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Joined: Mar 2012
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W and I still live together.


M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8
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It's very difficult , impossible even to detach from your wife while you still live together.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

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I am jumping in to agree here. Living together while trying to achieve that detachment level that you need is really really hard - I know. There are so many dynamics that work against it. Just the daily schedule with no break, the kids, "normal" family activities, meals, reading into every movement, word and facial expression, the temptation to snoop, and on and on. It all makes you focus on the situation too much.

I believe the only way I have come close to detaching while living together is by doing what is actually not recommended here. I had to become cold toward her, I had to become distant and only focus on me and the kids. Am I lovingly detached, it doesn't appear so, but I have removed myself from being affected by the pain. Am I detached - maybe on most days - it takes a lot for me to be moved in any direction by W.

But now I see this level of detachment as a step toward D because I feel very little for W. Not where I wanted to be, but it is where I am.

So - I feel that a physical separation may have helped so much more than trying to work through this at home.

just my .02


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
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I feel for you U-Turn and you are absolutely right about the family dynamics and temptation to snoop. I made my boundaries pretty clear and I would be lying if I told you that it was not challenging.

W and I are talking more and going to a counselor together to deal with her alcoholism and our communication.

I am just taking it one day at a time and not getting too high or too low.


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Hey sad - haven't been around in a while - how's it going?


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 290
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W has sent no contact e-mail to the OM last week and showed me proof of same. Deleted the gmail account and gave me access to phone.

We are still going to her counselor and have stated that the trust has been broken and that it will take time to forgive.

Going on a family vacation for a week on Saturday and looking forward to spending some time with the family.

Had a second interview for a new job last week and stoked about the opportunity.

Been laying low for the last few days sometimes I think this site can be overwhelming. U-turn thanks for checking on me.


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Sounds like great progress Sad - keep it up, slow and steady. Congratulations about the job opportunity, I hope it goes well. Enjoy that vacation - keep it fun with no pressure.

Hopefully you can drop the Sad part and be awesome in WI.

Keep on Truckin'


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
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Originally Posted By: Sad in WI
W has sent no contact e-mail to the OM last week and showed me proof of same. Deleted the gmail account and gave me access to phone.

We are still going to her counselor and have stated that the trust has been broken and that it will take time to forgive.

Going on a family vacation for a week on Saturday and looking forward to spending some time with the family.

Had a second interview for a new job last week and stoked about the opportunity.



Excellent news!! Yes, taking a break from here can be a GREAT idea sometimes . . . slow and steady! Please do come back though so we can continue to help and guide you.

Oh, and time for a new username!! "S&SinWI" (Slow and Steady in Wisconsin) ?? Something more positive!

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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I like your new name Starsky. Vacation was pretty good, a little more rugged than I like, but it was a good time overall. I am trying to put the EA behind me, but I find myself saying snarky things sometimes. Part of me wants to bring it up and let her know how I felt about her friend. Then I tell myself why beat a dead horse? Who wants to be reminded of their mistakes, I certainly don't.

It has been a month since we went to W's IC and we have another appointment on Thursday. She is hesitant to bring me b/c she is embarrassed due to her drinking. The truth of the matter is that she is supposed to be going once a week and has not been able to/ I told her that I am not there to judge her and that it helps me to communicate with her better. I will bring it up in a couple of days.

This may be a stupid question, but what can you do to prevent another EA? Is it a matter of time? By working on better communication/support? By no means do I mean to imply all is well, I know there is a long road ahead. Just want some perspective on things.

Last edited by Sad in WI; 08/11/15 03:14 AM.

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Originally Posted By: Sad in WI


This may be a stupid question, but what can you do to prevent another EA? Is it a matter of time? By working on better communication/support? By no means do I mean to imply all is well, I know there is a long road ahead. Just want some perspective on things.


By being fully transparent, getting good ongoing MCing with an MC who specializes in dealing with infidelity, by establishing strong and healthy boundaries in your marriage, and by constant honest communication with each other.

It's hard, hard work -- and it'll take a good couple of years to fully get back to where you guys were (and beyond). But it can be even better than ever if you're both committed to it, and do the work necessary!


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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