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Hey uR ... always a good word and helping me continue to grow.. thank you.

Yeah ...I get the disrespectful love pats ... plus that's a trigger from the old M to her hence why she compared it to my concern about the 'digs'.... its hard for me NOT to do that but I have learned she takes them 180 from how I mean them ... so I restrain myself.

I was trying to process 'aloud' if you will. Lately looking at myself and my feelings I am cycling a bit ... not stable ... granted I am not throwing stuff one day, crying the next ... but I do feel some cycle between 'ok new M and new future' with fears of the 'old M old issues creeping in'. W and I discussed them a little and how I shared that those undelt with issues in the old M were a catalyst in how we got to the point we did (leaving MLC out of this). She did bring up the fact that we just never knew how to cope/deal with them .... was a true point, one we do seem to at the least be doing some of now.
But that respect thing I have focused on as of late ... and we all know when you focus on something it becomes bigger.
You might be onto something there uR, I do feel in a way she was 'allowed' (Does not seem like a good word ... but can not think of anything else here) back into the M maybe to easily ... like she had her A and all the 'fun', did not work out and here I am #2 who did not 'go anywhere' .... I have wrestled with this ... granted she could have easily went OM2/3/4 or chose to be solo ... but in a way I do wonder if I let her back in to easy... Conversely its not like I want to punish her either ... maybe somewhere in the middle? crazy

The OM thing ... yeah I agree .. and did not intend on it 'that' way .. I was very matter of fact about it but thought about it after, I would not want to hear about it anymore than I would need to if I was her... but the fact I never seen him in person, only the ONE pic he had on FB and Instagram (same pic) its like he is a ghost who continues to haunt ... less and less but a ghost just the same.

As far as the rings/FB status ... oh left out she changed her FB to maiden name as well back during BD along with blocking me and my entire family. I am not 'as bothered' ... maybe just numb, but more so as I am still somewhat guarded, I think when the rings go back on its a sign she is fully committed. She has shared she talks at her new job with new people and her and a friend shared husband snoring stories, another that she told a guy her husband (me) cooked amazing chili and ribs that she misses and can no longer eat (dietary restrictions) around this time for football. There are some positives I should announce along with things that bug me.
For now .. those things I listed do not need to be talked about (I just wanted to vent and get them 'out there' for later) .. I think in her time these will work themselves out, I do think however I will have to press her on the FB status/name as it just feels like she is living a single life through social media ... again her choice but not one that is 'trust building' and I think given the right time, that discussion would be an easy one. I laugh as my current status is also 'separated' an I do not want to change it putting pressure on her ... same reason I am not wearing my ring .... oh this crazy mess makes no sense does it?

We are 9 days away from family vacation, I am giving myself a goal to be PMA, Mr Funtimes and avoid any R talk or issues, I want this to a great memory for S .... and hopefully W ... the vacation thing is a huge 180 for me, W called me on it today in a joking way "I'm sorry, is this Cali? The same man who would not take a day off let alone an entire vacation?" I joked back "Mrs Cali this is officer Reaper and we are sorry to inform you the old Cali died but your replacement should be home shortly" ... did prompt a laugh and a snort .. to which she was not happy about .. new job .. embarrassment and all laugh


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That's great to hear, Cali.

I have read your entire novel and something springs to my mind.

In the current situation, do you see the balance of negative and positive things leaning more in the positive direction? It sounds like that is the case. I think that alone is a HUGE step in right direction.

GO BRONCOS! laugh


M: 38 W: 37
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BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out)
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CaliGuy Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: late30s
That's great to hear, Cali.

I have read your entire novel and something springs to my mind.

In the current situation, do you see the balance of negative and positive things leaning more in the positive direction? It sounds like that is the case. I think that alone is a HUGE step in right direction.

GO BRONCOS! laugh

Late .. wow .. GAL .. no seriously GAL .. lol I from time to time go back and read an oldie just to see where I have been to where I am .. there is alot to sort through there.

Yeah there is no doubt a serious shift. W and I actually talk, and its mostly positive. She did say some time ago that as bad as it sounded she needed the A and that failed R to realize her faults and her mistakes in the M. I see that ... would rather have not been 'this' way .. but as I mentioned before I would not have become Cali 2.0 without all this either. So yeah Huge steps in the + side for sure.

Even this week as hard as it was .. W said "ILY" and I asked her why? She told me "You are where 'home' is" ... ofcourse I told her I was looking more for "Cuz you are the sexiest man alive" but I will take it. Another plus .. last night our new thing is eating as a family, I typically say grace and all 3 of us hold hands. I asked W and S "Who wants to say grace?" W looked and me and smiled and said "I like it when you do it" ... making me realize that I am leading this family in more ways than one ... after Grace she commented on how good it was.

So yeah .. I may not post all the positives, but there are plenty

OK off .. GAL .. Softball tonight .. Game #1 for the season!


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Cali,

In regard to your "separated" status on FB, here's something you might want to think about as Cali 2.0.

