Unfortunately yes I did sandi, I'm not proud of it but I did set myself back. I am able to admit when I fk up and this was my most recent...
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
This doesn't work all the time with me either, but remembering if I feel I have to do something or have to say something means I really should do nothing. I'm being driven by a reactive habit to some trigger, and I need to focus my attention on what I am feeling and with gentle curiosity figure out what the reactive habit is & what triggered it. So my job become an investigation of what is going on with me.
As I said, it doesn't always work, but at least after the fact I know to look at it so that I learn something for the future.
Think of it as freeing yourself from the prisoner your child self is keeping you. Not that the child self is bad, we need to develop lots of sympathy & compassion for the child self who learned the best he or she could to respond in ways that gave them some relief when they were afraid, anxious, sad, or hurting. We've had decades to reinforce those habits until they become automatic to certain triggers. Of course as adults we may wish to react knowing the range of responses & tools available to us as adults instead of as a 5 year-old would. Don't beat yourself up when these are too strong to resist at times. It took decades of reinforcing to build up these reactive habits, and we have gotten very good at not even realize that we are doing that (we're on autopilot), so it will take time to learn to see it in the moment that we are being driven by one or more of these, and more time to weaken them.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
It just bothers me because I do know better. Gotta learn better self control in situations like that. I don't want to keep setting myself back!
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
I am proud of myself tonight! XF was still in her funky mood for whatever reason. Just treating me like I killed her beloved pet or something. Smoothied up and STFU.
A thought did cross my mind to tell her how sexy she looks with her pissy attitude... Just to try to lighten the mood but I refrained! Haha
Anyways me and S4 had another great night! Movies, popcorn, bubble bath, four wheeler. Couldn't ask for much better on that front! Even right now with h laying beside me sleeping, he just makes me so proud!
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
I'm kinda starting to feel like my situation is hopeless. Something as simple as me reminding XF to reschedule an appointment for S4 yesterday caused an argument... I was accused of treating her like a child, not trusting her to take care of our son and basically being a POS for a text message that said "hey, just wondering if you knew when his appointment was rescheduled for?".
It turned into 2 hours of spewing and nonsense. I validated what I could but ignored most messages as there was no response to be given. Every time my phone went off it was like another nail in the coffin, another smack in the face. History totally re written over a question?
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
Man that stinks. I would suggest not reminding her of things. My WW told me that I treated her like a child. She felt like I was her dad because I always reminded her of things or tried to help her with things. Two days after saying this she came to me crying because she booked the wrong flight to California. She needed to change it and did not know what to do. I usually booked her flights. I helped her fix the situation and she was grateful. The very next day she treated me like crap again and said I was not her father and to stop acting like it.
Last edited by WhyUs; 08/22/1512:37 PM.
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
It's tough because we have such little opportunity to interact with our spouses that every word needs to count.
But re-read your text. It comes across like you are reminding her that she needs to reschedule. What if you had just asked "what time is S4's appointment?" With it that way, it comes across like you know she's already done the rescheduling.
I don't know if changing the wording would have helped in this situation? It was like she was waiting for anything to go off about... It's numbing to hear some of the nasty things she said and it may have been enough for me to say fk it?
I don't want it to be like that but some things that were said last night cut deep. They are false but in her head it is history the way she sees it. Oh well, today is a new day and I am going to make the best of it.
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
I don't know what she said to you. But here's the thing, if she thinks it, then it's not false. If she says "I never felt loved" or "I never felt supported" or something, then there's no defending yourself. It just is. No sense fighting about it.
