My husband has been late every night for the past month or so. He always loved going out and drinking, but it has been really bad. When I talked to him, he said he is sorry and he will slow down, which hasn't happened. Well yesterday, he was gone all night and did not come home until 12PM next day. When I confronted him, he told me he met someone a few weeks ago and he has been hanging out with her. He claimed they are not intimate (yet) but he does like her. The reason he was late every day was because he felt guilty and was avoiding me. He said he is really sorry and he loves me, loves our kids (still toddlers), and loves our house. He doesn't want to leave or he doesn't want me to leave. Yet he is not sure if he will stop seeing her....He feels like he is living a double life and he can't stand it, he can't do things with me or be affectionate with me. He also did say that even not with this person, he feels like he will mess up again and hurt me in the future. He wants me to be happy and he feels like he can't make that happen. As much as it hurts and shocking, I want our marriage/family on track. I don't just want to give up for the person he only knows for a month. But his unwillingness to end this affair or work with me makes me at a loss. What should I do? Should I just continue being pleasant for the little time we see each other like Michelle's book suggests? (He came home at 5am today too) He might be infatuated right now it just started, but should I wait for him to come to his senses? Would that make situation worse now that he feels somewhat relieved for confessing to me? How long before I have to tell him he has to leave, not see kids, unless this stops?
Hi Anna, welcome to the club that no-one wants to join. I'm so sorry for your plight, but I am pleased you have found the forum. It's a great place to be and there are many wise people here. Most of the activity goes on in newcomers and infidelity (I used to post here) is quieter. I have moved over to the MLC area now, but when I was here I posted on threads in newcomers, and this brings people over to your thread too.
You could also consider moving to Newcomers if you fancy a busier spot - although it can be so busy you disappear off the front page pretty quick. I saw some advice about settling into the forum today I think. I'll look it out and post that too.
As for your H - I'm sorry to read that. From what you post, your H is deep in the throes of an A - and if he was gone all night, if may well have become a PA. From a health perspective, I would think carefully about intimacy with your H right now. I'm about to go for a sexual health check up as I was intimate with my H for a while before he disclosed his PA. You may want to have a look at Cherry's thread. She posts in the Piecing our M back together part of the forum and I thought of her when I read your sitch. Her H had a PA and they were reconciled and working on the M last I know. I don't think she's posted for a little while.
I would settle yourself in for a bumpy ride here and have a good think about boundaries. The thing about people in an A is they don't want to have to make a choice. They want to have cake and they want to eat it. They don't want to let go of OW, but they don't want to leave the family either. So have a good think about your own bottom line. Are you willing to carry on living together if he stays out all night? Willing to share a bed? Willing to be intimate? etc. Boundaries are not to punish others, they are to protect you and your family.
Be aware that A's are incredibly addictive and this may take some time to play out. But also be aware that hardly any turn into successful R's and most implode in a relatively short period of time (6 months to 2 years.) Also be aware that if you allow cake eating, the A is likely to last for longer, so a strong stance may help.
My H and I S as soon as he admitted his PA and (from a sanity POV) I don't regret that. He has just filed for D though. I have no idea if he is still with OW, tho things were rocky there last I heard.
The last things are - GAL, PMA and detach from a horrible situation which may pull you under if you let it. Can you post a little more about your M and why you think your H may have become vulnerable to an A??
Take care x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thank you so much for your reply. I am trying hard to detach from the situation. Demanding little toddlers are good distraction too.
Since the confession, he is totally avoiding me. He is never home when I am. He sleeps on the couch when he comes home in the morning.Since he works mainly in the evenings and I work during the day, he is the one watching the kids during the day.So he just comes home to watch the kids. We have a family wedding coming up next weekend. We had booked two nights to spend some extra time over there for sightseeing and such. Now this happened, I have no idea what his attitude will be and what my attitude should be.I even wonder if he will say he is not going?
He told me OW is one of the customers, who gave him her number. But I just found out that is not true. She is his coworker. He foolishly left his facebook logged in on our laptop (and her page!) so I saw messages exchanged between him and her. I don't know why he lied that part, but now that I know she is a coworker, it angers me that she started going out with him knowingly that he is married with kids. (He said the "customer" did not know he is married) She is probably younger than him and more "free spirited" who could go out with him late at night.But I am tyring to tell myself she is not worthy of my time and energy.
We have been married for 12 years this year. Even though he pursued me in the beginning, I know I have been the clingy one lately. I know I depend on him too much. So I know I have my own issues for this to work out, to be happy with myself. He is mostly nice and good dad, but sometimes he was careless/thoughtless towards me with his action (late night, lack of communication etc) However since the babies, he changed a lot and he grew up a lot, which I really appreciated. So I really didn't see this coming...
I know separation is not a good thing, but it's like we are already separated since we never see each other or talk. I have alwarys been the pushover who tries to please him and cries to him, I never ever want him to leave honestly. But I am starting to feel like I have no choice but to stand up and tell him to leave if he continues his A, not to be mean, but to be firm with him. I need his respect back, and to do that, I can not let this continue as he pleases. Letting go might make him notice that I am changing. As much as I am scared if it shall backfire, that might be the only way if we make it?
