MLC NO CHANGE SEPARATED BUT NOW WANTS D PART 4

[skhdive]

Here is my new thread can't believe I am on my 4th one. When I came here I thought oh H will be home and I will only be here a few weeks.

Just a background
Its now been 7 months at end of August that he left. He has always said all along there is no one else etc.. he hss done a complete 180 in personality where he was the fun, exciting do anything goof around all the time guy to the very angry, sleepy, mad, depressed, confused about what he wants and pretty much just sits around guy.

H recently said he wanted D a week ago on my S's b-day. He has not filed that I know of and is now/still wearing his wedding ring or at least wears it when he comes over to see S.

Not sure what is going to happen? Any ideas on the saying he wants D and not filing?

I have been just trying to detach and just not see him so I can get on with my life.

[asitis]

Sorry. Don't try too hard to figure him out. Could be that he is starting to have some change of heart and it scares him. Could be that he is feeling like he isn't in control of things either regarding you or in some other part of his life, and his need is driving him. Could be that he needs to feel like you give him what he wants so that he feels free, and only then can he feel like he is free to make a choice. Could be that this is what he wants and that this will not change.

Lots of reason for no filing, I'm not going to list them all, as I think you're getting the idea that trying to figure this all out is one of those cheeseless tunnels.

Just take care of yourself, reach out to friends for company and sympathy. And welcome to the unhappy club of getting the D bomb and then waiting and wondering whether or when they will actually move to file. Sorry you have joined us.

[skhdive]

This might sound weird but at least knowing one way or the other instead of being in limbo land wondering if he does or doesn't want one is better for me.

Right now my mindset is the D is happening and I need to move on finally. Now if for some reason he has a change of heart then he will have to say so until then I am going with the I am getting a D and it is time to get back out there and see what is going on!!

[skhdive]

Today H came over and back to holding his head and big sighs etc. However now it doesn't affect me let him be depressed or whatever he is I don't care.

I have started telling him things that need fixed around the house and if he fixes them great and if not so be it. I will figure out a way to get it done. After all he is still married and it is his responsibility too. That is my new way of thinking. He walked out fine, but you still have this obligation until you end the M.

I am all over the GAL S and I are going on vacation, we went to the fair, we went to the beach. We take walks etc.

I still have pangs of geez why couldn't this have worked out or why did he do this but I know I have done all I can do and there is nothing left except for H to meet me halfway and he has made it clear that it isn't going to happen

[skhdive]

So just an update there has been no change since D drop. In fact he probably has become more distant. He has started when he does take S he now takes him to his rental house. He used to make some effort for me very little but now none maybe before it was just a pretense.

No matter what I do or don't do nothing works so o am still GAL and going about my life. I am not needy or desperate anymore. I am disappointed that there has been no change in the 7 months he moved out and really it's been almost a year since all the strange behavior started

Am I losing this battle? Should it still be getting worse? Now he doesn't really even offer to help or see S much.

Maybe new OW? I know can't guess but I can't help and wonder why

[skhdive]

I am rethinking things that have happened and I think H had OW and maybe it didn't work out and he started to come around (back when he started doing stuff around the house) and then I think he found another OW. Maybe this isn't MLC maybe he just fell out of love with me.

[CaliGuy]

I am rethinking things that have happened and I think H had OW and maybe it didn't work out and he started to come around (back when he started doing stuff around the house) and then I think he found another OW. Maybe this isn't MLC maybe he just fell out of love with me.

Change "think" to "Mindreading" ... .not doing YOU any good is it?

[skhdive]

Nope its not. and I see the bold it is what I think. It is just hard not to wonder what the heck?

I know better too! Just must be having one of my I don't understand what happened days! Thanks for the support

[asitis]

And would he be acting so depressed if he found an OW?

Obviously you know you're mindreading, but you are also too focused on him grasping for any little clue. You are going to drive yourself crazy doing that, and having so much focus on him (even if it isn't pursuing in the way we think) will be sending him vibes that won't help you. You are looking for sustained patterns of behavior. You don't need to look so hard. Take your focus off him and put it back on you. You won't miss those pattern changes just because you aren't watching him so closely.

I know did this too. We all understand wanting to get out of limbo. You can any time you want, but that will require you making the choice to get off this ride and throw in the towel. It's not fun to be in limbo, and that is driving the WAS as well as us, to erratic behavior. Hence the need for sustained patterns of behavior rather than pouncing on little signs.

