I thought it would take me a long time to get to 100 posts. Nope! This forum has helped me in so many ways. Mainly I am starting to see that I let a lot of things slide and enabled his passive aggressive behavior for a long time. No more! I am ready to stand up for myself and to not take his passive chit anymore.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Journaling - I am finding it a little easier to get my mind off of things during the day. I read Uphill's post a bit ago and it really resonated with me. I truly wonder if STBXH is having the same fears/thoughts as me. I know I can't do anything about it, trying to detach, but really am just curious. He is very stubborn and passive aggressive so it makes me wonder if he would ever admit that he made a mistake.
I hope since standing up for what I want (first time since BD) the other night it will start to make him think that things are not probably not going to go the way he fantasized them going. I really, truly think that he thought I would do whatever he wanted for the divorce to make it easier on him.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
ep0215 glad your letting things slide, that means progress for YOU! They can be very stubborn and you just have to let them fail, which may take a while but they will and hope they eventually realized what harm they have caused along the way. Keep praying!
Thanks PP and ILYNOT - I am really proud of my 'new' self. The 'old' me would not have been able to validate in the moment and would have been defensive or just clammed up completely and given in to his wants just so as not to start a fight or make him unhappy because he might decide to divorce me.
I even told him that a few months ago during one of our talks that I am part to blame for the failures in our marriage. For over a year I was afraid to admit any negative feeling I had because he might decide to leave because things weren't "easy" but you decided to leave me anyway so that did't work out. At least I am admitting my faults and am willing to do whatever it takes for each other. A perfect relationship isn't actually perfect at all, it consists of two people who never give up on each other despite the hurt or pain. It is really sad that our spouses are blind to that fact.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
"At least I am admitting my faults and am willing to do whatever it takes for each other. A perfect relationship isn't actually perfect at all, it consists of two people who never give up on each other despite the hurt or pain. It is really sad that our spouses are blind to that fact."
Well said EP, exactly how I feel
M: 32 W: 35 M 2 1/2 T 4 1/2 same sex couple W "unhappy" April 2015 D first asked for mid May 2015 2nd D end of June 2015 D papers in hand, just have to sign Start of piecing 8/20/15 A confirmed 1/2/15
I am pretty excited about tonight. It is the first time I have felt really okay with being home by myself since he moved out. I have been GAL and keep busy on the days I do not have my son.
I went to the store and bought a nice bottle of wine and I am going to cook myself a gourmet meal, just for me! I love to cook and haven't really 'cooked' since he left. I just hope I don't burn it. I am making Bonefish's Saucy Rock Shrimp from scratch!
YUMMY
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
I had a really good IC appointment tonight. She and I rehearsed some really good argument points about the parenting schedule. Next mediation session to finalize the time sharing schedule is Tuesday so I wanted to be prepared and mentally and emotionally ready to handle that battle. Our sitch is unique because of our opposite work schedules so we can't just go by the norm.
I feel confident and ready!
She also gave me some journaling tips like write bullet points every day of "today I feel..." And then write down what self care action will I take to make myself feel better. Also, make a bucket list of missing S days things to do. Sounds a lot like GAL activities hmmm maybe she is DB. Haha
So today I feel strong
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Omg V! I forgot to write that she wants me to keep a gratitude journal and start one for my S so that when I am missing him I can read what he is grateful for to make me smile.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Pissed that I got an email from my attorney forwarding a communication from him and STBXH's attorney stating that over a week ago H called his attorney whining about the fact that I am proposing options for the time sharing schedule and it isn't what he wanted. I am not pissed about that per se but more that he is going around the process in which we set up the mediator and a parenting coordinator to do this. It has been one session and he didn't even bring anything to the table but you are pissed that you aren't getting your way?? PLEASE! Atleast his attorney was smart enough to say that he is deferring this to the parenting coordinator since that process hasn't even had a chance to work yet.
I guess I am not as detached as I thought. I will print out the email and bring it with me (L's suggestion) to start the conversation that this is not the process and I won't pay for extra sessions if he can't collaborate on the matter at hand in the room with the parenting coordinator. I am so glad that I met with IC yesterday to get the other argument points.
I knew this was going to happen. I knew that as soon as he didn't hear what he wanted to hear in the parenting session he would run and call L. I am pissed at myself for being pissed even though I predicted this would happen.
UGHHHHHH
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
I am pissed at myself for being pissed even though I predicted this would happen.
Know that feeling all too well also, its so frustrating.
Hope the mediator and parenting coordinator works out. He may have just been venting to his lawyer and annoyed and not trying to go around the process, but you never know. Just try to handle it the best you can.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
It's called mediation, you don't like what's on offer? Suggest something different, then negotiations start. These things don't come instantly agreed for both parties, nice if they did, hey then we would need intermediaries. L no doubt has explained it to Your H.
It business admin for the sake of the children. Ep, you are being mature on it, and yes I think I would be annoyed too. Leave it at the door though, as I am sure you will.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/15/1506:19 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
so question - H moved out in May and I haven't changed a thing except painting our master bedroom and replacing some photographs. He has told me the certain items he wants to take with him once the divorce is final and I agreed to the certain things that I do not want. so my question is this...I feel ready to take the certain 'manly' things down and pack them up for him. It just hurts looking at all these things that remind me of the times we shopped for them together and such. Is it too early and will it set me back to give him a box and say "here you go, this place is no longer yours"...
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
I feel ready to take the certain 'manly' things down and pack them up for him. It just hurts looking at all these things that remind me of the times we shopped for them together and such. Is it too early and will it set me back to give him a box and say "here you go, this place is no longer yours"...
Well, what do you want to do. If you want to get rid of that stuff...then by all means! If you don't care that rhebstuff is there...he can pack his own crapola up to take with h him.
This time right now and moving forward is about what EP wants to do. This is your space. This is your life. For now husband has chosen not to be a part of it. Uugh that is not awesome, but you are a strong woman and will make the best of this...take the situation as it comes and turn it into the best you can...which I am seeing that the ceiling is high!!!
Go do it, just pack it, heck I even put WH stuff in a storage container. If you read my thread you will see I packed, cleaned, changed sheets, towels, everything I could to reclaim the space. I put candles, frillier stuff, scented pouri. Go for it, make it your very own space.
Dawn who is an amazing lady, leads the way for me, clear, clean, cleanse. Use all the drawers.change the colours etc etc. Make a ritual on it. Enjoy, have fun, be wacky, girlie, eclectic, minimal. Whatever you need, it's your space.
It refreshes and really makes a difference.
Highly recommended.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/15/1509:21 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I'm new to the board but read your posts with great interest as I'm going through something similar. Husband left and I'm trying to work out logistics but a little scared to insist for what is due as I worry it will prevent any chance for reconciliation. Will most likely end up in courts, so it's very comforting to read about how you have been handling everything and also the mediation experience. Thank you.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
JulieH - I will go and read your sitch today. I am so glad that I am able to help you in anyway. The collaborative process has been so much gentler than litigation and has given me time to process and detach before things got started. The day after I was served the papers I was a wreck and if the process had started right then and not 6 weeks later I know I would have made some very bad decisions for me and for my son. I have that fear too, that if I stick up for myself and stand my ground then I am at the same time losing any chance of reconciliation but you know what the benefit out weighs the risk and that is something I am learning every day.
I think it is a little different for me since H and I have differing work schedules so the time alone and being a single Mom hasn't really changed for me. That feels normal to me. It is the grief of losing my belief in him and my family that brings me despair. I still love him and pray everyday that he has an awakening and we can begin to rebuild what was lost.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Today I am preparing for the collaborative meeting on Tuesday to (fingers crossed) finalize a time-sharing schedule for our son. I really want some input on the thoughts I have written down on how to approach my side of things. I really want to come across as being amicable but also being assertive in doing what is best for S4.
