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Originally Posted By: Sotto
Hi Cali, I'm sorry you had a backslide. I think the work, life, family balance is an important area - and maybe one to pick up in your homework and 'bigger' talks about how you both want things to be going forward.

I'm conscious that your W is just a few days into the job and just finding her feet. I can see that she would want to make a good impression there, and may feel excited about a new opportunity. Without checking way back - was there something to do with OM all tied up with the old job?? I just wondered if that had touched a nerve because of this - or is it more just (and I don't mean to minimise) putting you and S first?

As we talked..I did recognize its is a new job and I know she wanted to make a good first impression. Totally understand that and I was honestly surprised at my reaction .. I was NEVER like that before. And as we talked ... just as you mentioned ... yeah the OM thing did come up. Its nothing to do with him, not in the present tense ... its more about where I feel I am in all this... again fighting that feeling of being the back up and not choice #1.

Originally Posted By: Sotto

Your fears are understandable, and are yours to own and work on I think. It sounded as though your mind went at about a million miles an hour - and when this happens it is good to recognise and accept the probable irrationality of your thoughts. You'll recall I'm particularly strong in this area!! grin

I think it all adds up to the fact that you are both sensitised about this change in working arrangements.....and possibly about the speed things are moving? A few people have mentioned this Cali - and I wonder whether it is worth taking a couple of steps back & spending some time at your 'other place?' It may help you regain your Calimojo, and perhaps your W will feel more able to 'breathe.' It neededn't change the path you are both on, but you can sit back and smell the roses more together without having to face all these things so soon?

I worry for you that the pressure may build so much that you will be 'done' - or your W will be - when you guys have made loads of progress...

Anyway, just my 0.2c and I hope it helps a little. xx


I just think its more about getting used to the new 'normal' whatever the H#LL that looks like now. Things are just all over the place. 2 more weeks of S in camp which is throwing both her and my commutes off ... then we have our 1st family vacation trip in 5 years coming up. After that .. S goes back to school, things should settle down by then. I have to give notice in 2 weeks on my place .. and yeah .. maybe it appears to be going fast ... but looking at it .. she 'committed' to the M in March, took about 3 months and we slowly started spending nights ... that went another 2 months before we discussed moving back in with each other. Maybe fast but does not feel like it to me.


She did TM telling me she hoped I had a good day ... I returned with the same ... then she went on to tell me to watch out for police, she and 5 others got stopped ... speed trap.. her first ticket ever.

So things will be touch and go... there are going to be bumps and this is one of them. I need to figure out some strategy for when I get all spun up and as late suggested ... just tell W I need to go for a ride and clear my head ... I think that's probably a very good solution for all this because the Bike really does help there.


M: 48
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M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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So completely unrelated -- When I read through your sitch, I wanted to chime in one thing a few times. With football season quickly approaching, here it is ...

Go Broncos! :p


M: 38 W: 37
T: 20 M: 19
Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12
BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out)
PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM)
Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
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CaliGuy Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: late30s
So completely unrelated -- When I read through your sitch, I wanted to chime in one thing a few times. With football season quickly approaching, here it is ...

Go Broncos! :p


The Denver Donkeys were my fathers fav team .... I think your run is over...lol


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Cali,

When I first read about your "backslide" update, my first reaction was:

Cali, Cali....NOT even 2 days at the new job, you hafta jump on W with your antsy monkeys. Jeez. crazy

Then I read what Toots (now Sotto) wrote....yeah, she spoke for all of us here. WTH were you thinking? You did not allow W time to get acclimated to her new job and get her schedule set. Nope...you just had to act on your insecurities and scream from the "hurt little boy" voice that she WAS not putting you and S as the #1 priority.

I do not think it was fair to ambush W like that when she got home from the job she's only been at 2 days....TWO DAYS. Not even "how was your day" greeting as a supportive husband. I'd be really irritated and annoyed if it were me walking through the front door at a new job, a new environment, a new set of colleagues, new boss, etc.

I remember when I started my new job...my head spun for 2 weeks because I was crammed with tons of information and learning the A,B,Cs of who's who in the company so I don't step on hidden landmines at the company.

Seriously, you're going have to order some patience shovels from Job's factory. Preferably plated in rust-free chrome.

Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
its more about where I feel I am in all this... again fighting that feeling of being the back up and not choice #1.


It is your chit to own and process. Your W has her chit and process. From where I sit, it wasn't about the OM, the marriage, or W...it was all about past memories of the "hurt little boy" and like the Inside/Out movie...he threw one whopper of a tantrum at W.

All for what? So you can soothe that insecure 'hurt little boy'. Got everyone all upset. Imagine if you had said, "W, you just got in the right time...dinner is ready. Would love to hear about your day."

It's time for you to write PATIENCE 100 times on the chalkboard, buddy.




