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#2598207 08/15/15 10:11 PM
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RysinMn Offline OP
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Hello everyone,
Today marks my 1 week integration into my cross country move. Now I am just waiting on my housing items to arrive. It's a very strange thing to be alone, and so far away from what I had known forvso long. But at the same time a liberating feeling. Since my departure from Hawaii W has been extra chatty. Most of her chit chat is about me and how it is here. I have been responding but I am beginning to think I need to limit all the talk. I just think it's hard, I want to be friendly but I am not her friend. It's a fine line. Today she thanked me for being so understanding and nice through this entire process. I said "it's cool, and I thank you for your support and offered assistance through this process as well." Do you think that was a bad response or right on point. Other than that things are good. I am going to promotion school in two months. Very exciting news I must say. Let me know what you all think about me continuing to respond to her little talk. I mean nothing is about feeling or anything, it seems like friend lvl chit chat. And honestly it doesn't bother me but I know I am not her friend. It's kinda back and forth for me lol. Thanks again everyone.


RysingMan

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RysinMn #2598378 08/16/15 06:29 PM
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I think it's really odd that after she serves the D papers she continues the contact. I guess if I were served papers for a D I would think of it as if she was saying "Good riddance, I'm done with you".


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RysinMn #2598415 08/16/15 08:23 PM
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Hi Rysin, interesting that she has become more chatty. It may be that with all pressure off and you out of the area, she is coming forward a little. I guess it is up to you with the contact. If you are keen to build a new life, fully detach and not be drawn back towards her, you may want to limit it. Otherwise, maybe stay in touch but be relatively cool about it. As you say - somewhat friendly - but not a friend. Presumably she is still with OM is she?

I'm glad to hear things are going well for you and that you feel liberated. Enjoy your new environment and all it has to offer. :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2600481 08/22/15 05:22 AM
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Sotto, yes she is still with OM. But continues to text me. Today she said, she hopes I have a great weekend and then proceeds to ask is I have plans. I said "yup, I'm going to Charlotte, and I hope ya'll have a exciting weekend too." That's it. I don't know what to think of it. I'm not looking into it but it's still baffling.


RysingMan

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RysinMn #2600488 08/22/15 06:44 AM
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Hi Rysin - my guess is that she wants to keep a connecting thread there. I think it's up to you whether that's what you want, given she's with OM and you're moving forward with your own life.

I would say as a minimum, only offer back 75% of what she gives you, and keep the responses on a DB basis like yours above. Also, if it starts messing with your detachment, review whether it's what you want perhaps?

Above all, I would give it very little headspace and really move forward with GAL and new plans in your new location.

Best of luck Rysin xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2600572 08/22/15 03:58 PM
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Sotto, thank you. At this moment I am in a heated situation, within myself that is. I just found out the W told her mom that our sitch. Got to this point because I slept with another woman. THIS is 100% not true. I Want To Call Her Out On THIS So badly. What do you guys think. I mean how can she try and be friendly yet trash my name to her family. Knowing how close we all are. I came here because I am heated and I don't want to do the wrong thing. Thanks for the advice


RysingMan

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RysinMn #2600576 08/22/15 04:13 PM
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Hi Rysin - ouch! Can I ask how you found out please? I personally would call her on that one - along the lies of....

I have heard that your M believes our M ended because I was unfaithful. I do hope you haven't lied to your family about this. That would be disrespectful and inappropriate. If you have, please know that I won't lie to them about why our M has ended, so I suggest you set the record straight.

I think this doesn't say you will tell them - but that you may....but do let vets chime in first..

Are you sure this is what she has actually told them though if you are hearing it third hand? In my H's case - he 'assumed' his parents 'knew' he had an A and he didn't tell them at first. It was only once I told him he needed to be honest about what had happened (they were being very cool with me) that he did (as far as I know anyway!) tell them.


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2600588 08/22/15 04:43 PM
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W's brother told me. He said their mom said I had cheated and slept with another woman. And he tried to tell her it was a lie but she said, W was certain that I had slept with abother woman and that is why she had the affair. Right now I'm like WTF.I would never do that and it is completely insulting to me, what she has been spreading, although her dad and brother know the truth she has spread these lies to the rest of the family.


RysingMan

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RysinMn #2600595 08/22/15 05:07 PM
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Well, I think if most of her family already know the truth, I would probably leave it. I would bet that her Mum does not want to think that her D was the one to bring about the end of her M upon herself through her infidelity.

Your W may not even have lied about it - but equally from your sitch you have said before that your W believed you may have been unfaithful even though you weren't. The thing is, I think it is difficult to tell your parents - I had an affair.

My guess is that her husband and S will call W's mother out on it, even if you do nothing. If you have already had that convo with W's brother, he'll know from your reaction that you are pretty upset about it.

I put out a bat call to Sandi on newcomers...maybe she'll stop by too. Don't do anything just yet while you are upset....


