuilt the lighthouse and she now knows what she has left but she has so many fears, about the storm, about the journey, about what she will find if she gets there and whether she would even be welcome.

Her fears keep her stuck and she may need help or an incentive (or both) to get unstuck.

What that incentive is, is up to you.

But RD centric GAL won't hurt either way....

I hope you don't mind my ramblings.

Take care mate.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Avanti #2602478 08/28/15 07:12 PM
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Hi. Beagley. Thanks for posting. I get exactly what your saying. I think the DB view is that if EXW decides she wants to work on an R ,she would have to commit 110%. My EXW has talked of coming home , she does not blame me for M breakdown and says she didn't reject me but our life. She has spoken about herself being in an MLC or maybe having a breakdown. All of this could be taken as EXW trying to open doors or making overtures to work on R but if you step back , she isn't doing anything other than talking. And talk is cheap. Actions are where it's at.

The lighthouse story really says to me that we have to be a guiding light but not the rescue team.

Just my take Beagley.

Take care. Rd

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Isn't the lighthouse only part of the rescue team? Don't we need the coastguard to put a hand out to help?


M 45 W 52
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BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Huddy #2602501 08/28/15 07:59 PM
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Originally Posted By: Huddy
Isn't the lighthouse only part of the rescue team? Don't we need the coastguard to put a hand out to help?

And who can be the coastguard? There's only two I an R, getting others directly involved leads to the dark side.


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rd500 #2602502 08/28/15 08:04 PM
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Originally Posted By: rd500
Hi. Beagley. Thanks for posting. I get exactly what your saying. I think the DB view is that if EXW decides she wants to work on an R ,she would have to commit 110%. My EXW has talked of coming home , she does not blame me for M breakdown and says she didn't reject me but our life. She has spoken about herself being in an MLC or maybe having a breakdown. All of this could be taken as EXW trying to open doors or making overtures to work on R but if you step back , she isn't doing anything other than talking. And talk is cheap. Actions are where it's at.

The lighthouse story really says to me that we have to be a guiding light but not the rescue team.

Just my take Beagley.

Take care. Rd


You are right rd, I like the rescue team analogy.

The DB route is sometimes a bit too black and white, is all I am saying there's lots of grey in the world and I suppose to have a book that covered every shade would either be a large volume or if it was limited to say 50 of them it becomes best-selling "mummy porn". :-)


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Huddy #2602507 08/28/15 08:32 PM
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Hi Jim. Not rambling at all mate. I think your completely right. I do feel on some level I have a certain amount of control because EXW is very friendly and does open up when we talk My issue is the jumping before pushed analogue again

If EXW wants to come home it would take a huge backdown from her and she would have to give up her new life. I think this is a step to far at the moment and maybe ever.

As I've stated before EXW has reached out and does tell me she's ruining her life and doesn't know why she's doing what she's doing Also EXW does seem to want the home life to stay the same Her post is delivered here , she does not want he house sold ,does help with gardening and housework and offers to run errands for me

Jim. I suppose it's like I'm afraid to reach out in case I'm rejected but more than that I actively oush EXW away while she's reaching out

Yesterday she called and started an R talk of sorts and I said things like ' the kids have to get used to it ' and ' it's tough but it's now our lives.' If EXW were saying things like this to me I would be quite clear on how she felt

I suppose I need to stay the course and let EXW do her thing. I do tell
EXW I want her to be happy and I show concern but part of me does think she's of the opinion that I don't want her back

Huddy. The point you raise is what it's all about really For me being the lighthouse is becoming a better person and letting EXW follow the light home if she chooses but not helping her to follow the light other than being the light

Thanks for posting Take care. Rd

rd500 #2602538 08/28/15 10:27 PM
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Originally Posted By: rd500
Hi. Beagley. Thanks for posting. I get exactly what your saying. I think the DB view is that if EXW decides she wants to work on an R ,she would have to commit 110%. My EXW has talked of coming home , she does not blame me for M breakdown and says she didn't reject me but our life. She has spoken about herself being in an MLC or maybe having a breakdown. All of this could be taken as EXW trying to open doors or making overtures to work on R but if you step back , she isn't doing anything other than talking. And talk is cheap. Actions are where it's at.

The lighthouse story really says to me that we have to be a guiding light but not the rescue team.

Just my take Beagley.

Take care. Rd


Can't let this go, I'm like a dog with a bone sometimes. :-)

There's lots of talk of validation, I think of it more as empathy. If you take it slightly beyond the guidelines that are on the validation cheat sheet, is asking questions like, "so you don't feel good about where you are heading, which must be hard for you, what do you think you can do about it to make things better?" or, "if you had a magic wand what would you do?" and whatever the response we say "and how could you go about making that happen?" acceptable? So it's sort of validation with a counsellor twist, is that stepping beyond where we believe we should be treading? What we have to guard against is being too directive or slipping into what appears to be neediness, which we all know is not good.

Is this remaining as the lighthouse and using your beam to guide your WS along a safe path, so sort of rescue team, but not hands on? We think our doors are left open a crack and the road is smooth, when you are in a fog (as our WS's are) sometimes you can't see the road ahead of you, let alone know where you are going, so we make our lighthouse beams lilluminate a way forward form them as well as a comforting and reassuring glow.

When I started on this BB my concern was that there was seemingly acceptance that D was an inevitability and that DB'ing was not being fully applied all of the time. Maybe what I was sensing was that there's an under current that means we end up being almost drill sergeant like in our approach, nothing's good enough from our WS except if it as you said above their effort is 110%!! Isn't this a bit macho (not surprising as there are a lot of men on here) and so we are missing possible opportunities? The machoism being routed in the fear that if we make a wrong move we might ruin things completely. As MWD says in the books, try something and if it's doesn't work, back pedal and try something else plus everything she said was guidance not hard and fast rules.

Maybe I am stepping out of line here, or using too much hyperbole, or as I suspect descending into jibberish, so I'll stop now.


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
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Hi Beagley. No gibberish. I get what your saying In my case EXW has said she wished she had a magic wand to turn back the clock a few years

I suppose it's like if EXW is 60% wanting to reconcile, is that enough or would she bolt again at the first speed bump ? Grey areas indeed

Take care. Rd

rd500 #2602549 08/28/15 11:14 PM
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My view is very different. DB is for self, it is about doing that which works. It is flexibility personified.

If what is being done isn't spinning your groove change it, if it is tweak it. When it stops do something different.

How is that black and white? It's all shades of grey.

