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Hey all, well as of today the D is done, so I'm moving my tale to this forum smile My lengthy sitch is journaled in my threads, here's a link to all of them:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&view=started&id=31339

As far as the D goes, XW and I worked out the settlement without involving lawyers. In my opinion the settlement was tilted in XW's favor, but involving L's would have cost a bundle and dragged things out indefinitely. I think the toll to my health and well-being was not worth saving some $$ on the settlement, so I agreed to it. Our court date was this morning and we were in and out in less than an hour. W's L walked us through some questions for the judge's sake and basically he just looked up, said he was granting the D, and that was that.

Now that the D is over, I can disclose something that I couldn't before- the reason I started pushing XW for the D is because I was offered a partnership deal at work. Both my partners did not want to sign until the D was on the books though, because they had concerns that XW might come after the business. Legally I don't think she could since we had already been separated over a year, but better safe than sorry. The ownership deal will be made official tomorrow. It's exciting and a little scary at the same time. But mostly exciting smile

Regarding my emotions, well I honestly slept like a baby last night, the impending D really didn't affect my PMA. Today I'm also feeling fine, there are some emotions kind of running in the background, if I had to name them I'd say it feels like shock and maybe some disappointment, but nothing serious. Overall I'm feeling good smile


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Congrats on your partnership deal at work!
Good to hear that you're feeling well over all in the aftermath.

I really related to this from one of your final posts in your last thread
Quote:

I like to be in control of my life and I feel like ever since BD I've just been along for the ride, at the whim of my W. I mean I did GAL and I did work on myself, but regarding the M I was just a passenger. I feel like after tomorrow I will be back in control of my own destiny whatever that may be...


I like to be (or at least feel like I am) in control too... so when I am finally "freed" I think I will feel the same.

All the best to you on your new journey!!!


me: 30 H:30
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Congrats on the partnership! For every door that closes, another opens!

I agree with Mimi on that quote....I felt the same. Certainly not what I wanted, but I will make the best of it!


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You rock, AS. So incredibly proud of the journey you've been on, and of almost anyone I've ready, you deserve the new chance at life you've been given.

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God bless you, AS. You've really been a light to this community. smile

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You sound in a good place & have a very bright future, make sure you continue to share your DB experiences & knowledge with us over in newcomers smile

Good luck with your future.


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Congrats on the partnership deal! That is fantastic and glad you slept well last night:)



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
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"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Thank you all for the kind words smile

Originally Posted By: Mimi00
I really related to this from one of your final posts in your last thread


It's a tough choice because standing does mean relinquishing control of the M. We take control of our lives through DB'ing, but if we choose to stand then we have to give up at least that much control and turn it over to our WAS. But it's a difficult thing just NOT KNOWING what the destiny of your M is. If the partnership deal hadn't come up, I wouldn't have pushed W for the D paperwork. But it did, and now that the D is over I do feel relief and I am glad it's done.

Originally Posted By: Breakdown

I agree with Mimi on that quote....I felt the same. Certainly not what I wanted, but I will make the best of it!


Right, my feelings exactly. Even though I nudged W to complete it, if she had EVER expressed interest in stopping the process then I would have agreed.

Originally Posted By: JonF
You rock, AS. So incredibly proud of the journey you've been on, and of almost anyone I've ready, you deserve the new chance at life you've been given.


Thanks Jon, sometimes I wonder if it's too much change in too short an amount of time, but after years of living life on autopilot it's time to shake it up a little wink

Originally Posted By: unbidden
God bless you, AS. You've really been a light to this community. smile


Thank you!

Originally Posted By: Upwards
You sound in a good place & have a very bright future, make sure you continue to share your DB experiences & knowledge with us over in newcomers smile


Thanks, I absolutely plan on doing that!

Originally Posted By: Georgiabelle
Congrats on the partnership deal! That is fantastic and glad you slept well last night:)


Thank you, I slept like a rock last night too smile Met my partners for dinner and then we went to a Mavericks game. Got home just as D17 was getting home from work and she talked me into taking her to the store for ice cream. So I got to bed late and I don't think I moved a finger until the alarm went off this morning! I kind of use sleep as a barometer of what my stress and anxiety levels are, I had a lot of trouble with sleep the first few months after BD. But I've been sleeping like a baby for over a year with just a hiccup here and there when something troublesome happened with W.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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How long did the whole process take? Once you decided on D? If you did not agree on everything how long would it have taken?


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AS,

Welcome to Surviving. Maybe some day they'll change the forum heading to Thriving after Divorce.

Anyway, I can relate to the quickness of the D process in court. Comparing it to the wedding day, it sure seemed like a pathetic end to all the time we shared and the children we produced, and all the experiences and growth that took place. I remember just feeling empty and raw. That lasted about a day. And I'm being serious about it. The following day, I woke up resolved to move forward to creating a better place and space for myself.

As far as the real reason goes, I'm pretty sure that if your XW had given you the effort you deserved into creating the marriage that you wanted, you wouldn't have had to make that choice. So... congratulations for having a green light and taking advantage of the process. Hell, you had to have *something* swing in your favor, right?

Now go get 'em!

Good luck-
Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

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AS,

I do miss Blue Bell ice cream down in the South...the best packaged homemade ice cream in the US!

Now that you're officially D, we all now can bring in our Scotch and amaretto to your house without having to climb in the back windows.

When you get the chance, please do swing by my detention center, The Breakfast Club. You'd be glad, for once, to be locked in a room with us. grin

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I am sorry to here it ended this way, but glad that the D process went smoothly and that you got the partnership. Best of luck.


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Good grief, I can't believe it's been 2 weeks since I posted! Time is zipping by! Everything is great, as each day goes by I actually feel even more excited to be leaving my M behind! Even though I was the LBS I suspect that I feel more free than my XW, I really feel liberated! It's awesome! smile I'm in the process of getting the loan squared away to compensate XW for the D settlement (half the house, etc.) I got a killer deal on a 15 year loan- 3.875%. If I pay half of each payment early (basically pay half the payment twice a month instead of the whole thing once a month) and make one extra payment a year it'll be paid off in 7-9 years, so that's what I'm shooting for. I've been pretty busy but I've been carving out time to do fun stuff too, like Saturday I rode my Harley to go see a bike show with a live band, it was a blast! Rode back with 7 other Harleys, they MADE me drive fast wink

Originally Posted By: 7720
How long did the whole process take? Once you decided on D? If you did not agree on everything how long would it have taken?


Well there's a 60 day "cooling off" period in Texas, my XW filed the petition last August and had her L draw up the decree, but then she sat on it for months. I finally requested the decree and we sat down and went over it and marked it up. If she hadn't backpeddled, the D could have been completed in about 2 more weeks. Because of the backpeddling it was delayed again while she kept trying to add more money in (for her) while I tried to reason with her (I'm so silly, thinking I can reason with a WAS! Have I learned nothing? wink ) Anyway, once I agreed to her inflated numbers it took the L about two weeks to modify the decree and then just a few more days for the court date. So it's conceivable that a D could happen in just a little over 2 months between filing the petition and finishing up in court, but I've talked to a lot of divorced people and it seems like delays always pop up. Some other states have longer cooling off periods, I think the longest is 1 year.

Originally Posted By: Underdog
Welcome to Surviving. Maybe some day they'll change the forum heading to Thriving after Divorce.


Betsey, that's awesome, I love it smile

Quote:
Comparing it to the wedding day, it sure seemed like a pathetic end to all the time we shared and the children we produced, and all the experiences and growth that took place.


Exactly, it pretty much ends in a whimper, doesn't it? It starts surrounded by well-wishing loved ones partying and enjoying themselves and ends in a cold, outdated courtroom with a grey-haired judge staring down and a room full of bored onlookers listening in.

Quote:
As far as the real reason goes, I'm pretty sure that if your XW had given you the effort you deserved into creating the marriage that you wanted, you wouldn't have had to make that choice. So... congratulations for having a green light and taking advantage of the process. Hell, you had to have *something* swing in your favor, right?


Thank you! I'm sure if she had made the choice to try, we'd still be together now. But I will never forget her refrain from BD through D- "I just don't want to try." Hard to combat apathy!

Originally Posted By: Wonka

I do miss Blue Bell ice cream down in the South...the best packaged homemade ice cream in the US!


Now I want to go to the store smile I haven't had any in a while!

Quote:
Now that you're officially D, we all now can bring in our Scotch and amaretto to your house without having to climb in the back windows.


ROTFLOL! Forget the house, let's take it out to the pool! I'll fire up the margarita machine too!

Quote:
When you get the chance, please do swing by my detention center, The Breakfast Club. You'd be glad, for once, to be locked in a room with us. grin


Awesome, I'll do that!

Originally Posted By: RockJC
I am sorry to here it ended this way, but glad that the D process went smoothly and that you got the partnership. Best of luck.


Thank you! The partnership has really kept me hopping! It's a good kind of busy though!

Originally Posted By: gabbysmom23
Good luck with your partnership.

Sounds like good things are ahead.


Thanks, so far so good... no make that GREAT smile


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

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AS, you sound great! I am still at that teetering place...

No doubt you can't make this stuff up....

Maybe one day in my time I will know...something??

Thank you for always sharing.
wbw


M48 H50
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S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old
PA confirmed 7/2012
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Originally Posted By: willbwell
AS, you sound great! I am still at that teetering place...


Thank you, and don't worry about where you are, you will be in a really great place again some time. We're each on our own timeline but we get there sooner or later when we put the DB'ing work in smile

Quote:
Maybe one day in my time I will know...something??


The only thing you need to know is that YOU are a GREAT person and your WAS's mess has more to do with him than you. Find yourself and leave him to it. THAT is the path to finding your happiness and contentment again smile


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Had an interesting convo with my sister last night. My sister was good friends with XW and apparently XW confided some things in my sister that my sister didn't want to tell me, but I guess she figured since we're divorced now it doesn't matter. One was that XW was indeed having an affair with OM. I assumed it was happening all along, but never had any proof of it. XW kept saying they were just friends. I didn't believe her, but I kept that to myself. It's not really a surprise. Another thing, throughout separation W never was at peace about leaving me and talked to my sister a lot about it. She said it was really eating her up, and she's convinced that she "gave herself cancer" (in her words). She's probably right, XW has ALWAYS kept everything bottled up inside, she's like a powderkeg looking for a match. What else, oh, OM is a smoker, that was news to me. XW has always despised people who smoke and drink a lot of beer (OM does both), but hey, the OP is always a step down and she's not the first WAS to lower her standards, LOL! My sis hasn't talked to XW since the D, but leading up to the D XW still expressed confusion over what to do. I'm sure that if I hadn't pushed for D it would still be in limbo. Anyway, it doesn't change anything for me but it was an interesting convo!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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I've been following your thread...you are in such a good place. You sound sooo much like my WAS...except you were the LBS. How do you do it? Its been 3 years since D was final and he came out with OW (not sure how long before D he was with her). Anyway, tell me where the on/off switch is. I am in such a better place now and have done all the work on GAL and PMA and worked on myself. I have a new amazing life 1000 miles away from X. It's gotten easier but there is still than pang in my heart when he's talked to my D or S. I have NC with him. Have you started dating? Has your X encouraged you to date? Everyone says that finding another relationship (not necessarily a rebound) but just companionship and friendship helps. When you found out the convo with your sister how was your sister about it? That's a lot to hold back from you until recently. Just trying to pile through my own muck it's nice to see someone move forward so fast.


