MLC leads to EA and WAW

[HurtHus]

Wow that's a lot of abbreviations. Long story short, M 13 years, T 17 years, 2 kids (boy 7 girl 4). Things started changing about 5 or 6 months ago. W started to detach, I felt like I was losing my best friend. 5 months ago she began her EA. Allegedly she ended it about a month ago and we were going to work through this. I had suspected an MLC, but not the EA. I think the MLC lead to the EA, but in any event she has made no real effort to repair things. She admits her mistake and takes responsibility some times, but other times it's as if nothing ever happened and she is just not happy in our M.

I began to detach and not pursue her while validating the fear I know she felt from the MLC, but when she swore she ended the EA and wanted to work together to move forward I reengaged. I provided support and comfort. I see now that this was a mistake and we have had a back slide.

She still tells me the EA is over, but she misses him. She still says she is just "not attracted to me" anymore. Yet she made plans for us as a family to go to Hawaii over our anniversary.

How do I keep from going insane? I feel like I am bipolar. One minute I am hopeful, the next I am resentful, then I am angry, then sad, then it starts over. That's not bipolar actually, too many swings. I am trying to make it through limbo one moment at a time, but don't know how long I can hang on. I have been making changes to myself. My kids have responded very positively. Her entire family has shown support for me through all of this. Everyone of them has told me there was an OM, but I never believed them. My W has cut all ties to her parents, she barely talks to her sisters and when she does she pretends everything is great. She talks to a few girls from work (one just got divorced) and they are telling her what ever she wants to hear otherwise she wouldn't talk to them.

This is the worst thing I have had to endure.

[Ontheup]

You don't say how old you both are?

I see a lot on these boards using the term MLC....I think a lot of people use that term because they don't want to deal with the facts that the person they thought the knew could inflict so much pain on us. Well I assure you they will and do.

Know this. You CAN NOT nice your wife back to the marriage. The more you try with niceness, R talks ,begging, pleading whatever the more she will go the opposite way. She will see it as needy and pathetic. Women are attracted to strong confident men.
Continue making changes but and this is where we all struggle, these changes have to be for YOU. not to impress your wife. She may not even notice. Even if she does she may just ignore them. She may even resent them.

Know this also, EA WILL turn into a PA if it hasn't already. We are sexual creatures and we connect on an intimate level by having sex with the other person to feel connected.
Ignore completely what she says about swearing she has ended the affair. I can tell you im jesus but can I prove it? Actions speak louder than words.
She is the one having/had the affair so to prove to you it is over she is the one who needs to make all the effort to restore your marriage. Complete transparency, access to emails, phone, Skype whatever. No squirming out of any of it. She should be bending over backwards to try and fix the marriage. She should be begging you both go to marriage counselling to help. She should be apologising to you and anyone else who knows and that she realises she made a huge mistake and wants to fix her marriage.

If she is not prepared to do one bit of this then you have your answer.

At that point you should be seriously considering what your boundaries are. e.g what sh1t are you prepared to put up with and for how long
I'm more cynical than most and wasn't prepared to put up with any more sh1t than I already did.
The best piece of advise I got from an old DB member was just to let them go. Step away from all the drama. Your wife wants out of the marriage and another man? let her. You cannot fight against it. For some it has worked and when reality kicks in they come scuttling back.(should you even want them back) for me , my marriage is over but I gained back my balls and self respect and didn't sit around for months while my wife walked all over me and treated me like sh1t.
So I got my ducks in row, legal advice, financial and I left, let her go and moved on with my life. It is by far the best thing I ever did.

Unfortunately my friend your story is nothing new or out of the norm, you will see it hundreds of times over on these boards.

[HurtHus]

We are both 36. I use the term MLC carefully, but she really seems to be hitting the criteria pretty well. She is hitting the gym with a renewed intensity, getting braces, got her first tattoo, is distancing herself from old friends and making a whole new circle of friends. It's almost as if she were trying to reinvent herself. After a few calls and talking to my wife my DB coach said she's a combo of WAW and MLC that led to the affair. I see now I'm using the wrong abbreviation since she was in a PA with the OM.