It is about becoming, so if R is right at 50%, then it is, if it's not at 100% or more then it's not. Just do that which works for you.

Some may bolt at 60% others not.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 08/28/15 11:15 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Very wise and accurate words V, in other words there is sometimes a judgement call to be made by the person in their sitch and they should be comfortable doing so.

It might be construed that there is an overriding tendency on this BB towards an attitude that >=100% is needed, or else it's not worth it. This is destructive and harming many people's chances.

Having said that it's probably based on fear of taking action unless all the lights are green which is a common human trait but needs to be identified where it's showing itself, although it may not make the one doing so popular as it will potentially be seen as left field.


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- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
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Hi Beagley. I the human trait thing is spot on I always think if they want to work on an R then they need to show it clearly because otherwise you might find they aren't committed in there return

Take care. Rd

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RD

Have a terrific weekend

And you too Beagley, you got it!

Your sis

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 08/29/15 11:28 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Sorry V. only just saw this post, thank you for your kind wishes and encouragement, you really know how to lift someone's day. I hope you had a glorious weekend.


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Avanti #2603087 08/31/15 05:09 PM
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Hi RD,

I will put my nose in the black, white and grey subject here. During DB time I did a lot of mistakes and most know they were pretty big mistakes according to some SBiers.

Finally, after my Divorce, I found out that DB is just a chance that the WAS will fall for you again. The M was broken, pieces are everywhere... it's ugly and painful, it's dead.

How things can turn around? When you Detach... yes, the magic word that so many veterans talk about in this forum. It's when you really disconnect and follow your own path.

How to follow that path? You look at yourself, take your time to evaluate all the rights and wrongs that in your opinion played a good part to destroy the marriage. Once you figure that, you start working on all the aspects, issues that you can improve to became a better person.

Like V said, it is for you and you alone, independent if the WS will return or not. The beauty in all this is that everyone likes people that are determined, strong, happy, self motivated, people that have a lifted fire for life inside themselves that transpire to the world. Then, as you follow your path and let those changes start appearing, the WS that left because the R was somewhat toxic, start seeing that things can be a bit different.

The bitterness that once was the only feeling left, start soften up a bit and they start seeing you as a candidate for a new and more improved life. Then, at this point you have the advantage that there was a past story together, moments that are treasured even after the split, in our case kids that will connect us forever.

Detachment is very powerful. It's when you face the worse pain on this whole process, when you don't give up, but you let go. You are first, you are the center of your own attention and you want to be that person only a fool would leave.

Detachment takes the fear away, makes you look into new options in life, makes you face your mistakes and correct them. You are no longer a slave of that toxic R.

Once it start happening, then you become more attractive, you are again in the market, you are open for life and start feeling a little better every day. And that's when the WS look at you and see what they are missing, they start questioning what was their part in the M destruction.

They look at themselves and the fog start lifting because they start facing the mess that they created for themselves. They finally realize that they were unhappy with themselves in the first place.

The ones that decide do not look back at their M, many times they create a new R full of false hopes, that this time will be the right one, and that they have found what they were looking for. Well, guess what! the statistical studies shows that most of these R end up breaking a few years later. Why? Because the issues were not resolved and the WS still have all the unhappiness inside themselves.

Human beings are very complex and sometimes all the studies, science, religion or whatever can't explain the crazy game of attraction. So Michelle gives us a guide book with many collected information along the years of working with human beings in a romantic environment.

DB is a guideline but it is up to you to determine what works in your R. In this forum I am sure we have all kinds of different situations and different life settings. Some deal with affairs, some with sickness, some just fell apart. Some folks have kids, some don't. Some have money, some don't. So, it is not one fits all. It's up to us to determine what was wrong in our R, where the big gap started and became the Grand Canyon. And maybe work from there and try.

Independent of all what you try, keep in mind that DETACHMENT is the key to success. It's only when you let go, that maybe you will see that you are rescuing.

It took me a lot of tears, pain, regrets, mistakes after mistakes and a Divorce to start making things right. It's when I put myself first and start looking into making my life better for myself that I called my XH's attention.

Why does this happens? Well, I guess that someone smarter in a human being psychology, could explain it better then I. For now I just accept that the veterans DBiers here tell us novice to Detach and improve ourselves, and only this way we will be more attractive and have "a chance" to have our WS back.

RD, you can do it. How? ... you may know or you may want to start getting advices here and trying to figure it out what works or what not.

Love,
Pink


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That's a powerful post Pink, thank you for that. Truly one written from the pain of personal experience.

PP


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T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
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Hi Pink great post and I'm very grateful for your taking time to help me

I really get the detachment part. Since EXW left I have detached completely. I have not called or texted her in 11 months I do answered calls and texted and I do act as a friendly neighbour. We do have R talks but only about why she left and we talk about the kids. I have asked EXW not to text me re her sadness and I have told her I'm not her friend

I have got on with my life and dress much smarter , spends huge time with my kids , and do all the housework , cooking etc. we go out a lot more and have become a close knit unit.

EXW is now on anti Ds and seems to be happier but is still living in a one bedroom flat with very little money.

I don't hang around when she's in the house and only really see her on a sat and Sunday. I'm not always here when she is.

I'm not sure what I can do differently as it seems EXW still cares for me , has nothing bad to say about me and takes her responsibility in the M breakdown
She is obviously very unhappy with her life and although she has come forward a few times he has not said anything about reconciling.

I think she is accepting her new life and just feel out of love. As we all know you can't make someone love you

I have read others posts and I am guilty of no longer improving I could be a lot fitter and while I'm not unfit I could improve my stamina Also I'm not concentrating on my business as I should. It's do ok but it not exactly cash rich and I tend to spend all I have

Goals are something I will think on

Thanks for posting Pink. You are missed and it would be great to read an update

Take care. Hugs and kisses , Rd

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Hi RD, hope you had a good weekend my friend, and that was a powerful post from PINK. I think it's a case for us all that we try and detach, and we think we are - then we're not. And that pushes us on a little further, and we have to go through a whole lot of stuff until we truly detach. It's very much a journey. I'm more detached than I was - but events like this week (hearing news about H) make me realise I have much further to go.

You say that you are guilty of no longer improving....is this something you want to think about at all? Are you happy with where RD is at now? (regardless of your W and your M).

I personally think you have come a long way and you have really been a rock for your family and given them a lot of love and stability during a difficult time. However, what I don't think you have really explored is 'single RD.' What does he like to do for fun? Who does he hang out with? What makes him happy?