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
RysinMn #2600596 08/22/15 05:09 PM
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If she won't listen to her son & husband, she isn't going to listen to you. She's bought into whatever your W is selling. Tough call. Does her gossiping have any real impact on you? I mean, if you were D already, would it matter? Or would it just be spiteful gossip to people who aren't apart of your life? Personally, if I was holding on to a R with my H, I would set the record straight as best I could. If R wasn't a possibility, I'd shake it off & only speak to it if directly asked/accused. That's just me.


M: 43 H: 40 M: 18y
S17,D13 D12
IC 11/2014
BD 4/16/15
H home 6/25/15
OW2 EA 6/26/15
MC started 7/22/15
Baby stepping....
Sotto #2600623 08/22/15 07:55 PM
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Sotto,
Thanks for the advice and after cooling down I realize it's best to just let it be. There is no sight of R even on my end anymore, and I just need to let it go. It just bothered me that she would be willing to paint me as such a cheap, unfaithful person after all this time. Just kinda hurts. Because even though, she did what she did I believed she was still a good person inside. But this action makes me feel like she is now an apple with a rotten core. And I hate feeling that way, even telling myself, that people in her position, always tend to cling to anything they can to justify their actions. And I know it has no real impact on me, but it still hurts all the same. She was always a wonderful, kind person. But thanks everyone for being there for me, I was stressed out.


RysingMan

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RysinMn #2600627 08/22/15 08:11 PM
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Hi Rysin, I don't think she is an apple with a rotten core. What I think is that she may be struggling with the stigma and the shame of having had an A, with having to tell her parents that. Also, I think with your W there was a fear of a possible betrayal from you. And it sounded to me that, at times, she had almost convinced herself that you had been intimate with other(s) even though it wasnt the case.

I think you are right in that she may be clinging to this to justify her actions. Whilst it's hard, if you can find compassion within yourself I think that is the best thing. Where she is, isn't a nice place to be.

I'm not saying what she is doing is right of course - but just trying to offer another perspective on it.

Take care, and have a good weekend x

Last edited by Sotto; 08/22/15 08:12 PM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2600631 08/22/15 08:42 PM
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Sotto,
Sure will and thank you for the nice taste of perspective. No one is without flaws or fault. I know she is going through a very rough time right now. Coming to terms with everything that has happened, and I know it's hard for her as well. I just gotta breathe relax and remember to always hunt the good stuff!


RysingMan

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RysinMn #2600665 08/22/15 11:11 PM
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Wow! Hearing what W says about you do you really want to continue to communicate with her anymore? Would you have any kind of communication with someone else that does that? Actions have consequences. But that's up to you.


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mvgfwd2 #2600730 08/23/15 07:01 AM
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Sotto is probably dead on. I know my H said he looked for anything to justify what he did to smother his feelings of guilt. He had one divorcing friend who he could basically trash me to that would validate his behavior. Sounds like it could be the same type of situation. Mom won't condemn her actions & pacifies/validates her justification. This helps her push her guilt down. You've done really great throughout your sitch, this doesn't define who you were or are. Somewhere inside your W is the girl you loved, right now that girl is being possessed by a monster of her own making. She's not rotten, just lost in fantasyland. Keep moving forward, there is so much more out there just waiting for you.


M: 43 H: 40 M: 18y
S17,D13 D12
IC 11/2014
BD 4/16/15
H home 6/25/15
OW2 EA 6/26/15
MC started 7/22/15
Baby stepping....
Clairee #2600911 08/23/15 09:40 PM
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Thank you everyone for the input. I have decided to, keep all contact to the most important stuff. No more chit chat. I was worried about coming off mean, but the more I think about the sitch, I'm just inviting her to continue this trend and feel it's ok doing what she's doing because I'm still there for her when she wants to be buddy buddy with me. Well that ends today. Thank you all again.


RysingMan

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RysinMn #2601061 08/24/15 01:27 PM
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Look forward, be relentless! (my motto)

A favorite quote from Calvin Coolidge

"Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not: Nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not: the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent."


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mvgfwd2 #2601083 08/24/15 02:27 PM
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Rys

Best thing I did was going NC apart from Daughter stuff and financials.

You've moved on, she can see that.....tough sh1t , she made her choice.

you have no children and any divorce stuff should be handled by your lawyer.
To me its just more image control...."oh look, me and rys aren't together anymore, its his fault but we're still friends, everyone move on there's nothing to see here" absolute bullsh1t.

You've come a million miles from where you were, don't look back now.

NC all the way....there's an amazing future in front of you....you don't need people who treat you like she did in it


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Ontheup #2601653 08/26/15 03:05 AM
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Thanks ontheup,
I have decided I want to address the matter of all the small talk she tries to do with me. It's a constant barrage of questions like, hey there what are you planning on exploring today, what did you eat today, how are you liking it, and I mean the list goes on and it's only during the work time and weekdays. I do not want to just ignore the texts. I actually want to express that she is in a relationship with another man and even though I am being nice to her we are not friends. I do not want to hear from her unless it has to do with the dogs. But HOW do I express this without putting a rift between us and turning this thing from cordial to what I fear it will become. Please any ideas are greatly appreciated.


