Sotto Voce

[RAI]

Hi Sotto,

I was seeing your name everywhere asking myself "why have I never heard of Sotto, who has over 2000 posts? She seems so wise! Can't be a newbie." I get it now. I dig the anagram. heh!

RAI

[Sotto]

Wow - lots of posts!
Pink, yes I agree about the lost hope and I do feel my energy changing. Thanks for the positive energy.
Jim, thanks - my advice - use cash where possible!
RD, thanks for the motivational speech. It's true - I'm glad that H is showing some care & I appreciate it.
Wonka, thanks for the hug - and you are right that 'me' will continue on happily regardless.
Z - thanks for your kind words and the new trees analogy; I liked that one.
And Rai - you solved the mystery!! Glad you like the anagram.

Not much to report really. Went to yoga last night. I enjoy the class. We all know each other pretty well now and have some good laughs. I also spent some time with my Dad yesterday. He has a new ipad and is learning to use it. First thing he said - where's my cursor? He's 81 and it all takes a little time. I'm front-line IT support. WFH today and stuck in a big overpayment case for an employee. Had my head down all day on that one.

I responded to L on the D petition, saying I was willing for it to proceed on the stated grounds. Need to go through the financial stuff and I'll do that this weekend I think. I'm not inclined to delay things. Now it's started it's full steam ahead on my part.

No further contact with H. I feel okay about things and can feel a shift within myself - further acceptance that the M is a step closer towards being fully over. Have started to look forward to my D support group, which begins this autumn and is a new GAL plan for me.

I'm off to the bookstore tomorrow and then out with a couple of friends for the day on Saturday. Take care all xx

[jim0987]

Evening Sotto.

Thanks for your kind words on my thread.

Is that D support group the one you talked to relate about sometime back. Either way that group will be getting really good support.

Have you given much thought to how you feel about post D life?

Hope you have a great weekend, its suppose to be quite warm.

[Sotto]

Hi Jim - you're welcome. Not kind - just truth

So, the D support group is a different thing to what I talked to Relate about. With them I was hoping to set up an infidelity support group. And they seemed quite interested, but haven't come back to move that forward.

This one is Divorce Recovery Workshop. If you google that it will take you straight to their site. It's a national charity and local groups run the workshops. You go to 6 x 2hr workshops - one evening a week for six weeks with some homework inbetween. The group I'm joining has a bit of a social scene going on. They have run 20 workshops over the past 10 years, each with 10 participants and there is a mailing list for social events after your group finishes. I'm looking forward to it.

Post D life.....hmm. Will much change for me? I'll be able to buy a property, which will be nice. I think I'm going to stay in my 'home' town for a while. I may think about dating at some point, but I'm in no rush. TBH, so much has changed for me already, I'm not looking to make further huge changes just now. I hope to stick around the forum and keep learning and growing, healing and moving forward. I don't plan to keep in touch with H particularly, though I'll stay in touch with SS and his Mum.

Have a fab weekend Jim - hope you have some nice plans xx

[Dawn70]

I'm finally getting around to catching up on some of you wonderful friends who are always so quick to offer your support to me. Your whole last paragraph above really resonated with me. I was hit with so many changes because of D that after D, I wasn't looking for any huge changes. I was divorced by someone else's choice, moved out of my house by someone else's choice and had to start from scratch in life by someone else's choice.

Moving forward, I just want to settle and find me, so I know exactly where you are coming from about being able to do things and thinking about dating but being in no rush. I am glad you plan to stick around the forum. You ALWAYS have great advice, great support and great comments.

Sending positive vibes your way always.

[Vanilla]

(((((((((Hugs))))))))))))

V

[Sotto]

Dawn, thank you. I'm glad that resonated with you and V, thanks for the hug.

I woke this morning after a dream about H. We were on a trip, in a big house with friends. I realised he wasn't there in the lounge and had a 'bad feeling.' I went up into our room, and there he was in bed with a woman (not OW.) Get out - I said to her and she scuttled out. I packed my stuff. Said to him - that's the last time this will happen and left. Weird that I have not really dreamed about him at all...and not a great start to the day.

