Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,016
U
Uphill Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,016
Sotto, this is the approach that I was leaning towards. I just wanted to get some input before the question came.

Azzork, her schedule did not change at all. I personally think it is a control thing? There was nothing wrong or any conflicts with the original schedule. I agreed to the second one just to "not cause another storm". It made no huge difference it was just flip flopping weeks. This time she wants to shake the ship and change it all up.


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,119
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,119
The other thing is to make this about your S, not either of you as much as possible. First, it is probably best for your S to have as stable an arrangement as possible while such a big part of his life has become unstable. Her wanting to change a couple time in the past few weeks has you concerned about that, and you want to find an arrangement that is best for him that also is manageable for both of you.

If you have an IC, you can discuss this w/ him/her, and they will almost certainly confirm this, and you can then say that this was something they raised as a concern. Again, that makes it not about you or a power struggle about who is right or knows best.

Second, lead w/ the impact on the S about the particular schedule she proposed. "I'm concerned that the schedule you've suggested will make it difficult for S to have as much child-parent time because it will be difficult for you to give him as much time and attention on the days you've proposed."

Then, ask her "Given those, what do you think is best?" Not what she wants. Not what you want. What is best (implying best for S4, but leave it open ended because you are thinking about yourselves as well). It also shows you working cooperatively to solve a problem rather than in conflict over who is in control. If she goes down that path with you (and she may not), you start building a pattern of working well as co-parents to solve your problems in a pleasant way. That is important regardless of the outcome of your R, but it also plants a seed w/ her that you are someone who she works well w/ and is pleasant to work with. That is much better for the R prospects than the alternative.

I'd add that I might be the one to raise this. "I've been thinking about your proposal..." rather than having you raise it. You demonstrate that you take her request seriously and that you have actually been thinking about it is more convincing to her.

Good luck.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,016
U
Uphill Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,016
Thanks for your suggestions asitis. I have been very cooperative whenever it comes to S4. Other things I have held my heels dug into the ground much firmer on. I have been willing to flex and go out of my way to help her out when the schedule doesn't work due to other commitments. Never just for her to have a night out, but anything work related and things like that. I'm not going to be a "babysitter" but I won't turn down extra time either.

Next time we talk maybe I will be the one to bring it up? I'm not goin to go out of my way to call for this specific reason but we have a swap tomorrow evening.

Thanks again, any other suggestions are still welcome! Just want to have a good plan because this new option won't work and will shake his world again...


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,016
U
Uphill Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,016
I made it through tonight without contact from XF. She called to talk to S4 and I made sure to be in a different room putting laundry away. I think tomorrow is when I will bring up that I have been thinking about the proposed plan and it just isn't gonna work. It will shake up S4's consistency and also won't work with my work schedule...

It's tough to have to say no, but I can't keep changing the things we both agreed on. She came up with both of the arrangements we have used so far and now wants to change again. I think she is honestly checking to see how much I will give in?


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,119
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,119
I think there is a difference between going along with her and working cooperatively. On this you have gone along with her proposals. Now you want to start to work cooperatively to solve your problems. It takes a different approach. That's why I suggested keeping the focus on your S, rather than either of your wants or need, and also asking her what she thinks is best once you present those concerns. Do you see how that is different than either going along or saying no?

It wasn't clear from your response.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,016
U
Uphill Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,016
I understand what you are saying asitis, my problem is there is no reason behind it other than she wants to change it? I asked her if something changed when she mentioned it and she replied "no, I just think I will like it better this way". So if that is true I am open to talk about it, but without any reason I will have a hard time agreeing to change it and make my schedule impossible to manage just because she thinks she will like it better.

I would keep the same amount of days/overnights but they would be on my longer work days. I would literally pick S4 up, feed him and put him to bed on at least 2 occasions every week. It just doesn't make sense unless there is some other reason I haven't been told yet.

Last edited by Uphill; 08/27/15 01:40 AM.

Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,016
U
Uphill Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,016
Had anybody else been following the little league World Series? My employer sponsers the PA team! (Obviously not on the World Series uniforms but all year long)


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,119
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,119
I agree it doesn't make sense. And I agree that she is likely wanting to feel like she is in control and can get her way. It is how you give her that way. You make her a part of the team that works for the best of your S, showing her respect for her judgment by asking her advice once you raise your concerns, and then giving that more thought (as you are doing with her first proposal). That is a type of control you are dangling out there for her to possibly bite on, because it gives her that feeling she wants in a way that is also good for your S and the future as co-parents. That's all I'm saying, but I think you've got it.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,016
U
Uphill Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,016
Yeah, I understand what you are saying, for sure. I will have the discussion with her and put it out there that what (I think) is best for S4 is stability. A routine. Not a 3 ring circus... Obviously leaving the circus part out haha


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,119
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,119
Yeah, circuses can be a lot of fun, but only because you know when the show is over you get to go home and the clowns won't be coming with you.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard