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Originally Posted By: raws

One question, when you say validate her, do you mean agree with her saying she's done and wants to separate and divorce?


Hopefully you read the links, especially Wonka's validation thread which I think is a sticky at the top of the forum. But validating is NOT agreeing, in fact I usually tell people NOT to beg/ plead/ reason/ negotiate/ agree/ disagree/ etc. Validation is simply acknowledgement of her feelings. She says she wants a divorce? You say something like "that's not what I want but I understand you feel I've neglected you for quite some time and that divorce is the only option, I understand why you feel this way and I completely support your decision." That acknowledges her FEELINGS while also highlighting that yours are not the same, and it also reinforces that it is HER decision, that you are not making it for her, but you will support her no matter what she decides. Please, by all means ask more questions if you don't understand validation because one thing I've learned here over the years is a lot of people think they're validating when they're really not.

Originally Posted By: raws
Thanks guys. Today was horrible. Horrible. I feel like I'm going to just break down and lose it any minute. No contact from the W.


Sometimes it's a little painful to read these things because it reminds me of things I went through that I've since forgotten about! Oh man, do I ever remember those days of constantly checking email and my phone to see if W sent something, and the heartbreak of not hearing from her. Just awful. Unfortunately you can't take a shortcut through this pain, you've got to feel it to get through it. Just take it a day at a time and if that's too much an hour at a time.

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For the first time since this all started i feel truly hopeless.


There is hope for as long as you continue to hold onto it. It's not over until YOU decide it's over. If you need some hope then read the "Another Divorce Busted"! forum (surprisingly few people here even know it's there), it hasn't been updated in quite a while but there are a lot of inspiring stories there of marriages that were saved against all odds.

Originally Posted By: raws
Question in regards to gifts on anniversaries and such. The anniversary of the day we first met is on the 15th.
Am I to not send W a card or message or anything just to let her know I'm thinking about her?


You're not supposed to give gifts or a card for any milestone, she'll see it as pressure. My 20th anniversary came up not too long after my W left, after discussing it here I ended up talking to her about it, I said something like "given where things are right now I'm sure you don't want a gift for our anniversary, but maybe we could go to dinner not as a date or anything, but just an acknowledgement of the anniversary." She agreed and that's what we did and it went fine. It didn't change anything one way or the other, but I had no expectations that it would.

Originally Posted By: raws
Thanks, Azzork. I hope I get the opportunity to listen and validate. Still completely dark on her end, too.


She's not "dark" per se. She doesn't want contact with you right now, and won't for quite some time.

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I see she pops up on FB, and I'm sure she see's me, but she's not saying anything.


I know it hurts, but you've got to get used to it. This is your "new normal".

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I'm having trouble with the "You didn't break her so you can't fix her thing". I've got a lot of guilt from how bad of a husband I was. Controlling, jealous, possessive, unsupportive, negative... Just plain bad.


And you should try to change those things about yourself to be sure. BUT, like Azzork said, no marriage fails because one spouse was perfect and the other did everything wrong. It's like most car accidents, both parties have some amount of blame. It might be 50-50 or one may have more blame than the other. Usually it just works out that our spouses got tired of it before us. I was darned near the WAS in my M many times. But BD has a strange psychological effect on the LBS, they may have been as unhappy as the WAS but BD suddenly turns them into a pathetic lovelorn mess, LOL! And early on we blame ourselves for EVERYTHING. Do take stock of your faults and work on them, but I'm sure that once the fog clears you'll remember it wasn't all your fault. So you are working on your problems and she needs to work on hers, that's what Cadet's quote means.

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"she can only hurt you if you allow her to" pass through my head. It gave me some peace, if only for a moment.


Well, when you're married a long time the two really do become one. BD rips part of you away suddenly and (usually) unexpectedly. That hurts, and it hurts for a long time. It's not that she's intentionally hurting you or that you're hurting yourself, it's just the transition to your "new normal" that hurts so much. You'll probably emerge from this happier than you've ever been before like I did, but it takes time. And I don't want to downplay what you're going through or sugar coat it, it is agonizing! Just take it a day at a time and try to see that in the end, you will be a better person, you will thrive and your W may very well choose to be with that new and improved you, so don't give up hope smile


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Hello Raws,

First, I'd like to thank you for your service.