I know you are primarily a family man and of course that's where your main focus is. But I would also love to see occasions where RD 'cuts loose' and mixes things up a little. Does something new and maybe has a little 'edge.' I hope you don't mind me saying - as you know I'm very fond of you.....but that's just my thought...

Anyway - feel free to ignore me lovely RD....and hope you're enjoying your evening xx


T 13 M 7
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SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2603151 08/31/15 08:49 PM
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Hi Sotto. Always glad to hear from you. As always you are right. I'm stuck at the moment and not sure what single Rd can do. I get up about 7 I then get the breakfast things ready for kids , I then sort the dogs out and clean up the breakfast things. If the day is fine I put the washing out and then I make sure the cats are out. My current car is only a four seater do I ha e to drop S16 and D14 to one school then D11 to another. I then drive home to collect S20 to head to work. I finish work around 6.30pm and sort dinner ( if EXW wasn't home , she is 3 days a week ). Clean up after dinner Sort washing and then clean a room in the house I normally at a game with the kids and then get their lunches ready for the morning then I get Rd read for bed !!!!

I know how lucky I am to have the kids , animals and house but it doesn't leave much time for partying !!!

I might look at online dating but again time would be tight.

I have started to cook since EXW left so I might look into a class along those lines ( not Sotto giant pizza or how to make a space rocket from cheese type GAL )

Lost is a word I would use , I am sort of hanging on for EXW while not expecting any change and still adapting to my new life I would like an R with EXW but realistically it's not on the cards for the foreseeable future. Maybe one day but who knows.

Thanks for posting Sotto. Take care. Rd. xx

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Rd, with the kids at the ages they are and the bond they have with you, have you considered giving them some more independence and have them do some of the work you've outlined above?

It strikes me that you are using the task you feel you have to do, to fill in time so you can't do some of the things you need to do for your GAL.

Look inside and ask yourself whether you are expanding the work to fill the time provided? If you are, chat with your kids and ask them for what solutions they can think of, so that they give you more time. They'll feel great because they are helping you and you will feel great because you are GAL, that's a win-win I think? When you do spend more time with GAL activities your attitude toward your business will lift too, there will be more money, you'll feel less stressed and your life will feel better, so will your kids and you'll do more GAL activities...do you see the upward, positive spiral that's within your reach to create?

On another tack, I am truly gobsmacked by Pink's recent post, that's one to print out and hang on the wall it's so powerful!!,


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Avanti #2603178 08/31/15 10:36 PM
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Hi Beagley. Thanks for your post. You are right re the kids and they do help but I could get them to help more. Again I don't want to sound ungrateful for what I have so I hope I don't.

Pink is a very good friend and a more compassionate and passionate person you will not meet. She has posted lots of very inspiring posts to myself and others and that one was proberbly the second best one ever. Pink posted one a few months back about self worth and it was incredible. I know we have to be anonymous on here but I have 3 or 4 people on here that I will have to meet in the real world Pink is 100% one of those people and i feel a little in love with her !!!!!

It's fantastic that people can spare the time to be so supportive and over such an extended period.

I have had some very sad / down moments but I have my 3/4 supporters who always post even if it's just hello , it makes a huge difference

Thanks again Beagley I wlll step out of the comfort zone and try something new

Take care , Rd

rd500 #2603215 09/01/15 12:42 AM
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Originally Posted By: rd500
I have had some very sad / down moments but I have my 3/4 supporters who always post even if it's just hello , it makes a huge difference
Hello. wink RD, I really don't know what to say, you are in a holding pattern, and that's fine. I did that for a long time, too, before finally pushing to proceed with D. It's an OK place to be, it gives us time to collect ourselves and think through things. When you are ready to move, you'll move.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
rd500 #2603270 09/01/15 07:43 AM
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Originally Posted By: rd500
... I don't want to sound ungrateful for what I have so I hope I don't. ...

You never sound ungrateful rd.

We are all here to help one another and like you we all appreciate that the more you give, the more you gain.


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Avanti #2603293 09/01/15 12:14 PM
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Hi Sunny. Thanks for posting. I am holding but truthfully I think it's more from disbelief or shock more than anything. I still struggle to understand how it came to this. We may not have been a perfect family but we got on with life and had fun. I know it's sounds silly but our house was full of laughter and love.

The love and laughter are still there just tinged with sadness. I'm not distraught like I was and I'm grateful for all I have , it just seems like our word has been turned upside down and not even EXW is happy. While I know she could be lying about being sad , she has just been diagnosed as depressed which would make you believe the sadness part

All I can do is to carry on and see what life brings me next.


Take care. Rd. xx

rd500 #2603397 09/01/15 06:02 PM
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Hi RD.

I hope you know im a big supporter of you and so you read this in the spirit its meant but get yourself a cup of tea, because this is a tea moment (preferably with some chocolate hobnobs)

What do YOU want RD?

Take away the restrictions, the ifs, buts and maybes and just think about what you want but purely from a RD centric point if view....

I ask because I'm not sure you know, and that is absolutely fine. But what you want is something that you should probably give some thought to.

We have to ask ourselves whether a course of action is moving us closer or farther from our goal(s). Sometimes they keep us at exactly the same distance but without knowing what our goals are we can't tell.

Our goals can be vague and intangible, like something as simply as 'I want to be happy' for some people its more existential like'I want to serve god' or it might be more specific like 'I want to make perfect hollandaise sauce' (I think Sotto's might be that she wants to be a medieval knight wink )

It doesn't really matter what they are, but we need to have goals and plural covering different aspects of our life, they guide us and help give what we do meaning.

What they can't be is goals for another person. That's control. We each have to set our own goals and for us alone.

So what are your goals RD?

I would like to suggest one for you though and that is to forgive, and I mean completely forgive, your EXW for everything she has done and all the hurt she has caused you and your family. To recignise that evetything she has done has hurt her just as much and becaysr she didnt know and different. After all we only really learn when someone shows us how.

If you can do that I think you will be in a much better place. It may not lead to reconciliation and you may decide that's not what you want anyway but I suspect it will help you in the long run.

Beyond that is up to you, but it best include some RD focused GAL or when I'm accross in Dublin I'll have to stage an intervention.

Take care RD and hope you take this with positive intent its meant.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
jim0987 #2603426 09/01/15 07:22 PM
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Hi Jim. I always know you words are written from the very best place

My goal , like so many others , was for a reconciliation and for my family to be whole again As time goes on I realise that this is t possible so my goal now is to become happy again. i have always been reasonably happy and I don't need more than I have to become happy again.