A bit of background: My work schedule is M-F 8:30 am-5:00 pm. H work schedule is complicated, M 10am-7pm, T off, W 10am-7pm, TH off, F-Su 3:00 pm-2:00 am (he only just now got this schedule fixed, before it was all over the place)
I will call the mediator Dr. C
Dr. C, I want to give you some history into what S4's routine has been like since he was born. We didn't talk about that in the last meeting and I feel it will help you understand why I feel the need to revise the current schedule and for it being in his best interest.
H has always been in the restaurant industry, he works very long hours and very hard at his job. (I feel I should add some validation or something here) Since S4 was born he has been home with me alone 5 nights a week, it is what he is used to. When he started school at 2 years old, H would take him to school in the morning and not see him again until the following morning. To change the routine now to S4 being away from his Mommy and home 4 nights in a row, twice a month, is disruptive to his life and not in his best interest. (he changed his work schedule thinking that every other week he would have him Monday night through Thursday night overnight) I am not comfortable with reversing our roles so that I now become the weekend parent.
It is very important to me that S have a relationship with his father. Which is why I am proposing the schedule I am to give him the most amount of quality time but still being consistent in what he is used to.
S4 did not ask for this. I did not ask for this but while I am accepting it he should not have the fall out from it.
I do not want to disrupt his life for your choice to end this marriage
I think that this will get my point across without being too aggressive. Wonka - I would really appreciate your take.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
I think it is a little different for me since H and I have differing work schedules so the time alone and being a single Mom hasn't really changed for me. That feels normal to me. It is the grief of losing my belief in him and my family that brings me despair. I still love him and pray everyday that he has an awakening and we can begin to rebuild what was lost.
Hi. This is similar for me as well. There really is no change in my life. My sons didn't notice he was gone for a week. He actually told me "you have nothing to lose nothing will change for you. It's not like you were getting affection from me". He is upset that he will lose financially. And you couldn't have said it better regarding greaving over losing ones belief in someone. What happened to the person we knew and loved?
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Today I am preparing for the collaborative meeting on Tuesday to (fingers crossed) finalize a time-sharing schedule for our son. I really want some input on the thoughts I have written down on how to approach my side of things. I really want to come across as being amicable but also being assertive in doing what is best for S4.
A bit of background: My work schedule is M-F 8:30 am-5:00 pm. H work schedule is complicated, M 10am-7pm, T off, W 10am-7pm, TH off, F-Su 3:00 pm-2:00 am (he only just now got this schedule fixed, before it was all over the place)
I will call the mediator Dr. C
Dr. C, I want to give you some history into what S4's routine has been like since he was born. We didn't talk about that in the last meeting and I feel it will help you understand why I feel the need to revise the current schedule and for it being in his best interest.
H has always been in the restaurant industry, he works very long hours and very hard at his job. (I feel I should add some validation or something here) Since S4 was born he has been home with me alone 5 nights a week, it is what he is used to. When he started school at 2 years old, H would take him to school in the morning and not see him again until the following morning. To change the routine now to S4 being away from his Mommy and home 4 nights in a row, twice a month, is disruptive to his life and not in his best interest. (he changed his work schedule thinking that every other week he would have him Monday night through Thursday night overnight) I am not comfortable with reversing our roles so that I now become the weekend parent.
It is very important to me that S have a relationship with his father. Which is why I am proposing the schedule I am to give him the most amount of quality time but still being consistent in what he is used to.
S4 did not ask for this. I did not ask for this but while I am accepting it he should not have the fall out from it.
I do not want to disrupt his life for your choice to end this marriage
I think that this will get my point across without being too aggressive. Wonka - I would really appreciate your take.
bump
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Hi V - Thank you for your reply! I do have that and we went over it in the last meeting but dear H can't process information in the moment so we have to reconvene again, hopefully he has had enough time to think about the proposals and come up with options of his own. I am predicting and planning on him only bringing the current schedule to the table which is the one that needs to change once school begins next week.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Take (a3paper if pos) blanks for everyone, rubbers and coloured pencils!
So you can do colouring in.
There is a saying " the one who writes the minutes rules the meeting"
This means at the end of it, be the one who drafts the final version, get the clerk to photocopy it and circulate, even if it means 10 minutes after the meeting on your own scratching.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/17/1509:10 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Are you truly using a collaborative agreement, or are you simply calling it collaborative because you are using a mediator and trying to be cooperative? Did you sign an agreement that should negotiations fail these Ls won't represent you in court?
Also, in FL, I believe the sharing percentage is based strictly on overnights. I realize that you need a 24/7 plan for your son but the sharing percentage can seem different than reality. For instance, you can have S4 from 8am to 8pm, he spends the night with H, and then you get him back at 8am the next morning. That's not 50/50 that's one overnight for H and none for you. Is that the way your L has explained it to you?
Sunny - great questions. Thank you. Yes we have signed a collaborative divorce agreement and using collaborative divorce attorneys. They will be fired if we go to court. Dr. C is a third party professional we have hired to act as our mental health coach, parenting coordinator and additional mediator. Both L's use her a lot in these instances.
He did explain the overnights to me this way. Thanks
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Got it. Then I think you are on the right track. Dr. C. needs to have the whole picture and will put the interests of S4 first. Your Ls aren't going to be jockeying for leverage on this one, I don't think you have anything to lose by being straightforward and explaining it the way you see it.
If Sunny view holds good and she knows her stuff.V
Thanks, V. But actually, I've been thinking about this. I think you are on the right track expressing how you feel about this, with the exception of adding in the "fault" of it. That's not part of this. However, Ep, I'm going to challenge you on the why you feel this way. Do you really think it's not in the best interest of D4 to switch off, or do you just think it's not fair he has to because of H's actions?
When STBX and I were about to S, he proposed a week with mom a week with dad kind of split. I was horrified and immediately rejected that. (No way you are keeping from my kid a week at a time on a regular basis.) Then I proposed that he have every other Friday and Saturday night. I proposed two nights of every 14. He agreed. And then I thought about it. And realized that as much as I wanted to believe that it was in her best interest to be with mommy in her own home almost all the time.....it simply wasn't true. She needed dad, too, no matter where he lived. So I swallowed hard, and went back and proposed a different split, five nights in 14, and that's what we do now.
I'll admit I had to talk to my IC about it to get through it, and she asked me what in D12's life was going to be different just because she spend some nights with dad in his apartment. And truth is, it's not much. She has the same friends, the same school, the same after school activities. She has her own room in STBX's apartment, he's made it very nice for her, keeps her supplied with the things she needs, and I make sure her school uniforms stay straight between the two closets.
So, I'm challenging you, ep, to think about this, hard. Push your comfort zone to define exactly what's going to be bad about S's life if this doesn't go your way. Not, it's not fair that you disrupt his life because you left kind of things. Concrete things. Name them. Go.
If Sunny view holds good and she knows her stuff.V
Thanks, V. But actually, I've been thinking about this. I think you are on the right track expressing how you feel about this, with the exception of adding in the "fault" of it. That's not part of this. However, Ep, I'm going to challenge you on the why you feel this way. Do you really think it's not in the best interest of D4 to switch off, or do you just think it's not fair he has to because of H's actions?
