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Anna25 Offline OP
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Sotto,

That is a very good point...I understand I should do whatever for the sake of myself and kids. To be very honest, I am anxious to see him even for 5 min, though he wouldn't talk or look at me. I know that sounds pathetic. I am using all my will power not to follow him around the house or talk to him though. So if I want S? No I don't. But I feel like some boundaries need to be set...
The thing is, I am so so scared and hurt right now, I am so impatient I guess. It's like I'm in a terrible nightmare I can't wake up from. I still can't comprehend this is real, I haven't even cried that much actually.
For the sake of kids, I think he could take care of them, but I need to set some boundaries like no txting or calling OW in our marital home etc. I just think kids deserve better than that. Also if he is going to stay out all night anyways, I feel like he shouldn't come home just to take a shower or sleep for an hour or two. But then again, like Cherry's case, some people stay in the same house all through A. I know it's up to me, but it is a difficult question.
OW is not married. I think she is like 23 or 24( H is 35) I don't think she is in another R either but I'm not sure.

Today I took the kids to the mall to pick up some stuff for the wedding and we had nice lunch though I could not eat much. It was almost always 4 of us when we go out, so this is new to me. I count this my baby step for a progress.
I am a foreigner here and I have no family here( only In-laws) so that makes help with kids from someone a little difficult too.

Thank you so much for the insight. It really helps me to talk to someone since I have not told anyone about this yet.
I will actually talk to DB coach tomorrow, so I will let you know how he thinks about the situation too.

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Anna25 Offline OP
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Ok so H came home unexpectedly while kids were up tonight. We talked face to face first time in 5 days, but just him asking for some phone nimbers( his phone got messed up and he lost some) I was not overly friendly but polite. H seemed very stressed out and somehow mad.
H asked D3 to come with him to walk the dog, but she cried and didn't want to.
After putting the kids to bed, he was sitting in front of tv with beer, I thought he might have come home to 'talk' and I got kind of nervous as to what he will say.
An old me would go straight to sit with him, but i thought I would wait for him to talk to me, so I was doing my nails in another room. I don't know if that ticked him off or he chickened out, but he just took a shower and left. All the while.no word from him.
I don't understand why he seems mad to me when he is the one who confessed A, but it didn't get me much tonight about the fact he left. ( bc I didn't expect him to come home anyway)
Was my reaction/attitude correct? Or should i have been more friendly and talked to him?

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You did fine and didn't pursue him. He knows how to find you to talk if he wants to.


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Anna25 Offline OP
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Thanks, mvgfwd2.
I'm still questioning myself at every move/or no move.

So H came home around 6am as usual. When I was leaving for work, I just said" I'm leaving" ( so please watch the kids) since he was sleeping. He got up and followed me to the entrance and was standing there looking at me, so I said "what?" ( not in a rude tone) H hugged me, and I didn't hug him back. H didn't say anything gave me a few nods and I left.
I don't know what it is about. He looked very stressed as usual. Maybe he made up his mind about leaving so it was out of guilt, I don't know.

Anyway I talked to DB coach. He said H must be having MLC, thinking his life is half over. But his connection with kids being a dad is a few good things in his life right now, so keep it that way. Instead of focusing on him to ponder if I should ask him to leave or not, he told me to focus on myself right now. GAL and reclaim the girl I once was when I came to this country by myself to study, which is pretty adventurous. I am a confident, smart and sassy woman at work. People at work wouldn't see me as dependant or clingy person. It is in the relationship I always have a hard time being that person...so I will try to take a hard look at myself how I can be that person in the relationship as well.
He also told me to smile more while he is around. To show him that I'm not what he expected of me. ( clingy, begging, sad)

He said this morning's his first physical contact must be a good sign. I don't know.
I'll keep posting.

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Good job! As backward as it sounds and feels, detaching draws people back. Just remember, clingy pushes away, detach brings back.

Also, I've read here that most A die out by 6 months. That's when all the warts and negatives in the OW/OM begin to appear that were previously ignored. A new A is fresh and all the negatives are brushed aside by the excitement. With the contact today the FOG of the A may be lifting, who knows. Just keep detaching and GALing, they are for you and for your longterm happiness.


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Anna25 Offline OP
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Thank you mvgfwd2!
I need all the positive thoughts I can get...I still have too much anxiety heavy on my heart.

It's impossible to know what really is happening in H's head. So I will try to have no expectations and have more patience.

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Hi Anna, I think it sounds as though you did well. Cool, not pursuing and not being unpleasant either. Not sure why he may be mad - but don't worry about that and follow the advice of your DB coach. They have seen a lot and are the real pros.

I like the idea of bringing 'sassy you' home again and smiling more. Refinding that part of you at home that you have somehow lost in the M. Don't feel bad about that. I think it happens to many of us, and in time you will come to see that this horrible thing that has happened, brings opportunities too - and in a way is a gift. Not a gift that was on your wish list of course. But a gift nonetheless. Because who you manage to be and become through all of this is the important thing here.

Take care Anna x

Last edited by Sotto; 08/17/15 08:49 PM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Anna25 Offline OP
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Awww I just saw H's Instagram. He had some night view picture of the park where we had our wedding but a different monument. No commentary.
Feel so crappy thinking H and OW must have had a date night and the nerve of him posting it in SNS like it's ok for me to know now.
I know I shouldn't look at his account, but I thought it's safe bc he usually updates about kids.... I just had to vent....

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Anna25

Welcome to DB, I did not post my normal welcome post here,
my oversight, sorry.

If you have not seen it yet and started reading all the links I will be glad to re-post it here.

There is a lot of good info in it.

Have you read DR yet?


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Anna25 Offline OP
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Thank you Sotto,
Yes, I try to think this ordeal must be something we needed, for a long-term happiness. It is just a minute by minute struggle, up and down...

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