M: 49 H: 49
S23 D24 (disabled from car accident 6 yrs ago)
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AS,

You still inspire me, Buddy! It always seems like our paths and circumstances are so very similar. It gives me a lot of hope, that maybe one day, I will be in such a great place. Glad to hear you are doing well!


Me:46 Her:38
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Her S: 8


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AS - I so want to buy you a drink sometime. I hope I can find my way to your neck of the woods some time...

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Originally Posted By: Live4myDay
You sound sooo much like my WAS...except you were the LBS. How do you do it?


Well, as time went on (after BD) I started remembering that I wasn't really happy in the M either, I was just gutting it out because I thought it was the right thing to do for the kids and for God. We were great co-parents, but a lousy married couple. We had a consistent sex life, but beyond that we offered very little to each other. We both quit working at the M. I was totally willing to give it another shot but she wasn't and that's OK. We both have good jobs and can provide for ourselves and the kids, so we didn't experience financial hardships like a lot of people going through this do. S and D all went pretty smoothly and that's made it easier to accept. My XW is a great mother and a good person, she wanted out and I respect that now. I don't think I did early on (well, I know I didn't) but I'm at peace with it now.

Quote:
Its been 3 years since D was final and he came out with OW (not sure how long before D he was with her). Anyway, tell me where the on/off switch is.


It's on the back of his head, you activate it using a baseball bat. LOL! No don't do that I'm just kidding laugh

Quote:
I am in such a better place now and have done all the work on GAL and PMA and worked on myself. I have a new amazing life 1000 miles away from X. It's gotten easier but there is still than pang in my heart when he's talked to my D or S.


I still experience that now and then too, especially if XW is at my house or I'm at hers and all the kids are around (which is very rare these days). It's a reminder of what once was and I do miss that. There's no ill feelings though, it's more, what's the word.... nostalgic I guess.

Quote:
Have you started dating?


Yes, about a year ago so well before the D. I've been clear up front that I'm not looking to rush into anything, but that has worked out well because most of the women I've seen feel the same way. I only had one R that got semi-serious, but she got busy with her business and it kind of petered out.

Quote:
Has your X encouraged you to date?


It's hard for me to imagine her ever being comfortable enough around me to talk about dating, she's still very much a closed book when it comes to communication. We discuss things related to the kids but that's about it.

Quote:
When you found out the convo with your sister how was your sister about it?


My sis is over 10 years younger, so we weren't very close growing up. I think she was 6 when I started college, and after college I moved to another city, so we just never really bonded. I think she was actually closer to XW than me! So the convo was just kind of informational if that makes sense, no emotions around it.

Originally Posted By: suckerpunch

You still inspire me, Buddy! It always seems like our paths and circumstances are so very similar. It gives me a lot of hope, that maybe one day, I will be in such a great place. Glad to hear you are doing well!


Thank you! You've grown a LOT since the start of your sitch, you'll get here, maybe not as fast but it's not a race, we're all on our own timelines smile

Originally Posted By: JonF
AS - I so want to buy you a drink sometime. I hope I can find my way to your neck of the woods some time...


You bet, or just come hang by the pool and I'll get the margarita machine out laugh


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Ground control to Major Tom.

-PM


M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
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Hello all! I used to be really active here but as my marriage crumbled I eventually needed time away to let my marriage go and adjust to my "new normal". BD was a little over 4 years ago, my ex moved out about 6 months after that and the divorce was about 2 years after that (1-1/2 years ago). My ex bought a house just a few miles from me and we've worked together to co-parent our 3 kids ever since. All 3 kids were still at home when she left, but our oldest is set to graduate college this year, the middle girl is starting college so we only have 50-50 custody of the youngest at this point. I started dating before we divorced but found it very difficult to get more serious than casual dating. It's not that I miss my ex, it's just that I've gotten so used to being independent that it's tough to bring someone into the mix. But, it is quite overwhelming trying to take care of a big house and bigger yard by myself while maintaining a full time job and trying to be a good dad, etc. I have to admit I'm still struggling a little financially too, after 20 years of dual income it's been a very difficult transition to cut back on my lifestyle! Anyway back on the dating thing, I have been seeing someone for over a year now. We decided to make it exclusive about 8 months ago. She is much younger than me but gets along well with my kids. She is very sweet and quite attractive. We have a lot of shared interests, things like dabbling in art, a love for motorcycles, going to waterparks and Six Flags, etc. etc. It reminds me a lot of when I started dating my ex so long ago. She's been spending a lot of time at my house lately which is starting to wear on my nerves, LOL! She's very helpful, keeps the place really clean (I tell her not to but she insists that she loves doing that stuff), but it's just stressful having someone around all the time again, it's a big adjustment.

My ex and I get along fine, we never really argued much when we were married and have had no blow-ups or anything since BD either. Interestingly once she found out about my girlfriend she has opened up to me about her dating experiences. There was an OP back during BD and D but that fizzled and now she's trying online dating. She has never once made even the slightest hint of reconciliation, once she was done she was well and truly done!

Anyway, just wanted to pop in and say hello, it's been far too long! I will try and maintain some contact here, this place didn't save my marriage but it absolutely saved me smile


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
She has never once made even the slightest hint of reconciliation, once she was done she was well and truly done!

Welcome back, we were wondering about you.

What makes you think that your Ex-W 's crisis is over?


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Hey AS! So good to hear from you! I think most of us were financially wrecked by our divorces. You know, you plan a whole life including retirement with the person you believe you will spend the rest of your life with, then wind up bombed emotionally and financially with 50% of your stuff and 25% of your heart. But you sound so good; it's great to hear. My ex and I get along much better now that we're divorced. How are your kids doing?

Nothing wrong with taking your new relationship slowly, I have found I have a lot of unexpected triggers left over from 38 years of marriage LOL.

Thanks for dropping by to say hi!! We've all been wondering how you are, especially PM.

Originally Posted By: AS
Anyway, just wanted to pop in and say hello, it's been far too long! I will try and maintain some contact here, this place didn't save my marriage but it absolutely saved me
Ditto!!


Linda

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I don't know whether to hug your neck or shake you for leaving unexpectedly. (JK) I wondered about you, and glad to hear from you again.

Quote:
She's been spending a lot of time at my house lately which is starting to wear on my nerves, LOL! She's very helpful, keeps the place really clean (I tell her not to but she insists that she loves doing that stuff), but it's just stressful having someone around all the time again, it's a big adjustment.


Oh AS........don't you realize that's what women do when they are trying to snag a H?

It sounds as if you may have become settled in your new ways. grin I cannot imagine what an adjustment it would me for me!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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So good to hear from you old friends!

Originally Posted By: Cadet

Welcome back, we were wondering about you.

What makes you think that your Ex-W 's crisis is over?


Thank you, good to see you're still here and still helping others smile I really have no idea if her crisis is over. She's actually been through a few crises, it's hard to tell where one ends and another begins, LOL! But she seems happy and positive, so I am glad for her. She's been through a lot the last few years.

Originally Posted By: RosaLinda
Hey AS! So good to hear from you! I think most of us were financially wrecked by our divorces. You know, you plan a whole life including retirement with the person you believe you will spend the rest of your life with, then wind up bombed emotionally and financially with 50% of your stuff and 25% of your heart. But you sound so good; it's great to hear. My ex and I get along much better now that we're divorced. How are your kids doing?


Hi Rosa, so good to see you're still here too! Yes, my seemingly solid plans for retiring by 60 are certainly shot to pieces, LOL! But I'm thankful that I still have my job and home and will just meet the future with a smiling face smile I've really learned from all of this that I don't have the control over my life I thought I did. So I'm just thankful for what I have and keep motoring on!

Originally Posted By: sandi2
I don't know whether to hug your neck or shake you for leaving unexpectedly. (JK) I wondered about you, and glad to hear from you again.


Well if you're offering me a choice I choose the hug, hahaha! I was glad to see you're still posting a lot in Newcomers and sharing your wisdom, your rules were indispensable in helping me get through my sitch and I've found myself quoting them to friends and family when they have their own relationship issues. Not to mention using them myself on a continual basis!

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Oh AS........don't you realize that's what women do when they are trying to snag a H?


I think that's part of what makes me feel so uncomfortable about having her around so much! Just the word marriage sends a little cold shiver up my spine! I know that's bad, but just being honest!

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It sounds as if you may have become settled in your new ways. grin I cannot imagine what an adjustment it would me for me!


I really have, I'm used to doing my own thing and having the house to myself every other week. I tinker with my motorcycles, work on art projects, build car models here and there, fly my R/C planes, hit the gym. At first I did it to GAL, but it has become my life now. And now there's this new person in there pulling me away from those things I've come to enjoy! It's really kind of ironic, that I had to GAL to replace the lost relationship but now I'm hesitant to replace my GAL stuff with a new relationship. I was helping her with her business and missed a week's worth of workouts and found myself really resentful over it. Ugh! So much to work on still smile


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Hey AS,

Here's a cold beer coming up at ya....

Cheers to the good life. Keep on truckin'. Yeah, Sandi is on point about women cleaning spaces....yep that's one "tell" they give out every dang single time regarding their intentions. smile

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You should never have to replace your GAL for a relationship! It's not one or the other! Compromise and balance!

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Oops, I can't edit my first post but I was a little surprised to read my own timeline and see BD was 3 years ago, not 4. Wow it sure seems longer than 3 years smile I was thinking it was on my 50th birthday but it must have been 51st.

Wonka, many thanks, a cold beer is always a welcome sight laugh Uuuuuuugh you ladies are scarin' me, I may tell her no more cleaning, LOL!

Ginger, you are absolutely right! I've been trying to balance it, we were working on a project together (for her business) that ate up way more of my free time than I thought it would but it's done so hopefully I can get back to striking a better balance smile

I mentioned this in one of the Newcomers thread but a friend of mine that I have worked with for many years just got engaged. To his ex, they divorced 6+ years ago. They are much happier and more in love now than ever before. I don't know the details of their split, I'll have to ask him about it sometime when we're not doing work stuff. Every once in a while I hear something like this and it just goes to show that you never know what may happen. I would be shocked if my ex ever showed interest in me again, but clearly it can happen even after 3 years. I kind of hope she doesn't because it would turn my life upside down all over again! I really don't know what I would do.


