Hello. First time post. I will lay out my scenario and would like some thoughts on how to proceed, how to heal, how to have a stronger marriage...here we go.
My wife started working for a neighbour about a year ago and things have been great. A few times when I went up to bed after her and assumed she was sleeping already I noticed that she was still on her phone - explained that she was on Facebook/Pintrest etc...no biggee...whatever.
One night my curiosity got the best of me and I logged into her screen on laptop and there was a long string of texts/iMessages between her and her boss. Started with harmless/borderline joking but as the discussion progress to my wife PRODDING the boss to admit something to her...eventually he caved and admitted he "wanted it", "he wanted her"...my wife admitted she had similar feelings but pointed out the consequences and tried to steer the conversation back to the platonic realm...her boss told her he would not text her the following day, if she texted him and wanted to continue down that path GREAT, if not, no hard feelings...clearly he did not see this as being over.
I was enraged and heart broken. I went back into the history to see where this all started etc...The "relationship" went from being joking to crossing the line in my opinion over the course of a month on/off...emails and texts/iMessages were all uncovered (to me - didn't tell her about my snooping)...
I am 100% sure nothing physical happened, which would have been a deal breaker for me. But I am still struggling (this is about day 10 since I found out)...After copying the text conversation and all the other conversations I could (and storing off site) I CALMLY (surprising to myself) marched up stairs with the evidence of this one coversation, flipped on the lights (IT WAS 2 AM) and asked her if there was something she wanted to tell me...she was confused at first, but when I confronted her with the proof (THIS IS THE ONLY PROOF I TOLD HER I HAD AT THIS POINT) she acknowledged that she'd gotten carried away and as the text string proved TRIED to stop things in it's track...I was temped to not confront her and continue surveillance but did not want to risk the relationship going physical.
My wife could not explain how things escalated to this level...she claims there was never a physical attraction, but she liked the flattery, ability to talk about work/life etc...
I tracked all the conversations back and there was a pattern of the boss making a comment that was offside...my wife saying something to the effect of ha ha and changing the topic (her trying to remain professional)...the boss realizing the comment was offside and apologizing, but it would all happen again later in the chat or a subsequent chat...
The week preceding me finding out my wife was on vacation visiting a friend across the country. I later discovered at least 600/700 texts back and forth..nothing of this steamy nature, but it appeared to be a budding relationship...conversations always starting with work or the mundane, but a clingy nature on both sides to not end the conversation...my wife and I exchanged maybe 5/10 texts a day as I was taking care of our children and letting her enjoy her time away to relax with her friends and family...who wants your spouse texting you all day while you're away right?
My wife and I both had some tears and talked things through and she owned up to everything and could not have been more apologetic. My wife had 3 more workdays until the weekend and then was off on a girls weekend (with the boss's wife, who is a good friend of hers - awkward right?)
The boss beat around the bush on the Thursday and picked up where he left off hoping to continue this "relationship"...my wife fended it off - but too casually in my opinion...she basically told him it was fun but it was disrespectful.
The Friday the same thing occurred and my wife was WAY MORE ASSERTIVE that it could not continue and reminded him of the consequences - both my wife and his wife come from homes where parents cheated physically.
My wife left for her trip and I thought I was OK. I was up late on Friday night re-reading all the texts/emails and that's when I found the emails from the previous 2 days where he did not appear willing/able to discontinue the relationship. On saturday am I broke down in tears hugging my son twice and could not explain to him why (for obvious reasons)...at this point I said enough was enough and I texted the boss and told him to meet me in his backyard to talk (I indicated that we needed to talk and he knows why)...he complied and I marched over. NOT LOOKING for anything physical, just to END THIS.
I asked him to listen, which he did. He was wanting to tell his side and was adamant that nothing physical would EVER happen. He understood that I probably didn't believe him but he swore that on his children's lives...eventually he teared up when I asked him to put himself in my shoes, what if it was me and his wife engaging in this type of relationship?...he apologized profusely, said that he should probably move b/c he couldn't stand living next to me knowing that I wasn't comfortable living next door to him. I told him to not make any rash decisions and it was 100% up to him whether he discussed this with his wife...his marriage, his decision...all I asked of him was that he keep the relationship 100% professional - whatever friendship was there was OVER...had to be.
Fast forward to the Sunday when my wife returned...I explained what happened while she was gone - she was not angry - just anxious about how it would affect her job and her relationship with her boss's wife (if she was brought into the loop).
My wife offered me full access to her email / work email / texts etc (and I'm clever enough to find deleted / and presumably permanently deleted items)...she really wants to put this in the past and get over it...she crafted an email to her boss, I edited it and she sent it to her boss (cc'd me)...basically stated that what happened was wrong, it hurt me, it wasn't and can't happen again...and let's just talk about work stuff at work and that's it...
