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Don't respond to everything. He is could just be testing to see if he can get you back where he wants you. If it is really a necessary communication respond. If it is not, you decide.

And remember that you are GALing, so delays should be something he gets used to. Also, I'm not telling you to lie, but if you are out doing something GAL, a little "Sorry I was out w/ friends and didn't see this." Or "Had plans & was running a bit late so I couldn't look at this until now." Doesn't have to be plans with friends, but if you have plans for something, you had plans. Also, sometimes apologize for the delay, but other times, just matter of fact. You don't want to have him thinking you feel obliged to get right back to him, it is just something polite you say every now and then when you are in the mood.

If it is just him expressing well wishes or love, those don't require a response at all. He is just expressing himself. Of course he is fishing for a response in kind, but let him keep fishing esp. mostly. An occasional thanks or 'thanks, I'm doing well' or 'thanks I'll do that' depending on the message content is fine. But he has left & filed, and it is time to realize better what that life is going to be like.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
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Smothy Darling,

how are you going? You have been in your new post for a while now and we haven't heard anything about it. Where are you? Where arroyo staying? How is the job? How are the people, the food, the weather ?

I sense an anxiety from your posts, and repeated posts. Not a frantic, panicked, re-actionary anxiety, but a deep anxiety that has been there for so long that it is the new norm for you and everything is coming from there. How to escape this, I can't tell you but you have been "better" than this. Remember?

From a non-DB, bystanders POV, you're H wanted D and filed. You were served and attended court. You have moved OS again. The rest is circumstantial, comments to-and-fro are just day-to-day rigmarole. His mixed signals are not surprising and don't reflect anything other than his own selfish agenda.

IF, IF your H truly changes his mind and wants to R - you are NOT going to miss it. He has to want it so much, and be so remorseful that if you flat out ignore his texts, he tries again and again and again. He calls you crying and begs for you.

That is probably not going to happen and/or work. You have gone past that I think. IF this were to happen I wager that immediately you will be so relieved that you fall into his arms and for a while think everything is OK again. In 6 months you will be free from this grief, you will be angry, renew your anger and being selfishly evaluating the M.

Look at the people here who have R'ed. Piecing back together the R is the hardest part.

For the sake of ANY, best future you have to let this M die. You can be friendly and open to R. But don't yearn for it. It won't help you now or later. It won't help your chances of getting R attempt or achieving it. Let the M die. Be friendly if you like. If romance springs from that friendship then so be it. Then before a NEW R can be formed from this new budding romance, all of this [censored] will need to be sorted, the reconciliation part.

Alternatively, IF he were to crack now and call you and convince you he is remorseful etc and wants to try R, can you really just jump straight back in? Honestly, laying in bed with him and his phone buzzes at midnight. You call the office but they haven't heard from him today. How much do you trust him now? How much do you trust his (vocalised) commitment? You though he was committed before didn't you? And look what he did? And he lied through teeth about it. Is he the person now that you have thought he was for 20 years?

My point is that in either case you are effectively starting from scratch again. I acknowledge for myself, that if I was in your shoes, and basically still begging for his return now I would be drowned by all these trust issues I mentioned. On top of that I would then have to deal with all of her flaws/role in the R that have to be addressed. I can see a possibility of 6 months in admitting - "I can't do this". Then I would be the WAS. I would be sorry that I tried so hard to get her back, only to end it again. Maybe this would be sweet revenge. Is this what you are after?

Are you sure you want a R with this man, or do you just want your old life back? Think carefully about this! And you can't while you are clinging to your old life. It would complicate things if your son was younger, but he is an adult now.

I ask again because I think it is important - Are you sure you want a R with this man, or do you just want your old life back?

-Py


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
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Py, absolute manic and busy here, induction for us and the kids with no internet in apartment. Will post and give update soon.

Thank you to everyone who has posted. H is texting daily ATM. Just asking about my new place etc. I am not answering all the texts and waiting at least 24hrs before I reply.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

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smoth,

what age kids? locals or what? why do they need induction?

www is hassle so i am happy to wait.

smoth, i hope you know I love you, and all i want is for you to be cler of this [censored]. So please, at he risk of flying in the face-off DB coach (quo bono?), please for your sake, rather than bravely not responding to his texts. just don't. they are not priority.

