Well as I mentioned I have been slowly moving in with W into the "Love Nest" and have been making changes ... W has been very happy and accepting of these changes but as I discovered they were mostly for me and not so much for her.
AS I stated last thread .. Indifference... thats has been my feeling the past week or so. W started her new job, she is very excited about it ... it pays a ridiculous amount and she just learned rather than a 6 month contract, sounds like its a 12 month contract. She loves the environment, says her boss is already 'wonderful' ... so far nothing but thumbs up which is good. I cooked her a nice dinner, her fav ... she asked why and I told her to congratulate her and to celebrate her 1st day (180 from Cali 1.0) .... Some of the things our 'hmwk' has brought up I have enforced a bit .. dinner for instance, we all 3 sit at the table at the same time, eat together without any phones/ipads/TV's .... I found myself really happy as we all 3 were talking about our day... S was engaged and happy as was W even though they both gave me a 'look' when I shut all the devices off and told them to do the same. I did later get a wink from W and a mouthed 'thank you' as we were talking. Then I cleaned up, took a shower and decided to read a bit.
W shared she is all set to go on the vacation, so looks like we have a family trip all set in 2 1/2 weeks, something I am looking forward to.
Last night we watched part of our new show that we picked ... then went to bed. W was a bit more affectionate however I was sapped, plus the fact I tire of the push pull game ... I turned in and fell asleep. This morning I woke and walked the dog at his wet nose in the face request at zero dark thirty ... came back in and started getting ready for work. W asked why I did not wake her to join me, was more out of letting her sleep as I told her. She then mentioned she felt distance between us .... and that I did not read her 'signals' last night. I simply told her I did not realize she was wanting to be close (refrained from saying she is typically that way knowing it sounds judgemental) and I told her she simply needs to just tell me, I would not reject her.
Some things I have noticed over the last month ... alot more ILY's, but what has struck me as odd is the pet names, babes, honeys ... all that very frequently which were things I would say out of habit early on in this crisis that would flip her straight to monster mode with some serious spew. This morning she gave me the ILY and I replied back with the ILY2 and she wanted me to confirm that I truly did .... she seems at points very insecure about this as the vets here have foreshadowed.
So ... I try to remain calm and patient through this ... its tough not to want to talk about issues and get them out in the open, shed light on that herd of elephants ... but I trust the board and the vets here, I will continue to focus on me and allow W to figure her sctuff out on her own.
You are doing great Cali, a true inspiration to many of us here
I have a question. In talking about your prior M and SSM, a few times you have mentioned that you were "lead to believe sex was not an option" because of health issues with W. Did she flat out say no to sex, did she tell you that because of her health she could not? Or is it what you assumed? You know, that old mind reading thing?
Hoping to put a different view on that to help because I know it really bothers you. Just wondering because I was bad at giving my H my signals and he has told me I never wanted sex, which was not true.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Luke, I so enjoy reading your posts. You do have a wonderful way with words.
She is very tentative..thats normal. She knows what you have to overcome and she knows that she almost lost you. That coupled with her trying to figure out who she is and what she wants..makes for a lot of insecure feelings on her part. Reassure her as best you can, but, the rest she has to do.
I love that rule about dinner. We had the same rule. It is so important to have that connection together as a family.
You are doing great Cali, a true inspiration to many of us here
I have a question. In talking about your prior M and SSM, a few times you have mentioned that you were "lead to believe sex was not an option" because of health issues with W. Did she flat out say no to sex, did she tell you that because of her health she could not? Or is it what you assumed? You know, that old mind reading thing?
Hoping to put a different view on that to help because I know it really bothers you. Just wondering because I was bad at giving my H my signals and he has told me I never wanted sex, which was not true.
M.. I feel like calling you sis for some strange reason...lol. I will fill you in with the bigger picture.... heck I have already streaked nekkid through this Quad no sense about being shy skinny dipping now.
So the SSM thing. Younger was not an issue, but we dated for about 10 years prior to being married and sex tapered off along with the newness as like with anything, I still think it was normal though I always had the higher drive, and it was a concern when we married (W told me that Catholic guilt was in play and she felt once we were married it would be gone ... never really happened ... I learned this is called Disillusionment ... see I take notes)
We got Pregnant in 05, miscarried and as soon as we had the green light preggo again in 06 and S was born in 07. After all this things were just not 'right'. The sex we did have was uncomfortable for her. I was not sure if it was the miscarriage, or S's emergency C-section and it was all psychological ... or if it was in fact physical. She went through several doctors and was one diagnosis for this .. and another for that. Went through this for 3-4 years ... sex was there but was not good, and knowing it caused her pain things started gradually going south.
