Dr. C plays the role as MHP as well. I am so glad she is involved because I am not sure we would have come to an agreement without her.
Good luck with your meeting and I hope you like your MHP as much as I do. Strangely we worked out the holidays and birthdays and such very quickly. So what we did was alternate each holiday even/odd years. Special holidays for us are Halloween (my Mom's birthday) so we said we would celebrate together but alternated each other's neighborhoods. Also our birthdays we each get to have dinner and a night with S to celebrate. S4's birthday - whom ever has the overnight that year gives the other parent 2 hours to take him to dinner. I am not sure how his actual birthday party will go, if we will continue to do just one party or if he will throw one and I will throw one. He just turned 4 so I have a year to think about that. GOOD LUCK! HUGS
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Bad news – I hate this whole f’ed up process. I am not happy that I only get my child 50% of the time (60/40 school year split and he has to make up the extra overnights throughout the summer and the holiday breaks) and I am sure he feels the same way but this is what he wanted, right? I did not struggle for 3 years of infertility, fight tooth and nail to have a child, to have this happen to us. I feel like I am back to day one in the grieving process. I have been very emotional the last few days.
I totally feel for you. It really is unfair! My husband says that the issue is I did nothing for him. Only for the kids. I replied that my dedication to his children was for him. He strongly refutes this. Says no, it's for them not me...and now he threatens to ask for more child custody? Plus their leaving without trying to work on the marriage is not in the children's best interest. Doesn't that count for anything? Regardless of the unfairness of it all, I am happy that the schedule will work out in your sons best interest. You really are just letting your husband play in his own sandbox and that takes so much strength. You seem to be handling everything with so much dignity and practicality. You seem blessed with a great support system as well.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
One of my worst fears about this whole process came to fruition yesterday. I got to my son’s school and he wasn’t there! He was picked up by my MIL early and no one informed me. I am supposed to be able to see him for a few hours every Wednesday until H gets off work and if I can’t do it then it his responsibility to find another person. I NEVER want to feel the way I did at that moment ever again. Plus I was extremely embarrassed when the director told me he had already been picked up.
I immediately called my MIL to see what was going on. She informed me that H told her that the parenting plan stated that he was supposed to find someone to pick up S on Wednesdays. I wasn’t upset with her, I know she was just doing what H instructed her to do. I knew he was going to pull something like this because of the comments he made during the heated meeting a few weeks ago. His excuse was “since your whole argument for not giving me 50/50 was the number of transitions for S then I figured I would just make that problem go away.” I replied “you are right, my concern was for that to happen multiple times a week, multiple times a month. I compromised to that only happening once a week. If I have the ability to see S and spend time with him then I am going to take it. 50% of his time is already being taken away from both of us. Having your Mom pick him up is convenient for you right now because you are living with them, I am concerned with when you live alone.”
I just can’t help but feel that this was a spiteful, vindictive, act by him to get back at me. (I know I shouldn’t mind read) He said it won’t happen again and I really want to believe him. I called my MIL and explained that I wasn’t upset with her and that if in the future I can’t get him or if she wants to pick him up early then she needs to reach out to me and then notify me and H that our son was picked up and was safe. I do not think it is too much to ask. I have asked my sister and mother to do the same.
I am still so shaken up by this, plus I missed him terribly last night. I am leaving in 4 days on vacation and won’t see him for an entire week, I really wanted some extra snuggles this week.
I HATE DIVORCE!
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Wow. It sounds like you can't even rationalize with him. At least he said it won't happen again, so that's some acknowledgment that he was in the wrong. Is it helpful to document these events?
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I did send an FYI type email to my L stating what happened and that we need some clarification for both parties as to what should be happening. and did he think we needed to do anything or because I spoke to him just leave it be?
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
I am so confused! H just texted me pics of S4 in his swim class and is being all TM chatty. First time he has voluntarily sent me anything about S. It's like when I actually set a boundary and speak my mind he acts better. I am so so so confused but I am rolling with it and being flirty back.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
I'm really sorry that happened, and know I would feel angry & embarrassed if put in that situation.