[color:#3366FF][/color]Thank you Sunny, I accept your challenge. I have been thinking about this a lot since he left in May and have talked to my IC about this in length. The way his schedule is laid out, yes, I believe it is not in S4's best interest to switch off every other day one week and then 4 nights in a row another. I wish our schedules would allow for a more routine sharing schedule but with his work it just can't be every other weekend sort of thing.
The schedule how he wants it would go like this:
M: Mom take S to school and pick-up at 5:30, Dad pick-up S from home after work at 7:30 pm. Take him home to go to bed. T: Dad take S to school and pick-up at 12:00, stays with Dad overnight [b]W:: Dad take S to school and Mom pick-up at 5:30 pm, Mom overnight (every other week he would pick him up 7:30 pm from me and stay overnight) TH: Mom take S to school, Dad pick-up at 12:00, stays overnight F: Dad take S to school, Mom pick up and have the weekend with him
There are way too many transitions back and forth during the actual week for his age. He really is having a hard time knowing if he is coming or going. Always asking me "where am I going?" My IC has a lot of training in counseling young children and agrees that at 4 years old he is too young for the bouncing back and forth.
It really isn't about getting back at him. I am writing up options to allow for Monday and Tuesday night overnight and then the rest of the week overnight with me but he would still get to spend almost everyday day time with his father. I do want him to have quality time and a quality relationship with his father. In my head, just picking him up at 7:30 pm to go home and go to bed after he has been with his Mommy for 2 hours just doesn't make any sense.
Did I answer your question?
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
The way his schedule is laid out, yes, I believe it is not in S4's best interest to switch off every other day one week and then 4 nights in a row another.
There are way too many transitions back and forth during the actual week for his age. He really is having a hard time knowing if he is coming or going. Always asking me "where am I going?" My IC has a lot of training in counseling young children and agrees that at 4 years old he is too young for the bouncing back and forth.
Did I answer your question?
Almost. What I was trying to get you to say was something like, "he is too young for the bouncing back and forth because ...." and then fill in the blank. Because his dad lives in a tiny house and his homework requires him to build full scale models of Roman ruins nightly. Because his dad won't take him to school--ever, and he'll miss 64 days this year. Because he doesn't understand the concept of schedules and screams unceasingly for six hours straight when it doesn't turn out like he thought. My point is.....just because he asks where he's going doesn't meant it's detrimental to him. That's totally normal for a kid his age, D or not.
Don't misunderstand me, I'm not challenging your schedule, nor am I proposing anything else. I'm just challenging you to clarify your position, understand where these feelings are coming from. For your sake as much as S's.
S is too young for the back and forth schedule because he is starting real school and there will be homework and projects. H is unreliable, consistently late for everything. He overslept many days and didn't take S to daycare, even when the week was paid for, lost out on that money. I am afraid he won't take him to school just like you said, that hit a note in me, and they are required to go or the school loses their funding for VPK. So he can't just sleep in anymore. I am going to keep thinking about this tonight and get some sleep before tomorrow.
He was supposed to pick up S tonight at 7:30, it is now 9:05, haven't heard from him. I gave S a bath and put him to bed. I wonder if he will even show up in the morning before I have to leave for work. Currently we have no daycare options for Tuesday's and Thursday's because he is off so those are his 'weekend', I pray he shows up in the morning before I leave for work.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Ok, Ep, you did a good job. Let your child expert know those concerns.
In my opinion, this is more damaging than anything else you said:
Originally Posted By: ep0215
He was supposed to pick up S tonight at 7:30, it is now 9:05, haven't heard from him.
I give my H credit for stepping up and being a better dad than he was before, to one of his kids at least. If he started pulling stuff like that on a regular basis, I'd have a cow. It's heartbreaking for a kid to stand there and wait on a dad who doesn't show up or even call. That's way out of bounds in my book.
He showed up this morning (30 minutes late) like nothing happened. I didn't keep my cool as well as I should have. Momma bear took over, you don't upset her cub.
Me: (in a nice tone) hey, what happened last night? You didn't call or show up.
H: (shocked) What do you mean? I have him Tuesday-Thursday, this is what we talked about. (getting pissed)
Me: You have had him every Monday night...(cuts me off)
H: No I haven't! We agreed on Tuesday-Thursday
Me: I have it documented on the days you have had him since May, we can talk about it this afternoon. Have a good day.
Oh I don't think we are going to get much accomplished in this hour but it is my goal to walk out of there with something in writing so this crap doesn't happen anymore. I am just annoyed by it all, this whole f'ed up thing.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Oh I forgot to say that when I got to work I pulled out my highlighted calendars and sure enough since May he has had him Monday, Tuesday and Thursday nights except 3 times!
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
I am so pissed and annoyed. He is just so stubborn and would not be collaborative. He kept bringing his option to the table as his only option. Said no to every option brought to the table by me or the mediator. I am too upset to give a full recap right now. I did stay calm though. Truth darted him when I needed to and let set him on the rampage. Threatened taking things to litigation. Dr. C stopped that right there.
At least I have a temporary arrangement on paper until the next session. Gawd it never ends.
Going bowling with my girls to throw some frustration down the lane.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Good grief, Ep, I'm sorry. Apparently H doesn't understand the basics of the collaborative process. Luckily the child expert is there to guide the process. So what's next?
So the meeting started out with me stating that the mishap last night happened because we seem to have two understandings as to what the current parenting schedule is so I am not leaving today without something written down by all the parties. Dr. C agreed that was a good idea. I am very proud of the fact that I stayed calm, stood my ground and everything I said was to the benefit of the child not to my needs or wants. He never once mentions what was in the best interest of the child but to what was easiest on his schedule.
His whole argument is just that he wants 50/50 over night split. It doesn't matter to him if the quality time spent with S is equal. He even said no to a 60/40 school year split, more consistency durning the week, and then picking up the extra overnights to make it 50/50 throughout the summer. So that in the calendar year it would total out to 50/50. I just don't understand his resistance to negotiation.
I called my IC after the appointment to get her take. She works in the same practice as Dr. C and I signed a waiver so they could talk to each other. I just love her because her specialty is working with women on rebuilding their lives after a relationship. She called me back and said she spoke to Dr. C and Dr. C told her how proud she was of me and the way I was during the meeting. I was all about the best interest of the child and clearly willing to come to a conclusion as long as it provided consistency for the child. I am so glad that the professional in the room was able to see how he was stone walling the process. She will confer with each of our L's next week as to the potential setback his lack of decision making is causing.
We came to a temporary (hopefully turned permanent) solution until the next collaborative session which is Sept 1.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Good for you for staying strong Ep, sometimes when someone else is freaking out that's all you can do. Sounds like your H was either triggered or just being an a-hole for the sake of some other reason.
Take this as a step in building your own confidence. You just went through what has to be the hardest meeting of a parent's life (barring illness and such), and acted like the adult. Be proud of that. You could have lost your temper too and turned it into a dual disaster.
Good work!
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
PP - thank you! I am very proud of the way I handled the meeting and it really is all about S for me. Clearly not for H. He looked like an a**
Sunny - I hope the process goes much smoother for you. good luck! thank you for helping me get through yesterday.
V - Thank you!
So what's next? I don't know. He is REALLY pissed that he is not getting his way. Major temper tantrum being thrown. I hope and pray his L will talk some sense into him and guide him in making a decision that is best for his S not for himself. Dr.C is planning on telling his L how stubborn he was being in the meeting and is creating a major setback in the process.
The next meeting date is September 1, it was supposed to be going over financial assignments now I am afraid we will waste more time on the time-sharing issue. It will slow the process down for me but I can't afford for it to keep going on and on and on over the same argument.