2011 she went holistic, this seemed to start helping, very strict diet and this Dr seemed to have a bead on what was going on ... MLC at this point was about a year in from what I can tell ... and the withdraws from medications kicked things into gear. Sex was now painful for her, so I stopped even trying to bring it up ... and I became very frustrated rather than supportive. Looking back I would like to have a mulligan here.
As it sits now ... she has shared (yeah .. another tough one to hear) that things have to be just right as her body reacts very badly .. say if I have any yeast ... beer.. mushrooms in my system her body responds ... almost like its a Ph Balance thing. .. OM ate clean (Being a physical Trainer) so this was not as much of an issue I guess but even then she would have flare ups .... and now add in the STD and all that brings .... hence some of my anxiety on facing all this.
She does really seem to want to find a solution, but looking at it all I am not sure if there is really a one size fits answer. As Wonka pointed out... and its making more sense.. I think she is throwing these roadblocks up (not taking away from them .. but I am curious if its not just a detour for the moment) because she is just not ready ... sex with OM was one thing ... with me its another. Learning OM was with at the least 3 women during the A tells me W was not all over the sex-map with him either ... not that it helps .. but for some reason it does take a bit of the sting out of it.
Luke, I so enjoy reading your posts. You do have a wonderful way with words.
She is very tentative..thats normal. She knows what you have to overcome and she knows that she almost lost you. That coupled with her trying to figure out who she is and what she wants..makes for a lot of insecure feelings on her part. Reassure her as best you can, but, the rest she has to do.
I love that rule about dinner. We had the same rule. It is so important to have that connection together as a family.
Keep going, my friend.
uR
Yeah ... she does seem to be tentative .. thats a perfect way to describe it .. almost like Goldilocks. And judging from some of the exchanges we have had over the past couple months, the fear she still could lose me does come into play often. We had it out a few weeks ago ... and during one of our hmwk sessions a week or so later she made a reference to her fear about me 'throwing in the towel' ... this reference has been brought up a handful of times over the past 2-3 weeks.
That dinner rule ... yeah I statred that one with S when it was just he and I. W and I touched on that subject in one of the Post Sessions and agreed ... but like many things, she does not follow through so its up to me to lead in that case which I do not mind at all ... and yes ... its a very good new tradition for the new M to have as far as I am concerned. W and I talked about the introduction of smart phones was critical in issues for our M ... now I know better .. but I do admit they surely did not help. Reading here .... how many A's .. EA and PA are nurtured by the ease of communication we have, hard not to think about how many lives have been turned upside down due to this.
Hi Cali. Being an only child I have always wanted a big brother, so you're it! Oh wait, I'm older! Well, you do seem a bit wiser than me.....
Ok, so, I was hoping to switch the perception but I agree that you have some valid concerns. I will say, based on what you described, I have a strong suspicion that it was not so glamorous or even as often with OM as you may think. I have read from the vets that our imagination is much more colorful than the truth in these scenarios. Hopefully the sting will lesson for you with time.
As a woman, I will guess that she has extreme guilt along with the mixed in STD and is probably terrified and anxious to have sex again, especially with you because she loves you so much. Just my guess.
Give it time, keep working through it, the answers will come. You are doing an amazing job of working through issues.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
M ... yeah I get where you were going, but I do not think it was a difference in perception or something I misread. And as far as the other night ... honestly I seen the signs, but sometimes feels she does things just to ensure I stay put ... its been taxing as of late. As far as the imagination on what happened .... yeah I realize there is a point there, but just the fact I was lead down one road and OM another stings and I am struggling with and continue to process that like a bull in a China shop.