The GAL thing is not for me at the moment , I wil look into some cooking classes but realistically I'm happy enough spending time with the kids and looking after the house

Goals for life are the norm , security financially Health and happiness. I don't have the first yet but it's on the horizon ,health My new kidney is doing well and that just leaves the happy part

Your words re forgiveness resonate with me. Forgiveness may not be possible but time can heal a lot. It also depends on how I look at what happened On one hand EXW came to me with ILYBNILWU speech but asked for us to remain together OM may or may not be a factor but either way she lied and continues her friendship. I do think rather than forgive it may be easier to accept she was telling the truth re no R with OM but move on accepting that there is no way forward for any R with EXW other than a co parenting one

Your words re EXW hurting herself as much as me really made me think and while it might not be 100% true , she certainly isn't overly happy

Life has taken this turn and whatever happens next will happen. If I've learnt anything from this experience it's that I have no control over anyone other than me and I'm glad for that I was a fixer and leapt in where I proberbly wasn't needed

Thanks for posting Jim Your a very decent man

Take care. Rd

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Rd, you know when you read others saying that they hear what is being said to them but they think their sitch is different, they've tried everything nothing seems to work and they have no hope....?

What do you say to them? What does it make you think and how do you try to motivate them?

Take a look in the mirror buddy and take your own medicine, you are allowing the dark side to take over and it's time to look after yourself.

You've helped sooo many others and your advice is great, try some you know it's good stuff because of what you've helped others achieve.

Your friend and ardent supporter Beagley. {{{{man hug}}}}


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Avanti #2603471 09/01/15 10:43 PM
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Heck

I am in for a hug as well

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


jim0987 #2603539 09/02/15 03:25 AM
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RD,

You recently posted on my sitch and I really appreciated your point of view. I truly understand your state of shock and not knowing which way to go after 25y of marriage. I feel the same. I have over 30yrs and wonder often how the ef I got here. I believe my H too is very depressed but unlike your W he will not get help.

One thing I will suggest that has really helped me find my old self is GALing. Both with friends and with my kids. You really just need to schedule something a couple of times a week. Otherwise you get consumed with the house work and you will find that you are not growing and experiencing. I visited Ireland many years ago and it seems that there is a very active social scene with many pubs and singing and dancing. You ought to try it.

You are so lucky to have your kids. I don't know what I would have done this past year without the support and love of my kids.

Time is a healer. And it sounds like you and your W have a good chance of reconciliation with some additional time.

Hang in there and thanks for stopping by my sitch.

Gr8ful


Me: 53
H: 54
M: 31


gr8ful3 #2603718 09/02/15 06:51 PM
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Evening RD.

I'm going to ask another question but as always feel free to ignore, I don't want to push too far.

When EXW gave you the ILYBNILWU speech, how accurately can you remember what she said? Because if I recall she said she wanted you to stay together just with conditions.

I accept what she's done probably has hurt you more than her because after all, much if it was her choice. But I think if you tried to rerun the situation from her perspective with all you now know about depression and MLC etc. I think you would see she never meant to hurt you, she's just lost and confused and afraid.

And even if she's none of that its better to try and view her actions from that perspective.

I guess I just want you to find a way to forgive her regardless of whether and what she has lied about. You don't have to agree with her choices but instead try to understand how she might have come to that point.

For the record, the forgiveness is for you more than anything as its RD that I want to see happy (reconciled with EXW or not). Personally I find even the effort of trying helps me find a little more peace

Right, I'll shut up now before I completly outstay my welcome.

Have a good evening


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
jim0987 #2603728 09/02/15 07:44 PM
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Hi Jim. I just logged on and 'saw your post. I look forward to your post because they make me think but today's one came after a long conversation with EXW I will type it out below but keep in mind it's a rough recap

EXW. Hi. How are you
RD Good You ok
EXW. Ok I saw D14 was very unhappy
Rd. She's ok now just back to school and all that
EXW. Did she say anything
Rd. yep but it's just the usual
EXW. I prefer if you'd tell me because I'm their mum
Rd. ok but I'm mindfull that it might upset you
EXW. Ok
Rd. D14 said you are so much more like your old self that she now misses you more
EXW. I do feel allot more like my old self and I think the anti Ds are working. I think I've been unhappy for the last while and even before I left
Rd I'm glad your feeling like your old self
EXW. ( started to cry ). I didn't leave to upset you and I never want to hurt you I didn't mean for you to end up looking after the kids on your own. I'm really sorry
Rd. you did what you felt you needed to do and I understand.
EXW. I think I am able to handle things better now
Rd. that's great How about we chat about something cheerful now ?
EXW. Ok ( laughing ). But I know your upset over a few things
Rd. only one and let's leave that for another day
EXW. It's only a friend and I think I'm gullible and help people I shouldn't get involved with
Rd. I would t say guilbale but maybe to kind hearted but anyway let's cheer up the convo
EXW. Ok. Kids say your buying a new car , what is it
Rd. a Range Rover. ( EXW loves range rovers )
EXW. Oh. If you get one of the ill have to come home , is that why you buying it ?
Rd. yep , of course it is. ( laughing )
EXW. What colour ?
Rd. there is only one colour , black
EXW. Oh. If you said White I wouldn't come home but black I'll pack my bags ( laughing )
Rd. not so fast you'll be lucky to get a lift. ( laughing )
EXW. I'm glad for you because you deserve it and the kids will love it

We then chafed about her work for 10 mins and she said ,

EXW. I wish I could give the kids some money for the holiday but I can't afford it ( started crying )
Rd. please do t upset yourself
EXW. Your a great dad and the kids are so lucky
Rd I have to get back to work and I'm glad your ok. Nice to chat to you
EXW. I am a bit happier but still don't think about the future much
Rd. it's good your happier
EXW. Yea
Rd I have to ask , did you make the right choice in leaving ?
EXW Some days yes , some days no. I try not to think about it
Rd. ok well I have to go. Take care
EXW. Thanks for chatting with me , it's was nice talking to you

There was more Jim but just general convo. One other point , EXW told me that her boss at work told her she has a bad vibe / energy that's draws bad things to her. I didn't really comment. Also there were two more calls in which EXW asked if she could help kids prepare for Spain , to which I answered of course

I forgot to pack the STFU smoothie today it it's done now and I suppose EXW is telling me she's not coming home anytime soon ( unless she gets a Range Rover !!!)