Last edited by Wonka; 08/12/15 11:42 PM.
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You've already been clubbed. I'll barely add to that.

Couple of things though as you move through this. Remember when I mentioned how you could become a despot? Drunk with power? Remember her saying that she can't breathe? Seems she may be telling you that she is impatient with the process too smile

There's more to the dynamic than you. Be careful of hurt little boy, mi amigo.

That said, fighting is not the problem now is it? Learning how to fight is. Transitioning from hunker down and let the barrage pass mode to being present and participatory is...awkward, no?

Don't think of the fight as a backslide is all I'm saying. Rather, it was an opportunity for you BOTH to blow off some steam. As long as you figure out to move past it in a healthy way.

If you're really indifferent about things, stop calling the place a name with quotes. That'll be the easier way for us to tell wink

Next time, try Wonka's advice about how to greet her on her first days at work - it's a much better way to share the positives and stop living with the past like an elephant sized necklace. Elephants make bad jewelry when worn whole.

Somebody once mentioned that if the relationship was solid, the elephants begin to look like roaches. Or something like that. Quotes don't come easily to me, 'amigo'. smile

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
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"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Hey Cali - Been marveling at your patience, and with the transformation of your sitch lately. Kudos to both you and W for sticking with it. Pretty dang amazing, both of you. I'm with Wonka, however, on your latest development...your very first greeting after the work day can set the tone for the entire rest of the evening. You're both getting used to the new schedule, the new normal. Give it a few weeks, and give her some time to settle into the job. You GOT this, Cali. Take that bike ride.

Go LIONS!

LiveNow


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BD June '13
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Hey Luke. You are both under a lot of pressure so this is going to happen. The thing about a backslide is whether you take anything away from it. I think you will.

Her coming home late was a trigger for you, clearly. So what can you do in the future to avoid allowing that trigger to cause you to react negatively?

I'm thinking you going to sleep on the couch isn't really how you wanted to react, right?

So, more work to do, yea?

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Message received ... and as I did share I considered it a back slide and was honestly surprised with my reaction to the whole deal. I admittedly have never handled 'change' very well ... went from 2 months of fairly constant texting to nothing and that did a number on me. Live and Learn .... but I do appreciate everyone's opinion, which I am in agreement with.

Its a harder line to walk over on this side .... detaching was something I always struggled with, and maybe its just the fact I have DB'd so long. All that being said, the fights/spats we have had over the past few months are nothing compared to what they once were.

Yesterday W TM about 4:30 that she was going to hit the grocery store, if I needed anything .. then TM a few tidbits, lighthearted. I was stuck in traffic with S and did not get home till 5:30. W still was not home ... I walked the dog, cleaned up ... W finally gets in about 6 ... I did not say a peep, (look who learned a lesson) Instead I sat and listened to W talk about her day, the job, this person and that person for about 20 minutes. She continued to talk as I put together dinner for S.

We opted to not do the 'hmwk' and instead confirm/plan our trip. We spent a solid 2 hours booking hotels, cancelling the old reservations I had as we planned out 3-4 stops along the way, planning on stopping in certain areas. Things were a little tense as it was all business .... but we got through it without a tiff.

We spent some time with S, read his book ... this has started to become a normal thing, one I think all 3 of us enjoy. I walked the dog, then we put S down .. W jumped into the shower as I watched one of my shows. W came out ... asked if I was tired as she crawled into bed .. I joked and asked if that was a sign .. or a question. We did 'play' a bit ... then after we stayed up and talked about some things she looked at on FB, then I suggested we watch one of our shows... this seemed to excite her (I knew she was not sleepy) ... normally I would have just went to sleep. She fell asleep about 15 min in .... I ended up watching the rest then went to sleep.

I have noticed ... granted I struggle with patience, but more than that I have a hard time just relaxing and letting things move on their own... maybe its the 'Mr Fix it' in me that I really need to watch. I have stopped giving her advice when she talks, in fact I am the STFU Posterboy there, but I think deep down I am still figuring out how Cali 2.0 fits into this new life, trying to get comfortable in the new clothes and wondering when and if this turbulent ocean I have been almost drowning in will ever calm down and level out.

That and oh ... the triggers .. everywhere. the big ones I have addressed. Even some of the new ones I have caught myself creating. I have to take these pills ... twice a day ... in my head I named them OM pills ... I stopped myself a few days ago realizing I was just feeding power to that. I made a joke about em ... they are blue pills... but not the blue boner pills one might guess. Its the smaller triggers and one at a time .. or just maybe two I am ok. Give me 3 little ones and yeah ... I need to take a walk. I know .. time ... so I accept that, process it the best I can and try to remain indifferent about it... much harder than I thought it would be .. though you all warned me it would be.

