Wow, mind is blown 6

[Uphill]

That is why I didn't even response to most messages. There were so many coming I could "cherry pick" the ones that were easy to validate. There was no possible way to keep up with practical responses.

I know what she says is reality in her head. It just [censored] that she is being fed so much nonsense from outside people who don't have a clue. We're never in our lives. But now their word is golden? I guess when a woman walks away she surrounds herself with other walk aways who will tell her what she wants to hear?
Her 2 friends who are up her a$$ right now both broke up their families. Both had other men before they left the first one. Both live on the system and support. I think that is what is fueling her fire. She sees them living the easy life because they aren't to proud to beg borrow and steal to live their life.

[asitis]

Get out of her head. Until she tells you what she is thinking, you don't really know why she is doing what she is doing. Sure her friends are probably projecting their anger at their XHs onto you, and that may be fuelling her anger up a notch, but they aren't creating her anger. Respect that for her, the reasons are real, and that she probably has some legitimate reasons for doing what she is doing. That is part of not treating her like a child (which clearly is an issue for her even if you don't think you are).

Sure, some things you say will trigger an outburst of anger that has been building up about other things, but it was still a trigger. Learn from that nugget of truth in there. OK, W felt like you didn't respect her judgment in the way you talked to her, and that she is sensitive to it. How are you going to make use of this information?

The first question I have for you is, was your texted question necessary? Was it because you didn't trust her to remember (I did/do this w/ my W and for a reason)? If so, you reminding her is not going to help her learn to take responsibility enough to figure out how to deal with her issue. Letting her fail is what will do that.

Second, if you really needed to know, was there a better way to phrase this question so it was about you not her. "My schedule is getting tight, and I wanted to know if the rescheduled appointment is something I'll need to take care of, and if so, when is it going to be? Thanks." You assume she has taken care of it (shows respect that she may actually start trying to live up to), you show your willingness to help carry your part of the load of childcare, and you remind her that you have a life.

Third, think about other ways you may be subtly sending her messages that you don't respect her to take care of things. Any other reminding is one (let her figure this out for herself unless it is truly critical). Making decisions and informing her instead of asking her opinion about something (I thought of X, what do you think? kind of thing) is another. Not showing that you really heard her. Listening and validating is great, but take it a step further and let her know later that you've been thinking about what she said and validate again ("I've been thinking about what you said the other day and really see why you feel that way." or "I've been thinking about what you said, and I have a question to make sure I'm understanding you well (or that I've got it right).") These were some of the thing I either did, or in the case of the latter, had suggested to me as one remedy by my DB coach.

It still [censored] to get hit with the spew over a seemingly innocuous question, but now I understand that there is something about our dynamic to learn from and it gets my focus off the spew a bit.

[Uphill]

On the front about these friends, I'm not in her head. She flat out said last night X says this and Y says that and I believe them because they have been in my shoes.

The appointment I asked about is a specialist which we have been waiting months to see. It was a true concern on my end because she had told me she would do it first thing in the AM and let me know time and date so I could get off work for it. I could have worded it differently, I just didn't see an innocent question turning into what it did...

I had tried in the past bringing up earlier discussions to further validate and show that I was listening. It also turns into spew and attitude, she usually rolls her eyes (if in person) and comments "didn't we talk about this the other day?" So i very rarely do anything of that sort anymore even though I understand the concept of it.

All in all, she just seems to have her heels dug in so deep I don't think an earthquake would break them loose? Time for me, my son and our life. I know I keep saying that but my focus constantly turns back to her. I have to break that cycle and just LIVE.

[sandi2]

It turned into 2 hours of spewing and nonsense.

So why didn't you leave instead of staying there for 2 hrs of non-stop spewing? A woman will not respect a man who allows her to continue to talk to him that way. Would you let anyone else chew on you for two hrs?

[Uphill]

It was by text message Sandi. My phone just kept going off...

[Uphill]

Reflecting today on my whole situation... I am still hopeful for the long run. But that hope is no longer as bright as it once was.

I miss having my family living together. I miss the companionship. I miss everything about what I once had. But I realize now, that at this point that is impossible. Too many hurtful things were said on Friday. My heart hurts for XF. Her mental state is so far gone that she is way out of touch with reality. No rational thinking by her. No common sense. Totally re-wrote history to the point I am no better than a piece of gum stuck to the bottom of her shoe.

Everything I have done for my family for the past 7 years was apparently "malicious". How busting my tail to give them everything they deserved is malicious I don't know? But that is how she feels. I own my faults, I have apologized for them and learned from them.

It's just a very emotional day for me sitting and reflecting on so many good years we had being erased from the record books because XF sees nothing but the bad...

[Azzork]

Uphill - I wrote this to Kembo a while back, but I thought you might be able to appreciate it too:

Nothing my wife does today or in the future can take away the joy of our wedding, our first house, the birth of our children. Nothing she does can undo the celebrations we attended the friendships I made, and all of the wonderful feelings that I associated with our connection. Whether she wants to believe it or not, that all still exists.

We gave more than fifteen years of our lives to each other, and I'm not going to let these few months from hell diminish the relationship that we had and lives that we built.

I accept that my marriage is over, but I don't regret living through it.

She can't erase it from the record books. It happened. And she can't take it away from you.

[Uphill]

Thank you azzork!

I understand that she can't actually make those memories go away. It just hurts damn bad when she tries... I know they happened. She knows they happened. She is just choosing to see them all in a different light. In a light which causes me to wonder which road I want to follow for my life. If I am so unappreciated and useless to her, maybe I am better off elsewhere? That is the dilemma I am facing right now. I am trying to be a better person. I am definatly being a better dad (that really wasn't a problem but I am striving to make that my #1 priority over anything). There are no facts saying that she will ever come back. So do I sit here and keep stressing myself out or find somebody who will appreciate me for me?

I am not saying I'm ready to just jump into another relationship. What i am saying is that I am teetering on the fence as to if I take that path? I love XF with my everything. But if I'm such a terrible person (in her eyes) maybe I need to consider that as an option?

Then I think back to the rule, believe nothing they say and only 50% of what they do...

[Azzork]

Uphill - I don't think you can move onto any kind of new relationship until you're truly done with this one. Not just to the point where you don't want her back. But to the point where you can be ready to commit to someone else. It's been two months since your fiancée walked out. While you don't have to go through the divorce process because you weren't married, it seems like 2 months is pretty short to consider yourself "done" and "ready to move on". But I think that's something only you can decide.

From your tone, it sounds like you are just impatient. You want to be at the end of the ride. But jumping to the end doesn't really count. There are no shortcuts here if you truly want to succeed.

[Uphill]

I understand I'm not ready azzork, i still do feel like XF is my once in a lifetime girl. The rambling above it just what has been going through my head because of her words and actions... If I truly make her feel the way she says maybe everybody would be better off in the long run going down different paths? That is not what I want, my mind is just so twisted but I do want to make the right decision. I vent things like that here rather than to her or anybody who knows her just to get the thoughts out. One day I'm hopeful, the next I feel like this. Who knows what tomorrow brings? Who knows what next week brings? Time will tell the story and I really hope it works out for the better, no matter what "better" may turn out to be.