It was hard for me to get off my unrecognized focus on my W by scrutinizing her for signs. It took her bursting the hope bubble I started inflating for me to recognize that I had been unconsciously shifting my focus on to her way too much. And, it took a couple days to make the shirt. But it was liberating, and we all know it gives the R the best chance.

Good luck!

[asitis]

I'd add that looking to closely for signal changes in an MLC is especially problematic. You know how erratic and unreliable their behavior is.

[skhdive]

Yep I know sometimes you just need to read the words that you provided me with.

I see you are proceeding with D. Hope it is going well.

my problem is I want to move on I have even found someone who I enjoy talking to and I know is very interested in me. My problem is I can't go forward there until I am sure my M is dead in the water. I would like to say yeah I am done and over it but it would be a lie because if there is the smallest chance then I want it. I think the reason I have lately been scrutinizing H is to see if there is any hope.

the only thing I see is that he is making the separation more formal by instead of coming and spending time at our house he is asking to pick up S and take him away and bringing him back. He has stopped helping around the house. I do get text messages from re our S and if he can or cannot pick him up.

So maybe that is my proof that it is dead and gone even if he hasn't actually filed for the D. Thoughts?

[skhdive]

My problem is I can't go forward there until I am sure my M is dead in the water. I would like to say yeah I am done and over it but it would be a lie because if there is the smallest chance then I want it. I think the reason I have lately been scrutinizing H is to see if there is any hope.

Any advise on what to do?

[skhdive]

Just an update on my situ - H text yesterday (day before my birthday) nice - and wanted to know how we were going to split things up and now wants 50/50 shared care of our S who he has been absent from for the last 8 months for the most part.

It upset me greatly. With H's anger that he has and is nonexistence I do not want him to have 50%. I told him no way would I agree to that and he proceeded to get very angry. I suspect that he has calculated child support because he made a point to say I would still pay some child support with shared care.

To prove my point yesterday he was to pick S up from school and have him from 3:00 until 5:30 instead he dropped him at the house and left at 3:10 to go work a side job. If he is so concerned about spending time with his S wouldn't he stay and watch him like he is suppose to?

Advice? He wants me to file he said.

[ep0215]

SKH - I struggled with the same thing if you go back and read my sitch. We ended up working out a 60/40 school year split but to make it 50/50 he has to figure out where to make up the extra overnights (probably won't happen) I was afraid it was because of child support to so now I am definitely going after spousal support to make up the difference. I know how extremely frustrated you are. Big hugs!

[skhdive]

Thanks. I am doing better then I thought. It feels like the end of the line and time for me to get off crazy train.

He is so adamant about D now it has to be done like yesterday. IDK why the rush all of a sudden but I am taking my time.

At this point it all seems hopeless and there would be so much work to build my trust in him with all the lies that he has told IDK if it would even be possible. H would have to switch back somewhat to the person he was and from what I can tell around here that could be up to 7 years. We are probably all said and done 2 years into, 1 year from which it all crumbled apart.

Do people ever recover to the point that they want to come back and if they do, I have read they are different people. I can say if H stays the way he is now there is no change as he lies every time I turn around and at this point what is the point in lying? There is nothing I can do about it or judge him about? It seems so pointless. Sorry for the rant just getting it out.

[skhdive]

So the papers have been filed. He asked for primary even though he walked out 8 months ago. It didn't upset me too much because I know there is no way he will get primary. In his emotional state he shouldn't have shared either and my S doesn't want that so we are trying to work it out but I am not sure we can if he doesn't budge.

I have tried to give him a lot of different options of ways for him to see S without changing S's life and moving him back and forth every other day or every 3 to 4 days.

H hasn't been a part of our daily lives for the 8 months and even before that he would leave S alone for 3-5 hours while he went to the gym or "elsewhere".

I try not to be bitter and I still am trying to accommodate what H asks for. I find to be pleasant better then being angry because at the end of the day I have to live with myself. So vindictive behavior no, still trying to apply DB rules through divorce after all he is my S's dad at the end.

[V2pt0]

I know how hard it is for filing day. I broke down in tears that day. Was certainly one of the low points. Try to keep as positive as possible and treat yourself good. My H seemed to get worse after filing, so I hope that is not the case for you.nif he does, do everything you can to ignore any tantrums.