Py is a bigger priority than you H. He cares. OK this is a stretch --- but my point is that YOU are a bigger priority. I was at shrink yesterday re:parenting of d4. IDK that there is anything really wrong with her, I dont' think there is, but my point is that yet again IC presented me with task. task was to evaluate how I value/nurtutre myself. Again, point is that all nurturing stem from there.

So are you nurturing yourself - or - as i read it putting yourself last.

(((Smothy)))


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
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Pyrite,

Your post above really rings a bell with me right now. This is something that I have been playing over and over in my heard. Am I so focused on getting my WW back that I may fail to see that the M is doomed. I agree with you that the best way to handle this is to let the M die and if romance blossoms out of an R so be it. You have done a great job of putting this into words. I needed to read this. Thank you


Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs
EA: Started 3/2015
MC Started: 4/2015
She moved out and served 6/2015
PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015
2 young kids

"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
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Hey Why,

Cool name.

This was just an intermediate post, the real goss is on my thread, or see Zeus, or Vanilla, or much wiser people than I.

I will look you up now, but you know what - the short answer is the same as the answer you have heard all along. YOU!!! You have no control over anyone else, you never did. Without even knowing your sitch I can say with certainty that ALL of this will proceed with less pain, more grace and dignity if you my friend focus on YOU.

Personally, I am [censored] up man. Saw an IC yesterday re:parenting young kids. No real problem but d4 is very reserved and IC's are my life now. Better to be informed than not you know. Anyway, IC gave ME sheet to look at for consideration. the modern father. Self -> partner-provider-parent. The point being that SELF is actually very important, no brainer. I denied it for years, but look where I am smile


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
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EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
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Hi All, I am in a country where it is very difficult to get any internet without it being censored. Think Far East. Even with a VPN every thing is sporadic, no google, FB etc.

Py, your words about letting my M die is going round my head. I know this is what I need to do. It took me a while to not look at his FB last time I was OS so I know I can do it. Feel better with the space between us.

Huddy, H is still texting OWs and D is still on the table.

Py, I am going to catch up on your other thread while I have the chance, ie internet is working ;-)


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

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Very proud of myself, FT DS and did not ask about H.

Usually, I ask him where his dad is what is he doing etc. small steps.

Can't sleep tonight as I am conflicted about the advice given here and what my DB coach has said. however, I have read the advice on Huddy's thread and know that I must follow that advice too. This is what I wrote there;

Huddy, all the advice about letting go and not hanging onto every word replies to me too. Prior to reading this I was uncertain about releasing more funds for my solicitors (lawyers) to proceed to court for the financial order.

I now see this is what I must do rather than waiting to see what his next move is before mine. The post is right about our actions shouldn't be dictated by what we think our WAS will/ not do.

This is hard, my resolve crumbles so easily from any indication that I may 'see' as H changing his mind.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

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hey Smoth,

I don't see it as contradictory advice. Be light and breezy, be friends. You;re underlying attitude should not be dominated by "what outcome am i going to get if I do A or B?" Your H IS not going to change his mind based on a reply to a text or a cleverly worded email that YOU have concocted. He is going to change HIS mind, by himself. Granted, you are a "feature" in his existence that might contribute t o this, but it will be your L&B demeanour which accomplishes this. And your demeanour is not genuinely L&B (as in for your own sake), it is forced to solicit a particular response.

Give up on soliciting a response per text. Live your life. Live it well. If he changes his mind you are NOT going to miss it, corollary you are NOT going to see it while you are so hooked on it.

OK DR says "watch", but I dont think that applies to us , or you, and certainly not on an hourly/daily basis.

This M, you, are on your deathbed. Go to the light Smothy. On the outside your resistance is seen in the living world as coughing and spluttering and an ugly death. Go to the light. Who knows, maybe it is true, maybe people have returned from that place, reborn, reinvigorated. IF not you get to stay there. Easier said than done, but lets aim for something like this.


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
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hey,

maybe it was elsewhere that I posted this but honestly, I think the old saying:

"believe nothing of what you hear, and 1/2 of what you hear"

should be re-interpreted. nothing you hear ..... is relevant anyway, so dont listen FOR it. certainly dont anticipate it.


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
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