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

How much longer will it be before you will be able to see her?

It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.


Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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Thanks, AnotherStender.

Everything you've said is pretty much right on. I've continued reading threads, books and thinking back on some of the things I did to get us here. You and the others are right, it wasn't just me. Sure it may have been a bit more me than her but she has issues too. Everyone does. I can't blame myself for everything, I can only look at how I reacted and see what was wrong in that.

She's begun starting conversations the in the last couple days. I don't message her first anymore. She seems much less angry and even though she's still not back to being the sweet, loving woman I married, it is a step in the right direction. At this point, from this distance, i'll take what i can get.

The biggest thing in my head atm is weather she will respect this marriage enough to not cheat or move on while I'm gone. I know its out of my hands and there's no use worrying about it but it still drives me crazy. Just got keep myself busy and continue on growing as a man.

Thanks for the support, AS.

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Thank you, Cristy.

I'm most likely going to have to wait until I return to the states until I can do phone counseling, luckily thats not too far away. I'lll make sure to get that set up once I do, though.

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Raws,

I'm really glad you are returning to the states soon. When are you heading back?

Cristy


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
#2786112 04/20/18 05:34 AM
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I think I posted in the wrong place so I'm moving here. My apologies.

Hello, I am back here, lurking and looking at threads 3 years after I first found this site and these methods.

W and I had some problems 3 years ago, mostly stemming from my drinking. 3 years ago, I did a 180, quit drinking, lost weight and saved my marriage. At least up until a few days ago.

W took her things and left. Didnt say goodbye, just left. She took the dogs and cat, her clothes and truck and just left.

Of course when I returned home I was in shock. Weve been having issues lately that seem to be building. Shes mentioned leaving and divorce but that was usually at times of anger.

I called her a few times when I got home, no answer. Sent a couple texts, no response. Since Wednesday (the day she left) I havent tried to contact her again.

I'm still sober, still in shape, still trying to grow as a person, I guess I just dont know what to do or where to go from here. I know from our last problem period that persuing her will only push her further. Do I continue no contact?

Shes got a lot of friends, all of whom will take her side and support her thoughts of leaving me. She felt unsupported, under appreciated and ignored. I didnt try to make her feel those things, life just got busy and hectic. Our schedules and interests changed and our priorities were different.

Please let me know what course of action I should take. I love my wife and want to save my marriage, I just dont know what I need to do since shes never left before. Ive read divorce busting but will re read it. Thank you all in advance.

raws #2786114 04/20/18 05:48 AM
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Be your best you, do your thing and keep you head up.
you know what you need to do if youve been here before.
GAL and start the DB techniques yesterday.


M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4
All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18
-----------------------------------------------------
2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD
2 Major breakups.
2 Rebounds
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Thanks Orange. Thats pretty much the plan for now. I dont think this time is easier, but I feel like I know what to expect a bit more so hopefully that helps. The big difference is I'm home this time, last time I was overseas. That and the fact that she actually moved her stuff out.

One of my big concerns is her friends. I know theyre decent people and theyre just trying to help her because they care but I'm worried they wont allow her to reach out to me. Ive got a pretty good relationship with one of them, I was thinkig of reaching out to him or his wife, letting them know I respect her decision, want to give her her space and she can contact me when shes ready. I dont know how that will work out though. I'm concerned about them filling her head with "see how little he cares about you, hes not even trying to get you back" type stuff. Espicially if shes complaining to them about not getting enough attention and support ya know?

raws #2786120 04/20/18 06:19 AM
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Originally Posted By: raws
Hello, I am back here, lurking and looking at threads 3 years after I first found this site and these methods.

Merged your thread in with the last time you were here, go back and read my first post to you at the start of the thread.

DB101 - start with a beginners mind!


Me-70, D37,S36
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Thank you, Cadet. Good to talk to you again in a really weird way. I apologize for just stopping the posts last time around. I think I got kind of sketched out by Christy asking when id be home from deployment and didnt want to post anything I shouldnt have about dates and such.
Anyways, I'm here and ill be posting. Thank you all for the support.

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