Jim. I have thought lots about the forgiveness and you are right. I need to just accept what is and let it go. It's tough Jim because sometimes I just want to reach out to her. I am going to make a real effort to move forward and forget the past It's for me and it might make life a lot easier

You will never out stay your welcome and your thoughts on my sitch are most welcome. I sometimes dwell and it's not healthy. Thanks mate.

Take care. Rd

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Looks like some good validation and not taking following some paths that could have gone awry.

It sounds like your W is really struggling and very confused. It must be extremely hard to have to deal with that on top of raising your kids.

Forgiveness is the universal challenge for all of us, it's so hard, yet so simple.

Keep keeping on Rd, just reading that made me realize I still have work to do.

PP


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
PigPen #2603746 09/02/15 09:53 PM
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Thanks PP. I appreciate you dropping by

Take care. Rd

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Awesome stuff rd and you are right, black is the only colour for a RR.


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Avanti #2603759 09/02/15 10:56 PM
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I thought that was a Henry Ford saying.

Big big hug

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2603761 09/02/15 11:04 PM
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Hi Vanillia. I don't think Henry drove a rover He's spinning in his grave. Thanks for hug Vanilla

Hi Beagley. Thanks for stopping by I thought I went to far asking if she had down the right thing but it's done now. Black in defiantly the way to go. Oy prob is inn getting rid of current car and the interior is cream leather and I thought it's too hard to keep clean but I'm looking at one with ivory leather instead !!!!

Take care. Rd

rd500 #2603818 09/03/15 08:07 AM
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Any colour as long as it's black

And black is the new black

Btw I am white van woman!

Rainbow LOL

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 09/03/15 08:09 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2603844 09/03/15 12:45 PM
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Any colour as long as it's black and the vehicle isn't a hearse, but I suppose you don't know you are in that, so it's fine too.


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
rd500 #2603847 09/03/15 12:52 PM
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Originally Posted By: rd500
Only prob is in getting rid of current car and the interior is cream leather and I thought it's too hard to keep clean but I'm looking at one with ivory leather instead !!!!

So from pain to pain, are you mad!!?? :-)

Actually my porsche is dark grey but the interior is black. I'd never have the light coloured interior as like you keeping it looking clean would always be a concern.

Cars are a very personal thing and whatever motivates you is what you should go with, forget the practical elements, enjoy the feeling you get from them, there's nothing else like it.


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Avanti #2603956 09/03/15 07:26 PM
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Hi RD.

Thanks for answering especially with all that you have going on. And good news on the range rover!

That conversation sounded pretty good especially as it was probably more than the cumulative conversation I've had with my XW since she moved out.

Two things though that I'm going to pull you up on, but just because I don't want you getting complacent :p

1) OM reared his head again without you actually mentioning him. I don't believe he is an OM in a traditional sense I think he is much more likely just another lost soul. But either way you have to slay that particular demon of yours either through forgiveness or reframing (and your actions need to show your EXW you have). That doesnt mean accepting him but rather that he doesn't matter.

2) this:
Originally Posted By: RD500
Rd I have to ask , did you make the right choice in leaving ?
EXW Some days yes , some days no. I try not to think about it
Rd. ok well I have to go. Take care


You asked her a question (which maybe you shouldnt have) but when she started to answer you pulled, veritably slammed the shutter down on her. Once you asked I feel you should have put on your best giraffe ears and listened. It may have been hard to hear but really listening to someone can bring its own rewards.

they are minor things but I'm a big believer in marginal gains.

anyway have a good evening RD.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
jim0987 #2603975 09/03/15 08:17 PM
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Thanks Jim and as per usual your right. Believe it or not I have moved on quite a bit since your post re OM a few months ago It does rankle but not as upsetting as before I do agree however I need to drop it completely

On the second point I was kicking myself 1/2 a second after asking and just wanted to finish the call asap. What did I expect her to say ??

As always Jim , thank you I need to be held to account because I'm not completely detached yet.

Range Rover is far from new but it's something I've always wanted and it has 5 seats. My merc only has 4 and I've had it. 6 years and time for a change

Beagley I'm a bit of a clean freak re the interior and the cream leather was a pain When I saw the RR , it's a Vogue SE with the air con seats and I love the toys so that was it. Never owned a Porsche Test drove an 89 911 sc back in 91 but didn't think it handled so I bought a sapphire cossie 4 x4 and tuned it until you could leave 10 mins late and arrive 5 mins early !!!! My first job back in London involved driving a 400i every day and a 928 once or twice. Best ever was a 512 bb on carbs but only drive that once

Jim. Sorry but meant to tell you kids and I finished Hitman just now Another classic

Take care all. Rd

rd500 #2603999 09/03/15 10:05 PM
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The RR does sounds nice and you certainly seem to know about and have driven some awesome wheels, have you seen a Porsche Macan? Crap name, gorgeous car, perhaps not as big as an RR; might have to get me one when getting out of the two seater becomes even more undignified...but we are into topics better suited toward pistonheads.com rather than here. :-)

I think you handled the call well, we all slip up occasionally (most of the time in my case) and frankly the length of conversation and the range of topics you covered is something I can only dream of with my W.

The great thing is you know where you tripped up, keep doing the same thing is stupid but you'll not do that as you are in touch with yourself so take it as a learning point, nothing else. Remember the adage, if you aren't making mistakes, you aren't doing anything. You undoubtedly did a lot of good in the conversation, don't take one small point and allow it to taint all the other positive stuff.

Jim does make a good point but even if you'd had an error free conversation in your eyes, someone else could find a fault, it's all about perception and you were the only one there and you did a great job from where I am sitting.

I just watched a programme on TV about there being an infinite number of universes and there's every chance that in the one where you listened more to what your wife said after you asked what you consider to be a wrong question, you ended up in a big argument, so forget it, you are in this universe and you did well, feel good about yourself.


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Avanti #2604175 09/04/15 02:27 PM
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RD

My other cars a Matiz!

A white van, an old green Matiz (company car used by all), my red convertible Ka, and a broken down very old blue Ka.

Currently I drive the van.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 09/04/15 02:28 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2604507 09/05/15 10:15 PM
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The cool thing about dinky cars like the Ka and Matiz is they are soo easy to find parking spaces for. The convertible Ka sounds like mega fun all that's needed is some sun, have you had any recently?

You are driving the van so you don't have to worry about how you drive, is that right V.? :-)


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
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Hi Vaniila. White van lady !!!!!

rd500 #2604580 09/06/15 08:05 AM
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I am known as a very cautious driver indeed.