I am really at a loss right now in DB'ing. I am going to keep doing it for me but I am really starting to question his character and if I could ever go back to that. Major changes would have to occur. I am starting to see now how his temper and anger in the past really wore me down to where I would do anything to just make that go away. Really did not do myself any favors in that department so I do feel like this is doing a 180 for me.
How do I still be the lighthouse when he is so pissed at me? I just want to cry for this person he has become, he is so cruel.
New goals: 1. Do not let his temper and anger make me do something I am not comfortable with just to make him feel better 2. Do more GAL activities when S is not here (make a list) 3. Stay dark except for child related business that can't wait. No temp checking 4. Have a better PMA when around H
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Thank you for sharing your experience. Although I am in the very beginning of the process (husband left, no legal proceedings yet he is still considering whether he wants to work on relationship, don't think there is OW) I can relate to you questioning his character because he is not putting his S first. "I want to cry for this person he has become, he is so cruel". These are my sentiments as well. My husband does not want to give me full child support. He wants me to just give him an informal list of expenses. I feel scared to push for it cause I know that this will lead to no chance for reconciliation. My husband also always slept late and missed picking up my kids from school 4x.
I just had my first session with a DB coach and discussed my anger and resentments and talked about many of his selfish acts now and throughout our relationship. She told me to pretend I was my husband and answer questions about myself and my flaws. She helped me to empathize a little with him and it helped my anger. She pointed out that I should try to see things from his perspective and to not focus on my frusturations and Dissapointments. She told me to try to understand that his perception equals his reality. I felt better after I talked to her because I was no longer consumed with anger. I still feel like he is wrong and a lot of the times I am still furious but that night I did sleep better. The coach seemed to lean for going along with a list but our time was running up and I would need to clarify that during our next conversation. I would save any money not used for the kids immediatly for their futures and I know my husband would not...but if by compromising on this, it could help with reconciliation this would be best for kids in the long run. (Something I find myself questioning now as well is whether I want reconciliation with such a cruel person)
Anyway, I am impressed by your strength in not backing down for what is best for your son. You seem like a wonderful mother and good luck.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Julie - your H can not want to give you full child support but that isn't up to him. I think you should consult with a L and know your rights. You don't have to file or anything but please know he has to take care of his children. Thank you for saying that I seem like a wonderful mother. I am the best mother I know to be for my son and I am sure you are just as wonderful to your twins. Did you know that I am an identical twin? I cannot express to you how incredible the bond is between them. I am 33 and do not go more than a few hours without talking to my sis and do not go more than a day without seeing her. ******
I am struggling this week and I think it is from the stress of Tuesday's meeting. I am not coping well with missing my son when he isn't home. The hurt is deep for me because we tried to conceive for 3 years before doing IVF and receiving our miracle. I keep thinking about everything we both went through to become parents and he can break that family up so easily. I did not overcome infertility to only see my son part of the time and miss out on so many experiences he will have, that should have been had with both his parents beside him. I know this is something I am going to have to work on but it adds an extra layer of grief. This has been on my mind a lot this week and needed to write it down.
I FaceTimed with S4 last night and as soon as it connected and he saw my face he says "I wuv you Mommy. I just wuv you". Makes me melt.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Ep, I'm sorry you are struggling. You are right to focus on your child, let H blow in the wind if he must, but keep things are stable for your S as possible. You are doing a good job there, keep it up.
I really struggled with GAL in the beginning. Slowly, I found new friends (most of whom are single), and found some things I like to do (paddleboard, snorkel) and now I have to say I'm pretty good at it. What size city do you live in, do they have a Meetup group? Meetup has been great for me.
The other day, after I asked to proceed with the D, I asked STBX if he was happy, if this had turned out like he wanted, if he was happy with his R with his children. When he said, yes, he was happy with his R with the children, I'm pretty sure I had a horrified look on my face. He's happy with seeing D12 35% of the time, and taking D17 to dinner every couple of weeks. I will never understand how that's OK. Ever.
Sunny - What is a Meetup Group? I live in a big city on the water so I would like to find some more water sports activities, just don't want to spend a lot of money. I am sad my Dad moved away in February and gave his kayak away. Boo
I don't understand how your H is ok with that. My H was never around as a father to our S, always at work or doing his own thing even when he could have picked him up early from school. Now all of a sudden it is extremely important to him to have 50/50. I don't get it. My L just called and is really on my side about not letting him bully me into anything but also we need to decide if we want to continue with collaborative on this issue. We can settle everything else out of the courts and if we need to go to trial on time-sharing then so be it. UGH!
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
The hurt is deep for me because we tried to conceive for 3 years before doing IVF and receiving our miracle. I keep thinking about everything we both went through to become parents and he can break that family up so easily. I did not overcome infertility to only see my son part of the time and miss out on so many experiences he will have, that should have been had with both his parents beside him. I know this is something I am going to have to work on but it adds an extra layer of grief. This has been on my mind a lot this week and needed to write it down.
I know how you feel. My WW and I had IVF as well. We call D7 our miracle child as well. It is hard to comprehend how they can forget all of the history and love that has gone into the M. I pray everyday that my WW comes out of the fog. She is breaking my heart right now and hurting my children. I have always been a very involved father and she is trying to take that away from me and them. I get to see my kids every other weekend and 4 hours on a weekday. I feel like they are going to grow apart from me in a year. It makes me so sad. They need a good father in their life, especially right now. I hate missing their milestones. I hate the thought of some jerk being with my kids when I am supposed to be there.
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
WhyUs - I am so sorry she is doing that to you. My STBX hardly ever saw me or my S but I know how important it is that he have a relationship with our S. I hate that your WW is doing that to you. We are lucky enough that we at least are making it so that neither one of is going more than 3 days without seeing him. He would just prefer more overnights even though his work schedule just doesn't make that happen without really disrupting S's schedule. Have you spoken to a L yet to get more time with them? Sorry I will catch up on your sitch in a bit.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Ep, just google Meet Up and then look for your city. I live in Miami and there are a lot of active groups here. Hopefully your city will have something too. It's been a game changer for me.
Just read through all of your posts. Just wanted to say that I think you're doing well on your interactions with your H. Try to stay calm and let the process run it's course. Fight for what you want, but give in on what's not as important to you.
Now, with that said, I want you to post more on YOU. I see you've posted some info on your GAL activities periodically, and they seem pretty good. But I'd like to specifically understand what kinds of goals you have. What kinds of 180s you've been doing. And so on. What does the best ep0215 look like?
Azzork - Thank you for stopping by and giving me some things to chew on. I am ready to work on me, I am starting to understand that he may not ever come back around or it may be years before that happens to what will I do in the meantime. It won't be sitting around waiting for him to wake up, that is for sure.
I have been trying to see things from his side of things and what I want to change about myself, it has been difficult because he doesn't talk about anything so I literally have nothing verbal to go on. Reflecting back there are things I want to change about myself, I do my best at trying to explain.
1.) I want to be more collaborative with the parenting decisions. Since he was never physically around I pushed him aside and made the calls without him and then informed him later. I see now that was not good. I want to ask his opinion before making the decision instead of unilaterally deciding what is best.
2.) Make eye contact when talking to people. I must come across as not paying attention or don't care attitude. Show I am listening and I am interested in what is being said.
3.) Don't be afraid to say no. I tend to clam up when anyone asks me to do something and I don't want to do it.