Perhaps after getting back from the vacation, you can update your FB with new photos and change your status to "married" as a natural progression of your situation. I suspect that your W will not feel pressure from that change because it happened organically.

I am rarely wrong...but I'd like to think that one would be the "right" move to make in regard to the FB status. In a way, you are taking the leadership role with saying grace and no electronic devices during dinner time. So the FB change is one more notch in your leadership hat.


Last edited by Wonka; 08/21/15 02:44 AM.
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Wonka

Hmmm .... I just do not know. I read this last night on the way to softball and thought at first might be a good idea but just had a vibe that would be me pushing .... figured I would give it some thought.

Well ... went to my GAL, had a good time ... went 4-4 3 doubles and we won 21-2, so yeah I had a blast. Hung out talking ball for a bit then came home. Just got the bike in the garage and the phone rang, W .. all up my junk about where I was ... I was unaware there was a curfew imposed nor did I think I was 'that' late ... (9:15, game ended at 8:30) I come in and she starts up and I thought 'Hello Monster, its been awhile so glad you could visit' .... she starts in on me about a number of things, I listened for a bit until I heard "You are out there doing your thing on that Motorcycle I do not approve of .." I stopped her pretty quickly with an "Excuse me? I do not need your approval for the motorcycle" she side stepped that and dodged it like that movie the Matrix. I quickly jumped into my spew jacket like a seasoned Marine in a foxhole. She went on about a few things, all over the place like she was searching for those buttons that have been removed. Then she threw the book at me, literally .. the book "after the Affair" that just came in the mail. Told me .. "Here take this I do not need it thrown in my face every single second" I took the book and placed it on the table where my keys are face down ... told her I was going out to walk the dog.

It hit me ... PMS time. I came back , jumped in the shower, grabbed a couple pillows, said goodnight and slept on the couch.

Woke up this morning and more Monster from her, I engaged here and there with some truth darts. She was telling me how hard she was 'trying' and went to her go-to "We are Oil and Water" ... mind you Oil and water for 25 years now. I listened for a bit, STFU ... validated .. but did get to a point truth darts were in order, darts about her preaching positivity but she has been pretty negative all week, saying she is committed to the marriage but on social media she poses as she is single ( Yes I brought up FB) .... she fired back that I am not wearing my ring and that I lost it or threw it away like I did our M (I almost laughed aloud here), I pointed to where it was and reminded her that it was here who said she was 'not there' and 'not ready' and then stamped it with something we learned in Retrouvaille with a "You seem to still want to live a single-married life and that is your choice, not something I want nor chose to do" ... she ramped up a bit and brought up the A, I calmly stated .. "again, that was a choice you made, not me" Then she brought up sex ... and our issues there and implied things about the A and OM, I told her she was free to make that choice again if she chose again ... then ended the conversation (That button is still firmly available)

I left pretty calm, and honestly felt ok with not taking bait, not yelling nor getting upset ... I hinted to her that when she PMSs she looks for a fight (She told me in the past she did this with OM .... even wanted my advice at the time .. ummm yeah-NO) She called later .. calmer ... and confessed she thinks she might be PMSing, she has no control (I did not agree here and think she uses this as an excuse to be verbally abusive, something I did not allow her to do this time) ... I cut the call short and said I needed to get back to work.

Ugh ... hope it blows by for the weekend but I have a feeling I need to clean off that spew jacket.


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Cali,

Curious...has W always been like this throughout the 25 years you've been married? PMSing like a clockwork every month? Isn't she peri-menopausal?

I don't get all PMSy at all. I just deal with it like one deals with a paper cut.

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Just keep in mind..... remember how your reacted when she didn't text you on her first day of work and when she didn't come home quickly enough how upset you got? Not an excuse for how either of you reacted..... but probably a good chance to put yourself in eachother's shoes.

I'm also surprised your W reacted OK when you hinted that when she was PMSing she is looking for a fight..... usually when a man says that to a woman WHILE she is actively PMSing, it causes a woman to flip a sh!t. Definitely hand her some credit for the apology.....

Honestly, there are few women who use the PMS as an "excuse" to pick fights. But for the most part, there is minimal control when hormones are involved.

I have a confession that makes me feel like the crappiest mother. But it's only me and my D8. No other adults around the house. She is a huge button/boundary pusher and when I am PMSing, my patience is not there. I am highly emotional and hormonal and I become a b!tch with my poor 8 year old, then I cry about it. If I could control that, trust me, I would. I feel like the most awful parent when I get mad at something I normally have patience for.

And another word of advice, issues that could wait, should wait until that time is over.

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Ok, so, buckle up, my friend.

Here's the truth from me. I don't care about your w or your marriage right now. It's you I care about. I also don't care about FB. It's not important. It just isn't. Yours says separated...hers does, too. Whatver. It's not real life. LET THAT GO!