V has never had any tickets and behaves very well on the road.

It's just a surprise for young dudes when they see a determined older lady in a white van. I just love it!

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2604892 09/07/15 08:21 PM
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My gorgeous, loving, daft, soft, caring bruv.

Thank you for being RD.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hi RD, noticed you are posting and that you haven't posted on your own sitch for a while - whilst kindly being there for others. Just thought I would drop in and say hello...is the roast on yet??!

I bet you must be missing Pink and like you I hope she is doing okay. I'll deputise for her in her absence - although I can't discuss bikes I'm afraid....only the push pedal kind.

So, how are things going with you my friend?? Any news on your W from recent weeks? Is she still on the ADs? Seeing LC? How are your interactions generally....any change there? And with the kids? Any house news? And most importantly, how are you doing??

See, I have lots of questions....I'm not sure even Pink would be able to come up with so many! Do post and let us know how things are with you.

Take care RD ((((((RD)))))) xx

ps: best not to tell Pink about the huge hug and two kisses though grin


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We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2606510 09/13/15 01:41 PM
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Hi Sotto. Just back from retail therapy with D11 ( two new coats ) and S16 ( brackets and shelves for his bedroom ). Got the new car last Thursday and suddenly kids need to be taken everywhere !!!! We also got huge 99s on the way home !!!!

I just posted on your thread and came to update mine and here you are. Thank you. I hope Pink is doing well but it would be nice to hear she's living the high life and her and the boys are ok.

No roast today , homemade shepherds pie , made by my mum and frozen. I did get up this morning and make a fry up for the crew. I wake them up and have it all ready on the table Big mugs of tea and toast

A few interactions with EXW of late Some good some bad She called me on Monday as D14 has been very down the last couple of weeks and its due to a few different things EXW asked if D14 was down due to EXW. I explained there was lots of small things and EXW wasn't top of the list. Conversation turned to EXW and she said she was feeling abit happier I told her I was glad and I did want her to be happy. EXW seemed to be upset by this and I asked why as I was genuine in wanting her to be happy and glad she was. At this she burst in to tears and said of course she was happier she was on Prozac !!!! She then got a bit aggressive and said she obviously wasn't happy or she wouldn't be on drugs to try to be happy. I changed the subject and she seemed to calm down

Thursday she called me a few times but I was in a meeting that took hours and didn't call her back for 3' hours. When I finally got her she was quite upset and asked if I was avoiding her. I explained about the meeting and she asked what it was about and I told her I was doing the deal on my car. She wanted to know how much I got for my car as a trade in. I told her ( nicely ) that it was my business She got very excited over my car ( her all time fav ) and wished me the best. Next morning I got a text at 7.30Am to wish me luck with HER new car and she hoped I was ok. I text straight back , thanks xx

A few hours later I got another text to ask how D14 and I were the previous night. I said all good and I hope you have a great day and feeling ok

EXW answered straight away with.

Not good, think I'm getting a cold or flu! I'm sorry things are so hard at the mo. I often wonder how the hell we got to this . Sorry. X

I didn't answer EXW then called me 2 times that afternoon but we only chatted and no R talk

Busy with kids this week. Usual stuff during the week and yesterday I took D11 and her bestie to a fun factory and they had a blast. They think they are young adults but show them some climbing frames and a dodge boat !! and they turn back into little kids. D11s bestie loved my merc and when D11 told her it was gone she almost cried !!! It only took her watching Scooby doo unleashed in the back of the new one to put a smile on her face. She a really funny kid and we all had a great laugh.

Last night was chauffeuring D14 and her current bestie ( changes every week ) to the cinema and back DIYing with S16 in a minute and then replacing drive belt on lawn mower

Washing seems to have been taken in from the neighbours and I'm sure people sneak in during the night and dirty the house !!!

Sotto. Thanks again for checking in. Your sounding upbeat in your posts which is great to read. The next paragraph is for you only so read on

You'll have noticed above that I didn't respond to your thinly veiled attempts at flirting with me because then (. 17 mins ago ). I didn't feel I was ready BUT with reflection i am so I would prepose a second date next Wednesday at 10pm I suggest a glass of red with two squares of dark chocolate and at least two posts apiece. I'm sorry I played hard to get but I had to see if you were really interested in me and not just my body !!!!!!

Have a great day. Take care. Rd xxxxx

rd500 #2606511 09/13/15 01:51 PM
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RD, just here to say if Sotto doesn't treat you right, I also enjoy dark chocolate. LOL. You have such a wonderful sense of humor my friend. smile

I'm sorry to hear it's ever the same with your W. But you carry on.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
rd500 #2606512 09/13/15 01:54 PM
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Get a room you too!! :-)


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Avanti #2606524 09/13/15 03:42 PM
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A second date!! Wow...Pink had better get back soon, or who knows where this might lead!! I have just one question. Do I have to limit myself to two squares of chocolate? Do you mind if your dates scoff more chocolate than that?? I guess I could always lie about my 8 squares+

Sorry to hear things are relatively static with your sitch - although I do think your W is making some progress, she's still baking in the oven. Sounds like you are doing well though and having some fun times with the kids - plus sounds like you are thrilled with the car. Maybe that will swing things for your W!!

Have a great Sunday my friend xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2606542 09/13/15 05:20 PM
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Seriously RD, what's your secret???? wink

Glad Sotto proded you as I was thinking the same thing.

Congratulations on the new car, I'm sure all sorts now suddenly need a lift somewhere.

Your EXW confuses me.... I was going to try and explain that but actually that pretty much says it all.

You're a good man, you're a great dad and your EXW can see and recognise that. What she does with that information I doubt even she knows.

Away from that, I recommend 'Pacific Rim' for a future movie.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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Hi Sunny. i think I enjoy my own humor a bit too much. I think I'm hilarious !!!!


Beagley , it's a gift and a curse !!!!!!!

Sotto I'll take that as a yes to the date , I'll be the one wearing the Pirates hat !!!!
Kids a re a joy and I don't know what i would do without them They are hard work but worth it. I'm a bit worried about D14 as she's really down

Jim. See beagleys answer !!!! I try not to think too much about what EXW thinks as I only get confused myself. It seems she is unhappy with parts of her life but not willing or able to do anything about it. You can only assume she is happy enough or else she would attempt to change things It is confusing when you get texts like the one on Friday but I suppose it's just more of the same

Thank you all for posting. It means a lot to me

Take care. Rd

rd500 #2606591 09/13/15 08:42 PM
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Hi all. I was rushing earlier and answered quickly because I had a few things to do.

