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Smothy Offline OP
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Moving abroad in 4 days. Hope this new thread will have the clarity I am looking for.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...113#Post2596113

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Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

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Good luck! I pray that is true.


Me:33 H:36
T:13 years
M:10 years
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Separated 05/15
H Filed 06/15
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Safe travels Smoth! May you find both peace and clarity by the end of this thread.

Let us know when you get there and get settled.

PP


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
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morning Smoth,

why? you ask. I think it is like I said before - he is peaking too. its the same behaviour he has exhibited before, its just magnified. You handled it very well. Keep your cool.

To you: re: why is he acting like this etc.
what answer would you be satisfied with? what would you do then?

I think this is just part of the feelings -> values conflict we have been discussing. He does have deliberate motivation, albeit subconscious he needs your reaction, your part in this, in order to justify his behaviour of pursuing D, OW. Whether it be to validate himself as the victim or the wonderful man who can smooth over a D.

You want and maybe he can be steered away from D here. He knows it is wrong but he is holding his ground and sticking to it anyway. Maybe "just the right words" will move him. doubtful. maybe just the right action will. closer to the truth maybe. Now this is peaking because he also see you getting on that plane and leaving as "the end".

So what can you do?

sadly, I suspect nothing. what you have been doing along, light and breezy. the conversation you have just now put off until a more appropriate time to talk about it - this is the perfect example. He is hovering. he holds out a branch to you but as soon as you move your arm to touch it, he withdraws and everything he says and interprets comes from a place of serving his own agenda of justifying his behaviour. He has to get out of that place himself I suppose.

I get into this mess too. At 1st it was second to second, there was no other thought, then minute by minute, hour by hour. Now it is more "manageable" - it is still several times per hour though. BUT, big difference is that I hardly even have to question now - is it worth me sending, saying, asking, telling. Since BD I have "tried" to constrain myself by asking "What will I achieve", to which the answer has always been "nothing" when it comes to any discussion involving R and more importantly the 2nd question which has been much more enlightening to answer - "What do i WANT to achieve?".

for e.g. he was suicidal at Xmas time

your response - sorry (OK fair enough, validating)
- so was I (why say this. what will you achieve and what do you hope to achieve)

will he recognise that you were hurting too, and he caused it, or will he do what my W does and turn it around that I created this situation, she is humbly euthanising the M, the martyr, the hero. Do you want to make him feel bad even if he does accept the blame? Isn't this what he complained about before - albeit this was exaggerated crap anyway.

Also - what is his motivation? all discussed above.

maybe you should even ask him this "Why do you want to discuss this, again. What outcome would you be satisfied with?"


M: 6 T: 12
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EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
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Smothy Offline OP
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Logged on the computer this morning to print off e tickets etc. saw gmail to OW2 I f***ing love you xxxx! Wow how that hurt seeing that.

When will it stop hurting discovery more 'truths' from the lies H has told me. Ie only sex, friends. Keeping believe nothing and half of what they say at the back of my mind doesn't soothe anything.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
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Smothy Offline OP
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Py, good suggestion. I only know I want to leave with the truth and some clarity of why H would throw away 20 years M so easily. What we all want I suppose. This eats at me when I think. This is partly why I am keen to allow H to discuss.

No where detached as everything H does/ don't do still on my mind.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
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Smothy, you might not get that darling. I'm sorry. Firstly, there is a good chance he doesn't even know. If he does come p with something it will almost certainly be so jaded by this "fog" that he is in that it isn't worth listening too. 3rdly, you might never get it. You might never get a reason, let alone a good reason. You might never hear heartfelt sorry for anything more than "getting caught" so to speak. He will likely never be remorseful and regret it. its [censored], it hurts, and it aint going to go away for a long time.

All of that said, the fact that you saw "i love you" email, and H was lying, is really no surprise. Again, sorry, it [censored]. That is who he is right now. I wanted to believe early on that my W would be different. I knew her after all. Those other people I read about, my W could not be like that. But she has actually proved herself to be worse!! It's her right to [censored] whoever she likes in our house when I'm not there. It's her right to introduce whoever she wants to our kids etc.

It just makes your head spin that 1. people can do this ib the first place. 2. they can look you in the eye and outright lie 3. why? who, what and why are you lying to protect.it just doesn't make any sense, on any level,, from any perspective.


M: 6 T: 12
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Another evening of more conversation. Started with H looking through the mortgage payments. H said that why did it take me to realise he was going to walk, for me to change. Why didn't I do this 5 years earlier. I knew I didn't like the arguments, shouting etc and I still comtinued to do this. I said that I made changes in this area. H said he doesn't believe the changes I made a few years ago and now.

Said OW1 and OW2 are just friends. I validated and agreed that this was my aha moment. Said that H didnt make it clear what he terms my emotional abuse and bullying. Said it took him months to get over that and what happened with OM. Said he did tell me but I didn't listen. I guess I didn't.

He will always love me but we would never be together In that way again. Gave me some details about OWs and said that he only told them he loves them in a way friends do. (I did not give him details how I knew). Said Ow2 will never leave her partner. said that he loves them as they made him valuable and accepted. Said that I was to blame for the demise of M. I said I take 50% of the responsibility for all the [censored] he put me through I did it for 'better and worse'.

Said he still doesn't trust me and feels that I will become 'abusive' to him again.

said loads of things I shouldn't of, and not the things I should.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
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Said that whenever I made him feel valuable and accepted, I would then argue with him a bit later. Said I should know as a teacher that saying positive things then negative, people only remember the negative.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,119
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Originally Posted By: Smothy
Logged on the computer this morning to print off e tickets etc. saw gmail to OW2 I f***ing love you xxxx! Wow how that hurt seeing that.

When will it stop hurting discovery more 'truths' from the lies H has told me. Ie only sex, friends. Keeping believe nothing and half of what they say at the back of my mind doesn't soothe anything.



Maybe it won't ever stop. We'll think it will stop, and then they'll go and prove us wrong. It will diminish. There is a commonly spoken saying that it takes as long to get over an R as you were in it. Not backed up by any studies I know of, but just from anecdotal evidence, I'd say there is some truth to it. Of course, there are people who never drop the rope, and those who work through this and face the actual pain and emotions of the sitch. The latter do get better faster than those who just run and distract themselves to avoid dealing w/ the pain. You clearly fall in the stand, face, and deal w/ it category.

Definitely a punch in the gut. Sorry for you & hope this particular hurt dissipates quickly.

Good travels.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
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