I had an introspective journey, driving to see my friend. There's something I want to journal that has been bothering me. A couple of years after we M, I realised there was some interest in me from a male colleague. The thing was, I was quite flattered and for a few months, our working R strayed into the odd chatty/slightly flirty email outside of work. I was shocked, because I loved H and had never thought I would be attracted to anyone else.

I recall lying in bed one night, thinking about the potential for something to happen and I had a really important thought. My thought was this - I love H, and I could never lay my head happily on the pillow next to his having betrayed him. Somehow after that thought, the interest ebbed away and this guy left the organisation months later. I'm so glad I had that thought. H knows all of this, but I didn't tell him until after BD.

But what I was thinking about today was that some of my needs weren't being met - even at that time. H was working away part of the week, SS lived with us at weekends, so most of the time H was home, we were parenting. I struggled somewhat with the bond with SS. I had found it easier to play and find common ground with a boy of 5/6/7 than one of 10/11/12. I'm so glad to have been a step parent - but there were weekends when I just didn't really feel like doing it. And I always felt I should be doing a better job. I guess in some ways I felt a little stifled and I can remember looking at little flats and dreaming of having my own little place (be careful what you wish for.)

I also think that neither H and I managed to be that open emotionally with each other. Due to fear, I don't think we revealed our true selves and discussed our innermost thoughts. I also think that my own fears.....about somehow not being 'enough' limited me in some ways. Not in drastic ways - but limited nonetheless.

I also lost some interest in our SL. We always ML regularly, but I did go through a time when I can recall feeling less enthusiastic about it. Maybe partly linked to menopause, or maybe just not feeling the emotional closeness with H.....or just getting tied up with responsibilities, IDK. Sometimes H would want sexual closeness when I wanted emotional - he might grab my bottom when I would have preferred a hug, and there were times when I brushed him off.

I guess I'm just trying to process my part in things. Many of us post to each other and we say our S's must be mad to let us go etc. But actually, I think it is hard to have a good M. And whilst in many ways I was a lovely W and I didn't deserve for our M to end so horribly - in some of the ways above, I could have done better. I was never really mean or critical, but there were times when I felt resentful and didn't talk it through - just thought it was the ups and downs of life and I needed to get on with it.

I'm not saying H was perfect either - but I don't think it serves me well to take the high road and let him bear so much blame for the demise of our M.

Other than this introspection on the way - I had a very nice day out with old friend I haven't seen for six months & hope everyone else is having a good weekend xx

[late30s]

You're a wise woman, Sotto. I like the idea of not playing the victim and learning from circumstances. I think it is the best way for all of us to move forward and be happier with ourselves.

I wish you well with your life, Sotto. You deserve happiness and I believe that you'll find it.

[rd500]

Hi Sotro I have to disagree with the previous poster and with you !!!! Yes , you may not have ALWAYS met H's needs and him likewise but this is the ral world and not Mills and Boone. Your H has told you in emails that your great and the one for him While I do agree that we all can be better partners I would be mindful that you take the share of the blame that's due and not take too much from H and his MLC

We all dream of how life could be better while in an R but it's dreaming so you we're flattered but some male attention , you thought about an apartment , I'm sure we have all done this. I adored my EXW and I would still think how life could be better if I had married X girlfriend or if I hadn't started my own business and worked for X company instead.

Sotto isn't perfect ( especially since you revelledthe veggie thing ( shudders ). ) but you are a good , decent person who a lot of men would be lucky to have in their lives

Just my thoughts Sotto. Take care. Rd. xxxx

[Zelda09]

Nice introspection. I think you can own those things without owning the cause for downfall. Takes 2 to wish for marriage and only one for D.

I did divorce recovery workshop. It was good and the IRL support was helpful. I hope you enjoy it.