I guess what I am trying to say is, my views on what I actually want seem to be shifting. The thought of "starting over" still kills me. The thought of XF with another man still kills me. But would it possibly be better that way? After all the hurtful things that were said, all the hurt myself, my son, my family and our friends have been put through. Will I ever be able to forgive all of this? I don't know the answer to any of these questions but they are on my mind more and more.
In weeks prior it had been thoughts such as how to work past all of that if I get that chance. Now it plays out in my head differently?
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
People do forgive and reconcile after all that & worse, and you won't know whether you are one of those people until the opportunity arises. Whether you can redevelop the trust is another matter that also will only be known when you go through the process of trying, which may or may not come.
I know that as long as I'm still so easily drawn to focus on my W, I'm not going to be good for someone else. One of the ways I can tell is how much I still talk about her when I'm with my friends & family, how often I come here. I don't really want to be around her right now, as it is uncomfortable given her tension. But while I've detached a lot, am moving ahead with life apart from her, I'm still in her orbit (so to speak). I've had some women tempt me, but if I patiently wait a few weeks, I recognize the temptation is more about my pain of not getting my needs met by my W and that a new R would not have been healthy. It is not fair to the other person to pursue it when I'm like that even if I'm fairly open and honest. After all, if I'm really open and honest, I'd be talking a lot about my M & W and our problems and that would go over soooo well, wouldn't it?
Slow is best. If you both are really interested in each other, you both will in a month.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Yeah asitis, The thought is crossing my mind, but nobody in mind. If that makes sense? There's no "fish on the line". It is just me trying to comprehend the thoughts going through my head. Where will I end up when this journey is over? Only time will tell. I just find it easier to proccess my thoughts when i type them out and then I can come back and read them in a few hours, or days...
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
Totally re-wrote history to the point I am no better than a piece of gum stuck to the bottom of her shoe.
Everything I have done for my family for the past 7 years was apparently "malicious". How busting my tail to give them everything they deserved is malicious I don't know?
If she says it, does that make it truth?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
So XF just tried calling. I cringed at the thought of answering. That is the first time I didn't have to proccess the thought of "let it go to voicemail". It just happened. Didn't even pull the phone out of my pocket.
Maybe these feelings I am having the past few days are a sign that I am ready to actually detach in a healthier way? So far it has seemed more like a forced detachment? If that makes sense...
Anyways, no message, no reason to call back
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
Today I am actually feeling a bit angry at XF. Like a want to grab her by the shoulders and shake her head until the wires make connection again... No contact with her so that's a good thing, shouldn't have to see or talk to her until Thursday. I'm almost positive that she will try to check in but I won't be available.
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
So I have a question as to how to answer a question I know will be coming in the next few days.
XF asked me to change our days with S4 to better fit her schedule. 3 weeks ago we made the transition to "her" new schedule. It gave me the same amount of time with him so I agreed and went along with it. Basically all we did was a mirror image of the original so that the weekends were swapped.
This past weekend she came to me and asked to mix it up again. This time it would still give me the same amount of days (50/50) BUT would cause lots of scheduling conflicts for my job. I would have S4 on all my busiest days and have next to no time to spend with him them evenings.
When she brought it up I asked for a few days to think about it, raised my concerns about it and left it at that.
My question is how do I flat out say no without hurting my situation? I've slept on it and put lots of thought into how to make it work and I can't find a way? We already agreed on a schedule. Made a new one for XF's convenience. And I don't want to and can't make this 3rd one work...
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
Hi XF, what you suggested really impacts on my and S4's quality time together. I can't agree to that. How about we (revert to the revised schedule we just agreed / do X or Y instead? Hopefully we can agree a workable plan together. But I'd prefer we agree a plan and stick to that, unless there's an emergency or something...
Last edited by Sotto; 08/26/1511:55 AM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Is there a particular day that she cant do? Are there particular days you cant do? I would come up with a couple alternatives to this new proposal and see what you can agree to.
