Hi all. Just a recap. I got the ILYBNILWU speech but with the twist of can we remain together to raise kids and spend our lives together EXW did not want to be intimate anymore. After a refused EXW did offer to see a C but I refused and it just escalated. I found EXW had an OM who to this day she tells everyone is just a friend OM is a bi polar alchoholc with other issues.
EXW did seek help re her own IC and we did try MC but it came to a head and EXW left for her own flat. Since she's left she has lost about 2 stone is constantly unwell and has been diagnosed with depression. She does call to house most days and makes dinner for kids 3 of those days We do chat and I'm friendly and EXW will text and call me most days.
EXW sees the same L/C I do and EXW seems to be very lost. She states her life is not a happy one but believe 50 % of what they say. EXW has come forward on a few occasions but I won't even attempt to guess why
On the RD front , I was very old fashioned and let EXW do most of the housework and cooking We didn't go out much and I didn't spend anywhere near enough time with my kids. Looking back I never made EXW feel valued and important as her own person I have now taken over the care of my kids I run the house and myself and the kids have become a unit We have a great life and should have had it sooner but life's funny and it takes something this big to realise.
I don't take all the blame on the M ending and I wish EXW had fought more for US but that's my perspective and hers is proberbly very different
It's 10 months since EXW left and I'm in a much better place I enjoy my kids , I work to bring on my business and I remain in Love with EXW
I don't chase , mention R or anything like it unless EXW does and even then I use the 80 percent rule. I do validate and I don't defend my position because I don't think its something that EXW can hear right now.
That's the Rd story in a nutshell. I've found great friends in this site and I would recommend any newbies to involve yourself in others sitchs because it helps you and them. Life does get better and I'm only at the start of my journey My life will be full and happy again just like us all.
Just s quick shout out to my peps who have more than helped me get through this time
Pink ( the lady I should have married ) Sotto ( a more caring person you wouldn't meet and wise beyond her years ). Vanillia ( my sister from another mother ) Sunny ( always there with the hard questions but ones that need to be answered ) Jim. ( a model on fatherhood and deep thinker , even if he doesn't agree) Bob and all the vets that have helped. ( MrBond )
This is the hardest time in my life so far. All I can control is myself and how I deal with this. I hope to emerge stronger and a much better person
If any of you knew me before this , you would see a huge change and a much needed one
Wow RD, that's a great view. Lots of hope, learning, humbleness feelings that will take you to another chapter in your life.
You are doing everything humanly possible and it is up to your W to see, learn and understand that people make mistakes, learn from their mistakes, change the reaction to other peoples actions, see the world in a different angle.
But who knows if she will ever get there, give the M a chance and in a way give herself a chance to make things right, even if she comes to the conclusion that she can share life with you anymore. She also needs that closure as much as you do, she is just blind to see how this will affect her in a long run.
I have a friend in Brasil that told me why she left her H, she said that life was hard with three kids and that she did not see any beauty or comfort in her M anymore. One day, she kissed a friend from work and decided that her M was really done.
She became very distant from her H and had no desire to work on the M anymore. They got divorced and she now think what would be!. She told me she does not regret most of her decisions, but she will always guess if she did the right move and if there was nothing she could do different.
Her little flirt with the colleague did not last and she has been by herself for quite awhile now. She is happy with her life and life with the kids, but she blames herself for a lot of things that never had a chance to be worked on.
Our WAS may never decide to come back, change their decision, look at the total picture and work things out for their family's benefit. But they will also guess at some point in their life of what if... they had given a chance.
Time will tell, and in the meanwhile RD need to make his life work. It's hard to look at your life, yourself and your family and turn 360 and start all over again.
It's hard when you have teenagers (homemade ninja turtles) and just move on. I just think that time heals and it also show us new stuff in life. WE JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN TOMORROW!!
So, lets keep dreaming, there are believes that when you dream you are already half way of that become reality.
I know you love your wife, and I can say the same about my XH. But I also know what kind of love it became. So we can dream.
Thanks for being a person that give himself a 2 x4 on a head, put a face in the mud and then stand up again and change to make himself a better person, a better father, a better hubby to some lucky lady.
