Letting go, really hurts (Smothy 9)

[HurtHus]

Very low key today, went out for the day with a friend. Came back and for the first time H did not ask where I was or how was my day.

He went into his room to 'work' and I went to pack. Civil so all is good. Did not think of situation or H while out, really took it off my mind :-)

friend wants 'more' but told him I am not in that place and this is all I can give him.

Stinks you need to beat the fellas off with a stick, but take that as a compliment and let it bolster your confidence.

[Huddy]

NO. Do not go there. That is a distraction you don't need right now.

[Smothy]

I know. Another weird evening. Had a pleasing last evening meal together. DS is not home tomorrow. H was very complimentary. Went into the hot tub and said that I looked beautiful, had a lovely body etc. quite a poignant evening as I said to H this will be the last item we do this together. held each other and said our goodbyes.

Prob. get a lot of flack for this. I felt it was what I needed to do. We had a cuddle and kiss before H went to bed. Spoke about how he feels for OW2. H said it is not what he wants right now and does not want her to leave her partner. Said he thinks I am beautiful etc. H was staring at me all through out the time we were I the hot tub. Acted all breezy antd light.

We held each other for a while and it felt right but I pulled away. Very tempted to go to him tonight but know I mustn't. With the added complications of friend wanting to take me to airport too to say goodbye,

[Huddy]

I think you need a vet. This is getting far too complex. You need to get away from that 'friend' for now.

[Pyrite]

vipashana Smoth. extended periods of meditation and NO talking, NO contact, with anyone - retreat. things are just getting way too touchy/feely all over the place. it has been quite a while since you have commented on anything that is not EXTERNAL, and externals are/should be irrelevant to your own PMA.

centre and re-centre on you. focus on your breath. then on the wind. then on the birds. then back to the centre. to you. fid your centre. recognise these externals. and see them for what they are. they will come and go.and they do, with every post you make there is a new reason for you to ask how should I feel, what should I do. you will always be you. your perception of these externals can take any form you let them. dont let them deter you. You are strong. You have your own agenda. Stick to where you want to go and use these externals to reaffirm that. You ask these questions, but you already know the answer. trust yourself.

cryptic enough? (sorry, late, tired, d4 is quite the motional handful right now, i'm just an idiot anyway, blah, blah, blah)

[Smothy]

Last evening in the UK. Went for a meal with H. Light and breezy. Ordered wine and H said to let my 'wife' taste it. Oh how we read so much into these interactions. Pleasant and not touchy-feely like the other night.

Spoke to friend on the phone when we got back, H fell asleep on the sofa, said goodnight and went to our respective rooms. So hard not to feel a little disappointed with this. Even though I though, I know I should I have no expectations.

[Smothy]

Thank you, Py. Will get back media takin. Have neglected this recently.

One thing I learnt recently is, breathe in think calm your body, breathe out, smile.

It works every time.

[Pyrite]

Excellent (((Smothy))) I like it - it does work!

[Smothy]

At my new work place abroad. Text H and Ds to say I arrived. How much communication should I give H. DB coach says reciprocate and keep on friendly terms, ok to email. What do we think on this?

[Sotto]

I'm sure your coach knows best, but I would work on the basis of reciprocate but not initiate. If your H doesn't respond to your 'arrival' message, maybe leave it a while and just enjoy settling in.

With my H there's very little contact, but I tend to initiate a little something every month or so if I haven't heard from him.