Sounds very similar to my sitch Heavy. I feel your pain. I am in mediation limbo currently as W is out of country with kids. I have ok days and not so ok days. Today was a bad day as well. I had the realization that when she returns we are headed to mediation. I am thinking that I am going dark but she is probably enjoying not having to deal with me and she has the kids to herself for a month. I so much want my life back.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
Sorry to learn we have similar situations. One day at a time is my new motto. I don't borrow trouble from the future because we don't really know what will happen you know? It's a process - a painful one but hopefully we will emerge as better people, stronger people. That's the goal.
Bottom line my w had a choice me or AP. She chose AP and that hurts like heck but that is her free will and she has that right. I have no control over her or her actions or behaviors.
She must be doing this because she feels this is the right thing for her now. I have let her go.
I have a lot of living to do and I want to live it for Me and for my Kids.
It still feels like she is bluffing me. Is that my mind playing tricks on me? Is that what codependancy is? The urge to call her and say come on - let's talk this through is SO STRONG.
I have not done that for months now hoping it would show her strength and resolve on my part and not be the doormat that I have been over the past few years.
I am so freaked right now guys, not kidding. This is the real deal and I am facing it, staring it down in the face.
I shut up and certainly lose or I say something and lose my self respect. Is my self respect worth losing my family over? Parts of me think "NO" that I would do anything to keep my family together. The realistic and detached part of me looks at the big picture and says "Being in a relationship that shows me disdain and no respect in not real" and will only lead to more pain.
I am not trying to wallow in this, but Jeez, the closer it gets, the HARDER it gets.
Trying to gain clarity and make the "right" decision. Is there even a "right" decision. Is that an illusion? Is the D just a piece of paper and it won't change anything? What on earth would be good about this D? I honestly don't see how anything will be changed by it, except the freedom from my tormet to just let it happen. Again, it circles back to acceptance even though I don't want this.
Hang in there. I think you are doing the right thing. She will have to go through the A & then see how things fall out. She has to let her anger settle much more. She will most likely blast you for trying even if she has been starting to have doubts. It will be too threatening.
If she's starting to have doubts, you'll have time. I think as long as OW is in the picture, you need to let things be for her to take the initiative.
You seem to be teetering between moving on and terrified of doing so and wanting to take action. My general rule is that if I'm feeling a really strong urge to do something, the best thing I can do is not. Everytime I have, not only has it been the wrong thing for helping the sitch, but I stumbled over every part of the action. It is hard to say things the way you want, think clearly, or act skillfully while under the urge. That's been my experience, but others have reported the same.
Good luck. Unless you know something you haven't shared, I don't see that you are running into a point of no return other than possibly be going through a struggle that is you working through things as you approach some kind of decision about sticking it out or really moving on. That's just a little hunch, and I don't have a crystal ball.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Don't try to analyze your sitch and your W for it will drive you nuts! Get your mind off from W and put the focus squarely back on YOU.
You are actually doing really well. Stay on the path you've been on because you're doing the right things. W is one confused hot mess and it's best to stay out of her circus.
I am curious about your L's stipulations. Can you please elaborate more on that? I thought W said she didn't want a D. I am trying understand why you are doing the paperwork and inserting stipulations...for what?
I agree w/ Wonka that you are doing really well & on the right course.
And, I wouldn't mind you two fine ladies from hopping over to give me a woman's eye on the what I relate from yesterday's events w/ my W to see if my appraisal is realistic or overly optimistic (and too pessimistic is OK too, but I don't see that as a danger).
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
We have been informally takeoff care of kids and insurance for them etc.... The stipulations will formalize those arrangements
1 50 50 on kids legal and physical 2. Who claims which child of taxes 3. Who claims which child on insurance 4. One can't take the children out of the city without written permission
And a few other similar items. You may remember that W threatened constantly and filed to have kids 100% of time both legally and physically.
Once stipulated these items are nailed down and she can't change her mind when we get down to the really hard decisions. L said many people do that - reneg on items already agreed on if they get angry or upset on another issue.
I totally get where you are at, I've been there ... done that. I was in a bit panic mixed with a healthy shot of disbelief. I could not understand how 24 years was gone 'just like that'. Throughout this whole thing the more I worked on me and things I wanted to change the better off I was. Then last year it just seemed to click. I wanted her happy ... if that was with OM, alone, whatever I wanted that for her knowing it would not involve me any longer.
Earlier this year, I told the mediator and the lawyer I did not want divorce, however at that point I no longer wanted the M we had either. I understood the many mistakes I made, owned them. Call it what you want ... faith, insight, detachment .... deep down I felt at that time I would divorce and move on, that being said I also told them I felt W needed this to happen, I felt she was stuck and the paper was the only way she would finally be set free to start searching for what truly was making her so miserable .... and these things were not me, OM was not the answer, those answers only she could figure out.
Heavy this MLC thing is not for the faint of heart ... you do have to just go on about your business, live your life and do your thing. Hurts like heck .... she may never come out of it thats the bad part of all this. I was convinced my W wouldn't at one time. Heavy she needs this to continue on her way, love her enough to set her on this journey and continue to love from afar .... The way I looked at it, I spent 24 years with W, not all good, but not all bad. Being D was not going to change my day to day life ... if anything I had hoped W would find peace, seeing her in that state, was just as painful as the sitch itself.
No one knows where this will go, you can only control you, play this hand you have been dealt. Let her be for now, things are going to be moving a bit with the added pressure of the pending D, you need to become the stable force you always have been and weather yet another storm.