With love and big hugs to you and the kiddos. Pink
You know, RD, the only thing that really concerns me about your sich is that both you and W seem so...stuck. She certainly is, but you can't control that. And maybe you aren't actually stuck, you do seem to have made some wonderful changes in yourself as a result of all this. Still......
There's an upside to being "stuck", it allows us to take a breather and process all that's happened and what's to come. I lived in limbo myself a long time. I just urge you to pay attention to yourself and be true to RD. Everyone is always urging you for a little "adult GAL". That's for you. We care about you and want you to continue to grow, for yourself, no matter what W does.
We all want your W to come to her senses and work on this. And I admire your patience with her. Just don't lose yourself in the waiting.
I just want to go back to a post at the end of your last thread where you posted your Pros and Cons list. I hope you dont my indulging my queries.
Originally Posted By: RD500
Pros
1. I love who EXW used to be. 2. EXW stood by me through thick and thin sickness and business 3. I think EXW is going through something Breakdown , MLC or the like 4. I believe ( most days ) that OM is a freind and maybe a n escape but no t romantic 5. Through all of this EXW has been ok. No real spew that I read others getting and left me with everything save for a few hundred euro a month 6. I see EXW and how much stress etc she is under. She was never a large woman but now she is a size 6 - 8 and obviously living a very unhappy life 7 My heart tells me that she is very lost and maybe that's forever but maybe not 8. My kids. life would be better for them as a family and even for their kids
Cons
1. EXW has shown she is a liar , very selfish and not who I thought she was 2. Could I ever let go of thoughts of her and OM 3. Would a new R work and if not could I go through all that pain again 4. Would I wonder her reasons for coming back 5. How would / could the trust ever be restored when I have my issues re trust
it struck me that this list was a fair few ifs, buts and maybes and also lacked some definitives.
So starting with the cons side of things - forgiveness is always possible and unless you are going to live completely closed off then there are never any guarantees that you wont get hurt. with the right support and the right attitude you can get over these things so they are challenges rather than cons.
So if you strip the challenges out your left with just the first one on the cons list - is this too much? What if you viewed this all as she got sick, and that her behavior is just a side affect?
On the pros list, which ones are reasons you would want to reconcile? and which are reasons why you think it might be possible?
and for me here is the key question - At BD she wanted to stay with you just not be intimate. If you could be back at that point what would you say now with all you've learnt?
I'm asking all this because when i read your posts i get a very different sense from what is happening compared to so many others on here - almost like its a question of belief its possible and knowing how which is the biggest barrier to trying.
i dont know i might be on entirely the wrong track, if i am just ignore me.
Take care RD
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Hi Jim. I always appreciate the time you take over my sitch and your questions would always make me think
Jim I'm going to go into a. Little detail so I hope you sitting comfortably !!
when Sunny asked the question if I would reconcile I had no hesitation in saying yes to my original W but hesitate when faced with EXW
Jim , at the moment it's academic but if EXW wanted to reconcile it would be a matter of trust on my part because I'm not sure about OM. Some months back yourself and Sotto pointed out my obsession with OM. Since then I have relaxed way back from it and now it's a mild irritation
At BD I'm sure OM was not in the picture and when he came to light I do think it was a friendship of some sort. As you know OM has mental issues and is an alchoholc. EXW has told me she is helping him and he is an escape because he doesn't judge her. EXW also has physical problems ( at the moment ) that may preclude an intimate realtionship EXW has told her sister , the L/C and our kids that she is not in a relationship with anyone However EXW does spend a lot of time with OM and he does stay in her flat and in her bed
I do think EXW is going through something but I don't think she would act this way unless she is sure our M is over
EXW has been gone over 10 months yet all her post is still delivered to the family home , she has very little money , she left her four kids , who she adored and is not really active in their lives to a tenth of the degree she was. She doesn't ask for money and has only stopped texting me about how sad she is and how homesick she is since I asked her to. She has been diagnosed with depression and is now on anti Ds. Since thie diagnosis the kids have noticed a huge change in her and say she is returning to the old mummy
Jim in my heart I think EXW wants to return to her old life as I have worked on me and I am becoming a man that only a fool would leave
I'm of the opinion that EXW didn't really leave me but left her old life and didn't really consider her life going forward She does seem lost and maybe she will never find her way.
