Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
jim0987 #2601298 08/25/15 12:41 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
Originally Posted By: jim0987
For the record 'I agree with Sotto' doesn't flow quite as well, and now I have to get T shirts reprinted wink
Where's the "like" button?



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
SunnyB #2601367 08/25/15 07:10 AM
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 684
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 684
If your wife is turning up unannounced too often and it is frustrating you, have you considered setting a boundary that asks her to call before dropping by?

She's found somewhere in her mind that makes her happy for now and you are definitely in the "friends zone" so doesn't she have you under control? Maybe I am being overly simplistic as I've only been around your sitch for a short time.


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Avanti #2602250 08/28/15 01:03 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,004
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,004
Hi sweet RD,

Forgive me for letting you alone during your difficult time. I have been busy organizing my life. I got some time now, waiting for S17 to get out of his guitar lesson.

I learned the hard way about "Boundaries" and I had a ton of advices from many and mainly from our lovely V.

Today, I look back and I see that I always want that contact, the friendly feeling, the connection in hope that somehow the mad man would snap out of crazyness and we would be able to talk about it all.

Well, after all what happen, I came to my senses and now I really want those boundaries to be in place. I want to be respected and I do not seek any connection.

My XH is still a mess. Maybe even worse now. He still text me, but gets one word answer. He calls and gets a voice mail or a short answer.

Now I am busy and I do not need his bulls**t anymore. Now, I am myself and loving it.

What I am trying to say is that as much as this is all so unfortunate. There is nothing that will magically change their mind set.

We see them miserable, but they don't see it. It's very mental, an illness of some kind. But it is only when we really withdrawal or as a DB term...we detach, that reality start setting in and they start seeing the hell that they built for themselves.

In some cases, I see that people move on and they don't look back, but in our spouses deal, it's very sad to see how much destruction is in there.

I would say it is time for the boundaries and realities. It's up to you of course. You are the one that will know when you will be able to let go.

It's very painful, it hurts like nothing else in life (and I had three babies). It's some soul pain when I family is broken. But it is also the time you will look inside yourself and see the man you are, how much life is still left inside of you. It's that time when you determine that you are more important then anyone else.

By the way, I use to talk mildly about some of this stuff with my kids, my young adults. They helped me a lot to make sense of what is more important for me. They are, I am, our lives matter and we did not sin so badly to deserve douch pain.

You will know when you are ready, you will know when you had enough, and you will start the real DB only when that day make sense to you and you will let go.

But, hold your horses tight because the WAS will see and feel the difference. It's not pretending anymore, and they know it. And their reaction is not very pretty.

Think about, take your time, read your books, prepare yourself... you will be fine... you will survive... and you will be happy again...believe!!!

With love for you and your kiddos.
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



Pink17 #2602317 08/28/15 06:36 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Pink, good to see a post from you.....been thinking about you and I'm glad to read how well you are doing.

RD, just dropping in to say Hi - hope you are doing okay my friend....and looking forward to your holiday, which isn't too far away now.

One thing that always strikes me in your sitch is the level of 'open house' you offer to your W. I can understand why - but equally, it does allow your W 'family time' without really taking much responsibility as a parent - and not being a spouse just now at all.

I imagine this may be something you'll want to change at some point. But only when you are ready. It may be that a house move to 'your place' may lead to new boundaries.

Do keep posting RD and letting us know how you are doing.

Take care xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2602363 08/28/15 01:19 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
R
rd500 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
Hi Pink and Sotto.

Pink. Great to hear you. Be nice to see an update on you and the boys

I'm doing better. It's hard accepting the sitch but I do understand I have to Exw
called me on Wednesday to say she was fighting with D14 EXW said she didn't know why D14 wasn't happy. We chatted for a bit and EXW broke down and said she's been trying to understand why she left and feels she couldn't cope with the kids anymore and was burnt out. I validated and EXW said she was also worried about the future. I asked EXW if she was happy now and she said no and started crying. I told her that I wanted her to be happy and we finished the call.

I was with L/C last night and while she still thinks EXW will be home she wants me to move forward and live my life and it was s sort of DB session.

Sotto. Boundaries is s tricky one I don't see EXW much anymore. She is gone when I get home and it's only Saturday I really she her. Maybe my idea of boundaries are really just there to punish her. I'm not sure. My fear of doing things that might upset her is gone I do worry re her mental state as she is a women that walked away from her 4 kids ( and on the surface ) for not to great s life.