Sunny. I have no doubt if we were to meet in real life we would be great friends. We seem to share a silly sense of humour and I think a meeting and few drinks and we would be giggling like fools very quickly. On the dark chocolate thing , not only would it be acceptable to see you eat more squares than me , it would be taken as a challenge !!!! My two squares limit applies to each glass of red So eight squares = 4 glasses !!

Beagley. Thanks for checking in. I have 4/5 people on here that always support me and I'm very grateful that you have joined that list. When I first joined this forum I couldn't believe that people used to joke on here because I was so distraught. Any newcomers reading please believe life does get better no matter what happens in your sitch.

Sotto. I'm so excited about Wednesday night ! I was obviously joking about the Pirates hat , it's Wednesday and I'm not some weirdo that would wear a Pirates hat on a Wednesday !!!! It will be a Fez of course !!

Jim. I honestly would love to meet you when you a come to Dublin you have been a stalwart supporter with fantastic questions and insights that help me make some sense of what's happened. I know we all believe our sitch is unique and our WAS is different to all the others and I'm no different I'm lucky that EXW still seems to value me and I get no spew I still live in my home , I have my kids and my income. I do love EXW and wish we could be together but as each month passes I do feel the connection between us weaken. I know you have given my sitch lots of thought and I really value your opinion EXW is obviously not happy and I do believe she is lost however I dont see anything changing soon. My life is good and I'm very lucky in so many ways I think it's time I appreciated what. I have

Thanks again everyone who posted and to those that read my thread please believe that things do improve I was with EXW for 2(5 years and I adored her. When I came into. this forum I was at rock bottom and ready to let go of life. I was so lucky to have wonderful people contribute to my sitch with support and advice Get through each hour and then each day and then each week If your on here it's because you loved you WAS and are looking for a way to help save your M or R. You have found a place to help save you first and then maybe your R

Thanks to my friends You have made a huge impact on my life and I'm very grateful.

Take care all. Rd xx

rd500 #2606622 09/13/15 11:03 PM
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Rd, every day you give me a little lift as you've really got your head around things and allow humour in even when as you say things are tough and you really don't feel like laughing or see it as appropriate given the pain that's being experienced.

Like you, at one point, I really struggled and wondered whether life was worth continuing with but you are one of those that really helped me see what life really has to offer, even when someone so close throws in a hand grenade, then looks to blame you for the explosion.

Thank you Rd.


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Avanti #2606702 09/14/15 09:40 AM
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Hi Beagley. Thanks for the kind words I'm over a year in so its a little bit easier for me to see the big picture ( most of the time ) I see a life coach who is all about focusing on the positives I would not have gone near someone like this before but now I can't recommend her highly enough.

One thing she told me at the very start. W broke your heart and hurt you but in Ws mind she did that once , in your ( Rds) mind she's doing it everyday.

It was that which helped me move forward somewhat

Take care. Rd

rd500 #2607077 09/15/15 02:09 PM
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RD, it's nice to have someone that gets your sense of humor, isn't it? STBX has a very quick wit, and I was always right there with him. If other people caught on at all, they were about four beats behind. I hope the duck is slow witted (is that mean?)

Hope your day is going well, RD.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
SunnyB #2607163 09/15/15 07:25 PM
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Hi Sunny. Yes it certainly is. I tend to look for the humor in things even when it's not appropriate I hope your doing well

Take care. Rd xx

rd500 #2607225 09/15/15 11:54 PM
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RD, we do have thread parties, the kindergarten crew with their silliness and funny ways.

I do love a thread party.

So let me say Moooooooose

Which hasn't happened for a long time.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2608347 09/20/15 10:12 AM
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Are you ok RD?

Apart from missing Pink?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2608372 09/20/15 01:14 PM
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Hi Vanillia. Thanks for checking in. Not doing well this week. Struggling with all the housework , very busy at work and getting ready for holiday

I have avoided. EXW all week and I haven't taken a couple of her calls over the last few days. I don't see the point it seems to be the same old story. Shes sorry , doesn't understand what happened , all her fault , etc

I'm still bothered by what she does but not to the same extent and I have accepted she can't comeback It doesn't make it easier when you think back on all the good times

EXW has told kids she's on Prozac and feels more like her old self

Thanks for checking in

Take care. Rd xx

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Hello RD. I'm sorry you aren't having the best week and hope things settle down for you soon. Pre-holiday can be a little stressful when you are trying to get everything done. I know the housework can seem never ending sometimes.

Hopefully you can relax and enjoy yourself once you start your trip. When do you go away??

I'm sure it is no bad thing to give yourself a break from your W. She is making progress in her own way I'm sure. I think if you can love her from a distance and just live your own life, that is the best plan. It's good she says she is feeling more like her old self I think.

Good luck with the rest of the preparations my friend xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2608401 09/20/15 05:21 PM
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RD

Dear bruv

Big hug

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hi Sotto and Vanillia. Sotto. We are away on Thursday and I'm a biit worried about dealing with it all. Loving from afar is best and as you know I don't get involved with her and live my own life It's just hard a the moment because I know the future will always be tough re co parenting and having info on her life
Thanks for checking in

Thanks Vanillia Much appreciated


Take care ladies. Rd. xx

rd500 #2608430 09/20/15 07:10 PM
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RD, go with the flow, if the toothbrushes are left behind buy new. There are supermarkets.

Take a phrase book, download a translate app. If you ask for the salt and are delivered a squid, laugh your socks off.

It's adventure and it's going to be great fun.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Rd, if your wife is annoying you by recanting the same lines over and over again to the point where it is annoying you, don't ignore her calls, tell her (she won't understand the reason you aren't answering is because she says the same things, she'll make up some other reason in her head). You don't have to shout it just say firmly and evenly that you don't want to hear that stuff anymore. Validating seems to be interpreted by some as just sucking everything up and saying "there, there it'll all be fine dear, just trample all over me and I'll be fine, don't worry about me..." simper, simper.

Maybe what some W's need is to see a bit of masculine backbone so they can grow some respect for their H. I am not talking about men strutting around expecting women to confirm to their every wish, but some strong leadership and direction is, I am led to believe and rapidly realising in a few experiments I've tried recently, something that draws women to a degree.

You strike me as a man with direction and grit, is that something you've lost a bit of and is part of your wife's lack of direction as she's nothing to anchor to anymore?