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You know I am going to challenge you on this one......

If your ex showed interest, how would that turn your life upside down?

If mine showed interest I'd die laughing on the floor then say " over my dead body". Then carry on as is.

Not there yet?

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Because the dot button does not work for me even after one second, I just read what I wrote. I said I'd die laughing then say over my dead body. I take that back. I would not die because then I'd have to take him back over my dead body.

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I truly apologize, I thought I thoroughly read your post, but I was also making dinner, doing laundry and dealing with 7 year old driving me nuts. I'm not as good of a muti-tasker as I thought I was.

Your woman sounds pretty serious about you. But if the thought of your ex showing interest would make your life turn upside down, you might not be as serious??? I'm not going to tell you shouldn't be in a relationship then. I'm not like that. But this may get messy if you still don't know what you would do if your wife shows interest.

This young lady most likely wants kids and a husband. Might want to have that talk with her.

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AS, I like to see success stories of people whole and happy after these wreckages.

Echoing Ginger up above, maybe you and girl already understand these things if you went 'exclusive' but my past is filled with regrets of a serious R before STBX, where 'maybe' was a big thing in my head, and really meant he wanted to keep me around for two years and hoped he'd be inspired to want to settle down, maybe. And then STBX, who 'didn't know' about M, and once engaged, pro family, (except when he was on the fence about it) and decidedly leaning toward no family after D. I take responsibility in chasing both of these men hoping they'd come around. But a woman's reproductive years are precious, not to be wasted if she thinks she may have an interest in settling down. Don't let her think she can change your mind if she can't.

I do apologize if I am assuming too much here.


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Hey AS, I’ve been wondering about you lately. It is amazing how things happen. I was looking to RosaLinda’s thread and came across yours, because she posted to you.

I assume that your X recovered from that horrible disease just fine. I agree with Cadet, considering all that happened in the last three years, you just don’t know if the crisis is over.

One thing I wanted to ask you, if I may… Your much younger GF… does she have kids? Will she want kids in the future, if she is serious about the R? What do you think about this? If you don’t want to answer, I’m ok with that. It is just a thought that came across when I was reading your update.


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AnotherStander,

I'm not sure if you will ever see this post, but just wanted to say I read your old threads and learned a lot. Our situations have a lot of similarities so appreciate what you had to share.

*M died slowly of neglect (no big issues)
*W still in love, still wants sex, but can't stay M
*180s were to be more attentive to W
*At the beginning you thought there was no OM, but at the end, you learned there was; if you had known earlier, would it have changed anything?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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HELLLOOOOOOOO EVERYONE! I haven't been here in years, but I do think about y'all often :-) My birthday is this Friday and it will be the 6 year mark from BD and about 4 years post-divorce. My ex lives about 5 miles away and we get along just fine, I think our interactions could best be described as "friendly neighbors" in DB parlance. Sometimes we go out to dinner with the kids, and I've helped her with some projects around the house. Two of our three kids have reached adulthood and moved out since BD, the 3rd is still at home going back and forth weekly.

My ex never did drop even the smallest hint that she might want to reconcile, I DB'd my little heart out and in the end it saved me but wasn't enough to turn my WAS's heart. We never did have a deep discussion about her leaving, to this day I don't know why it happened and have accepted that I never will. Frankly I don't think she knows either. She really fit all the DB descriptions of a WAS as far as being confused and in turmoil, crying every day and such (I mean after BD, I don't think she's like that anymore) but she seems content in her life apart. In a lot of ways our marriage seems like a foggy dream, it seems almost like a movie I watched rather than my life. It's strange, I don't know how to describe it really. I still care about her but more like I do a relative rather than a best friend, lover and life mate.

So for those that recall my foray into getting back in shape, last year my home town gym suddenly closed doors! I started doing Crossfit and have a whole new family there now :-) I had no idea how bad my cardio was until I started there! Man it has been a tough road trying to get up to speed, but I'm in great shape now. I competed in the Crossfit Open at the end of last year and did pretty well in the Masters Division. I finally got tired of being a little soft around the middle and did a hard cut for about 4 months. I dropped 15 pounds and got down to around 12% bodyfat, probably the lowest since I was a kid. That was several months ago and I'm still keeping it off, mainly through some permanent changes I made in my eating habits.

I've been seeing someone for around 3 year now. She's much, much younger than me. I started out trying to date women my age, but just could not seem to get any to go out, they just wanted to text forever. Anyway we get along well and enjoy doing stuff together. We have a lot of the same interests. She's sweet, very attractive and a lot of fun, and seems to worship the ground I walk on, LOL! She's great but I just cannot see myself ever getting married again, my breakup really messed up my views on marriage. I've discussed it with her and she says she understands and wants to stay together. Maybe I'll change my views on that some day.

Anyway just wanted to pop in and say "hello"! I'll poke around some of the threads and look for familiar names :-)


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Oh I see I was on the wrong thread.

Yup - time flies when you are having fun.

Thanks for the update, glad you are doing well.


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Originally Posted By: Cadet
Oh I see I was on the wrong thread.

Yup - time flies when you are having fun.

Thanks for the update, glad you are doing well.


I couldn't find my old thread here so started a new one. That's a sure sign I was away too long, LOL! I'm being purged! Help me, I'm melllltttinggggggg laugh


All three of your threads have been merged into one.

Last edited by job; 06/13/17 07:14 AM. Reason: Merged threads

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Thank you Job for merging the threads!! I thought they were gone, couldn't find them anywhere :-) Now I see there are a bunch of posts I missed dating back to 2015, I will now work on replying to them :-) Thanks again!


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You have to change your display options in the bottom left hand corner to all dates and then hit change in order to see postings that are further back then the current ones that are displayed for all to read.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted By: job
You have to change your display options in the bottom left hand corner to all dates and then hit change in order to see postings that are further back then the current ones that are displayed for all to read.

OR

Click on your name - Posts - Topics


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Now that Job has combined my old threads I see I missed some responses going back to 2015, oops!! Thank you so much for the replies and my apologies for taking so long to respond!

Originally Posted By: Ginger1
Because the dot button does not work for me even after one second, I just read what I wrote. I said I'd die laughing then say over my dead body. I take that back. I would not die because then I'd have to take him back over my dead body.


Hahaha! Well I'm not sure my reaction to XW would be THAT extreme, but maybe it would smile

Originally Posted By: Ginger1

Your woman sounds pretty serious about you. But if the thought of your ex showing interest would make your life turn upside down, you might not be as serious???


Well it's been almost 2 years since you posted that, I'm still dating the same young lady. The thing is, I just cannot seem to fully invest my heart into her. Unfortunately she has the same problem, probably because of a previous R she was in that was physically and emotionally abusive. So we kind of hold each other at arm's length. We get along fine and enjoy doing stuff together, but I don't think it'll ever progress beyond that. We've talked about it at length and she knows M isn't in the future, and she says she's OK with it. I've made it clear to her that if more kids (she has a D) and M is something she wants then she needs to pursue that with someone else, but she says it's not that important to her. Still, I do feel like I'm interfering with her future in that regard, it weighs on me a lot.

Originally Posted By: Zelda09

But a woman's reproductive years are precious, not to be wasted if she thinks she may have an interest in settling down. Don't let her think she can change your mind if she can't.

I do apologize if I am assuming too much here.


Not at all, I appreciate the feedback! And I completely agree with you. I've thought about breaking up with her just to "release" her to pursue that, even though she says it's not important to her I still wonder if maybe she just says that to stay together, and is secretly hoping I'll change my mind.

Originally Posted By: BrightFuture

I assume that your X recovered from that horrible disease just fine. I agree with Cadet, considering all that happened in the last three years, you just don’t know if the crisis is over.


She survived the breast cancer, but she has been plagued with other health issues since then. As a result of the treatments she ended up with lymphedema, and has to wear a sleeve at all times, even while sleeping to prevent swelling. She also has rheumatoid arthritis now which has caused difficulties walking and such. That said, she is doing well and seems content and happy. She camps out quite a bit with a female friend and gets the kids to go with her sometimes. Our middle daughter mentioned that XW still cries a lot, I assume about her health issues and not about me! I used to ask D about XW more but D got mad because she thought I was prying so I quit asking. I don't know much anymore beyond what XW tells me herself.

Originally Posted By: BrightFuture
One thing I wanted to ask you, if I may… Your much younger GF… does she have kids? Will she want kids in the future, if she is serious about the R? What do you think about this? If you don’t want to answer, I’m ok with that. It is just a thought that came across when I was reading your update.


She has a D, she will be 10 this year. We've had several serious R talks over the years. She would like another kid, and M. I've made it clear that I do not. I also told her that if she wanted to pursue that, that I completely understand and would let her go in peace. She insists those things are not -that- important to her and she wants to stay together. But as I mentioned above, it weighs on me because I feel like maybe I'm interfering with her future plans even though she says I'm not.

Originally Posted By: Gordie
AnotherStander,

I'm not sure if you will ever see this post, but just wanted to say I read your old threads and learned a lot. Our situations have a lot of similarities so appreciate what you had to share.


Well it took me 6 months but I did see it smile Thank you for your kind words!

Originally Posted By: Gordie
*M died slowly of neglect (no big issues)
*W still in love, still wants sex, but can't stay M
*180s were to be more attentive to W
*At the beginning you thought there was no OM, but at the end, you learned there was; if you had known earlier, would it have changed anything?


Yeah does that ever sound familiar! I still don't know when OM came into play, they were friends towards the end of the M and it did turn physical at some point, I think it was after we separated but before D. The M was done at that point anyway. It wouldn't have changed anything I did had it gone physical earlier. I still would have fought to get her back (even when fighting means giving time and space). I missed my old life so badly! But the old gave way to something new and different. I remade myself. I found a "new normal". And DB'ing and DB'ers helped me a lot. At first I did it to save my M. Then I did it to save me. And it did! I still do love XW, but not in any romantic way. I can identify with ILYBINILWY now, I get what it means.


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Originally Posted By: job
You have to change your display options in the bottom left hand corner to all dates and then hit change in order to see postings that are further back then the current ones that are displayed for all to read.


Originally Posted By: Cadet

OR

Click on your name - Posts - Topics


Awesome, thank you both smile


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Well thank you for responding to my old posts! I'm glad to hear you guys are still together and what you have is working for you. It is very hard to open yourself up after divorce. I haven't lost my ability to do it, but I kind of wish I had sometimes......

