I just have to let it go. I agree Cali, if this bring her happiness, then it's her choice.
I will leave her alone. I don't question her or quizz her, heck we barely even talk. When we exchange kids most of the time it's at school so we don't even see each other.
I did see her apartment last weekend and I must admit it looked good, clean and orgnaized. So, my theory of she is in free fall is clearly not the case. She just wants to be free from me and do her own thing.
As much as it hurts, nothing I can do about it. She is a prideful person and never admits she is/was wrong about things, where as I overcompensate and did everything I could to please her and keep her happy.
It hurts me to see her act this way and choose things that are counter to everything she was before.
I will bury myself in work for the rest of this week, take my mind off things, get the kids Friday and we will have fun.
I am not doing the paperwork. W is - my L called yesterday and said he has been in contact with W'sL and the the stipulations will be ready for review next week. W has said all along she wants this D. she has told me many times "I am divorcing you, get that through your head". So, that's pretty clear. I get it.
So I have dont nothing to move this along. It has been her. L says most likely she has talked to her L to move it along in the process.
I'm not as close to D-day as you were Cali or perhaps you are Heavy, but I definitely have that the legal D is what the W feels she needs to be in control and allow her to heal herself. She has to cut all cords to me and the M.
It is very hard to balance acceptance, loss of control, and hope. I see you as at that point where hope is mostly loss. Cali was there and got surprised. Don't know about either of us. Makes one a bit crazy.
Hang in there. We'll keep supporting each other and talking each other down.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I will certainly help anyone who needs talking down from the ledge. It is very easy to get on that ledge. It is a balancing act, no doubt about it.
As for hope - yes, I do feel that my situation is beyond that. W is deadset and there is nothing I can do about it except to accept, surrender and negotiate the best terms I can with my L.
You may not remember but my W really didn't want me to get a L and wanted us to handle this privately with the help of a mediator. I tired that route and once I saw that things were not acceptable to me - I had to get a L. That helped me but made her angry.
Yes, the go along with me no matter what approach, then temper tantrum when you say tried, but this isn't working and I need another approach.
I'm prepared that for all our good intentions to solve this amicably as we don't see any issues may evaporate when the reality of the nitty gritty strikes. There are any number of issues that one or both of us haven't considered that derail the best laid plans.
I think at a certain point we decide that there may be hope in the future some time (@10% of divorced couples re-marry each other for instance), but that it is so low that it isn't worth holding on to.
At that point we need to wrestle with the acceptance & giving up control. Not an easy or quick move.
I'm torn between DB Coach's suggestion and the need to work on unattaching. They are sometimes at odds. I go back and forth. It definitely isn't a linear process.
Hang in there.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Not linear at all. It will take a long time. I have accepted that. I am prepared for that.
I am working hard to accept this for what it is, not the end of the world, but not what I wanted. This is not what I thought we wanted. This is not what I worked for 20 years for. But here it is.
We deserve to be treated kindly and with love and without lies and decit and broken trust and all of that negativity. We are all human and make many many mistakes. That is all in the past.
The best we can do now is to try to enjoy the day, and create a beter future for ourselves and children. I will continue the path of living my integrity and will eliminate self sabotaging thoughts and behaviors. I will stop trying to control others in thought or deed.
No one ever said life would be easy.
I am with you Asitis. You have given so much great advice to so many on this board. Be kind to yourself and know this process with really mess with your mind if you let it. Know what you want, know what you can and can't accept from your W. Is she capable of giving you what you need? Are you capabale of giving her what she needs? Maybe just a lot of time is what will help, time and patience.
I'm not as close to D-day as you were Cali or perhaps you are Heavy, but I definitely have that the legal D is what the W feels she needs to be in control and allow her to heal herself. She has to cut all cords to me and the M.
It is very hard to balance acceptance, loss of control, and hope. I see you as at that point where hope is mostly loss. Cali was there and got surprised. Don't know about either of us. Makes one a bit crazy.
Hang in there. We'll keep supporting each other and talking each other down.
Honestly ... the last round of D.... I was more about me at that time, decided that W and the M no longer defined who I was anymore .. that was the old me. I wanted W to be happy and accepted D was most likely the only way I could remove myself as the source of all her unhappiness as that's where she directed it to I was as detached from W for a solid 3-4 months as I ever had been and I felt good about who I was and where I was going. It was during the mediation meetings I received a few TM telling me she was sorry for blaming me for everything, I chalked this up as her way of dealing with the guilt and nothing more, then later learned W was discovering the same issues we had were now in her A proving to her it was not just me but her issues and faults followed her. A month later W told me she no longer wanted a D, and wanted to work on the M, realized that many of our issues she had a hand in....to be honest .. took me a month or so to really think about it and even then I was not so sure I wanted back on that merry-go-round. Was not the kind of 'surprise' you would think ... I realize most here would jump at that chance but I dropped the rope, was moving on and had my new life somewhat plotted out. As a few vets here predicted it was my choice if I wanted a new relationship at that time. I think this is where MLC and the WAW/WW differ somewhat, it takes so long to get to, by the time the MLCr does actually have a sense of reality and comes to the conclusion they truly want the M (if they ever do), the LBS is so far ahead of them, there actually does have to be some deep thought and new soul searching.
Heavy thing is .. .D or not ... you have kids, there will always be interactions ... and like I said, one can not just toss out 20 years, she is in crisis and my advice is to live your live, detach and love from afar, pray she figures out what put her into this crisis to begin with and sorts all that out, this will be done by her without you really knowing what is going on. I do not think your sitch is over, but like mine I think D is what she needs to redirect all that hurt and pain, hopefully she figures out like mine its nothing to do with you .... be the lighthouse.
I am bringing this post of yours from today in another thread:
Originally Posted By: HeavyD
So wife left me for the AP. She asked if she could have an open marriage in order to be with the AP. I said no, I am not comfortable with this, we have never discussed this before, so no, I am not comfortable.
She continued it to a PA. I then told her that one of us would have to leave our marital house, she chose to leave.
So, in my mind, that is her choice, she knew my boundry and did her thing knowing it would be the end of our marriage.
Awful situation but most of the advice on the board has been to wait it out until the A cools off. D papers have been filed, lawyer called and will have some stipulations for me to review next week.
I don't want this divorce, but see no other way out as this is her wish.
Your suggestion? Let her go? or Fight the D and stand for the marriage.
What do YOU want, Heavy?
If the answer is standing for the M, then I'd put the D paperwork on hold.
When I read your comment "let her go"...I sense you want someone to give you permission to set her free. Well, you've already set her free when you've said no to open M and she's moved out of the house. That's her choice.
Letting go doesn't necessarily mean that you've given up at all.
Letting go and moving on are two very separate things.
One can let go and continue standing for the M.
Moving on means just that...you've elected to cease standing for the M and completely accept that D is the next step. You are not quite there emotionally and mentally. I would aid spiritually as well.
Okay. This response is 8 months after W filing for D. Why so long? Just trying to understand this part.
Were you able to work in staying at the marital house until the youngest is 18? And W paying for half of the mortgage costs? Then after the youngest turns 18, then the house can be put on the market with proceeds to be split between the two of you.