I'm on potentially dodgy ground here as it's quite new to me to think about it so consciously but I've realised I had become a bit of a push over and that it could of had some impact on the dynamics of my relationship with my W.

I'm trying to find something that's not all cave man and brutish, just a bit of grrrr, rather than too much automatic "yes dear".

Oh dear, I can feel the heckles of some to the female posters rising, I'd better stop, this is potentially dodgy ground and it's your thread not mine.

Enjoy the holiday, it'll be great fun regardless, because you are going to make it so. Pack a toothbrush for everyone and buy everything else out there, they do have shops you know. :-)


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Avanti #2608488 09/20/15 10:59 PM
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Thanks Beagley. I have told her I do t want to hear or read texts about how sad she is. I did this about 6 weeks ago and they have stopped to a trickle. I know I'm making excuses for her and with her depression I do feel a certain responsibility to be there in some form.

The holiday is looming and I'm sure it will be great when we get there

Kids and I went off roading on sat afternoon and we had a great time. We started off slowly and then tackled death hill !!! It's a sixty foot 45 degree grass covered hill that the boys and I used as a ramp for jumping our koto x bikes The car went up no problem and all we could see was sky the whole way up. On the way down the front parking sensors were going off The nose of the car was so close to the ground before it levelled out !!!!

Thanks again Beagley. Take care

rd500 #2608567 09/21/15 08:30 AM
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Originally Posted By: rd500
... I have told her I do t want to hear or read texts about how sad she is. I did this about 6 weeks ago and they have stopped to a trickle. I know I'm making excuses for her and with her depression I do feel a certain responsibility to be there in some [quote=rd500]Thanks Beagley. I have told her I do t want to hear or read texts about how sad she is. I did this about 6 weeks ago and they have stopped to a trickle. I know I'm making excuses for her and with her depression I do feel a certain responsibility to be there in some form.

So you aren't fully detached, which you need to deal with in your own time. Had you considered that by delaying that last little step you are making her sitch more difficult and both of your paths to healing will take longer? Bold steps sometimes need to be taken for unbelievable things to happen.

Originally Posted By: rd500
The holiday is looming and I'm sure it will be great when we get there.

You make what will a fantastic time sound ominous. The journey, including the days counting down to when you head off, is all part of the holiday too. No matter what happens you've got the smarts to deal with it, so enjoy yourself, starting now.

Originally Posted By: rd500
Kids and I went off roading on sat afternoon and we had a great time. We started off slowly and then tackled death hill !!! It's a sixty foot 45 degree grass covered hill that the boys and I used as a ramp for jumping our koto x bikes The car went up no problem and all we could see was sky the whole way up. On the way down the front parking sensors were going off The nose of the car was so close to the ground before it levelled out !!!!

Fantastic fun, I am deeply envious.


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Avanti #2608587 09/21/15 11:02 AM
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Hi Beagley. Your right re the letting the last little bit go As
You know , I get no spew and EXW contacts me most days. I'm very lucky compared to a lot of people on here and I think I don't appreciate it fully.

I'm looking forward to holiday just a bit nervous of handling the 3 kiddos on the way over

Off roading was a blast and you right to be envious !!! How ever when RR tops out at 130 you can zip by in 3 rd gear !! I would have to go home s get the bike to catch you !

Appreciate the banter mate , takes my mind off it for a while

Take care. Rd

rd500 #2608633 09/21/15 01:59 PM
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Originally Posted By: rd500

I'm looking forward to holiday just a bit nervous of handling the 3 kiddos on the way over

Why? They a "soon to be adults" give them responsibility for one another and you. If they perceive they have this they'll step up and make your life easier. Tell them, they'll each get a reward if they step up and if one of them doesn't no one gets the reward, that way they'll manage one another. You will need to stick with this, no giving way if one of them messes up, tough dad time. But, if this happens, find another way to make sure they get the treat, with a new task that involves them all again.

In over words, lead your family, don't do everything and they will each respect you more as a result. Face it, if you are nervous so will they be, so relax and they will too.

Oh and yes, you might catch me on your bike (just) in a straight line but I'd lose you in the bends.


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Avanti #2608745 09/21/15 07:08 PM
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RD, there's always a lot to do to get ready for vacation. V makes a good point about there being stores where you are going, that's something I always console myself with when I'm packing. wink I know you'll have a wonderful time.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
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Hi Beagley. Busy day so just read your last post You car boys crack me up !!!!! My second to last car was an Imprezza STI Type R with 468 bhp at the wheels Full anti lag with launch control It could hit 60 in just over 3 seconds and it couldn't hold a candle to my R1 !!! I do appreciate the grip is a factor but when your so far ahead you could get off the bike , push it around the corner and still beat the car !!!!

Re the kids , they do all do their set jobs and they all help when they can. I have the usual teenage problems but I'm lucky to have great kids.

Thanks for posting mate. It means a lot

Take care. Rd

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Hi. Sunny. I missed your post !! Thank you. I just booked us on the yellow submarine tour !!! a d jet skis. I'm going to have a ball !!! Have to find setting for the kids to do next !!!

Take care. Rd xx

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Just wanted to say hi RD, sounds like you've got an awesome time coming up. Hope you enjoy it fully and are still finding peace despite your sitch.

Big hug,

PP


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
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Hi RD, thanks for your post on my thread. So, the holiday is coming up and you guys are going to have some fun family time in the sun. I know it can be a bit of a headache getting things sorted enough to actually be on your way. But do try and stop & smell the roses. Enjoy what life offers now and cherish those around you. Relax and have a lovely time.....you've earned it!! x


T 13 M 7
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SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2608895 09/22/15 07:42 AM
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Go have lots and lots of fun and sunshine.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2609077 09/22/15 09:17 PM
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Please start a new thread.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Have a great time on your trip RD....relax, enjoy & relax some more. Feel the sun on your face, smell the roses and enjoy being with your kids xx


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SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2611628 10/01/15 10:48 PM
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Where is Rd movin on 10?

Come on mr recently bronzed man, tell us all about the new you, you discovered on your time away in your next thread. Stop bumping Pink so hard and tell us all. :-)


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Avanti #2611717 10/02/15 12:20 PM
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Originally Posted By: Avanti
Where is Rd movin on 10?

Come on mr recently bronzed man, tell us all about the new you, you discovered on your time away in your next thread. Stop bumping Pink so hard and tell us all. :-)
Is there a "like" button on here?



New thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2611788#Post2611788

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