To address your post to me, yes, FF stands for Firefighter. He is not my ex husband. We began dating in February and broke up in March. We also have an age disparity, him 27 and me 37. We cared for eachother very much and when things got serious, he looked ot the future and realized that kids are a must have for him. I had already mourned I wouldn't have any more kids. I opened up to it with him. However, by the time he is ready I will really be too old. It hurt like heck, but even if he came back tomorrow, I wouldn't take him back, not because I don't want ot be with him, because I want him to have those children and live that life he dreams of. He is working hard towards it, and being a stepdad (although he was very good with my D9) and being with an established woman who can't give him children in the way he wants, I would never want to compromise his chance to go find that.

This dating post D is tough. I hope to find a guy eventually who is where I am in life and wants to be a true partner.

So I keep my GAL, I am big into exercising (I met him in a small group fitness gym, actually, his sister was our instructor), I have signed up for a volleyball league, I enjoy times with friends and D9.

Congrats on your fitness goals! I am pretty in shape, but I like food and I like beer and I am not willing to give those up, so I got meat on my bones, lol. But it feels good for me mentally and physically to be active.

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I meant we broke up in may, not march!

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Quick update, I'm starting to wonder if XW is maybe pursuing a little bit. She's been texting and calling a lot recently. Our daughters came in town for my bday last weekend (my bday was a couple of weeks ago, but this is the soonest they could visit) and W invited me over to her house for cake and presents with the kids. Then W took us out to dinner, and afterwards we all went to a movie together (D23 paid). There are other things too, she's been telling me where she is and what she's doing and who with after years of not disclosing anything to me. Strangely enough it's happening at a time when GF and I have been futher apart than ever, we haven't seen each other in 3 weeks and are barely texting. Anyway I'm not reading anything into it, it's just kind of making me wonder.


Originally Posted By: Ginger1

To address your post to me, yes, FF stands for Firefighter. He is not my ex husband.


Thanks for the clarification! Sorry it didn't work out with him, but I can understand your concerns. They are similar to mine with GF and I'm struggling with that as well. This relationship stuff just never ever gets easier does it, LOL!

Quote:
So I keep my GAL, I am big into exercising (I met him in a small group fitness gym, actually, his sister was our instructor), I have signed up for a volleyball league, I enjoy times with friends and D9.


That sounds great! I used to LOVE playing volleyball! I haven't in years, but used to play 3 or 4 times a week in several leagues plus practice. Co-ed, 3 man and 2 man beach. Hope you have fun with it smile


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Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Quick update, I'm starting to wonder if XW is maybe pursuing a little bit.


Are you interested in getting back together with your XW?

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Originally Posted By: doodler

Are you interested in getting back together with your XW?


I'm not, I still love her... but I'm not in love with her, LOL!


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Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
I still love her... but I'm not in love with her, LOL!

Yeah they all say that!!! grin


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I had to go back and dig to find this thread, haven't posted to it in almost 2 years! Not much has really changed, I'm still dating the same woman but as time has gone on we see less and less of each other. We text a few times daily but have actually only seen each other 2 or 3 times since Christmas (3 months ago). Not sure if that's "dating" or "friends with benefits" or what, I don't really lose too much sleep over it as I'm perfectly fine living alone these days! Kind of enjoy it actually.

I do still have S16 every other week but he's very independent now. We've been working on teaching him to drive but it really stresses him out (not because of my coaching, he just freaks out about it). My two D's have both moved back to the DFW area, one is living with my XW and the other about 30 miles away but still in the metroplex.

I'm still very active in Crossfit and also joined Anytime Fitness and have added conventional weight training back in. Crossfit has helped my cardio immensely but I've lost muscle mass in 2 years of it.

What precipitated me posting this update is something happened yesterday that caught me completely off-guard. I went over to pick up S16 from XW's house and S16 told XW to show me the pics of one of our dogs. Turns out she had made a bunch of new scrapbook pages (this is a long-time hobby of hers, she makes these really creative, beautiful pages) and one of them had puppy pics of our dog from 7 years ago. So she was thumbing through the scrapbook pages of various kid events (marching band, color guard, etc.), and there were smiling pics of me on nearly every one. Now most were family pics but since our D she has made plenty of scrapbook pages and I have rarely made an appearance on them (she or the kids usually show them to me). But then there was an entire page with nature scenes from one of our vacations and only one picture with people in it- the two of us with our arms around each other. She started to flip to the next page and our son stopped her and pointed at it and said "awwwww!" I was really quite shocked, but managed to casually say "was that in Arkansas?" And she said "yeah it was next to that waterfall but it didn't show up in the picture very well." I'm not saying it means much of anything other than maybe she no longer just remembers the bad times but remembers we had good times too. But still, picturing her actually assembling this page of memories with just nature scenes and a picture of the two of us, no kids, no pets; I can't help but wonder what possessed her to do that.

Just in general XW and I get along really well, there's no awkward tension or anything. We coordinate things with the kids and pets and it all goes very smoothly. Sometimes we'll do things together with the kids, like a random lunch or dinner. We still do joint birthday parties with them. I have no idea if she's dating anyone but I don't think she is.

I have a mini vacation planned with the kids in about a month at Great Wolf Lodge. We went in early December and had so much fun we decided to do it again!


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So great to read an update about your sitch! You're always actively helping others out and it's nice to get a glimpse into what's happening in your life.

One question - did your ex date after the D?

The scrapbook pages is really fascinating. Taken that long to think of happier times together with you. It's so random.


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Hey Maika, I usually pepper bit and pieces about my sitch into the stories I tell in Newcomers, but I really should try and keep this thread a little more current!

So there was an OM who started out as a "friend", XW insisted he was "just a friend" throughout although one time I told her I would drop something off in her mailbox before work (this was after S but before D) and when I did at 6:30 am or so his truck was in the drive. So yeah, something was going on, at least for a while. Just after D she made no secret that she was on some dating sites and there were at least a couple of guys that she saw several times, but I don't think any of them lasted longer than that. That was several years ago and since then there's been no indication that she is seeing anyone, not even the old OM. I never hear her talk about anyone except a female friend of hers that she travels with and camps with now and then.

The scrapbook page is unusual although there has been a general softening of her position ever since D. A very slow and gradual one. She is more like her old self now than I have ever seen her I think. Laughing and joking like she used to pre-BD. For the longest time I didn't think she would ever change back, that menopause or whatever it was had permanently changed her. But that doesn't seem to be the case!


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Hellllllooooo fellow survivors! My life just keeps rolling on and on, where do the months and years go? Not much new to report, I'm still seeing the same lady and we're still getting along well. Our dates had dropped off to once every month or so, we had a discussion about it and have been trying to see each other more often.

XW and I still get along quite well, we see each other about once a week. Last weekend was her birthday, I took her and the kids out to eat and gave her a few presents in the kids' behalf.

I still work for the same place, 18 years now, wow!

Still doing Crossfit although lately I have been feeling my age there more. It's pretty rough on my hips and knees so I joined Anytime Fitness (a while back, I may be repeating myself) and have been doing xfit less and weight training more.

I'm still exploring different artistic endeavors, the latest is I "graduated" from sculpting oven-bake clay and moved over to ceramic clay. I bought a small electric kiln and am very excited about it! Did my first bisque firing last weekend on sculpts I had been working on the last few weeks. All went well. I should be doing a glaze firing later this week. I'm also planning on dabbling in fused glass, I've done it before but now that I have my own kiln it'll be a lot more convenient.

Hope everyone is doing well and taking full advantage of this wild ride we call life smile


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

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Great to read AS. Thanks for the update.


WW H(me): 53
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Hey everyone, just did the first workout for the 2020 Crossfit Open last Friday. This is my 3rd year participating in it and my last year in the 55-59 age bracket, gulp. Even though I don't turn 59 until next year, my birthday puts me on the other side of the bracket so I'll be in 60+. Seeing that just really brought home how close I am to the big 6-0. I don't even feel like I'm in my 50's, it's surreal. I've always been a bit of a fitness nut and eat pretty well, so I'm happy to say I'm approaching 60 with a good, solid, healthy base. I've had no major health problems thus far in my life (knock on wood) and have great mobility and strength for my age. I started cutting weight a couple of months ago and am down to 12% bodyfat. Goal is 10%. Here's to hoping I have many more healthy years ahead!

I mentioned before that I bought a kiln. I've made quite a few small ceramic sculpts and am really enjoying the new hobby! I opened an Etsy shop, haven't sold anything so far but I've learned you get very little traffic on Etsy unless you drive it there from somewhere else (like Instagram). For now I'm just honing my skills, I'll worry about the shop later.

My "anniversary" came and went without notice. It was 4 days ago and I didn't think about it until today.

My loyal Ford Edge had almost 300k miles on it until the perfect storm hit, I was facing 7k in repairs on a car that blue books for 1500! I hated to see it go, loved that car! But it was time. Bought a cool little Honda CRV that gets much better gas mileage. That's probably the biggest "life change" I've had lately!

Things are still going well with my GF. She's been doing more modeling lately and wow, she certainly is a stunner (I mean I thought so anyway but the camera does love her). I mentioned before we were trying to see more of each other and we've worked out a schedule to get together every other week, which doesn't sound like a lot but we're both super busy and that's twice as much as before, so it's an improvement.

Kids are all great, my two D's are still working at their same jobs and S is in his junior year of high school. I've ramped up my efforts to teach him to drive, he's been doing quite well at it!

Hope everyone is doing well!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

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Great to hear from you AS. It is nice to read updates way after the sitches have ended as it'll give a perspective that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. I especially appreciate that you are still here helping newbies out with their sitches. You helped me so much two years ago so the newbies are in good hands :-)


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Originally Posted by lcause
Great to hear from you AS. It is nice to read updates way after the sitches have ended as it'll give a perspective that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. I especially appreciate that you are still here helping newbies out with their sitches. You helped me so much two years ago so the newbies are in good hands :-)


Thank you! It's therapeutic for me to come here and help others, and to post updates on what's happening with me smile

And speaking of updates.... it's been quite a difficult week! My father passed away last Friday. He was 85 and not in the greatest of health, but it was still unexpected. He was found on the floor of his bathroom, apparently he was getting ready to take a shower and had a heart attack. My brother and sister and I were all pretty close with him so it's been difficult. Not BD difficult, but still tough.

