Can I ask you something that always makes me curious, why did you stop posting before? If this forum and the book helped you save your M, why didn't you ever report back the good news? You can't imagine how much that would help others here, because we get a lot of complaints that there are so few success stories but often it's because people just quit posting once things turn around. One of the reasons I ask is it makes me question your ability to follow through on things. Like if you just quit posting here because you "finally got what you wanted" (IE, your M back) then do you do the same to your W- quit trying once you get what YOU want.
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Of course when I returned home I was in shock. Weve been having issues lately that seem to be building. Shes mentioned leaving and divorce but that was usually at times of anger.
What are the issues that you've been having lately? It sounds like once you were back together that you slipped into old habits. You may have thought it was all water under the bridge, but she was looking at you under a microscope to see if your changes were real. If you didn't maintain those changes that brought her back then I'm not surprised she left without comment this time.
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I'm still sober, still in shape, still trying to grow as a person, I guess I just dont know what to do or where to go from here.
Congrats on staying sober and in shape, that's great! It sounds like you weren't meeting her needs though. And there were fights and arguments taking place? Expand on that so we have a better idea of what's going on.
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I know from our last problem period that persuing her will only push her further. Do I continue no contact?
Yes, leave her be for now. She will probably reach out at some point but it might be weeks from now.
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She felt unsupported, under appreciated and ignored. I didnt try to make her feel those things, life just got busy and hectic. Our schedules and interests changed and our priorities were different.
Again, it would help us if you could expand on this. Why did she feel those things? It sounds almost like you pushed her out of your life and set your priorities elsewhere.
Hello AS, So to answer your first question, I stopped because one of the people asked me a couple times when I was returning from deployment. I just got uncomfortable about it and stayed away. About a week later I was gone on a job and didnt have internet access for a couple of weeks. When i returned W finally came around a bit. We slowly got more and more comfortable. I validated and didnt push. When i finally got home things were a but rocky but we worked hard to get through it.
The biggest issues lately were her feeling like I dont support her or believe in . shes got some pretty lofty goals as an athlete (olympics) and she thinks I dont believe she can accomplish them. I pay for just about everything so she can go to school and train full time. I think i saw that as support where as she may have needed more on the emotional side. I also have a hobby that takes up a lot of time though my goals arent as lofty. I thought having something I was interested in would give us each something to do. When I quit drinking I had so much time and she was always training so i needed to stay busy.
Plus I struggled in the past with control issues. I think I tried to change that aspect and maybe just let go a bit too much
When we would fight it would usually be about money or small things like helping around the house, responsibilities in the home and such. But it would always come back to support or believeing in her or something similar.
She's got friwnds around her who are very suppoetive and encouraging. I guess she feels like I wasnt a good enough cheerleader. Ive always been proud of her accomplishments and hard work. I'm just not a very ra-ra person.
I hope thats everything. I'm on a phone so I apologize for any errors. I dont have a computer am.
Thank you, Cadet. Good to talk to you again in a really weird way. I apologize for just stopping the posts last time around. I think I got kind of sketched out by Christy asking when id be home from deployment and didnt want to post anything I shouldnt have about dates and such. Anyways, I'm here and ill be posting. Thank you all for the support.
Well Cristy seems to have stopped posting, not sure why but we are still here to support you.
Thank you, fellas. I got home a few hours ago and have been cleaning since I came in. The worst part of all of this is coming home to a house with no energy. No life. I'm used to her and my dogs greeting me when I come home and now theres nothing.
Ive been thinking a lot about what went wrong. I definitely think I got a bit lazy, sure. But it also might not be as much my fault as I think it is.
We argued a lot about money. She trained full time (6-7 times a week, mornings and evenings tues. Thurs.)and recently started going to school (wed. Friday). She didnt really contribute much financially and because she was training or at school she didnt really contribute as much as I probably would have liked around the house.
She would come home and just seem upset. She would get on me for not doing more around the house. I leave for work at 645 and get home around 430 and some days not until 530/6. Some days we were just able to say hi/bye between work and each of our trainings. In an effort to make her happy ive made a real effort to help around the house more. Dishes, Laundry, whatever. It still didnt seem to help. If it wasnt the house it was money.
She felt like she didnt have freedom to do what she wanted. Shed spend money and get upset when I would ask if the things she was buying were necessary. She would get offered camps and seminars that would cost 300+ and hotel fees on top of that and id be expected to just make it happen. Shes in the nicest workout clothes and I'm in the same stuff ive had for years. That never really bothered me, I enjoy being able to do nice things and get her nice things, I just didnt feel appreciated for it.
She would lose her temper and get snappy. Shed say some mean stuff when she was angry. Stuff just to get under my skin. Ive made a real effort to not do the same even when I wanted to. Being sober has made controling my biting tongue a bit easier.
Shes mentioned leaving before. Shes said shes going to leave but hasnt ever actually done it. She took all of her things. She took our pets and my cat. Technically shes our cat but we both know the cat is mine, I got her as a kitten and nursed her to health. She lived with me before my w did.
She did this to knowingly hurt me. She knew if she left the cat it wouldnt hurt as much. She wanted me to feel the sting of an empty house everytime I come in the door.
Shes gone black on her social media as well which is unlike her. Shes usually posting stories on IG of our pets and her workouts. Nothing since Wednesday.