Couple days later he replied acknowledging and agreeing that yes it was wrong, no nothing physical would ever have occurred and yes she is a valuable employee and he can and will back off and be 100% professional...
So here we are...what I'm struggling with is the constant need to revisit the old texts/emails...to keep bringing up old hurts...to start trusting again...as I said this is a VERY FRESH WOUND for me. There will be social interaction between us all and I am not sure how I will react, but I can certainly avoid 1 on 1 contact with the boss, and my wife is also in agreement that she will as well...The boss really is a nice guy, he just got caught up, as my wife did, in something that neither one of them ever could have foreseen happening...I think he fell for her and until I confronted him I believe his pursuit would have continued.
We're both willing to see how things go at work for her and if she can be happy working there without the friendship of her boss which was a part of her job that she enjoyed...if it crosses the line again then ya, she'll need to look for a new job...
My wife is disappointed that she could have not had a platonic relationship with a man without it escalating...and disappointed in herself for letting it transpire into an emotional affair...
I'm not looking for anyone to dump on my wife - trust me she could not feel worse and she's owned up to her actions...guess I'm looking for help coping...help building trust...help with how to interact with the boss (my plan is to keep it pleasant but we were friendly but not friends before)...thanks in advance for letting me speak in this trusting and open forum.
Hi Jay, if you'll stick with us, I believe the board can help you. If you haven't read Divorce Remedy, please do so ASAP.
You, your W, and the OM/Neighbor are trying to do something that doesn't work. That being, to continue on as though nothing has happened. She cannot work for this man. Once those words of desire are out there...it opens a doorway. I bet if OM's W knew what was said between them, she would not be willing for your W to continue working for him.
Some H's don't see an EA being serious, or as serious as a PA. For women, and affair of the heart is very strong. This OM knows how to slowly work in those words to make your W feel flattered. You may be surprised as to where that flattery can lead.
When OM said he may have to move, it would have been better if you told him that you agreed. However, you showed him that you wanted your W to continue to be around him.....professionally. He has already proven that he is not a man of much character, right? You cannot trust him, or her, to act as though nothing was said between them.
I'm sure she was embarrassed and feels badly about the whole incident. Did you realize that EA's are addictive? I didn't know it, until I had an EA of my own.
Even before I decided to end it, I discovered the strong pull......but put it down as being attraction. Like your W, I really didn't find the OM to that physically good looking, but there was something that did attract me to him. When I decided to end things, I experienced just how addictive these EA's can be. The urge to contact him, see him, hear from him, see his picture.....anything.....is better than going this route, or so it feels at the time. It has been compared to drug addiction.
Although your W feels badly right now, you both are making a huge mistake by thinking further contact with her and OM will not lead to more involvement. She's already addicted to TM him, and I'm pretty sure she's going to discover it immediately.
I am so sorry this has happened in your M. Things can be turned around, but it will call for her complete separation from the neighbors, even the OM's W.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have committed to my wife that we will give her working there a while to see how it goes. Her contact with the boss has been minimal and 100% work related. I've been given access to her emails and now how to retrieve permanently deleted ones should I have a flare-up on non-trust...
The OM/Boss emailed my wife and copied me on it stating that he agreed the conversations got out of hand after starting innocently and re-iterated that he would not have pursued things in a physical nature. I'm still struggling with whether that is true or not from his standpoint, but I know my wife would not tolerate any further advances at this point.
This past weekend we were all at a neighbourhood party at the OM/boss's. It was an outdoor gathering so there was not any 1-on-1 contact amongst any of us (aside from the OM's W who is still in the dark)...there was a certain awkwardness from my perspective as I tried to keep a physical distance. After the party ended there was a smaller gathering with fewer guests out front for a fire. My discomfort was stronger so when I got an opportunity to call it a night I took it. I was hoping my wife would have also, but she remained outside (OM and his W still outside but not in close proximity)...wondering what is reasonable of me to ask of my W in social settings when I need to excuse myself? Should she come with me? Should I stay and not leave her side with the OM present?
We are both in agreement that my W and the OM cannot be friends...we can remain friendly and put up an appearance, but any harmless banter they had prior to the EA just cannot happen, whether it be around the house, social settings at work etc...Professional at work; cordial at home around friends/neighbours that's it...I'm willing to try this for a while, but on the other hand I'm wondering what if I had taken the OM/Neighbour up on his offer to move???
I know I need time to pass to assess whether this discomfort will subside or whether I will have to circle back around and suggest to the OM that moving is what I need to happen...better him than me!
I am not disregarding your advice for no contact - we had just figured out a game plan (my W and I) to try this approach before I came across this site and poured out my feelings...I hope you are not right, but if you are that is what will have to happen...