And on top of that, my girlfriend of 5 years went on a drunken binge all weekend with some friends and completely blew me off. I messaged her Friday as soon as I found out, and asked her to come by. She said she would, then just quit replying. I didn't hear from her until getting a scrambled message Saturday afternoon. It wasn't even readable. Then she messaged Sunday explaining she had been doing mushrooms (REALLY???) and saying she would come by that night. She did and she was a hot mess. Looked horrible, said she had been up 24 hours, and just kept talking about how she had to leave before falling asleep. So I told her to go, it was fine. I messaged her later thanking her for coming and telling her I hoped she felt better after getting some rest. The following morning for no reason whatsoever she fired off some downright nasty messages to me about how I only want her for sex (which we have about once a month and had NOT had when she came by the night before!), how I am still hung up on my ex (I NEVER talk about her!), how I shouldn't be grieving about my dad because he was a jerk (she never met him!!) and on and on even dragging up stuff from years ago. I absolutely could not believe it, here I am trying to grieve the loss of my dad and get blasted with all of this. I flat-out told her that I was grieving and was not interested in fighting with her but she just kept right on pushing buttons until I finally told her to please leave me alone. Have not messaged again since then (that was Monday morning and it is now Thursday). I think that may be the end of that, we had a fantastic first 3 years together, then a good 1 year, then a not-so-good year. She gets angry, bitter and hateful for no reason as far as I can tell, and then will switch to kind and sweet in an instant. When she's hateful she is REALLY hateful and says horrible things. I just really can't take it anymore. I told her I thought we should break up and that just resulted in more nasty messages from her calling me a quitter and such.

So yeah, two very difficult events within the span of a few days! But thankfully, I am handling it just fine. Not stressing that much, no anxiety, still sleeping fine, still functioning fine at work and home. At the end of the day I've become very independent and self-sufficient since BD so while these losses are difficult, they don't affect my day-to-day life that much. Luckily I have some amazing friends that have been very supportive. Even my ex has been fantastic, helping with funeral arrangements and planning. It's times like this that you find out who really loves you, and those people are keepers for sure.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

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AS,

Man sorry to hear about your dad and how your GF is handling it. I imagine you are doing so well because once we got through what we went through we are now mentally stronger. Sounds like you had a good run and maybe it’s time to move on. Maybe it’s time for you and the ex to be another success story?

Anyways I’m really sorry and I just want to say what a great asset you are here on the board. You have a way of gently giving out great advice.

Take care.

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Hey AS!

So sorry to hear about your dad. I wish you and your family well in this difficult time. It $ucks to hear how your GF is handling things and sounds like she's dealing with some of her own demons and projecting it out on you.

You've pulled me out of the darkness many a time and I just want to thank you for your honesty, compassion, and feedback. Take care and hope you get to spend some time with your family and friends in the next coming days and weeks.

Much love!


No one is coming to save you!

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AS - So sorry to hear about your dad. The loss of a parent is never easy. Sounds like you have some good people to help you through it. Sorry to hear about your gf too. Sounds like she has some problems of her own to work through that have nothing to do with you. Best to let her do that on her own - especially if she is going to be so nasty to you. There is never a good reason for that kind of behaviour.

I second what LH said. You are a huge asset to this board and I am one of the lucky recipients of your valuable advice. You have been a great supporter of mine and I thank you...it has helped more than you know.

Take care of yourself. (((HUGS)))

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So sorry for the loss of your dad.


Me 52, H53
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AS,
Sorry to hear about the double whammy. Do what you gotta do. You are one of the people on here that keep me coming back. Thanks for your input to this community.


H(37) W(35)
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First, I'm so sorry about your dad. I lost my 87 year old mom in September in a similar way, very unexpected, she was in good health for her age.

Second - dump this girlfriend YESTERDAY. I am serious. She has just shown you something about her character that cannot be fixed. I know it's a lot to lose her and your dad in the same week but honestly, she's got something pathologic going on. Plus it sounds from the tenor of her responses that it's entirely possible that she slept with some other guy on her binge weekend.Just block her and lose her number. What kind of girlfriend doesn't show up for you when your parent dies and at least TRY to fake some empathy? She's got a critical flaw and there's no way tto debug that program. Over.Period.

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I’m very sorry to hear about your dad. And I’m sorry to hear your girlfriend was to say the least, not supportive. If I recall, early on she did some disappearing act and was in the hospital for something? She may just have a personality disorder she self medicates

You’ve always seemed like a guy who had his sh!t together, you should be with a woman who at least semi-does

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I'm so sorry AS. Lost my Dad on Memorial Day. I know how tough this is. Agree 100% consider that a bullet dodged. You deserve someone who is present and kind.


M 20+ T25+
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"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
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That this too, was a gift."
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Dear AS

I offer you my deepest sympathies and condolences at the passing of your father.

I’m sorry to hear of the difficulties your gf gave you too.

Thank you for being there for me in my sitch.

With you in sympathy,

DS


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Very sorry AS for your loss. I agree with what the others have said as well about your gf. She needs to go and I wouldn't be shocked if someone else was in the picture.

My sincere condolences.


Married 14, Together 17
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Hey all,

Thank you all for the kind words! Funeral was this past Friday in Houston. My XW had encouraged us to take out a burial policy on dad years ago which we did with part of my grandmother's meager estate. I'm so glad we did because dad left absolutely nothing behind except a house with a reverse mortgage that he owes an astonishing 266k on. We don't think the house is even worth as much as the debt, so we may end up walking away and letting them repossess it. It was already in default because he didn't return a simple form stating it was still his residence. I found the blank form in a stack of 6 months worth of unopened mail. I also found many unpaid bills and some letters from collection agencies. Unbelievable. I can only hope that any of you that lose your parents don't have to go through the pain of losing them and then getting slammed with years of irresponsible behavior on their part that you've got to deal with. Anyway even with the burial policy my brother, sister and I are out of pocket thousands in additional costs. The funeral and grave-side service was quaint but beautifully handled.

Some of you may recall my half-brother who passed away from a drug overdose not too long ago. Dad mentioned that some things had "disappeared" and were probably pawned/sold/traded for drugs by the half-brother. In going through his house we're finding that anything worth more than a few bucks is gone. Dad didn't have many prized possessions- some jewelry, some antique guns, an antique mantel clock, etc. It's all gone. Not that any of it was worth that much, but many of them were things dad had since we were kids and we wanted them to remember him by.

Originally Posted by LH19
I imagine you are doing so well because once we got through what we went through we are now mentally stronger. Sounds like you had a good run and maybe it’s time to move on. Maybe it’s time for you and the ex to be another success story?

Anyways I’m really sorry and I just want to say what a great asset you are here on the board. You have a way of gently giving out great advice.


Thank you LH, I appreciate that! It was a good run and it does seem it has run out. I'm still talking to XGF but there is a lot of resentment on her side (some on my side as well) and a complete lack of empathy regarding what I'm going through. The lack of empathy is something that's always been there but I guess I always downplayed it. Hard to ignore this time though. As for me and my XW, strange as it may sound I have a lot of trouble visualizing a romantic R with her anymore. We're good friends and I'm not sure I want anything more than that.

Originally Posted by Maika
Hey AS!

So sorry to hear about your dad. I wish you and your family well in this difficult time. It $ucks to hear how your GF is handling things and sounds like she's dealing with some of her own demons and projecting it out on you.

You've pulled me out of the darkness many a time and I just want to thank you for your honesty, compassion, and feedback. Take care and hope you get to spend some time with your family and friends in the next coming days and weeks.

Much love!


Thank you Maika, you are too kind smile

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
AS - So sorry to hear about your dad. The loss of a parent is never easy. Sounds like you have some good people to help you through it.


Yes! One is a long-time friend I've known over 30 years who has been very supportive. The other is an artist friend I've known online for years but met for the first time two years ago, and he has been absolutely amazing calling me several times to check on me and talking to me for hours. And of course all of you are fantastic as well!

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Sorry to hear about your gf too. Sounds like she has some problems of her own to work through that have nothing to do with you. Best to let her do that on her own - especially if she is going to be so nasty to you. There is never a good reason for that kind of behaviour.


She has been going through a LOT, mainly with her dad and her daughter (her dad has custody of her daughter, long story). And her business is struggling, and she has trouble paying bills. I have tried to be there and be supportive throughout, but I get really tired of being her whipping boy when she's tired and frustrated. Then when something goes wrong in my life I get zero support from her. I'm seeing all of this a little more clearly now.

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I second what LH said. You are a huge asset to this board and I am one of the lucky recipients of your valuable advice. You have been a great supporter of mine and I thank you...it has helped more than you know.


Thank you, that's really great to hear!

Originally Posted by Dawn70
So sorry for the loss of your dad.


Thank you!

Originally Posted by Twofeet
AS,
Sorry to hear about the double whammy. Do what you gotta do. You are one of the people on here that keep me coming back. Thanks for your input to this community.


Thank you so much! It surprises me to hear comments like this, sometimes it's hard to gauge what impact we're having with our posts. So it's good to hear your comments and the others here.

Originally Posted by kml
First, I'm so sorry about your dad. I lost my 87 year old mom in September in a similar way, very unexpected, she was in good health for her age.


I'm sorry for your loss!

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Second - dump this girlfriend YESTERDAY. I am serious. She has just shown you something about her character that cannot be fixed. I know it's a lot to lose her and your dad in the same week but honestly, she's got something pathologic going on.


She has struggled with mental health issues in the past. Depression, anxiety, etc. At one point I took her to the hospital and sat there all day with her while they did tests and got her on medication. She quit taking it a few months later. So yeah, I've been ignoring red flags for years.

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Plus it sounds from the tenor of her responses that it's entirely possible that she slept with some other guy on her binge weekend.Just block her and lose her number. What kind of girlfriend doesn't show up for you when your parent dies and at least TRY to fake some empathy? She's got a critical flaw and there's no way tto debug that program. Over.Period.


I don't think she did but who knows. She posted pics on IG and FB and it all seems to support what she told me- that it was a bday party for a friend and they did a "onesie bar crawl". It was some kind of local event in Dallas where you wear a onesie and go from bar-to-bar drinking. Whether she slept with someone or not certainly doesn't diminish her complete lack of empathy though. I did break up with her, we're still talking on and off but it's short and terse.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I’m very sorry to hear about your dad. And I’m sorry to hear your girlfriend was to say the least, not supportive. If I recall, early on she did some disappearing act and was in the hospital for something? She may just have a personality disorder she self medicates


Oh wow, I forgot about that story. That was a different GF! I guess I can really pick them, LOL!

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You’ve always seemed like a guy who had his sh!t together, you should be with a woman who at least semi-does


Thank you, I promise I will work on that!

Originally Posted by bttrfly
I'm so sorry AS. Lost my Dad on Memorial Day. I know how tough this is. Agree 100% consider that a bullet dodged. You deserve someone who is present and kind.


Thank you and I'm very sorry to hear about your dad!


Originally Posted by DS9
Dear AS

I offer you my deepest sympathies and condolences at the passing of your father.

I’m sorry to hear of the difficulties your gf gave you too.

Thank you for being there for me in my sitch.

With you in sympathy,

DS


Thank you, I appreciate it!


Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
Very sorry AS for your loss. I agree with what the others have said as well about your gf. She needs to go and I wouldn't be shocked if someone else was in the picture.

My sincere condolences.


Thank you, and there could be someone else. I've suspected it before, and I've asked her (politely) if there is as some things don't add up. She denies, denies, denies. But she has a history of gaslighting so I honestly don't know what to believe and not believe. Which of course is a big problem in a relationship! It's one of the reasons I've kind of kept her at arm's length.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

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Hi AS. That is awful about your dad’s stuff being gone. So sorry to hear that.