These are just a few things I have been thinking about this weekend. I am sure there are more but don't want to overwhelm myself.
goals: 1. Do not let his temper and anger make me do something I am not comfortable with just to make him feel better 2. Do more GAL activities when S is not here (Start Bucket List) 3. Stay dark except for child related business. No temp checking 4. Have a better PMA when around H
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Whew what a weekend! Spent the day yesterday shopping and day dreaming about what I would do to my house. S4 and I went to church today, MIL was there and took us out to brunch after. It was really nice to spend time with her and just chat. We have such a close relationship and I haven't seen her since June. We didn't bring up anything going on and just talked about normal things. Then I took S to the zoo. We had a blast! All in all a very good weekend. good night peeps
Part of a Hymn from church this morning that really resonated with me:
And I won't worry about tomorrow I'm giving You my fears and sorrows Where You lead me I will follow I'm trusting in what You say Today is the day
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Hi drpq - thanks for stopping by. I will read your posts today, our timelines seem very similar.
I am getting nervous, sad and excited for tomorrow. Tomorrow is S4's first day of pre-K. I don't have him tonight so I TM STBXH yesterday letting him know that I would meet him at the school 30 minutes early so we could take pictures and meet his teacher. his reply was "ok. sounds good". I know I will cry, my baby is growing up. I REALLY REALLY want to stay positive around STBXH and I am trying not to dwell on the fact that he will probably show up late, what if I don't have enough time getting the pictures I want, etc. I am trying not to expect anything but my mind keeps going there.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
so exciting! My husband and I both cried on the first day of preschool. As someone who hasto be early to everything, I understand how you feel, but It's out of your control so no use in getting upset or letting anyone see you upset. Much easier to go with the flow. Even if he is late, You can still get great pictures and teachers will understand. Enjoy every second.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Today was great! I got a few good pictures of him and he was so excited! I can't wait to pick him up tomorrow and hear all about it. He only said "good" on the phone earlier.
Today I am thankful for sweet neighbors. I got home from working late and notice my trash cans were pulled to the curb. This isn't the first time I found them pulled down or pulled back up to the house. I asked him if he had been doing that, he said yes it's no big deal. I said it is a big deal to me and I really appreciate it. I am going to bake them my famous sausage/cheese breakfast bread to thank them.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
EP, that is one of my favorite memories for both of my sons. They will stick with me forever. Pics are still in wall at my desk still.
Good neighbors ard hard to find for sure. Now I have a question for you...it is more something to ponder, During your marriage how many times did your husband take out the trash cans. Did you ever think of making him that special meal as a thank you?
Now that sounds preposterous, right? I would bet that there is a deep reSentiment flowing with husband not feeling appreciated over the years. Now this goes BOTH ways without a doubt. Something to think about for the future interactions and the like with your husband, showing appreciation for things he will do.
It can start small with thank you so muches when dealing with son. This is precisely what folks around here are getting to when we talk; treat him like a friendly neighbor.
I will be honest. I did not show my wife enough appreciation for ALL of the many things she has done for me, kids, family through the years. Nor did she...nowhere near enough as far as I was concerned. When I figured it out, our marriage was already on deaths door.
It has become a daily focus to tell her, show her how appreciative I am of all the things that she does. It is contagious BTW showing people thanks. I even see them do the same to others. Guys at work, wife, in-laws. It is definitely something to think about as a 180 for the future.
I totally agree with you that this is a 180 for me. I know that I did not thank him enough or give enough words of affirmation. I am not good at that with anyone and do want to change that about myself. Thanks for reminding me to put that on my goals list.
He NEVER took out the garbage even when I would remind him about garbage day. We consistently missed garbage day, so having someone take that responsibility without asking felt nice.
This is just me thinking this through, but I guess I never thought about thanking/praising him for doing things that were just expected of you. I never got a thank you for cleaning the house, doing the grocery shopping, taking care of the pets, etc. I see how that can lead to resentment. Why not thank him? What’s the harm? I know now what the harm is in not being grateful. LOL
I have been doing a lot of thinking on what I want moving forward from my partner. I want someone to take care of me but not just monetarily. I want someone who can keep me grounded; who has integrity when dealing with relationships. No game playing or lies. A leader of my family, a provider to the lives entrusted to him by God. I want him to recognize himself in me and have a connection, be drawn to each other spiritually. I want this all but deep down I still want it to be my H. I want him to be this man, the man I thought he was.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
EP, that is one of my favorite memories for both of my sons. They will stick with me forever. Pics are still in wall at my desk still.
Good neighbors ard hard to find for sure. Now I have a question for you...it is more something to ponder, During your marriage how many times did your husband take out the trash cans. Did you ever think of making him that special meal as a thank you?
Now that sounds preposterous, right? I would bet that there is a deep reSentiment flowing with husband not feeling appreciated over the years. Now this goes BOTH ways without a doubt. Something to think about for the future interactions and the like with your husband, showing appreciation for things he will do.
It can start small with thank you so muches when dealing with son. This is precisely what folks around here are getting to when we talk; treat him like a friendly neighbor.
I will be honest. I did not show my wife enough appreciation for ALL of the many things she has done for me, kids, family through the years. Nor did she...nowhere near enough as far as I was concerned. When I figured it out, our marriage was already on deaths door.
It has become a daily focus to tell her, show her how appreciative I am of all the things that she does. It is contagious BTW showing people thanks. I even see them do the same to others. Guys at work, wife, in-laws. It is definitely something to think about as a 180 for the future.
Hugs
Just want to say how much I like this post. I need to remember to start doing more of this.
This is just me thinking this through, but I guess I never thought about thanking/praising him for doing things that were just expected of you. I never got a thank you for cleaning the house, doing the grocery shopping, taking care of the pets, etc. I see how that can lead to resentment. Why not thank him? What’s the harm? I know now what the harm is in not being grateful. LOL
How would you treat somebody that you expected NOTHING from?
Thats how we should be treating our walkaway spouses.
So how exactly does that work when I am dark? If I notice something or want to say something should I reach out just to say thank you? Maybe I need to start going dim.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
So how exactly does that work when I am dark? If I notice something or want to say something should I reach out just to say thank you? Maybe I need to start going dim.
If you have a kid together, there is only so dark you can go. The way I understand it, being "dark" is total no contact. You cant do that....you have a kid together! So, you still have some contact about schedules and activities and care and what not. There are plenty of opportunities to validate and offer thanks.
I am glad you are willing to look at yourself in this...it is an absolute necessity for you to come out at the 'Woman you want to become.'
"This is just me thinking this through, but I guess I never thought about thanking/praising him for doing things that were just expected of you. I never got a thank you for cleaning the house, doing the grocery shopping, taking care of the pets, etc. I see how that can lead to resentment. Why not thank him? What’s the harm? I know now what the harm is in not being grateful. LOL"
I could type for a month and not succinctly express how I feel about this topic. Both spouses contribute to this. Both spouses built up resentment for years for not feeling appreciated. I know that is ultimately why I am here, among many others.
you are here so that it is why you must be the first to say, 'why not' and just do it. First you will have to let go of your resentment of his unappreciativeness towards you in the past(is that a word...it is now). Why? because we do things out of love and do not expect things in return. That is true giving out of love. that is showing how we feel without expectations or attaching a result to what we do. I do understand being angry at not being appreciated. REALLY I DO. we have to give that up at work, at home, in relationships.