EXW has come forward on a few occasions and I have closed the door I think my insecurities lead me to jump before im pushed even if no one is really pushing
EXW was here today talking about our past and talking about her visit to L/C. She also mentioned her anti Ds and thinks they are helping
Jim If I look at my sitch I think EXW is regretfully of her actions but she is not prepared to change anything at the moment I'm lucky in that I get no spew and EXW seeks my company when she's in the home She always asks about my health and well being and treats me with respect I have my kids 24/7 and I remain in my home with my pets and possessions I have DBed like a pro. I don't mention R or M even when EXW does and I don't persue I do show concern but only in a friendly way EXW has come forward and has told D14 that she wants to come home I'm not sure EXW knows I would reconcile and i have not given any indication that I would
Sorry for the rambling post jim but your questions do make me think
Re the weekend. Myself S16 and D14 went shopping this morning to finish off shopping for school return. We had breakfast panins and a good laugh This pm EXW was here and I watched BSB qualifying and made dinner. Watching Cowboys and aliens whe sipping wine eating sweet tomatoes with D11 and D14 stretched out on sofas Two boys in the other room watching football. Tomorrow D11 and I are heading to the butterfly farm and then home for housework
"EXW has come forward on a few occasions and I have closed the door I think my insecurities lead me to jump before im pushed even if no one is really pushing"
RD, this part jumped out at me. My perception of your sitch is that your W has lost herself just now - either through depression or MLC or similar. I get the thing about OM - and he may even be something of a 'project' or a replacement for the loss of her own caring role within the family - IDK. But wounded birds tend to gravitate towards other wounded birds at times like this.
She feels he wouldn't judge (because of his own unhealthy state) and perhaps she feels you would (because of your own healthier state??)
But in terms of your statement above - if your fear currently leads you to 'close the door' when your W comes forward, how could you do this differently? What is it you do at the moment which closes it and how could you keep it a little more open.
I don't think your W is ready yet, but if she does feel she wanted to come home - she may feel you would never be able to forgive, given all that has transpired.
Just a few thoughts anyway RD - enjoy the rest of your weekend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
1st.... Cowboys vs Aliens!!! You know that some actually good films have been made right????? (Although since Im one if the few people that likes Battleship I can hardly judge)
Back to the point in hand...
You know the phrase 'keeping the road home paved and smooth', when I read your updates I sometimes get the image that you have a pristine road the only issue is you've put a police road block at the entrance with a big sign warning of danger - of the umbrella corp variety.
In many of the situations here it seems that the WAS/WS blames the LBS for their unhappiness. For your EXW she seems more resigned than that.
I understand DB'g but a lot of the counter intuitive ness is because of a misunderstanding of the place the other person is in. The vets are great at explaining it and helping others to understand but we have to remember (and they say regularly) its not one size fits all and you have to do what works.
Sometimes diplomacy calls for an olive branch.
Before I spout any more metaphor I'm going to stop, but it might be worth discussing with L/C whether it's worth experimenting with a slightly different tak.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Hi Jim. Thanks again for taking an interest. It's a tough one L/C is convinced W will want to come home but is not ready. EXW seems ok at the moment She just called in to say hello after work and dropped in cakes and doughnuts Like many , maybe her life isnt perfect but still she seems to have accepted it.
I have a friend that has been helping me through this. His W left for just over a year and they are back together over 7 years. He agrees completely with you and only said on Thursday I have to step up and offer the olive branch
I'm not sure it's possible for EXW to give up her new life but I think I just have to Accept what is
Hi Vanillia. Olive branch is still in the bud stage. I don't think EXW is ready or willing to come home. She is adjusting to her new life and maybe the anti Ds will help with this.
Im at the point of removing EXW from my payroll. This will increase my revenue outgoings but another step towards total seperation
I have a solicitiors letter ready to go and it basically list my requests re kids and home
I have told EXW that I might need to sell the home as it's quite large and on an acre with takes a fair amount of maintenance. EXW has refused even though she would get 50 % of a decent profit. If it came to it I would have to walk away from the property and let it be repossessed .
bit lost tonight Vaniilia I love EXW and don't see an end to this. I DB and act as if I am friendly but don't pursue. Nothing seems to be changing other than anti Ds seem to be helping in her R with kids. Tomorrows another day