Re: your (X)GF. TBH...I am sure there are some good things about her but it really does sound like the bad may be outweighing the good here. I’m a mental health therapist... I have all the empathy in the world for people with mental health issues. However, it sounds as if there is also a personality issue...and a character issue. You deserve better AS. You really do. From what you say, there have been many highs and lows in your relationship. Those highs and lows can be very addicting... but they aren’t love... not in the truest sense of the word. Love is kind, forgiving, accepting, and stable... I know your gf is young and beautiful and lots of fun when she is not struggling...but do the fun times really outweigh the bad times?

You give others on here such fantastic advice...what would you say to someone else in your situation? I know we don’t know everything about people’s sitchs on here but I feel like I know enough about yours to say that you deserve better AS. You really do. (((HUGS)))

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I have all the empathy in the world for people with mental health issues. However, it sounds as if there is also a personality issue...and a character issue. You deserve better AS.


Agreed - depressed people can still have empathy for you in your loss. Heck, even my batchit crazy ex-boyfriend with manic episodes would be there for me in an instant in a situation like that. This is a character issue and I'd stop communicating if I were you.

I'm sorry about your dad's stuff. Doesn't sound like there's any money in the estate so you don't have to worry about those bills, you're not responsible for them. I'm sorry there aren't more keepsakes available for you. However the things I value aren't things of monetary value. After my mom died I discovered a box with my father's things from when he died in 1969 - his wallet, his belt. That was great to have.

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Sending you a big hug AS.


WW H(me): 53
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Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Hi AS. That is awful about your dad’s stuff being gone. So sorry to hear that.


Thank you! It's a bummer, but there are still a few cool items that will be nice momentos. There's a large pencil caricature a friend of dad's had done of him in Mexico in the 60's that I've always loved, I'm going to grab it if my brother doesn't want it. And there's a pirate cap gun that was his when he was a boy that miraculously is still there. Neither have any monetary value, but have a lot of memories attached to them.

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Re: your (X)GF. TBH...I am sure there are some good things about her but it really does sound like the bad may be outweighing the good here.


Well I don't want to pretend I'm a perfect angel and it's 100% her fault. You are just hearing my side of the story. She says that I say mean things that are hurtful and that she can't forget, and my XW told me much the same. I do tend to get really angry when I feel attacked and say things in the heat of the moment that I regret later. I mean she does it to me too, but I chalk it up to her being mad and pretty much purge them from my mind after a fight whereas her memory lasts FOREVER. She'll bring up stuff I said years ago that I have absolutely no recollection of. So I can forgive and forget, but she can't. At least not easily.

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I’m a mental health therapist... I have all the empathy in the world for people with mental health issues. However, it sounds as if there is also a personality issue...and a character issue. You deserve better AS. You really do.


She has two very different sides to her. I'm not saying she has MPD but when she's sweet she absolutely gushes about our R and how happy she is and how much she loves me and such. When she's mean, just... holy cow watch out. The mean version will push every last button over and over again until I explode, then switch into victim mode. Often after one of her tirades she will be very apologetic and talk about how bad she was and doesn't deserve me and won't do it again. But the cycle will eventually repeat.

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but do the fun times really outweigh the bad times?


In the last couple of years the mean side of her has been coming out far more frequently and staying longer than ever before. This is what led me to finally break up, I just can't take the abuse anymore.

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You give others on here such fantastic advice...what would you say to someone else in your situation?


Do you know the analogy about boiling a frog? If you turn the heat up really fast he'll jump out, but if you turn it up very slowly he'll just sit there. That's kind of the situation, it didn't happen overnight. So while it's easy now to look at it and say "wow this is really toxic" it wasn't at all evident 5 years ago, or even a year ago. So yes I see it now and have jumped out of the pot, LOL! Thank you for your thoughts!


Originally Posted by kml
Agreed - depressed people can still have empathy for you in your loss. Heck, even my batchit crazy ex-boyfriend with manic episodes would be there for me in an instant in a situation like that. This is a character issue and I'd stop communicating if I were you.


Yes I do really think that was the wakeup call. I didn't know her until after my D, and nothing really serious has happened to me between then and now. I have a close friend that I talk to about her and I have said several times before that it seemed like she was unable to feel empathy, but this time, there's just no "seems like" about it. She obviously can't, and that's a pretty big deal for sure.

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I'm sorry about your dad's stuff. Doesn't sound like there's any money in the estate so you don't have to worry about those bills, you're not responsible for them.


Thank you! Yes we are considering just taking what we can from inside the house (not much at all) and walking away. I've looked at comps and feel pretty strongly the house is not worth the debt owed plus realtor fees. We are having a realtor look at it this week and based on that will determine whether we walk away or try to sell it. I'm an architect and have done a lot of remodel work, but it needs a good 70k of renovation and renovated homes in the area only sell for 325-350 so that would be a break-even proposition. Not to mention the challenges of trying to flip a home that's 250 miles away.

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However the things I value aren't things of monetary value. After my mom died I discovered a box with my father's things from when he died in 1969 - his wallet, his belt. That was great to have.


I really wanted his cat's eye ring because I was always fascinated by it when I was a kid and he always had it on when I was growing up. It was just so "him". I doubt it was worth much. But that too is gone. -sigh- Dad really didn't save much so there are hardly any things there from when we were little. He did keep a lot of art I made as a kid which is cool, but that's memories of me rather than him, you know? But like I said above his Mexico caricature is still there and I do like that. It's the silly things I latch onto. When my grandmother passed I took her toothpick dispenser because she loved toothpicks and used it daily, and used the same dispenser from as long as I could remember. When my other grandmother died I took a plastic water container she kept in her fridge for much the same reasons. It's those little things I look at in my house and remember them by.


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Originally Posted by neffer
Sending you a big hug AS.


Thank you Neffer!


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I am very sorry that your father passed away. My condolences to you and your family. It's going to take a while to settle up his estate, but once it is done, the weight of the world will be off your shoulders, i.e., expenses, etc.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Sorry for your loss, AS. Take the time to mourn your dad's passing. Don't let the actions of your ex GF disturb you. As they say in this forum, her actions should be like water off a duck's back. Remember that time and distance will help you heal. Take care of yourself!

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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Do you know the analogy about boiling a frog? If you turn the heat up really fast he'll jump out, but if you turn it up very slowly he'll just sit there. That's kind of the situation, it didn't happen overnight. So while it's easy now to look at it and say "wow this is really toxic" it wasn't at all evident 5 years ago, or even a year ago.


Not only am I familiar with this analogy, I use it ALL the time. It is the one analogy I use to explain why I was conned by my XH for so long in our marriage. It was so gradual, I just didn't see the forest for the trees...another analogy...lol

Anyway...I wish you much peace and love AS. (((HUGS)))

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Very sorry to hear about your Dad AS. Hang in there man.

As for the now XGF, good for you for not tolerating bad behavior. Everyone has a bad day every now and then, but it sounds like something more than that with her. Every R is a learning experience.

I know you will but I'll say it anyway, keep posting!


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A few updates:

Still talking to XGF but just as friends. She's having trouble with her D and who validates better than me? Haha! It's interesting because her D is doing the EXACT same damaging behavior that XGF did at that age, yet XGF seems oblivious to the -obvious- connection. Reminds me of that old PSA commercial where the dad catches his son with drugs and says "where did you learn this???" And the kid says "from YOU dad!" Anyway she did eventually apologize for her behavior after my father's death, but it was a very generic "I guess I did something wrong, don't know what is was but sorry" kind of thing. Not exactly from the heart.

I've been messaging with a lady I dated years ago (after D, before dating XGF), we've said "hello" on and off ever since but once she found out I was single again the contact ramped way up. She is quite different than XGF. She's very chill, sweet, calm and comforting. Really open about things going on in her life, doesn't hide anything or bottle it up. Also quite attractive. Dark hair, dark eyes, part Native American. Same age as XGF. Of course I'm not naive, she's on her best behavior right now so time will tell if she has a dark side, LOL! We're talking about getting together soon for lunch or dinner, just to catch up in person.

Still working through the mess that dad left behind. I can't remember if I mentioned this previously but inexplicably he just quit opening mail about 6 months ago. I've been going through a mountain of mail that contains junk, unpaid bills, collection agency notices, notice of foreclosure on his house, etc. Amazing. Turns out he owes 266k on a reverse mortgage on his house and it's barely worth that. I'm trying to convince my brother and sister that we need to just sign it over to the mortgage company and walk away. My sister feels an emotional attachment to the house though. I don't, because there was a lot of physical and mental abuse that took place there at the hands of my dad. My sister did not experience that (she's 10+ years younger than my brother and me). So she wants to list it and see it go to a good family. I've been trying to tell her that selling it will open the door to any number of debtors to come out of the woodwork looking for restitution. We're all meeting there next weekend to sort out what to do.

Originally Posted by job
I am very sorry that your father passed away. My condolences to you and your family. It's going to take a while to settle up his estate, but once it is done, the weight of the world will be off your shoulders, i.e., expenses, etc.


Thank you Job! Yes I will be glad when we are done sorting everything out. It's an annoyance to me but it's just killing my sister (she lives there in Houston, so she's having to deal with most of it).

Originally Posted by MLCxH
Sorry for your loss, AS. Take the time to mourn your dad's passing. Don't let the actions of your ex GF disturb you. As they say in this forum, her actions should be like water off a duck's back. Remember that time and distance will help you heal. Take care of yourself!


Thank you! Yes quite right, it really hurt but it's absolutely a reflection on her and not me. Shame on her for being like that, it's pretty despicable. But at least it showed me her true colors.

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Not only am I familiar with this analogy, I use it ALL the time. It is the one analogy I use to explain why I was conned by my XH for so long in our marriage. It was so gradual, I just didn't see the forest for the trees...another analogy...lol

Anyway...I wish you much peace and love AS. (((HUGS)))


Yes! People are like "Why would you put yourself through that for so long?" but they don't understand the WHOLE picture, it didn't start out that way! Early on things were really good, even fantastic, right? They don't see that part, just all the toxicity. And I think we stick it out thinking "this is just a rough patch, we'll eventually get back to 'normal'". It takes a long time for us to realize that all the toxicity IS the norm. And thank you, I appreciate it!

Originally Posted by Gekko
Very sorry to hear about your Dad AS. Hang in there man.

As for the now XGF, good for you for not tolerating bad behavior. Everyone has a bad day every now and then, but it sounds like something more than that with her. Every R is a learning experience.


Thank you! We had a great R for a long time, really great in fact. It's a bummer it didn't stay that way, but as you and I and pretty much everyone here knows all too well- relationships change over time!