Try to focus on the mechanics of the decision making process. What was wrong was not that his idea might not have been good or bad, but that he made a joint decision unilaterally and put both of your S & your MiL in the middle. Emphasize, that you are willing to work on the arrangements and that there will need to be tinkering as you try things and see how they go. But, decisions have to be made jointly. And that you think it is best for S to not have surprise changes from plans if possible.
After you settle down a little, try a different approach. Get back in touch. Say that you were caught of guard & upset, but you've thought about his idea, and see some merit in it. That we need to make these decisions jointly not unilaterally, so how does he think we can do what's best given his idea & some of the concerns you've both raised.
Yes, you'll still be pissed, but you also want him to feel like he can bring ideas too you, get heard, get some affirmation, and that working with you will be an opportunity for collaboration not conflict. He will likely not pick this right away, and keep acting in conflict mode for a while. Just listen, and if you get pissed, nicely and thoughtfully say you need to think on it and get back to him. Thank him for bringing his ideas up and that you appreciate being able to work together for everyone's benefit. You can be pissed and rant here rather than respond to your H in the heat of the moment.
Eventually, by responding this way, he will almost certainly settle down and start following your lead. You may even find that when you get back to him, having show you would take his ideas and needs seriously, that he has done some thinking as well. He may surprise you by volunteering that he thought more about it and isn't as sure as he was that it was a good idea.
Bring the idea here and we can try to help see it from the outside and maybe give you a way to either compromise or at least turn the discussion into a more cooperative working things out rather than a power struggle.
The whole process really stinks. I always wonder why our WASs want to go through years or decades of this rather than investing themselves in working to see if we can salvage the M, but there you go.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I'm really sorry that happened, and know I would feel angry & embarrassed if put in that situation.
Try to focus on the mechanics of the decision making process. What was wrong was not that his idea might not have been good or bad, but that he made a joint decision unilaterally and put both of your S & your MiL in the middle. Emphasize, that you are willing to work on the arrangements and that there will need to be tinkering as you try things and see how they go. But, decisions have to be made jointly. And that you think it is best for S to not have surprise changes from plans if possible.
After you settle down a little, try a different approach. Get back in touch. Say that you were caught of guard & upset, but you've thought about his idea, and see some merit in it. That we need to make these decisions jointly not unilaterally, so how does he think we can do what's best given his idea & some of the concerns you've both raised.
Yes, you'll still be pissed, but you also want him to feel like he can bring ideas too you, get heard, get some affirmation, and that working with you will be an opportunity for collaboration not conflict. He will likely not pick this right away, and keep acting in conflict mode for a while. Just listen, and if you get pissed, nicely and thoughtfully say you need to think on it and get back to him. Thank him for bringing his ideas up and that you appreciate being able to work together for everyone's benefit. You can be pissed and rant here rather than respond to your H in the heat of the moment.
Eventually, by responding this way, he will almost certainly settle down and start following your lead. You may even find that when you get back to him, having show you would take his ideas and needs seriously, that he has done some thinking as well. He may surprise you by volunteering that he thought more about it and isn't as sure as he was that it was a good idea.
Bring the idea here and we can try to help see it from the outside and maybe give you a way to either compromise or at least turn the discussion into a more cooperative working things out rather than a power struggle.
The whole process really stinks. I always wonder why our WASs want to go through years or decades of this rather than investing themselves in working to see if we can salvage the M, but there you go.
This is why I love this forum! This is exactly what I have been wanting with H just didn't know how to articulate it. I have been thinking about reaching out and doing what you suggested so I am so glad you said that. I just don't want this pattern to be the way we work together to co-parent. It needs to change for sure. This is a definite 180 for me.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
I want to call H and let him know that I was upset when I called him yesterday because I was taken aback by S4 not being at the school when I expected him to be. I have thought about what happened and I can see his point of view and that the decision he made has merit. I was upset because the decision was made unilaterally and not jointly. I want to work on the time sharing arrangements and I realize that things may need tweaking as time goes on, those decisions need to be made as a team. How do you think we can put S first given your idea and our concerns regarding the number of transitions?
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Ep, I would have been upset beyond words. Good advice to step back and breathe and approach H in a cooperative way. You have a lot of years of parenting together, there will be bumps, but this approach will serve you well.