Also I want my kids as to have as much contact as possible so it's a tricky one

L/C was making some points about EXW not looking for anything financial from me even though EXW needs it and is struggling financially

To me it seems EXW had /has a MLC of some sort and was lost. If she's still lost or not , who knows. As I've posted before EXW will call me to discuss her health issues ( some very embarrassing to discuss) , her family ,her job and will start some R talks re how we got here but never of the future. She does treat me with respect, she aknoweledges her part in M brakdown and doesn't blame me for anything more than I would agree with. She makes dinner for me , will sleep in my bed ( when I'm not there ) she doesn't look for handouts or even help beyond a good neighbour but she lives apart from us and at the end of the day it's actions that matter.

Your right Softo. I will know when it's right to drop the rope and I like to think I've done nothing to win EXW back other than improve myself. I do t play games and I don't do anything other than what I feel is right I do read on here the MLC is a long process but with how EXW is ( a bit like your own H and Pinks ) she made a decision and is sticking to it

Thank you both for your continued support. Take care. Rd. xxxx

rd500 #2602470 08/28/15 06:52 PM
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 684
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 684
Originally Posted By: rd500
... We chatted for a bit and EXW broke down and said she's been trying to understand why she left and feels she couldn't cope with the kids anymore and was burnt out. I validated and EXW said she was also worried about the future. I asked EXW if she was happy now and she said no and started crying. I told her that I wanted her to be happy and we finished the call...


Ok, so I am no doubt going to be shot down in flames, but here we go...when we get situations like this do we miss an opportunity because we don't know what to do, DB doesn't cover it?

I say this because it strikes me that when a WS is starting to realise they are in a fog and so it might be clearing, they look around for something they recognise or understand and what's before them is someone who they vaguely recognise but seems alien, so they feel alone. It takes a very strong willed person to ask for help and as a WS likes to appear strong they are actually very weak and so they need assistance yet we don't have a tool in our box to help them, we leave them to come to their senses and maybe reconnect with us at some point. Their confusion then sends them off down some weird and uncharted path and they get worse and our perception of them drops a bit more, the loop then continues until we reach a point sometime in the future when we've almost forgotten who they are, yet there was a thread of a chance earlier on that this didn't have to be.

We are all striving to be lighthouses but does one colour beam or frequency of flashing doesn't fit all. We've made leaps in our thinking so we have a particular flash or hue to our beams. However, they may be unreadable or at an unpercieveable frequency to someone who's been in a fog, so should we try to ensure we vary our output and behaviour so that the WS has something they feel capable of attaching too?

Hopefully this gooble-de-speak makes some sort of sense, but am awaiting the "you've missed something fundamental Beagley..." responses with interest.

As a small footnote, this isn't saying you did anything wrong rd, it's simply what came into my head as I read your post.


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
rd500 #2602475 08/28/15 07:07 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
Hi RD

Yours is a tricky one......

I think it was sunny that said you sound stuck and I feel like I agree with that.

Boundaries are an interesting thing because they can be loving or punitive and easily done wrong. The crux seems to be to work out from what emotional place your boundaries are coming from and why they matter to you.

Why do you feel your idea of boundaries would be about punishment?What would your boundaries be?

I'm going to expand the lighthouse analogy for a sec so forgive me if I ramble, and all entirely my I'll informed opinion.

But imagine that at BD, your EXW set off from your family lighthouse in a little boat in a great storm. Things got rough for her and then she found this small jaggedy, outcrop of rock to cling on to as a tiny refuge (OM). It's not pleasant there and she doesn't like it but the storm is still raging and so she is afraid to leave.

Through the gloom she can see you have rebuilt the lighthouse and she now knows what she has left but she has so many fears, about the storm, about the journey, about what she will find if she gets there and whether she would even be welcome.

Her fears keep her stuck and she may need help or an incentive (or both) to get unstuck.

What that incentive is, is up to you.

But RD centric GAL won't hurt either way....

I hope you don't mind my ramblings.

Take care mate.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Avanti #2602478 08/28/15 07:12 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
R
rd500 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
Hi. Beagley. Thanks for posting. I get exactly what your saying. I think the DB view is that if EXW decides she wants to work on an R ,she would have to commit 110%. My EXW has talked of coming home , she does not blame me for M breakdown and says she didn't reject me but our life. She has spoken about herself being in an MLC or maybe having a breakdown. All of this could be taken as EXW trying to open doors or making overtures to work on R but if you step back , she isn't doing anything other than talking. And talk is cheap. Actions are where it's at.

The lighthouse story really says to me that we have to be a guiding light but not the rescue team.

Just my take Beagley.

Take care. Rd

rd500 #2602480 08/28/15 07:17 PM
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
Isn't the lighthouse only part of the rescue team? Don't we need the coastguard to put a hand out to help?


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Huddy #2602501 08/28/15 07:59 PM
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 684
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 684
Originally Posted By: Huddy
Isn't the lighthouse only part of the rescue team? Don't we need the coastguard to put a hand out to help?

And who can be the coastguard? There's only two I an R, getting others directly involved leads to the dark side.


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard