Continuing Limbo

[PeterV2]

True Wonka, we're living as roommates. But it's more than that. She isn't working much. Does some work at the RH maybe a couple hours a week at most. She does a lot of cooking and cleaning at home. Goes out with friends and does a lot of shopping. I'm running both businesses - hers and mine and bringing in all the income. I feel used.

I so badly want to sell the RH as that will really simplify the next step.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my future and how I want my life to look. She may be part of the equation or she may not. That will be up to her to decide. Either way I'm fine with it. If she doesn't want to work on our M then I'll just move on. I'm really starting to feel detached, which I believe is a healthy step.

Yeah, I'm this is not a marriage. This is a torturous endurance challenge. And I'm getting ready to step off this train.

[Starsky309]

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my future and how I want my life to look. She may be part of the equation or she may not. That will be up to her to decide. Either way I'm fine with it. If she doesn't want to work on our M then I'll just move on.

Peter I see you make quite a few statements like this, but I don't think your wife sees your actions lining up with these words. I think she just feels she can continue to throw you a bone every now again and keep stringing you along.

You SAY all the right things -- including a very smart, self-aware perception of the issues -- but I still sadly see you stuck.

I pray you'll get there . . . you deserve to be happy.


Starsky

[PeterV2]

Thanks Starsky. Yes I do deserve to be happy. Actually I am fairly happy as it stands. I don't need someone else's love or approval to determine my level of happiness. True it would be nice if my W would share my journey but she's in another place psychologically and I cannot control that.

Yeah, I'm stuck. But it's of my own choosing. I can't see myself moving my business which is a huge undertaking and getting another place until the RH is sold. We're getting closer to that every day. So I take it one day at a time.

So I just try to detach and be civil.

[HurtHus]

Here's the speech:

I have no desire to control you. I can only control myself.

I have decided what works for me.

I will not live in an open marriage.

I will be married to someone who is faithful to me and committed to working on our relationship.

My wife will treat me with respect and be civil even when we disagree.

My wife will be honest with me even if it's a difficult subject.

I will be with someone who will come to me and not turn to another man when the going gets tough.

This is what I deserve going forward.

Now, whether or not you can be that woman is completely up to you, and I'll understand if you don't want to.

I cannot control what you do; you are a grown adult woman, and are free to make your own choices.

All I can tell you is what I am will to endure in my marriage, and this is a personal boundary with me.

I love you, and I don't want a divorce, and I hope you will come back and work on our marriage with me, at which point I think you will find me ready and willing to work on any and all issues.

I do expect you to let me know, however, and soon, because I'm not waiting forever.

To be delivered in a very neutral tone of voice, no anger or cynicism.

My patience is running thin.

This is going to be something I need to memorize. I'm reading the rest of your thread, but this is awesome. Thank you!

[PeterV2]

I may read it from a printed sheet so I don't have to rely on my memory. Then once delivered I could just drop the sheet on the table if she needs to read it over in case she missed some of it.

[u-turn]

Hi Peter - you have given me so much great and comforting advice throughout my time here - I consider you the zen master - told me about tao te ching (which I have read and think about a lot), helped me with maintaining PMA in my house, being calm, thinking logically............

I totally understand the point you are as I am there too. It's like all we ever wanted was that one simple thing, a real R, that seems so easy but is completely out of our reach in our current lives.

I don't have any advice as I am in the process of exploding everything on my end, but I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and wish you all the best.

[PeterV2]

Thanks Uturn for the words of encouragement.

I'll have to read up on your sitch - I've been off the boards for a while and just trying to get caught up on everyone's progress. Been reading NH115's lately. About half way through.

Yeah the Tao Te Ching does help keep things in perspective. Definitely captures the counterintuitive approach.

[PeterV2]

So yesterday W claimed I was moving on as I've found someone else. This comes as a surprise to me. I would like to know who this someone else is. She said she's heard from someone about it. I told her one of my pet peeves is being falsely accused. I asked her who she's getting this misinformation from but she wouldn't divulge.

She asked me what web sites I'm on and told her SaveYourMarriage and StrongerMarriageNow, but didn't mention DivorceBusting. She thought I would be on on-line dating sites. I told her I was on those for 4 days shortly after BD but got off them when she came back and said we could work this out. That was 20 months ago and she's still pissed off at that as if it happened yesterday.

She does think I'm still on those dating sites but I told her I'm not.

She's upset that I look at porn sites. I told I don't have to. She's clearly upset about that.

She again said the A is over - it's not longer even an EA as OM has moved on. She does still occasionally send word that she's ok through a 3rd party. I told her that's not acceptable. She has to get him right out of her head. She said that was the deal and left it at that.

I told her I've only been interested in saving our marriage for the past year and a half and any information she has to the contrary is false.

Since that convo she's been friendlier and allowed some hugs.

I even kissed her on the lips last night and she didn't protest.

So I tried to kiss her on the lips when she left today and we got into the same old I'm to blame for all the past problems and that she needs time to work out her own issues. She claimed my needs trump hers. I denied that saying both our needs are valid. Her need is to keep a distance from me while she works out her issues. My needs are to save the marriage and get closer together to do so. But maybe we need the distance to save the marriage.

We did leave on a good note. And she said she's looking forward to seeing me play Sat.

I'll continue later - gotta go to band practice.

[PeterV2]

She drove for an hour and a half to come see me play Sat night. Enjoyed herself and gave me a big hug when she left to drive home and asked me to text her when I leave the gig.

She did mention that she wants to go see her IC before we go together. I approved. But not sure when she's planning to do that.

Limbo continues...

[Starsky309]

Limbo continues...

And it will continue to continue, unless and until YOU change the dynamic, Peter. Your wife strings you along, throws you crumbs, you claim to us (and sometimes even to her) that it's all not acceptable, and your response is to try to give her a big wet kiss???



A body in motion tends to stay in motion until acted upon by an outside force. Basic physics.


Starsky