Last summer my kids were playing with a bunch of the neighborhood kids in the back yard. they ran through a ground wasp nest and holy hell broke loose. I finally got them all inside and they were terrorized and wasps were still clinging and stinging them all. Anyways fast forward through the eradication of those pests. my neighbor is an ER nurse. she came over and put on some witches brew with lavender oil and a bunch of other stuff and started treating all five terrorized pre-teens. it was amazing.
anyway, the next day I took my boys and got flowers and had them go to her house and give them to her with a nice thank-you note. She started crying and hugged me...evidently she had not been given flowers in a decade and a half of marriage. she had not been told thank-you in a way that mattered to her for EVERYTHING she does.
made me think quite a bit about my marriage. I have gotten wife flowers as a thank-you once or twice a month for the last year. I know I've posted this before. It is just a minor reminder to my wife how much I appreciate her efforts. I honestly don't EXPECT anything back for the minor little gifts. it makes me feel good doing it.
And as Azz said, you are not quite dark with a little one in the mix, so there will be plenty of chances to shine as you are becoming the light!!!
Thank you Zephyr and Azzork - I have been thinking about this and this was a nice reminder of what I need to keep doing. I guess I say 'dark' but I do keep him updated on kid things and talk to him when I have to. I have stopped just reaching out to reach out. If it can wait until I see him or know I am going to talk to him about a kid thing then I will wait to tell him non-important things at that time.
It is time for me to start being the lighthouse. I feel like I am ready to start letting go of the anger and resentment for the 'unappreciativenss' and for the past behavior. I do not want to be that person who holds grudges. I didn't think I was doing that but now I see that I probably was. Today is a new day and I can start over.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
I need some advice - I had to take our dog to the vet this morning to have her teeth extracted (she broke 3). I have been keeping H in the loop and let him pick the day that was best for him to pick her up and give her TLC while I am at work.
I let him know when she went into surgery and when I spoke to the vet about when she woke up. She is 12 years old so we were a little bit worried about her being under. Anyway, he was supposed to pick her up at 4:00, I haven't gotten an update or that he has even picked her up. This isn't the first time something like this has happened. I hate having to reach out to him to find out information. How can I make this a boundary that I would like for him to keep me in the loop like I have been with him.
One time he didn't call me for 2 hours after he took my S to the doctor and he had Strep Throat. I was so mad that he didn't call me right away.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
I decided to TM H at 5:30 to ask if he picked up the dog
Me: Did you pick up Fido? H: yes (this really bugged me because like a fool I expected more information. I know, I know, expect nothing) (and I shouldn't have responded when I was mad) Me: I would like for you to keep me in the loop, like I do for you
As soon as I hit send I knew I shouldn't have sent it.
2 seconds later he is calling. Immediately starts in annoyed "why would you send a text like that?"
I tried explaining that I have been worried for over an hour and would have expected you to fill me in on her status as soon as you picked her up. We talked it out and he had every excuse in the book. "I picked her up late so it has only been an hour not an hour and a half. I have been stuck in traffic" Whatever.
We ended up staying on the phone for 25 minutes just talking about random things once he cooled down. I haven't had a 25 minute casual conversation with him in 4 months. I think it was a good sign, maybe he has missed talking to me. I made him laugh a few times and then ended the call first because I had plans
I think we may have made a teeny bit of progress.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
ep - It's so hard. I still struggle with "how do I get information without 1) pursuing or 2) being controlling or 3) being insulting?"
As you can see, that text you sent comes across like youre judging and controlling...like you need him to check in with you about every little thing. I understand the need, and I dont have a solution. Just letting you know you arent alone here!
Azzork - yes! exactly! I struggle with not wanting to be/sound controlling but I am so frustrated when he seems to make me beg for information. Thanks for letting me know I am not alone in this type of predicament.
I knew as soon as I typed it that it wasn't good
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Got a call from L yesterday that apparently Dr. C wants to meet with just me and L before our joint session on Tuesday to see where I am at with the weekly time-sharing plan. I am still where I was when I left two weeks ago. My decision has not changed. I will choose from one of the plans we laid out on paper that gives my S a consistent and stable schedule but quality time with each parent.
This made me very nervous because I feel like I am being pressured and bullied into bending to what he wants since he is stonewalling. My L assured me he won't let that happen. I want to believe that she is trying to protect our S since I am the only one stating my side as 'best interest of the child'. I think she wants to meet with us separately and not the other side because she wants to figure out how to play it once we are all together. I asked him she plans on meeting with him and his team and she said no.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Ep, I'm watching this with interest. In the collaborative model, Dr. C is there to watch out for your S, not for either you or your H. So being able to meet with her alone is a good thing, you can explain your point of view without being in a tense situation. Hopefully the feedback you get will make you more comfortable about the 5-way.
Thank you Sunny - you are right. She is there to protect S's best interest. Thank you for letting me see it in another perspective. That is why I love this forum. That does ease my anxiety...a little
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
GAL plans for this weekend were a lot of fun. My Mom and S had a sleep over last night so I got to go out on a Saturday night. That hasn't happened in probably 6 months. I decided to go out with my sister and her friends I hadn't met yet and had the best time. It was the UF alumni pub crawl.
Today S and I are going to have some water fun and then go play at a friends house.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
I'm a ball of nerves and anxiety about this meeting. I know I need to calm down and get my head in the game. I know I have S4's best interest at heart and not my own agenda. I know Dr. C does too, she is there for him. H says he does but I don't believe anything he says anymore.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Ep, it's pretty common in a D to use our kids as an excuse to do what we want. (It's best for them, really......) So your H might be doing that. But I know you aren't, and that's where the expertise of Dr. C is going to come in. Breathe, hang in there, and be grateful that you and H and Dr C are going to work this out together instead of some judge in a courtroom that isn't trained to deal with children and that's never met any of you. Let us know how it goes, please.
Good luck on the meeting. I know that even if you are aware that Dr. C is there to protect the interests of your S, the personal stakes are so high for you that it is very normal to be anxious. This will be expected, & not read as something to be concerned with. If anything it shows how worried about your S you are. If H meets w/ her it is all cool, rational argument, Dr is very likely to see this as not being focused on the interests of your S and worried about the outcome for S. That's part of the training & experience. So, relax and just allow yourself to be nervous (I know that sounds odd, but I mean just that - don't pile on your nervousness by being nervous about how you appear. You will appear like a concerned mom. That's in your favor.
On the earlier TM about H's lack of info on your dog, I don't see anything wrong with demanding that you be informed how your dog is doing. It is not about you or him, it is about a loved pet. You have every right to insist on good communication when it comes to your S and your pets (obviously the former is far more important). He is the one being unreasonable here. That said, try to think ahead and communicate your expectations to H so that he can meet them without feeling criticized when he doesn't do what you want but haven't made clear. This is especially true if this is a R pattern with the two of you. Work on changing that.
If there are ongoing problems w/ communication on S, then you present your concerns and ask him for what he thinks would be best to do to improve things for S's sake.
So, practice communicating expectations so that he has a chance to meet them, and then thank him for doing so, rather than expecting him to read your mind (he has shown he can't) and then criticize him (your TM was a very indirect & mild criticism, but what he heard was that he failed and was wrong, just saying). He needs help figuring out how to meet your needs and expectations, and then you can reinforce that with appreciation. A much healthier dynamic/pattern emerges.
Again, good luck on that meeting.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Sorry I haven’t updated you all. I am super swamped at work and was out with my Mom and Sister last night after the 3 hour meeting until 10:00 pm.
Good news – We have a signed parenting plan that is in the best interest of our child.
Bad news – I hate this whole f’ed up process. I am not happy that I only get my child 50% of the time (60/40 school year split and he has to make up the extra overnights throughout the summer and the holiday breaks) and I am sure he feels the same way but this is what he wanted, right? I did not struggle for 3 years of infertility, fight tooth and nail to have a child, to have this happen to us. I feel like I am back to day one in the grieving process. I have been very emotional the last few days.
Dr. C assured me that when I got there yesterday that she knew exactly where I was coming from and has heard my concerns and they are very valid. She said she could take his proposed schedule to any child Psychologist and they would say “are you crazy? You can’t do this to a 4 year old”. She called me to meet early to plan on how to present the final option to the other party and if I am good with this final option. I said yes and we all agreed that if he is still being combative then we will have to go to court. Basically a take it or leave it scenario.
She met with H and his L without me in the room and came back and said that he was in a much better mind set today and he agreed to the proposed plan. Thank goodness! I did stand my ground on narrowing down when he can make up the extra overnights. That is up to him and his problem to solve, I don’t have to do that anymore for him. If he decides it is too much work to figure out and schedule then that is on him and I will get extra time with my S.
We aren’t meeting again until October and that will be over finances. I am freaking out on how I will support my S on my income alone. He will have to give me spousal support because with a 50/50 parenting plan I am getting next to nothing in child support. I just don’t make enough money by myself.
In 4 days I will be on the beach on vacation with my sisters for 7 days so that is my focus for the rest of the week to get out of this funk!
Thank you all for your support and encouragement. I could not have made it through these last few meetings without you.
asitis - I will respond to your post later. I do like what you said about the communication/expectations thing. It is something I haven't wanted to change about our R for a long time but never did/do it right.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Ep, I'm so glad it worked out this way, that H was reasonable and you could keep it out of court. Everyone thinks court is going to solve everything, but judges are not child-centered and don't even know you or your kid. How can they make an intelligent decision? I'm glad it didn't come down to that.
Do you have a MHP (mental health professional) on your team? Or does Dr. C play that role, too?
I have my first meeting with our MHP tomorrow, and then STBX will see her after that. Our first 5-way is on the 17th. I don't anticipate any child related issues, we've been doing it the same way for 10 months now and works for all of us. My only concern at all is that we've never addressed holidays/birthdays, etc., last year we just did it all together as a family. H showed up early in the morning and we carried on as usual. That won't last forever, I'm sure the duck gave him a good deal of grief over it last year. So we need to make a plan.
Dr. C plays the role as MHP as well. I am so glad she is involved because I am not sure we would have come to an agreement without her.
Good luck with your meeting and I hope you like your MHP as much as I do. Strangely we worked out the holidays and birthdays and such very quickly. So what we did was alternate each holiday even/odd years. Special holidays for us are Halloween (my Mom's birthday) so we said we would celebrate together but alternated each other's neighborhoods. Also our birthdays we each get to have dinner and a night with S to celebrate. S4's birthday - whom ever has the overnight that year gives the other parent 2 hours to take him to dinner. I am not sure how his actual birthday party will go, if we will continue to do just one party or if he will throw one and I will throw one. He just turned 4 so I have a year to think about that. GOOD LUCK! HUGS
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Bad news – I hate this whole f’ed up process. I am not happy that I only get my child 50% of the time (60/40 school year split and he has to make up the extra overnights throughout the summer and the holiday breaks) and I am sure he feels the same way but this is what he wanted, right? I did not struggle for 3 years of infertility, fight tooth and nail to have a child, to have this happen to us. I feel like I am back to day one in the grieving process. I have been very emotional the last few days.
I totally feel for you. It really is unfair! My husband says that the issue is I did nothing for him. Only for the kids. I replied that my dedication to his children was for him. He strongly refutes this. Says no, it's for them not me...and now he threatens to ask for more child custody? Plus their leaving without trying to work on the marriage is not in the children's best interest. Doesn't that count for anything? Regardless of the unfairness of it all, I am happy that the schedule will work out in your sons best interest. You really are just letting your husband play in his own sandbox and that takes so much strength. You seem to be handling everything with so much dignity and practicality. You seem blessed with a great support system as well.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
One of my worst fears about this whole process came to fruition yesterday. I got to my son’s school and he wasn’t there! He was picked up by my MIL early and no one informed me. I am supposed to be able to see him for a few hours every Wednesday until H gets off work and if I can’t do it then it his responsibility to find another person. I NEVER want to feel the way I did at that moment ever again. Plus I was extremely embarrassed when the director told me he had already been picked up.
I immediately called my MIL to see what was going on. She informed me that H told her that the parenting plan stated that he was supposed to find someone to pick up S on Wednesdays. I wasn’t upset with her, I know she was just doing what H instructed her to do. I knew he was going to pull something like this because of the comments he made during the heated meeting a few weeks ago. His excuse was “since your whole argument for not giving me 50/50 was the number of transitions for S then I figured I would just make that problem go away.” I replied “you are right, my concern was for that to happen multiple times a week, multiple times a month. I compromised to that only happening once a week. If I have the ability to see S and spend time with him then I am going to take it. 50% of his time is already being taken away from both of us. Having your Mom pick him up is convenient for you right now because you are living with them, I am concerned with when you live alone.”
I just can’t help but feel that this was a spiteful, vindictive, act by him to get back at me. (I know I shouldn’t mind read) He said it won’t happen again and I really want to believe him. I called my MIL and explained that I wasn’t upset with her and that if in the future I can’t get him or if she wants to pick him up early then she needs to reach out to me and then notify me and H that our son was picked up and was safe. I do not think it is too much to ask. I have asked my sister and mother to do the same.
I am still so shaken up by this, plus I missed him terribly last night. I am leaving in 4 days on vacation and won’t see him for an entire week, I really wanted some extra snuggles this week.
I HATE DIVORCE!
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Wow. It sounds like you can't even rationalize with him. At least he said it won't happen again, so that's some acknowledgment that he was in the wrong. Is it helpful to document these events?
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I did send an FYI type email to my L stating what happened and that we need some clarification for both parties as to what should be happening. and did he think we needed to do anything or because I spoke to him just leave it be?
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
I am so confused! H just texted me pics of S4 in his swim class and is being all TM chatty. First time he has voluntarily sent me anything about S. It's like when I actually set a boundary and speak my mind he acts better. I am so so so confused but I am rolling with it and being flirty back.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
I'm really sorry that happened, and know I would feel angry & embarrassed if put in that situation.
Try to focus on the mechanics of the decision making process. What was wrong was not that his idea might not have been good or bad, but that he made a joint decision unilaterally and put both of your S & your MiL in the middle. Emphasize, that you are willing to work on the arrangements and that there will need to be tinkering as you try things and see how they go. But, decisions have to be made jointly. And that you think it is best for S to not have surprise changes from plans if possible.
After you settle down a little, try a different approach. Get back in touch. Say that you were caught of guard & upset, but you've thought about his idea, and see some merit in it. That we need to make these decisions jointly not unilaterally, so how does he think we can do what's best given his idea & some of the concerns you've both raised.
Yes, you'll still be pissed, but you also want him to feel like he can bring ideas too you, get heard, get some affirmation, and that working with you will be an opportunity for collaboration not conflict. He will likely not pick this right away, and keep acting in conflict mode for a while. Just listen, and if you get pissed, nicely and thoughtfully say you need to think on it and get back to him. Thank him for bringing his ideas up and that you appreciate being able to work together for everyone's benefit. You can be pissed and rant here rather than respond to your H in the heat of the moment.
Eventually, by responding this way, he will almost certainly settle down and start following your lead. You may even find that when you get back to him, having show you would take his ideas and needs seriously, that he has done some thinking as well. He may surprise you by volunteering that he thought more about it and isn't as sure as he was that it was a good idea.
Bring the idea here and we can try to help see it from the outside and maybe give you a way to either compromise or at least turn the discussion into a more cooperative working things out rather than a power struggle.