Do yourself a favor and read Sandis WW threads ... that EA is like a drug, and just like any druggie who gets caught .. they will say just what we want to hear but that pull to use is VERY strong ... They both got busted and are freaking out right now but I will tell you .. as time goes on this feeling will die off and things will return to a more level state .... I will bet this will repeat but they will be smarter about covering tracks this time ... maybe not have anything electronically ... heck they all but admitted they both would like to go for it ... contact between your W and OM is NOT a good idea, you busted the A for now ... why would you risk this??? For what ?? You have to make a stand here ... an a VERY STRONG ONE.
Quote:
We are both in agreement that my W and the OM cannot be friends...we can remain friendly and put up an appearance, but any harmless banter they had prior to the EA just cannot happen, whether it be around the house, social settings at work etc...Professional at work; cordial at home around friends/neighbours that's it...I'm willing to try this for a while,
How can you possibly control this^^^ ??? To me its like you caught a couple teens about ready to do it .. they both scrambled and put their pants back on ... stammered and stuttered and said what they needed to .... now you are going to leave the house with them both there and blindly 'trust' they will behave .... Ummm ... you might as well leave some condoms on the table.
Sorry you are here Jay. I have to say I agree with Cali. In my case, I discovered an EA and my H panicked and ended things straight away with OW. I had a big shock at the time that my H 'almost' had an A, and thought we were recovering from that.
Unbeknown to me, he and OW reconnected after a couple of weeks and a PA developed (it may have already been a PA before, but I'm basing this on what my H told me.) I wasn't posting on the forum at that time - but the 'danger signs' were there. He changed his passcode on the phone and was protective of it. There were times he was MIA in the evenings when working away - but there was always an excuse you know? And he was angry at me for 'snooping' and kept saying - we've come a long way (since the EA) why do we have to keep going back to this?
OW moved abroad, some time during this period and three months later, he rang me one night to say he was going to visit her. Then he emailed me to confirm the PA and we S. Later we talked about what had happened and why he got drawn back in. He said OW was initially angry, and then she cooled down and asked to see him. She told him there was an obvious attraction there and she wanted them to pursue it. He said yes. He told me that Pandora's box had been opened and there had been no going back.
I just want you to be aware that once the line has been crossed, it becomes so addictive. I hope my story has been helpful, and it will encourage you to take a strong stance in respect of your W and her contact with another guy. Based on my experience on the forum, she is unlikely to 'do the right thing' here. Likely, things will get worse and it will all take a good while to play out.
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
She knows you were hurt by the EA, and Uncomfortable with the OM. Yet when you left, she chose to stay outside where HE was, not leave with you and honor your feelings.
Her ACTIONS showed you where her priorities lay, and they clearly are not with you or the marriage- her priority was to stay close to OM.
Time for your 180s . She is choosing a dangerous path. I am so sorry this is happening to your marriage.
Keep coming back to these forums, and read DR.
M: 48 H: 44 M: 2 / T: 7 My kids: S22, S18, S17, D12 H no kids of his own BD: 7/12/2015 / moved out same day Piecing 9/6/2015 Moved back in 10/2015
I think you need to think about your boundaries. I would hope a no contact with OM would be one of them. Like Missmeg says your W staying out with the OM when you left is a big red flag.
For me, I informed the OM's W of the situation. I felt it important to nip this in the bud from both sides and that I believed she shouldn't be the only one in the dark. It worked for me. Some on here would advise not doing this but it worked for me, but we weren't neighbors or friends.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I agree with everyone else, if you don't set a more healthy boundary here you will most likely regret it. It is like finding out your wife has become an alcoholic but you agree it is ok for her to continue working in a bar. You will see reference to the no contact rule (NC) in just about every reference regarding affair healing.
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
Jay bob, You are being naïve. Your wife should never see or talk to this man again. I made the EXACT SAME MISTAKE as you are making. I allowed my wife to continue to work with the person. She would copy me on their work emails, he promised it would never happen again, and I didn't tell his wife. It started back up, and went on another two and a half years.
Step 1- Tell his wife everything that you know. Get everything out in the open, and get an ally on your side to keep them apart. Do not tell your wife of your plan, she will talk you out of doing it as my wife did. The single biggest thing I finally did to end my wife's EA was to tell the OMs wife.
Step 2- you wife quits immediately: no notice.
Step 3- either you or your neighbor moves far away.
Choose not to follow those steps at your peril. As Sandi states, affairs are an addiction. She may have meant it when she promised to quit, but there's no putting that horse back in the barn. Given a little time, it will start back up, only HOTTER than before. Affairs heat up after each time the attempt to separate and then get back together. Learn from my mistakes and ACT! -HS