Last edited by CaliGuy; 08/13/15 02:44 PM.

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Ok ... Happy Monday all.

Just thought I would journal a bit. Things have been settling down some ... the Tuesday backslide was talked out little by little throughout the week, honestly I felt better after the blow up .. as uR said .. its a steam relaease thing. Knowing this, and realizing it only is destructive to the work being put in I did address it ... our hmwk .. we have a question we write on, I chose to write on "How do I handle things that you do which upset me, what can I do differently" ... .I described to W what I went through (to a point .. taking some things out) but more so that things will get to me and when this happens, rather than to have it out, I need to blow off some steam, I will tell her politely that I need to go walk, run, or maybe a Bike ride and IF I am still upset after that, we can set up a time and discuss the issue civilly without the high emotions ... thinking about this ... I should have thought about it earlier as many things I would be over if I just got out and ran them off vs getting all worked up. She liked the idea and thanked me for figuring out a solution.

As far as the M goes. Its strange ... feels like I woke up from a horrible dream that lasted 3 years ... W shows more and more of her former self, playful, sassy .. all those things I loved about her. I had pulled back a bit the past week as I catch myself still pursuing a little .... and as predicted she comes closer. Strange how this push pull dance was always there and I was so very blind to it.

Saturday we went to a movie as a family, had a great time, did a nice lunch, finalized our vacation plans... its been hot here so anything to get in AC we were all about it. During the day there were a few triggers for me, biggest one was a song "I'm not the only one" by Sam Smith .... I swear written for a LBS... I was just listening to the lyrics in my own world ... W grabbed my hand and squeezed it... I came back to earth and flipped the channel. I handled it well but they were still on my mind a bit. That night trying to go to sleep in our bed it came back and hit me ... the A, a couple visuals .. then realizing those sheets are the very ones that were on the bed all the sudden it felt like I was sleeping on dirty potato chips.... a good deal of spinning .. I decided to go sleep on the couch. W woke me in the morning, asking why I was on the couch. We talked about it a bit ... she actually brought it up ... this time pretty understanding as I told her sometimes I just get hit with a wave of thoughts and its tough to shake, then shared my potato chip feeling .. even laughed about it. I was not upset nor angry .. nor did I want to dwell on it ... so I took her and S out to breakfast, an old diner we always used to frequent.

Later that day, I had Softball practice, rode the Harley .. GAL still in full swing, felt good to play, was a great day to ride. Came home ... showered and went to the store. W wanted to run errands and S and I were going to hang out ... she ended up wanting to stay as it was to hot for her. We ate dinner as a family .... this has been a wonderful change, no TV, phones, iPads ... W and I went for a long walk in the evening. Later that night we started our 3rd book we read with S, this one is a big one. We each take a turn reading a page or two ... while S was reading I caught W staring at me ... she used sign language telling me she Loved us 3 all there reading together.... then a ILY sign. W fell asleep ..I put S down and slept on the couch ... its cooler in the living room and I did not want those potato chips on me. W woke me up again ... telling me she was going to get new sheets today.

This ILY stuff, its strange. for 2+ years this woman hated me and was quick to let me know how much. Now ... ILY's are frequent almost to the point its not comfortable, the pet names .. 'babe' 'honey' ...Funny I have heard her say them but had to ask "what did you call me" ... laughing as she asks if its ok and me replying .. "Its better than a few names you've tossed at me" .... this used to just be the way we were, but now I feel like its a movie, I check myself and think ... wait .. the past 2-3 years happened right? I mean just as fast as she turned into an alien .... she has come back. There are some differences .. big ones here and there but none that I would not accept so far. I also seem to have calmed down this week ... less anxiety about the old M, even with the bed and the sheets, its not something I am worked up over.

So countdown is currently at 12 days and this guy goes on vacation ..California Redwoods.. its been some time and I am really excited about it, always wanted to go up there and check em out .... bought a GoPro ... should be fun (Would be better if I brought the Harley .. lol)


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Hi Cali- I understand your confusion on the hairpin emotional turn W has made.

When I woke up from my own depression, I snapped back to wanting things to the way they were (after treating my H very poorly for 3 years!).

Remember, she stop may not recall a lot of what she said/did to you. I certainly did not. A few months ago I remembered that years ago I took down my wedding picture. I still don't remember why I even did that. H asked me to put it back when he noticed it vanished. But I hid it so well, that it took me a week to find it! Found it when I woke up.

It may not all feel genuine; my H distanced because it was too overwhelming a turnaround. For me, though, it was real. I woke up! But, I woke up to wanting to be with him and not to all I had done to him.

Regarding the A, one of the things my awesome DB coach told me is that there is nothing like making love to the person you are bonded to through marriage and/or children. You have something with her that no one else can have, ever.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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