The whole process really stinks. I always wonder why our WASs want to go through years or decades of this rather than investing themselves in working to see if we can salvage the M, but there you go.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I'm really sorry that happened, and know I would feel angry & embarrassed if put in that situation.
Try to focus on the mechanics of the decision making process. What was wrong was not that his idea might not have been good or bad, but that he made a joint decision unilaterally and put both of your S & your MiL in the middle. Emphasize, that you are willing to work on the arrangements and that there will need to be tinkering as you try things and see how they go. But, decisions have to be made jointly. And that you think it is best for S to not have surprise changes from plans if possible.
After you settle down a little, try a different approach. Get back in touch. Say that you were caught of guard & upset, but you've thought about his idea, and see some merit in it. That we need to make these decisions jointly not unilaterally, so how does he think we can do what's best given his idea & some of the concerns you've both raised.
Yes, you'll still be pissed, but you also want him to feel like he can bring ideas too you, get heard, get some affirmation, and that working with you will be an opportunity for collaboration not conflict. He will likely not pick this right away, and keep acting in conflict mode for a while. Just listen, and if you get pissed, nicely and thoughtfully say you need to think on it and get back to him. Thank him for bringing his ideas up and that you appreciate being able to work together for everyone's benefit. You can be pissed and rant here rather than respond to your H in the heat of the moment.
Eventually, by responding this way, he will almost certainly settle down and start following your lead. You may even find that when you get back to him, having show you would take his ideas and needs seriously, that he has done some thinking as well. He may surprise you by volunteering that he thought more about it and isn't as sure as he was that it was a good idea.
Bring the idea here and we can try to help see it from the outside and maybe give you a way to either compromise or at least turn the discussion into a more cooperative working things out rather than a power struggle.
The whole process really stinks. I always wonder why our WASs want to go through years or decades of this rather than investing themselves in working to see if we can salvage the M, but there you go.
This is why I love this forum! This is exactly what I have been wanting with H just didn't know how to articulate it. I have been thinking about reaching out and doing what you suggested so I am so glad you said that. I just don't want this pattern to be the way we work together to co-parent. It needs to change for sure. This is a definite 180 for me.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
I want to call H and let him know that I was upset when I called him yesterday because I was taken aback by S4 not being at the school when I expected him to be. I have thought about what happened and I can see his point of view and that the decision he made has merit. I was upset because the decision was made unilaterally and not jointly. I want to work on the time sharing arrangements and I realize that things may need tweaking as time goes on, those decisions need to be made as a team. How do you think we can put S first given your idea and our concerns regarding the number of transitions?
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Ep, I would have been upset beyond words. Good advice to step back and breathe and approach H in a cooperative way. You have a lot of years of parenting together, there will be bumps, but this approach will serve you well.
I'm thinking of reaching out to H tomorrow to talk about what happened on Wednesday. He is already at work for the night so I know he wouldn't 'hear' me if I tried to talk to him tonight. I definitely want to talk to him before I leave Monday on my girls trip. Have a great weekend everyone and I will fill you in after the talk.
EP
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
For the first time since H moved out in May S4 is crying "I want my daddy. I miss my daddy". I don't know what to do. I have told him that I miss him too and that I love him. It breaks my heart. I have no idea if he cries for me when he is with H. A part of me wants to each out and TM him but then I think if I feel I should do it then don't do it. I hate what this does to our children. Ugh.
Vacation away from this sh$t can't come soon enough. Atleast there is wifi and I can FaceTime S every day but that is going to be the worst part about the trip.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Just hold your S and give him all of the love you can. Stay strong for him. Tell him you love him and his daddy loves him. And that he will see his daddy soon. Say you can do something special together tomorrow.
I hate it so much too. But be the rock your family needs, ep.
Uugh. That just bites. I don't know if TM him will help at all. IFK. You have to do what you can. This is not going away. I would bet you s behaves same at is father's house.
Thanks guys. I will keep it to myself. I gave him extra hugs and kisses and let him know we will play trains in the morning. (His favorite thing to do). Then I get "I don't love you. I love Daddy" gut punch. I said " well I love Daddy too and he loves you". Walked to my room and cried. We are talking about the sweetest, most lovable affectionate child ever saying this.
Ugh I am not sure he's only 4 and not 14
Last edited by ep0215; 09/05/1501:07 AM.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Just remember that he IS 4. He doesn't really understand love (oh, he'll. do any of us?)
My kids will say that one minute and then be the sweetest most loving things 15 minutes later.
He loves you, ep. He's just confused about what's going on, and took it out on you. Get on the floor and play ALL OF THE TRAINS tomorrow with him.
By the way, you may not want to be saying "I love daddy too" to him. I'd focus on your relationship with S. You can say that daddy loves him. But I think it can be confusing to say you love daddy....because he's going to ask why you aren't together. Then what will you say?
My 6 year old told me he didn't feel like she belonged in any family the other day. He's been with me, at W's and a lot at grandma's (when W has been away working). I had to tell him that he and his sister will always be MY family. Now he just has more families. And they all love him.
I hate this part the most.
Last edited by Azzork; 09/05/1501:14 AM. Reason: I can't type
The children's reactions are so hard! I feel for you. One of my sons (he has some behavior/sensory issues ) actually said to me " when daddy can't take me anymore he gives me to you and when you can't take me anymore you can give me to daddy". He thought it was his behavior that was the cause of the exchange. I was in tears when I heard that remark. I told him we love him when he makes good choices and bad choices and that I always want to play and be with him.
If your husband is anything like mine, he will think you are trying to make him feel guilty if you text him. (Learned this 6 mos ago in counseling when I would text him how the kids were reacting to his absences)
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Yeah, try not to think too much about what the kids say. They don't mean it, it just a rough time for them also and things are confusing. My D4 would tell me last year pre-BD she wanted me to go in the big water (die). I took it personal at first but its just how all kids are.
Time to start a new thread.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I get this a lot from S3, and did a bit from S6. It just means they miss the other parent & can't put that into words. They are hurt, scared, and perhaps a bit angry. They lash out because they can't understand what they are feeling.
Practice the listen & validate, but add reflect to this. Lots of "I understand, you sound like you're X." "I know it is hard and you don't like that your dad won't be around when you want him, and that hurts." "It's normal to feel this way. We all do sometimes."
Once they feel heard and you've worked with them to help them identify and contain the chaos of feelings, you can plant a seed that it isn't that you don't love mama, but you are upset that this means dad won't be hear."
Then, big breath and figure out something playful to do. Something that starts the giggles and entails you getting down to the child's level. This allows him to restore and strengthen the emotional bond with you. It also gives him the safety to begin exploring some of those feelings & thoughts that have been troubling him. Don't expect much at this age, as the brain can't really conceptualize what is going on at this point. You still might find some very pointed questions or some shrewd observations volunteered by your S after some child's play with you, and as he grows older, it will help nonetheless.
My S6 often needs a bit of time after the play & discussions to be by himself to talk through what he has felt & heard. It doesn't really matter that this may seem like an overly simple understanding (but maybe they sometimes understand these things better than we do), but don't butt in. It is a way of processing and integrating the feelings, the thoughts, the security of the attachment bond with you. It is a very good thing, even if you hear some errors. Don't interrupt. Give some space. Not all kids do this last part, but if your's does, give him the bit and let him take himself wherever he is going in his head.
Other kids will just sit and think quietly for a bit. They might not look happy, but again, don't intrude. Don't worry that he is still upset. Trust me, he'll let you know if he is.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Please start a new thread. You have 112 postings/replies.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