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It was great from your perspective, but only because you didn’t know her true nature. GF has shown her true colors now and they are ugly.

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KML, I do believe you are correct. I saw the kinder, gentler side of her for many years and came to believe that was her true nature. The red flags started a couple of years ago when her tune started to change. And I would even ask her things like, "you used to tell me ABC but now you say XYZ, I'm confused on why you've changed on that" and she would reply "but we had just started dating and I was trying to impress you." So yeah, looking back I see the warning signs were there!


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About your father's home. I think what you suggested to your family, i.e., turning it over to the mortgage company, may be the best way to go. If she's going to list it, there are fees that are associated w/listing w/a realtor. The questions that need to be addressed are...what is the house worth? Is someone going to go in and update/clean it up or sell as is? Maybe these are the questions you and your brother need to discuss w/your sister. I understand the sentimental angle, but someone will still purchase it from the mortgage company and love it just as much as your sister did.

You are also correct that the bill collectors, etc., will come out of the woodwork once it's sold looking for money from the estate.

I am so very sorry that you and your family are having to deal w/this. I hope that you are able to resolve all of this in the next few months.

BTW, I agree w/kml...GF couldn't maintain wearing the mask of a kinder, gentler individual. Sometimes, it takes a while before the flags pop up. I am sorry things didn't work out better w/her.


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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
And I would even ask her things like, "you used to tell me ABC but now you say XYZ, I'm confused on why you've changed on that" and she would reply "but we had just started dating and I was trying to impress you."


shocked

Wow. Scariest thought is that she was able to keep up the charade for so long. A cautionary tale, for sure!

Sorry it didn't work out but yeah, no one needs that. I'm glad you jumped out of the pot!


M 20+ T25+
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Originally Posted by job
About your father's home. I think what you suggested to your family, i.e., turning it over to the mortgage company, may be the best way to go. If she's going to list it, there are fees that are associated w/listing w/a realtor. The questions that need to be addressed are...what is the house worth? Is someone going to go in and update/clean it up or sell as is? Maybe these are the questions you and your brother need to discuss w/your sister. I understand the sentimental angle, but someone will still purchase it from the mortgage company and love it just as much as your sister did.


Hey Job, thanks for your input! The reverse mortgage is 266k. We had a realtor look at the house and she said it is possibly worth 297k. The estimated closing costs and realtor fees are 23k. So the estimated net proceeds are 8k. I'm an architect and I know some flippers. I went through comps in the neighborhood and talked to my flipper friends and showed them pics and described the work that needed to be done (full kitchen reno, reno both bathrooms, new paint and flooring throughout, clean up exterior and landscaping, replace non-working HVAC system). The consensus we all came to was a basic renovation would be 80k+. Fully renovated comps in the neighborhood are going for 340k-360k. So renovating it is out of the question. I'm also EXTREMELY skeptical that it would sell for 297k in it's current condition. The interior has never been renovated and it was built in the 60's. It's only worth what it is because it's a large home in a central location. I would expect it to appeal only to flippers, and my flipper friends said they wouldn't touch it for over 220k.

I have explained ALL of that to my brother and sister! I told my sister DO NOT do any work on the house. What did she do? Hired some people to replace some windows, clean up the garage and work on the landscaping. I can't even begin to describe how hard-headed she is, I will talk to her on the phone and she will agree with everything I say, then hang up and do the opposite. I've told her I'm not contributing any money to doing any work on the house because it's a lost cause. She said she understands, but wants to do some cleanup work herself and try to list it just in case a nice family wants it.

I completely agree with you that if the mortgage company repo's it, they are of course going to sell it so how is that any different? It still ends up in the hands of a family. I said this to my sister and her reply was that it might take months and be falling apart by then. I mean she does have a point, it could become a target for vandals and such. But in my opinion the risk versus reward ratio is completely out of whack.

Next weekend we are all meeting there to go through it and remove everything we want. Then the realtor has someone that will clear out the rest for free or may even pay us a few hundred for the contents. After that my sister will list it and see what the response is. We have 90 days before the mortgage company starts the repo process. So she figures if there is no interest in a couple of months then we will inform the mortgage company we are walking away and it's all theirs.

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You are also correct that the bill collectors, etc., will come out of the woodwork once it's sold looking for money from the estate.


Exactly, and of course when selling a house there are always extra expenses you don't anticipate. I told her if she lists it then it needs to clearly state the price is non-negotiable and it's as-is. No allowances, no payment of repairs, etc. Because the price is barely break-even. Next weekend I will try to talk her out of it again. If she insists on proceeding, I am going to tell her it's all hers, whatever profit results from it she can keep because I'm washing my hands of it.

I can't remember if I mentioned this but I literally begged my dad not to do the reverse mortgage. They are a legal scam. They pay out a small amount of money (less than 100k in my dad's case) and charge outrageous interest rates and penalties so that by the time the person dies the family has almost no choice but to surrender the house to the mortgage company. So my dad got around 100k, which he burned through in short order, and now we (the estate) owe 266k. Wow.

Originally Posted by bttrfly

Wow. Scariest thought is that she was able to keep up the charade for so long. A cautionary tale, for sure!


I honestly still don't know what to think, I mean was it a charade? Or did she change in those years? Or is she just going through something? I mean look at my XW, she was a sweet, kind, gentle soul that loved me unconditionally for over 20 years and then transformed into someone who couldn't stand to be in the same room with me. I don't think that was a charade, she just changed. Maybe it was the same for XGF except on a shorter timeline. Much like with my XW though, I've accepted I'll never know "why" her behavior changed. And I'm fine with that, we had many great years together and I don't regret it but I need to move on to protect myself.


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AS,

I think what gets lost on this board is that people change and are needs change. I’m probably never going to marry again because I’m pretty sure my needs now aren’t the same as I’ll have in my 60s and 70’s.

No relationships last forever and some are meant to be short term. The important thing is that each person comes into your life for a reason and to teach us a lesson.

No regrets And moving on to protect yourself all sound good to me.

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Originally Posted by LH19
No relationships last forever and some are meant to be short term.

No relationships last forever??? Really? Is this your experience? Because I just don’t see it as true and my expierence is much different. My maternal grandparents were together over 48 years until my grandmother died and my grandfather missed her until he died 10 years later. My paternal grandparents were married for 71 years until my grandmother died. My grandfather greatly missed her for the 14 months he survived without her. My parents will celebrate 60 years this summer. I could go on and on. Clearly some relationships do last forever - or at least until death. I’m curious why you feel otherwise?


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I meant it in a metaphysical way that nothing lasts forever. Having said that I lean now towards with both parties now working and people living longer that the reality of people staying together 50-60 years will greatly be reduced. It’s very rare to see 2 people who have been together for decades still committed to meeting each other’s needs physically and emotionally. Takes a lot of hard work and is becoming more easier to just start over.

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Originally Posted by LH19
AS,

I think what gets lost on this board is that people change and are needs change. I’m probably never going to marry again because I’m pretty sure my needs now aren’t the same as I’ll have in my 60s and 70’s.

No relationships last forever and some are meant to be short term. The important thing is that each person comes into your life for a reason and to teach us a lesson.

No regrets And moving on to protect yourself all sound good to me.

Of course people and needs change. The point is, in a relationship one hopes that even if people and needs change they still work together on the relationship, that it stays a priority.

My parents were married just shy of 73 years.

Originally Posted by LH19
It’s very rare to see 2 people who have been together for decades still committed to meeting each other’s needs physically and emotionally. Takes a lot of hard work and is becoming more easier to just start over.


Just because something's easier doesn't make it the best choice. I'm not talking about GFs or BFs, I'm talking about marriages. Marriage vows don't typically include "til one of us changes, has different needs, isn't up for the hard work and decides to take an easier path by starting over with a newer model."

I mean, what's the effing point of that, seriously? Sorry - I'm exceptionally sensitive to this today as my exh is in town.


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BF,

I’m sorry you are having a down day. I’m not necessarily agreeing with this I am just speaking realistically.

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Hey everyone! Well my brother and sister and I spent an emotionally exhausting weekend going through every nook and crannie in dad's house. It all went smoothly, we had no issues dividing up the things we wanted to keep, none of it was really worth much except sentimental value. I think I mentioned before that dad strangely just quit opening his mail 6 months ago. I went through it all and made a long list of bills he owes. I showed that to my sister and explained there is no money in trying to sell his house but she still wants to try. Not for monetary reasons, but because she has memories attached to it.

As a side note, my dad lived in Houston. I'm not sure if this made the national news but there was a huge explosion there in a business about a month ago. Turns out it was about 3 miles from dad's house and may be the reason he died (heart attack). We know he died sometime in a 48 hour window but not sure exactly when. The explosion happened in about the middle of the window. We drove through the area and the devastation is incredible, it must have been a massive explosion. Looks like a war zone.

So I returned from the trip Sunday evening and was sitting eating some peanuts and cracked a tooth! UGH! When it rains it pours! Dentist was closed yesterday and couldn't see me today so I have an appointment for tomorrow. It doesn't hurt much, but there's a jagged edge that keeps stabbing my tongue.

I still talk a little on and off with XGF but just casual "hey how's it going" stuff. I'm still talking to the other lady as well although I think we will just be friends.

Originally Posted by LH19
I think what gets lost on this board is that people change and are needs change. I’m probably never going to marry again because I’m pretty sure my needs now aren’t the same as I’ll have in my 60s and 70’s.

No relationships last forever and some are meant to be short term. The important thing is that each person comes into your life for a reason and to teach us a lesson.


Marriage is definitely not on my radar either. I got married in my mid-20's mainly to share life with my XW and to start a family. My family days are over, I love my kids to pieces, and I love kids in general, but at nearly 60 I have no desire to start a new family. I'm completely open to a romantic relationship but really don't see getting married again. I'm just too set in my ways, and like my space, LOL!

Originally Posted by bttrfly
Of course people and needs change. The point is, in a relationship one hopes that even if people and needs change they still work together on the relationship, that it stays a priority.


Couldn't agree more. I was willing to change and flex and accommodate to make the M continue, but my XW wasn't. I really do think that if she had been willing to put in even 25% effort it could have worked. But she even admitted herself that she didn't want to put in 1%. She actually said exactly that! I don't understand why you wouldn't want to put effort into your longest-term and most important life investment, but it happens!


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I'm completely open to a romantic relationship but really don't see getting married again. I'm just too set in my ways, and like my space, LOL!


Me too! Current boyfriend lives with me but only because he was diagnosed with lung cancer 3 months after we met. Not sure I would make the choice in the future to have another boyfriend live with me - I like having my own space. And I definitely do not want to be financially entangled with someone else.

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Originally Posted by kml
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I'm completely open to a romantic relationship but really don't see getting married again. I'm just too set in my ways, and like my space, LOL!