She is being totally transparent, but texts can be deleted before she comes home from work, but she is also calling me throughout the day at lunch and other points of the day to "check-in" so I know she isn't out meeting the OM. It is a really confusing time for me because some of what she is doing suggests she is serious about ending the affair and working on us, but other behavior (not following through on our "homework" or being open to discuss what we are supposed to be discussing) leads me to believe she isn't really in this. And therein lies the challenge for DBing this. I'm not certain what approach to take aside from improving myself and detaching. I'm working on GALing, but until I find a new job (I was laid off in June) it is sort of tough to do much financially.

[Starsky309]

I'm working on GALing, but until I find a new job (I was laid off in June) it is sort of tough to do much financially.

Whoa. Security is HUGE for a woman, and I suspect she's holding back a little with you because she doesn't feel safe financially.

Best thing you could do for your marriage and for your chances at reconciliation would be to land a good new job.

Also, your wife's FEELINGS are going to take awhile -- perhaps a good, long while (6 mos - 2 years) to return. It's her ACTIONS (transparency, going to counseling, etc.) and her DECISION to end her affair and work on your marriage that you want to focus on. Give her wide berth in expecting all of her feelings for you to come flooding back. They won't, not for awhile. And that's IF you had a job.


Starsky

[Ontheup]

Hmm ok

So I presume you're doing everything possible to get a job? E.g you're not just sat on your arse. I believe for richer for poorer is what we sign up to in marriage so again you losing your job is no excuse for her.

She does seem be transparent but then it doesn't appear she is putting the full effort in to fix what she has broken! Again yiu need to think about whether and for how long you are willing to put up with this. Only you can answer that.

Tread carefully cheaters are very adept at lying and gas lighting.

If my wife really wanted it to work and was determined to resolve the marriage I would want to see her, not hear her doing everything possible to do so.
E.g if our councillor had asked us to do something as a couple as this will help fix the marriage then I'd be concerned if she wasn't doing as much as you.

[HurtHus]

I just landed a new job and had been taking time with the kids for a few months at my wife's suggestion since I have never been without a job my entire adult life and rarely am able to take more than a few days off at a time. While unemployed I built us a new deck and made many repairs to the house.

That's the rub Ontheup. She seems to be doing one thing, but then drops the ball.

[HurtHus]

Sorry I tried to post before putting the kids to bed. I had a job up until the end of June. When I lost my job as I usually do I began immediately to start looking. My wife suggested I apply for unemployment and take some time looking over the summer so I could relax and do things with our kids. I took them away for a week, went to my parents to help my dad after back surgery for another week, built a deck myself, and did several other home improvement projects. She has commented on how much calmer I have been lately. It also helps that I maxed out what unemployment pays and am still making a decent income. I have however not been sitting on my arse.

My struggle is figuring out if this is truly a MLC or just a WW (love the term Sandi!). She seems transparent, but cheaters are good at hiding things. How do I know for certain she has ended it? I guess I don't. I have to rely on what I see. I have her PW and haven't seen anything (though she can delete iMessages and text messages without me even knowing about them). She is calling and texting me again throughout the day. I think she is trying to check-in with me so I know what she is doing and where she is throughout the day (like when she goes to lunch and what store she goes to). She lets me know when she gets to the gym and when she is coming home from the gym and when she gets to work and when she is coming home. These are things we both used to do just out of habit and to let the other know we got places and such. She stopped doing that when the A started.

If this is truly an MLC I have to be more patient about what I expect her to do to fix the M because she needs to fix herself first. IF it isn't an MLC then I need to set clear expectations and boundaries and really stick to them in a tough love fashion. Hopefully I can get a little help tomorrow from my DB coach.

Today she has seemed really interested in how my day was going and when she heard about my job she was excited, but also a little bummed that I wouldn't be able to keep doing cool stuff with the kids. She even suggested we all go to dinner to celebrate. So confused. I feel like I am having an MLC just trying to figure out what way is up.

[CaliGuy]

HH .. try to stick to one thread ... hard to keep up with all 3 you have going on

[HurtHus]

Maybe I'll link them all in the Newcomers thread. I just didn't know where to go in terms of resources. the MLC thread resources have been great so far.

[job]

If you think you are getting more out of the MLC Forum, then link it there.