The way his schedule is laid out, yes, I believe it is not in S4's best interest to switch off every other day one week and then 4 nights in a row another.
There are way too many transitions back and forth during the actual week for his age. He really is having a hard time knowing if he is coming or going. Always asking me "where am I going?" My IC has a lot of training in counseling young children and agrees that at 4 years old he is too young for the bouncing back and forth.
Did I answer your question?
Almost. What I was trying to get you to say was something like, "he is too young for the bouncing back and forth because ...." and then fill in the blank. Because his dad lives in a tiny house and his homework requires him to build full scale models of Roman ruins nightly. Because his dad won't take him to school--ever, and he'll miss 64 days this year. Because he doesn't understand the concept of schedules and screams unceasingly for six hours straight when it doesn't turn out like he thought. My point is.....just because he asks where he's going doesn't meant it's detrimental to him. That's totally normal for a kid his age, D or not.
Don't misunderstand me, I'm not challenging your schedule, nor am I proposing anything else. I'm just challenging you to clarify your position, understand where these feelings are coming from. For your sake as much as S's.
S is too young for the back and forth schedule because he is starting real school and there will be homework and projects. H is unreliable, consistently late for everything. He overslept many days and didn't take S to daycare, even when the week was paid for, lost out on that money. I am afraid he won't take him to school just like you said, that hit a note in me, and they are required to go or the school loses their funding for VPK. So he can't just sleep in anymore. I am going to keep thinking about this tonight and get some sleep before tomorrow.
He was supposed to pick up S tonight at 7:30, it is now 9:05, haven't heard from him. I gave S a bath and put him to bed. I wonder if he will even show up in the morning before I have to leave for work. Currently we have no daycare options for Tuesday's and Thursday's because he is off so those are his 'weekend', I pray he shows up in the morning before I leave for work.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Ok, Ep, you did a good job. Let your child expert know those concerns.
In my opinion, this is more damaging than anything else you said:
Originally Posted By: ep0215
He was supposed to pick up S tonight at 7:30, it is now 9:05, haven't heard from him.
I give my H credit for stepping up and being a better dad than he was before, to one of his kids at least. If he started pulling stuff like that on a regular basis, I'd have a cow. It's heartbreaking for a kid to stand there and wait on a dad who doesn't show up or even call. That's way out of bounds in my book.
He showed up this morning (30 minutes late) like nothing happened. I didn't keep my cool as well as I should have. Momma bear took over, you don't upset her cub.
Me: (in a nice tone) hey, what happened last night? You didn't call or show up.
H: (shocked) What do you mean? I have him Tuesday-Thursday, this is what we talked about. (getting pissed)
Me: You have had him every Monday night...(cuts me off)
H: No I haven't! We agreed on Tuesday-Thursday
Me: I have it documented on the days you have had him since May, we can talk about it this afternoon. Have a good day.
Oh I don't think we are going to get much accomplished in this hour but it is my goal to walk out of there with something in writing so this crap doesn't happen anymore. I am just annoyed by it all, this whole f'ed up thing.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Oh I forgot to say that when I got to work I pulled out my highlighted calendars and sure enough since May he has had him Monday, Tuesday and Thursday nights except 3 times!
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
I am so pissed and annoyed. He is just so stubborn and would not be collaborative. He kept bringing his option to the table as his only option. Said no to every option brought to the table by me or the mediator. I am too upset to give a full recap right now. I did stay calm though. Truth darted him when I needed to and let set him on the rampage. Threatened taking things to litigation. Dr. C stopped that right there.
At least I have a temporary arrangement on paper until the next session. Gawd it never ends.
Going bowling with my girls to throw some frustration down the lane.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Good grief, Ep, I'm sorry. Apparently H doesn't understand the basics of the collaborative process. Luckily the child expert is there to guide the process. So what's next?
So the meeting started out with me stating that the mishap last night happened because we seem to have two understandings as to what the current parenting schedule is so I am not leaving today without something written down by all the parties. Dr. C agreed that was a good idea. I am very proud of the fact that I stayed calm, stood my ground and everything I said was to the benefit of the child not to my needs or wants. He never once mentions what was in the best interest of the child but to what was easiest on his schedule.
His whole argument is just that he wants 50/50 over night split. It doesn't matter to him if the quality time spent with S is equal. He even said no to a 60/40 school year split, more consistency durning the week, and then picking up the extra overnights to make it 50/50 throughout the summer. So that in the calendar year it would total out to 50/50. I just don't understand his resistance to negotiation.
I called my IC after the appointment to get her take. She works in the same practice as Dr. C and I signed a waiver so they could talk to each other. I just love her because her specialty is working with women on rebuilding their lives after a relationship. She called me back and said she spoke to Dr. C and Dr. C told her how proud she was of me and the way I was during the meeting. I was all about the best interest of the child and clearly willing to come to a conclusion as long as it provided consistency for the child. I am so glad that the professional in the room was able to see how he was stone walling the process. She will confer with each of our L's next week as to the potential setback his lack of decision making is causing.
We came to a temporary (hopefully turned permanent) solution until the next collaborative session which is Sept 1.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Good for you for staying strong Ep, sometimes when someone else is freaking out that's all you can do. Sounds like your H was either triggered or just being an a-hole for the sake of some other reason.
Take this as a step in building your own confidence. You just went through what has to be the hardest meeting of a parent's life (barring illness and such), and acted like the adult. Be proud of that. You could have lost your temper too and turned it into a dual disaster.
Good work!
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