The rings, too. Yours are off. Are you committed? You are still married. Stop worrying so much about pressure and do what feels right to you. Live your truth, Luke. Live the way you choose to live in a way that reflects who you've become. You are putting way too much importance to things and stuff. It's actions and feelings that count.

If you don't want to change your FB, don't. If you don't want to wear your rings, don't. But don't judge her for her choices. Nor allow them to indicate where she may be in all of this because that will just make you crazy. She isn't even sure where she is right now.

Ok, so, maybe its PMS, maybe its not. But heres what I think part of it was. You gave her a hard time about coming home later than she should have...so she did the same. Is it the same because you feel you have reasons to be suspicious? No. Does she realize that? No. She is feeling guilt and feeling as if no matter what she does it wont make a difference so she lashed out. Is it right? Nope. But it's how she feels.

You keep saying that her actions don't indicate her commitment. Do yours? Saying that you don't need her approval about the bike is not exactly marriage building, right? I mean technically you don't need her permission about anything, but...

As far as the book..I would imagine that was a button for her, no? You get my drift? smile

The PMS thing...you don't want her to use it as an excuse yet you know what its that time, she changes. So, is it a reason or isn't it?

I am also thinking that you heading for the couch everytime something happens is not moving you forward in the marriage. Maybe nothing would have resolved it, but, you didn't really try anything else.

PMS is a real thing. So, if you believe that to be true, then you need to develop ways to handle it and she needs to see a doctor about whether there is anything she can do about it. This going round and round every month isn't helping anyone.

Your buttons were pushed, Luke. The same old ones. The way to not allow that is to find new ways of dealing with this.

I am not being hard on you. I hope you know that. It comes from a place of caring.

I want to make it clear that I do not believe that you should be verbally abused, nor should you suck it up. But you do need to work though some of the stuff you are still holding onto or this will continue.

You know I have felt all along that this was moving too quickly. Others may disagree and that's ok. But I have seen it on here and in real life way too often. Things have to be resolved in order to move forward and build a new foundation.

She feels guilty and like she cant do enough to satisfy you. You don't feel like she is all in and are still reeling from the affair and the sex issue. Those are big things to get through, but, you must.

What do you want, Luke? Are you fully committed? Its ok if you aren't. Just realize that. And if you aren't then you have to accept that she may not be either. Doesn't mean this cant work. It's just that reality has to be accepted in order to figure out how to continue.






Ugh ... hope it blows by for the weekend but I have a feeling I need to clean off that spew jacket. [/quote]

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I swear, that URworthy is gold:)

I also do not mean to imply it's ok to be verbally abusive around that time (I am not with my daughter either, I just lose patience very easily and the smallest things really upset me when I PMS)

I can see where she feels the guilt and you may climb up on the high "you had an A and I am kind enough to let you come back" horse. Those two dynamics will clash. So she individually needs to deal with her guilt, and you need to individually deal with the A.

Are either of you doing IC or MC aside from retrovaille?

I hand it to you both. I don't know if I could have handled repairing our M after the A if that was even an option on the table. Maybe if he was a decent person inside if he did the work, and even under those circumstances, it would still have been probably the most difficult road I walked down.

Maybe you both need to take a step back while still moving forward with repairing the M. Or get some additional outside help with your own issues.

I do wish you the best and surely think it could work, but as anyone knows, this process is certainly not linear.

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Originally Posted By: Wonka
Cali,

Curious...has W always been like this throughout the 25 years you've been married? PMSing like a clockwork every month? Isn't she peri-menopausal?

I don't get all PMSy at all. I just deal with it like one deals with a paper cut.


WOnka .... yeah for the most part, and I typically pick up on it like last night, just her facial expressions. I would say 4/5 are pretty nasty

Originally Posted By: Ginger1
Just keep in mind..... remember how your reacted when she didn't text you on her first day of work and when she didn't come home quickly enough how upset you got? Not an excuse for how either of you reacted..... but probably a good chance to put yourself in eachother's shoes.

I'm also surprised your W reacted OK when you hinted that when she was PMSing she is looking for a fight..... usually when a man says that to a woman WHILE she is actively PMSing, it causes a woman to flip a sh!t. Definitely hand her some credit for the apology.....

Honestly, there are few women who use the PMS as an "excuse" to pick fights. But for the most part, there is minimal control when hormones are involved.

I have a confession that makes me feel like the crappiest mother. But it's only me and my D8. No other adults around the house. She is a huge button/boundary pusher and when I am PMSing, my patience is not there. I am highly emotional and hormonal and I become a b!tch with my poor 8 year old, then I cry about it. If I could control that, trust me, I would. I feel like the most awful parent when I get mad at something I normally have patience for.

And another word of advice, issues that could wait, should wait until that time is over.


Thank you Ginger ... might be something I need to think about because honestly at times I feel like she pulls the PMS card to lash out and spew as much venom as humanly possible .... then acts as if nothing happened after .... again .. its the unresolved stuff under the carpet that starts to build up.


M: 48
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M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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