RysingMan

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RysinMn #2601685 08/26/15 06:43 AM
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Hi Rysin, well I guess given the geographical distance - you could just completely ignore. Or maybe you could tell her that this regular TMing it isn't working for you. She's in a R with someone else and given all that has passed, you and she are not 'friends.' Of course if there is anything to do with the dogs, she's welcome to get in touch. Equally, might you suggest moving comms over to email.....so it's less instant when she contacts?

I agree that you need to do something as she's behaving like W or BF, when she's in a R with OM. I can see why that wouldn't work for you.

I'm no vet of course, but just throwing a few things out there. Hopefully someone more experienced will stop by too... smile


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2601836 08/26/15 06:38 PM
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I think you have various ways to deal with it:

You could automatically have here texts go to spam folder where they sit in a separate folder until you want to see if there is anything worth responding to. If it goes to spam you won't even see it until you open that folder. When you aren't responding to the garbage anymore she will eventually stop.

You could say something like "I've met some new people so I won't be able to chit-chat anymore, except for the dogs". You have met new people but of course she will assume a female. Let her stew in her own insane world. I like this approach because I have a little devil in me.

You could just flat out say "you are divorcing me and you are in another relationship, I don't want any part of that and have moved on, please keep the communications to just about the dogs"

etc.

combine the spam folder with any other option for optimum peace of mind.


Me:49 W:45
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mvgfwd2 #2601868 08/26/15 08:11 PM
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Ooh, I like option B too - maybe I too have a little devil in me!! grin grin grin


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BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2601896 08/26/15 10:12 PM
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Hmm option b would be funny because no doubt she would presume you mean a woman...

In my sitch I just don't respond to anything that isn't daughter or financial related. Again a little different as I do have to speak to her daily when I/she ring our daughter.
IM civil and friendly but don't get involved in any small talk. I ask nothing about her life. When she does sometimes try and chat I just cut the conversation. Not in a rude way, I just don't answer with responses that lead.


If you do want to say something then what about along the lines of " ex under the circumstances it isn't appropriate that there is contact between us unless it relates to the dogs" any divorce communication should go through your lawyer.
No need to be nasty, no need to show emotion one way or another... Just straight to the point, business like.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Ontheup #2601958 08/27/15 01:28 AM
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option B has a lot potential. It says in a nice way I'm moving on. It's doesn't say you don't want to communicate but you "can't" by something out of your control. And it of course it has the mystery. Combined with moving the texts to a spam folder is a peaceful way to exit.

Last edited by mvgfwd2; 08/27/15 01:29 AM.

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mvgfwd2 #2602029 08/27/15 07:15 AM
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Yes, and if you didn't want to use the 'Im meeting new people - you could use a variatiion of that....."Things have become so busy here...I won't be able to chit chat....then you can add on the end. Settling in well though & meeting some great new people - take care W.

Then do the spam thing and ignore, ignore, ignore.....


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2603591 09/02/15 11:00 AM
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Good morning everyone, I figured I will update everyone on my sitch. I weighed everyone's ideas and input and I came to the conclusion I was going to be open and honest with W about the texting constantly. I told her that I appreciated her checking in on me when I moved away and making sure that I got settled in without issues but as of lately I have noticed she is constantly texting me. I continued by saying that at this time she has chosen her path, and all this contact is not helping me move forward on my path. I stayed open with her I felt it was the right thing to do. I told her that I still loved her and I probably always would but that I have accepted and ok with our lives now moving apart. and if she understands where I'm coming from then she knows always hearing from her is not helping my sitch.

I told W I don't mind a check in every once in a while but I do not want her contacting me daily. I expressed to her that if she needs to contact me about the dogs that I will be available 24/7. She started crying and said she understands, I thanked her for everything and her understanding of my feelings and we said goodbye. That was a very tough conversation but I know it was for the best. I feel this action draws a line in the sand. before I would just communicate back and forth with her as buddies. Now she realizes we can't be just buddies.

I will keep everyone posted on the next few weeks. Please feel free to critique my approach and give me pointers I could have done better.


RysingMan

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Hi Rysin, that sounds fair enough to me. You dealt with it in an authentic way, and with integrity & respect for her. Really the message was - hey, it just doesnt work for me to be text-chatting daily (like close friends or spouses) when you are in a new R. That's fair enough I think.

The only tiny tweak I would suggest is the 'loving for ever' comment, but I think it is okay to say you love her & you accept and are ok with your lives moving apart.

She clearly received and understood the message and it will be interesting to see what transpires now. She may well have some withdrawal from the texting back and forth to you. Maybe you'll receive nothing for a while now - or maybe some doggy communications. Either way, I hope you are building a happy life for yourself over there and making new friends.

Take care xx

Last edited by Sotto; 09/02/15 11:59 AM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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