Monday she got home from a competition after being gone since Friday. I couldnt go due to a retirement I had to attend and I think that really bothered her. Anyways, monday we had sex, caught up on her competition, then went and did our taxes. Everything seemed ok, we got along fine and things were good. I had duty Tuesday. We texted a bit, she told me she loved me. Didnt talk much more throughout the day. We were both busy. Go to work Wednesday morning, come home Wednesday afternoon and boom. Shes gone.
I dont know where I was going with this. Maybe I just needed to get it all out. I apologize for the long post and errors. Still just on the phone so its a little difficult to be perfect.
I havent reached out to her since Wednesday. I figured if shes angry enough to leave like that shes gottta cool down a bit if im gonna get anywhere. Im sure shes telling the people shes staying with that I'm a real a-hole and
I just realized this last part wansnt complete, im sorry.
I havent reached out to her since Wednesday. I figured if shes angry enough to leave like that shes gottta cool down a bit if im gonna get anywhere. Im sure shes telling the people shes staying with that I'm a real a-hole and theyre coaching/helping her through this.
Should i reach out to them and let them know I respect her space, love her and would like to talk when shes ready or should i just keep staying dark and not contacting. Im just worried they'll reinforce the "more of the same" narrative if I dont do or say something.
"She was looking at you under a microscope to see if your changes were real"
Is this really how anyone wants to live for 3 years? Under a microscope?
Raw, were you cheating? Were you spending all of your families income on drugs or gamblimg it away? Were you not coming home cause you were with friends hanging out at strip clubs and she was left wondering where you were? Were you forgetting to pick up you children from preschool cause you were hung over? Did you hit her or call her names?
Or are you just one of those guys that leave the toilet seat up?
Seriously. Sometimes we just have the misfortune to have picked a partner that is simply not committed to marriage. They might be committed to their own personal happiness. In which case, any little microscopic thing you do they will blame and villify because of their own miscontent. Use as an excuse to cheat, or leave. She has already done this. And will continue to do this cause this is who she is.
Maybe if you get a second job that enables her more luxuries? Maybe she will come back...until she adapts to that and wants something else.
To me it sounds like you are human. And living with another human gets boring or annoying. That's what marriage is. Some can handle getting annoyed or bored, others cant.
Stop the chase. Learn to value yourself. Cause as a woman whose husband did forget to pick up son from preschool multiple times, and who withdrew 800 a week in bad neighborhoods.. I'm scratching my head wondering, what does she want?
Again. Learn to value yourself. Work on your self esteem. She does not appreciate you? I am sure there are others who will. Her loss.
Hey Juju, No, none of that stuff. I go to work, go to jiu jitsu and train, come home and spend whatever time we had together with her and the pets.
Because of our schedules we havent been doing many date nights. Its been hard to do much more than get a walk with the dogs in or watch a movie before bed.
The more I think about it the more I think it was a mixture of not enough attention, not enough support and Her being an extremely sensitive person.
She would complain that the only time I touch her was when I wanted sex, but I feel like I tried to give her more attention than she gave me credit for. I tried to be supportive and tell her how proud of her I am. Hoe im happy for her doing so well in school and how shes getting really good as an athlete but I guess it wasnt enough.
This is rough, I'm hoping she comes around soon but who knows. I think she expected me to really flip out when she left and go try to get my cat and truck but I didnt do anything. Im really wondering what she's wondering right now and where things are going to go from here.
It will never be enough cause its not about you. Life will always get in the way. Marriage is about being committed to a person when life gets in the way. When your spouse is not perfect. Doesn't even sound like you guys have had any major life stress. Like kids, death, illness, job loss. So what happens when that happens? Do you want a fair weathered friend or someone that is committed through it all and doesnt run at the first indication of discomfort?
Most of us do not have the luxury of quitting our job when our spouse needs more attention.
You seem to blame yourself a lot but are her expectations realistic?
Is her reaction to not getting her way fair or realistic? What else can you do beyond support her dream financially and emotionally? Do you realize how lucky she is to have you do that?
I wonder what type of lifestyle she feels entitled to? What is her back ground? She sounds spoiled.
You guys both sound like you are still young and starting lives. I understand the appeal of dating someone that is an Olympian athlete. But her actions and expectations are all red flags.
Read some of the other posts here of men married to women like that with children. How these women leave kids, or even worse take the kids away and the father's have to spend all their money supporting ex wife while she lives with her new boyfriend and kids. There are tons of posts in here like that.
Personally, i think she is showing you who she really is. Actually, she showed you twice. Stop chasing her. Evaluate whats really attracting you to her and ask yourself if thats with it.
Youre definitely right about most of it. She is a bit spoiled and ive contrubuted to that as well. I know our situation isnt as bad as some. Weve been married 7.5 years now and we dont have kids so I understand it could be much worse.
I love her though, and ive always seen something in her thats has attracted me to her.
In all fairness, while I did support her financially I admit I could have been more supporting emotionally. I could have made more time to do her activities and interests rather than use the time she was training to persue my own hobbies. Like i said, I do jiu jitsu but I dont have goals of being a world class competitor. I easily could have missed one of my trainings a night to train with her. But i didn't.
We are both young. Shes younger than me. Shes trying to find where she fits in this world and what her path is and I feel like she thinks ive obstructed her path with some of my control issues and lack of support.
Im trying to just give her some space and let her figure things out but its hard. Shes a very sweet, caring loving person when she wants to be.