Me too! Current boyfriend lives with me but only because he was diagnosed with lung cancer 3 months after we met. Not sure I would make the choice in the future to have another boyfriend live with me - I like having my own space. And I definitely do not want to be financially entangled with someone else.

Yep, KML beat me to saying, I agree, me too!, to the never married again comment. Not sure if I’d let someone live with me or not. I’m kinda thinking no but since I’ve not lived with someone in close to 15 years, it’s hard to say for sure - as thoughts change over time. I just don’t see the marriage thought changing. Sadly, most women I meet still Hope, sometimes even secretly, to find her Prince Charming, soulmate, love of her life to marry again - then will want to be single some years down the road, leave and file for D.


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Originally Posted by kml
Me too! Current boyfriend lives with me but only because he was diagnosed with lung cancer 3 months after we met. Not sure I would make the choice in the future to have another boyfriend live with me - I like having my own space. And I definitely do not want to be financially entangled with someone else.


Wow! Well you are a saint for letting him move in! My XGF had been given a non-renewal notice on her apt. and didn't know until the day before her lease was set to expire, she waited that long to renew it (eye roll). So I let her move in temporarily, and oh my was that ever a disaster. I remember driving home from work each day and actually hoping I would not see her car in the driveway so that I could get 5 minutes of peace! But nope, there it would be. Every... single... day. She wasn't working at the time so she was there around the clock. Things finally came to a head when she started a fight with me one evening and ran into the kitchen and grabbed a knife, took it into the living room where I was and cut herself. I didn't say a word, just got my phone out to call the police. Long story short she talked me out of it but I made it clear to her that she needed to move out, and she did. You learn things about people living with them that you would never know otherwise, and a lot of times it's not good stuff!

Originally Posted by DonH
Yep, KML beat me to saying, I agree, me too!, to the never married again comment. Not sure if I’d let someone live with me or not. I’m kinda thinking no but since I’ve not lived with someone in close to 15 years, it’s hard to say for sure - as thoughts change over time. I just don’t see the marriage thought changing.


I don't either but who knows. I don't completely close the book on the possibility, but it seems pretty unlikely. My XGF always felt a little bit like an invader in my "family", like she didn't belong. I remember feeling like that about the women my dad dated (and two that he married after my mom). It was all just a little weird and awkward. I don't want to subject my kids to that or to a bunch of estate headaches by introducing someone new into the picture. Man I'm really talking myself out of it, hahaha!


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I remember feeling like that about the women my dad dated (and two that he married after my mom). It was all just a little weird and awkward. I don't want to subject my kids to that


I won't be able to marry again due to alimony and probably won't even be able to live with anyone either. I might change my mind later yes but at the moment any man I get involved with will never meet my kids. I just can't do it to them so surely there when I'm ready there will be some 60 year old man who just wants something fun without having to merge families. I will be upfront about it too. If you're looking for Mrs. Right I'm not her.

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The previously mentioned cracked tooth ended up requiring a root canal and crown. Got that done yesterday. I had a couple of really traumatic experiences with the dentist when I was a kid so to this day it really stresses me out getting work done. It all went fairly smoothly though.

Nothing happening in my love life, LOL! XGF decided to start a fight over nothing which only served to remind me why I quit seeing her. What started out as a small disagreement over text escalated into her telling me everything I ever did "wrong" (most of which was her own twisted interpretations of what really happened) which has become a repeating theme with her. I have no idea why she even reaches out to me when it always ends up like this, maybe she just wants a punching bag. I did some listening and validating and eventually when it was clear that it wasn't helping I just told her to please stop, I was done with the convo. Then I muted her. That was Monday, haven't talked since. I fully expect to get a message in a few days acting like nothing happened. I'm very close to blocking her, the only reason I haven't is I have some of her stuff still.

Work is busy, working out is still going well, no injuries for a while which is a nice change. Kids are all doing well. XW was pinging me on a regular basis but has gone mostly quiet again, which is fine by me. A friend was asking how I was doing and I summed up the last month for him- my dad died, I buried him, I went through his personal belongings, I broke up with my GF, I cracked the heck out of a tooth, a guy at work retired and I inherited all his projects that he's been neglecting for months. He was like "oh man you must be really down" but I'm not! I actually am feeling pretty good despite all the bad stuff happening. I really don't know why. I guess it's after going through BD, S and D and the incredible hurt and pain, and surviving it and even thriving again, that these other things seem fairly minor by comparison. I'm happy inside and no one and nothing can take that away (hopefully!)

Originally Posted by kas99
I just can't do it to them so surely there when I'm ready there will be some 60 year old man who just wants something fun without having to merge families. I will be upfront about it too. If you're looking for Mrs. Right I'm not her.


Whatever works for you is what I say! Who says you have to settle in and get married again. By the way I am always Mr. (w)Right because it's my last name grin


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Hey everyone, wow it's been over a year since I posted to this thread! Yesterday was my 60th birthday, also marking 10 years since BD. Just an update on life in general, my son just graduated high school, wow! He is our youngest so our kids are all officially adults now! My middle daughter graduated from Texas A&M (my alma mater) a few years ago and after working a while finally got into physician's assistant school last year. She has completed her first of two years. My older daughter who also graduated from A&M has gone back to school at SMU to prepare for a different career.

My relationship with XW continues to be very positive, at this point there is no anger or resentment of any kind on either side I would say. We have our separate lives but we continue to communicate well and get along great. She still lives around 5 miles away and we get together with the kids for birthdays/ Christmas and just to have dinner now and then. She and the kids have something planned for me for next weekend for my birthday, it's a secret so all they've told me is to block out the weekend. I assume we're going on a trip somewhere but I really don't know :-)

I've been dating the same lady on and off for 6 years now, it's been, well "tumultuous", lol! She live almost 2 hours away so we don't see each other very often, lately it's been about once every 6 weeks. It has definitely put a strain on the R. I sometimes slip off my DBing when she does things that trigger me, so I've been trying to come back here more and read just to remind myself of what I should be doing, and it definitely helps! It's ironic that you can spend years offering people advice and then find yourself needing to be refreshed on what that advice is, haha!

My father passed away last year. He was a physical and emotional abuser of my brother and me and our mom and we spent years not speaking after an altercation where he pulled a gun on my brother-in-law and threatened to kill him at a Christmas gathering at my mom's house. A couple of years before he died we did start talking again, and I spoke with him about a week before his death. His health had been poor, he had strokes and a heart attack previously and had open heart surgery and a pacemaker installed. We think he had a heart attack, he lived by himself and after not hearing from him for a while my sister called for a welfare check and they found him on the floor of the bathroom.

I still work as an architect and just a month ago had my 20 year anniversary with my firm, did not realize it until I just now looked it up on my phone! Still living in the same house, our neighborhood has over 300 homes now and I've lived there longer than anyone else (23 years), I'm like that old man in Up, haha! Still working out, still doing ceramic sculpting.

Overall I'm happy, content, maybe a bit set in my ways but it works for me :-)


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Jan 2003
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Quote
I've been dating the same lady on and off for 6 years now, it's been, well "tumultuous", lol! She live almost 2 hours away so we don't see each other very often, lately it's been about once every 6 weeks. It has definitely put a strain on the R. I sometimes slip off my DBing when she does things that trigger me,


Dude - you're dating her, you're not married to her. Should you really be DBing her? I mean, DB skills can come in handy anywhere, BUT a dating relationship is a time to figure out if the person is for you - NOT a time to try to save a failing relationship. Marriage is different - you've made a commitment, and for many of us, kids were involved. But if your dating partner is tripping your wires all the time and you're having to DB her - maybe she's not the right relationship?

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Nice to hear from you AS! Hope your birthday surprise is a great one!! (((HUG/S)))

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AnotherStander,

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Hey everyone, wow it's been over a year since I posted to this thread! Yesterday was my 60th birthday, also marking 10 years since BD.

Happy belated birthday! ...I won't say "happy" BD anniversary?

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Just an update on life in general, my son just graduated high school, wow! He is our youngest so our kids are all officially adults now! My middle daughter graduated from Texas A&M (my alma mater) a few years ago and after working a while finally got into physician's assistant school last year. She has completed her first of two years. My older daughter who also graduated from A&M has gone back to school at SMU to prepare for a different career.

Great your kids are doing so well academically and professionally. Did they have any major impacts due to the divorce, or are they all fairly well adjusted in that respect?

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
My relationship with XW continues to be very positive, at this point there is no anger or resentment of any kind on either side I would say. We have our separate lives but we continue to communicate well and get along great. She still lives around 5 miles away and we get together with the kids for birthdays/ Christmas and just to have dinner now and then. She and the kids have something planned for me for next weekend for my birthday, it's a secret so all they've told me is to block out the weekend. I assume we're going on a trip somewhere but I really don't know :-)

Glad to hear your relationship with XW is going smoothly. You mentioned in a previous post there were some interesting "signs" awhile back, where she was updating you on her plans and scrapbooked pictures of the two of you. Anything more ever come of it, or were they just one-offs?

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
I've been dating the same lady on and off for 6 years now, it's been, well "tumultuous", lol! She live almost 2 hours away so we don't see each other very often, lately it's been about once every 6 weeks. It has definitely put a strain on the R. I sometimes slip off my DBing when she does things that trigger me, so I've been trying to come back here more and read just to remind myself of what I should be doing, and it definitely helps! It's ironic that you can spend years offering people advice and then find yourself needing to be refreshed on what that advice is, haha!

Hope you're happy with the relationship, but you posted about her saying some pretty hateful stuff to you about your father's passing, and also she pulled a knife and cut herself in front of you at one point? That seems concerning...

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
My father passed away last year. He was a physical and emotional abuser of my brother and me and our mom and we spent years not speaking after an altercation where he pulled a gun on my brother-in-law and threatened to kill him at a Christmas gathering at my mom's house. A couple of years before he died we did start talking again, and I spoke with him about a week before his death. His health had been poor, he had strokes and a heart attack previously and had open heart surgery and a pacemaker installed. We think he had a heart attack, he lived by himself and after not hearing from him for a while my sister called for a welfare check and they found him on the floor of the bathroom.

So sorry about your father passing. Losing a parent must be very difficult, even if you had a troubled relationship.

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
I still work as an architect and just a month ago had my 20 year anniversary with my firm, did not realize it until I just now looked it up on my phone! Still living in the same house, our neighborhood has over 300 homes now and I've lived there longer than anyone else (23 years), I'm like that old man in Up, haha! Still working out, still doing ceramic sculpting.

Any thoughts of requirement, now that you've hit your 60s?

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Overall I'm happy, content, maybe a bit set in my ways but it works for me :-)

Great to hear! Thanks for giving everyone and update on your sitch, and especially thanks for weighing in on mine and others' sitches. I know your posts helped me, and sense you've helped a lot of people here over the years.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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