Just have to ask. I don't know if you follow my situation or not.
I have given my W boundries maybe she saw them as ulitmatiums. Basically, no marriage with me as long as you have AP. You will have to leave the house if you are engaged with AP which she did.
So, boundries ignored, she files for D.
So, in this situation, what other boundry can I exert? My answer I suspect is nothing, just accept what it is and move on.
Correct?
Well I don't know enough about your sitch to answer fully, but in the example you gave, the boundary enforcement would be considered to be "successful," even though she initiated the action, since presumably you wouldn't have continued to live in an open marriage ANYWAY.
To me, that's the beauty of boundaries, or -- as I like to call them -- "My Boundaries of Personal Integrity." Only YOU know what they are, but they should be a very short list; your "dealbreakers," as it were . . . those things that you, as a person with your values, morals and ethics, simply CANNOT ABIDE.
And this is how it works, in practical application: If you decide that "I will not live in an open marriage," and you state that as a boundary to a cheating spouse, and if that drives them away from you, and toward the other person? Well, then that's THEIR CHOICE, and them cheating -- and staying with me -- wasn't an option for me anyway, based on my own authenticity and values, so what have I lost?
All I've lost in that instance is something that I could not have abided anyway.
"You must choose between her or me" is an ULTIMATUM. It's about THEM.
Boundaries should be about YOU -- "I will not live in an open marriage." It's then up to the other person to decide what to DO with that information you've now shared with them, lovingly and firmly.
So wife left me for the AP. She asked if she could have an open marriage in order to be with the AP. I said no, I am not comfortable with this, we have never discussed this before, so no, I am not comfortable.
She continued it to a PA. I then told her that one of us would have to leave our marital house, she chose to leave.
So, in my mind, that is her choice, she knew my boundry and did her thing knowing it would be the end of our marriage.
Awful situation but most of the advice on the board has been to wait it out until the A cools off. D papers have been filed, lawyer called and will have some stipulations for me to review next week.
I don't want this divorce, but see no other way out as this is her wish.
Your suggestion? Let her go? or Fight the D and stand for the marriage.
Well I'm certainly not a fan of "wait it out," that's for sure. "Little Bo-Peep" rarely (ever?) works. Affairs are HIGHLY addictive, and what addiction that you know of goes away on its own? It usually ESCALATES, and/or transfers to another source (from alcohol to drugs, from one type of gambling to another, from OM1 to OM2 etc.).
I've been on these forums since April of 2004, thru three different usernames and over 25,000 posts. Studied HUNDREDS of affairs, and personally counseled many people one-on-one. And I've really only seen two basic approaches work:
"Puppy's Short Version, All-Inclusive Advice" for Waylayed Spouses Who Just Got Bombed"
1. Get proof (of whether or not there's OM/OW). Hint: There almost always is.
2. Do either:
2a. Aggressive affair-busting (see Allen A's posts over in Infidelity)
Those are the only two things I've seen work. If #1 turns up nothing, then proceed to #2b. And in the meantime, GAL your ass off, and become the better option. Best case, you'll attract them back, and at a minimum you'll become a better person that will be more attractive to SOMEBODY in your next relationship.
I feel compelled to provide some background for Heavy's situation here as you may be missing some information.
Heavy's wife asked if she could live in an open M with the OW. Heavy said, "no, and if you continue do to this, then you need to move out." So Heavy's wife moved out of the marital home into her own place and is still involved with the OW who lives several miles away.
You need to understand that Heavy's W wanted to work things out "amicably" among themselves without L's involved. Well, when W presented a very one-sided agreement to the mediation, Heavy was advised to pull out of the mediation (by yours truly) and get her own L. At that point, Heavy's W countered by filing for a D.
In this scenario, the only option at this point is for Heavy to drag out the D for as long as possible. We also suspect that Heavy's W is probably in MLC which is a whole different ball of wax than just a WAW.
Now soccer season is starting up. I enrolled both kids as I thought it would be healthy and also give us some bonding time. Do you feel it's ok to ask W to join along- of course I want it to just be a family activity, but I can't very well say don't bring anyone. Right?
First practice is Saturday and the next Saturday as well.
Suggested text
W - S10 and D6 and I are going to attend the first scrimmage for soccer on Saturday. We'll be there at 10 at the XX park if you want to join us.