As far as her guilt ... that would all be mind reading on my part .. she has a pretty good poker face and as our blow up last night I did voice my frustration on the fact she carries on like it never happened and just wants to get on with it ... as we sit in a living room which has an elephant size mound that has been swept under the rug (Update to follow)
W started her new job Monday, along with this more anxiety for me. Little things but they seemed to all add up and point right back to abandonment issues. Rings still off, W has gone from Family and M #1 to talking nothing about the good ol Corprate game, who makes what, what she makes, her boss and his wife building a dream house on the cliffs, who drives what ... always an eye on the Joneses. She had TM me just prior to getting to work, and I did not hear from her all day after that .. not till around 5 as I was walking the dog (missed the TM) saying she would be home in 10-15 (thats her commute time) and she did not get in till 5:45. Honestly I was good till about 1-2 thinking .. huh... no lunch TM ... nothing. Gradually it felt just like high crisis mode when I was cast aside for OM and did not matter. My mind began to race without me a bit ... thoughts of OM contact creeped in, followed by nervousness that maybe somehow I missed something, is A over ... all the on and offs I went through this behavior was in sync with the on again treatment I received. I fough through that stuff then hit a point worried about a car accident or the like. She finally came in as I was getting dinner for S ready, I was not in a very chipper mood and she picked it up right away. Asked what was wrong ... rather than play the 'oh nothing' game I told her how I felt. Received the "Oh Brother treatment" and I leveled up. The constant disregard has been really bugging me so I very bluntly asked where the M and I fit in with her priorities, new job and all, its something I need to know because I am not really excited about a rinse and repeat of the past when she is all about work and S and I are just there for her as a support cast. Even ramped up to the Transparency and I asked for her phone ... which she happened to leave at work (I was skeptical of this ... but she definitely does not have it) She calmed down a bit .. assured me she was committed to the M and to me, apologized and we agreed to drop it.
Finished dinner, ate as a family. I walked the dog, came back and continued reading S's book all 3 of us on the bed. Put S down and W suggested we do our hmwk. Soon after she brought up the blow up. I realized it added pressure and sure enough mini-monster came to play. She called me out on it ... blasted a few things about me never trusting her, she feels like she can not breathe ... I pointed out it was never this way before, I would have never been upset but the point remains I do not feel I matter, she says the right things but actions do not match up. She started pressing buttons .. ones I pulled out long ago .. then she finally found one. My speaking to the parish about my story .. I stopped her there and asked specifically where I had not told a truth, pointed out I withheld a good deal of sharing everything I went through ... this really upset me. So I decided couch for the night. W followed me as I was grabbing the pillows and said something to the effect that I am giving up on the M, I calmly told her I was not, she continued to follow .. more spew ... got to the point I was done, grabbed some clothes and left her place and went to my apt.
I was expecting the phone to blow up ... never did ... then I realized she actually did leave it at work
So ... today should be interesting to see if its Monster Mode .. or she calms down and tries to nice it up.
I know I pressed, I tried not to let it get to me, but I also do not want an M where the job comes first ... I believe its important but work is work .. and as I told her .. her job is not going to be there when she is sick, its not going to care about her as a person ... I reminded her that I thought she learned that long ago. I enjoy my job .. but its just a check just as I am just a cog in the machine. The second part is all on me .. its about not feeling my needs are met in this R. Can I be patient enough to allow her to get through her journey without adding pressure ... I smh at myself because I am failing in this area ... I know what I need to do I just stink at it allowing the hurts and pain of the past 2-3 years cloud my emotions.
I smh at myself because I am failing in this area ... I know what I need to do I just stink at it allowing the hurts and pain of the past 2-3 years cloud my emotions.
Regroup and focus ... Rinse Repeat.
I feel your pain, good sir.
Maybe it is a good time to take the bike out for a bit? Clear your head.
I hope that this is just that your W is excited about the new job. Give it a little time, let things settle there. She was most likely all about the new job yesterday.
I wish I could offer more for you. You're a strong person and I am confident you'll handle this well, just like you have handled everything else in your situation well.
M: 38 W: 37 T: 20 M: 19 Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12 BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out) PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM) Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
Hi Cali, I'm sorry you had a backslide. I think the work, life, family balance is an important area - and maybe one to pick up in your homework and 'bigger' talks about how you both want things to be going forward.
I'm conscious that your W is just a few days into the job and just finding her feet. I can see that she would want to make a good impression there, and may feel excited about a new opportunity. Without checking way back - was there something to do with OM all tied up with the old job?? I just wondered if that had touched a nerve because of this - or is it more just (and I don't mean to minimise) putting you and S first?
Your fears are understandable, and are yours to own and work on I think. It sounded as though your mind went at about a million miles an hour - and when this happens it is good to recognise and accept the probable irrationality of your thoughts. You'll recall I'm particularly strong in this area!!
I think it all adds up to the fact that you are both sensitised about this change in working arrangements.....and possibly about the speed things are moving? A few people have mentioned this Cali - and I wonder whether it is worth taking a couple of steps back & spending some time at your 'other place?' It may help you regain your Calimojo, and perhaps your W will feel more able to 'breathe.' It neededn't change the path you are both on, but you can sit back and smell the roses more together without having to face all these things so soon?
I worry for you that the pressure may build so much that you will be 'done' - or your W will be - when you guys have made loads of progress...
Anyway, just my 0.2c and I hope it helps a little. xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