Hi Anna - you're welcome! You may also want to have a browse on newcomers. There are many infidelity scenarios there too - it's all too common unfortunately. In terms of the wedding, you may want to plan on going yourself, and if your H comes, he comes. If he doesn't, perhaps you could just say he has to work or something? One thing I have learned is it's best not to confide too widely what is going on. If you guys work things out, concerned friends/family can be a barrier I think.
Of course at the wedding, I imagine you'll be wearing your free-spirited outfit and persona with pretty little jewels in your own hair - and certainly not looking like a harried mum of toddlers. In terms of OW, yes he lied. Another thing I learned here is all cheaters lie.
I also learned that affair partners are inevitably 'trade downs' so you can rest assured that she has little of your character and integrity. She is an annoying gnat who is hardly worth your attention. My H also had an A with a work colleague. I met her once, so she knew full well my H was married. She had a previous A with a guy with kids, his M ended and then she cheated on him with my H. Go figure....
Now then, do have a read of Cherry's thread because I think it may help with the approach you need here. Also, start having a think about the woman you have become during your 12 years of M. Who was the woman your H fell in love with, and how has she changed? You mention some things - clingy, depending on him too much, having your own issues and feeling happy with yourself. Perhaps this is a chance to reclaim some of the former 'you' that got a little lost in marriage and motherhood - as we all do.
WRT him, do have a think about your boundaries - and protect your own health and interests. My H kept telling me he was confused and didn't know what to do (we had S at this point.) He told me he would understand if I couldn't wait whilst he made a decision. I told him I wouldn't wait. But what I wish I would have said is - H, I have no intention of putting my life on hold while you conduct an extra marital relationship. We both have some decisions to make here.
GAL is really important. Do you work? Get out with friends much? The more life you can have outside of the M just now the better. Even if it is GAL with the kids, and maybe other Mums with kids. Have a think about how you can build up your own independence too.
Above all, do keep posting, looking after yourself and keep your chin up! It's a rocky road, but you will find strength you didn't know you had, and will be a better person for it.
Take care, S x
Last edited by Sotto; 08/14/1503:40 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
The most true saying regarding wayward spouses is: "believe NONE of what they say, and HALF of what they do". They are not about to tell you the truth about anything and will say and do everything to avoid breaking up the M and A. They want it all and no pesky truth to spoil it. Make him pick, you or OW, and right now
Spend some time thinking about how to get you in a more independent place. Independence will give you confidence and courage. It is called GAL'ing around here (GET A LIFE).
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
I just read cherry's thread and it did give me some hope. So she stayed in the same house the whole time A was going on... The difference is that they had some kind of communication time to time, but we don't. We only text each other about logistics for the last 4 days...
This morning he texted me he is coming home soon, I don't know why cause it's Saturday and he knows I'll be with kids and no need for him to be with kids. But then he didn't get home until 2 hours later. Wherever he was, I'm sure he was not 2 hour drive distance. I'm trying to detach...I took the kids to some shopping before he got home. When we got back he was home, but didn't say a word to me, didn't even look me in the eye. He's been like this since the confession. I'm dressed sexy and pretty, acting upbeat with kids which is still more forced than real, but I'm trying. H is always the type who hates confrontation, but I know we both can't keep doing this forever. When he was leaving for work, I told the kids to say bye to papa, D(3) refused. Even though the kids see H everyday, I'm sure they are sensing something's up. But I don't want to use kids as leverage, so I'm not saying anything.
I'm on the fence about telling him to leave. One moment I can't wait any longer to tell him, but the next I'm not so sure. But he has no consequences right now ( financially, kids, convenience etc) so I know I need to tell him... Part of me trying to wait until next weekend for the wedding to see what happens, how he will be...as much as it will hurt, I will go with kids either way. But waiting means I am still having expectations and I need to change, I know. But it's still been 5 days and I have trouble sleeping and eating. I have huge lump in my chest all the time, it is so hard.
I do work and though But I don't get to go out much due to kids. But I'll try to be out with kids or do something nice to myself like beauty pampering.
I will try to read more on the other forums as well. Thanks again for your support.
One of the main reasons I'm torn about H leaving/separating is kids. As I mentioned, H takes care of them during the day at home. If I tell him to leave completely and get a babysitter or something, kids' lives will be completely changed overnight. That will be devastating for kids. I know kids love their dad very much and I think they are even closer than other dads due to the amount of time they spend together every day. Should I allow him to come here a few days a week while I'm at work? But that means H still spends time at our home. The point is to make him realize what he will be missing, do you think it will be still effective? I really don't want to hurt the kids.... I don't know what to do.
My big piece of advice would be not to do anything for a 'make him realise' reason. Put your own needs and those of your kids at the heart of this. There may be a realisation at some point of what he's doing. Some WAS's have that relatively soon (but there can be a rocky road after that too). Some have it years down the line. You just don't know, so best to operate with the focus on you and the family.
If you want to S, care of the kids would be an important factor and something you guys would need to discuss. I would guess if he can offer them good care during the day, staying with him is going to be best for them. But that would be something for you both to sort out I guess. What ar OW's circumstances. Is she married or in a R?
I understand about the sleeping and eating. Those things can be tough at the start of your sitch. They will settle down, and the more you can do to look after yourself, and achieve some balance and calm, the sooner that is likely to be.
It also sounds as though there is an opportunity to build up your social life a little too. If you are able to make some GAL plans for yourself - with our without the kids - that would maybe be a good idea too.
Take care Anna xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
